in the bed all day

i feel somehow as if i were being wicked and tricking you into supposing that i am always happy, but that is not true.
oh god, that cannot be any further from the truth.

i have written loads about my academic pursuits and i, and i've found myself wondering unceasingly if that's all there is to me.
on one hand, it gives me life.
on the other, it's all so meaningless, isn't it?
i mean, Death's gonna come hurtling at me either way

ah! i've found the trouble with blogging.
on this platform it is imperative to have a point, a topic, a purpose, and then expound it at some length.
alas, i have a sickeningly short attention span, and thoughts come to me in short spurts and sprays, and i cannot bear to muse over a single one for very long.
it is very tiring, i think, to have to always meticulously twist and shape your words just so to reach any desired effect.
it is for this reason twitter attends to me excellently - i never have to care past 140 characters!

did you know? i've lost my writing

sweet like cinnamon

hello!
once again, it's a been a hideous while, but welcome back!
i don't know who is reading this, but whoever you are, i pray that life has been glorious to you.

it's a funny thing to be dipping toes in my 20s and still come back to a space cultivated since i was a mere fledgling (what, 13? 14??), but i am very pleased to announce that as of now, for the present, i think,
I am in a good place.

as you may or may not know, i've been working on a linguistics (& multi-lingual studies) major and it is the most fulfilling thing yet.
many people have asked me what i could do with a linguistics degree and the truth is, well, i have no bloomin' idea!
all i know is that i am in love with my area of study through and through; God will sort out the rest.
there have been hiccups here and there, of course, but i pull it off all the same.

i feel like i've been channeling a lot of marina's The Family Jewels era lately.
don't do love, don't do friends,
i'm only after success.
i know exactly what i want and who i want to be.
'cause i feel like i'm the worst so i always act like i'm the best.
heck yeah first of all i know i want to keep my GPA's first class honours status.
i used to really really really want to be on the dean's list, then i sobered up & tried this little thing called Realistic & Logical Thinking lmao.
okay not saying it's impossible, just saying it's highly unlikely for now.
second of all i really really really want to be the best.
honestly i've been telling myself this since last semester but i don't really know what i mean by "the best".
still wanna be *it, tho.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*it = the best

i also have quite a few commitments this sem?
1) i'm overloading and doing 18 AUs.
2) i'm in the biz mag committee for this year's LMS FOC??
3) also on the publicity team for this other thing i'm doing???
???????
i've never done this much for anything ever & while talking to a friend recently i realised perhaps it's because i wanted to start doing more things for others (while she wishes to do more for herself).
i think maybe it's also because subconsciously (or not), i'm pushing and pushing and pushing myself to accomplish more than i've ever had during a school term.
i don't know what i'm trying to prove but i'm getting there.

here's another thing i've learnt about myself: i'm an introvert but i take much delight in forming many new friendships, although i feel more comfortable if they were kept relatively superficial. however, i still cherish very deeply maintaining a smaller, more intimate group of friends. networking's fun and tolerable and all but only sometimes, and only when i feel like it. small close group of pals are for ever. i also still use solitude to recharge.

i'm sorry this has, in retrospect, been draggy and boring.
(or i would think so.)
but it's nice to have this down on my blog, just in case Young Me gets accidentally shifted to an alternate universe in a glitch and is somehow able to read all this.
if so,

this is your almost-20 self writing.
right now, you're doing great, b.
you're flourishing academically & blooming in luxuriant intellectual pursuits.
you're meeting many new people, every day, and starting to see past yourself.
you've even started on the "learning to drive" thing which i know you think is a Big Thing.
you've discovered precious things about yourself.
you're learning how to live a life of warmth and love and acceptance.
you feel content most times.
you're great & i love you.

i swore i'd chase until i was dead.
i heard the streets were paved with gold.

my late grandfather loved me so much he threw out his cigarettes the second i was born