your skin so golden brown

a list of my favourite words:
- exquisite
- rose (past tense of rise)
- pregnant (as a metaphor)
- sapphic
- nascent
- delicious (when used not about food)
- honey
- ferocious
- mom
- moon
- opulent/opulence
- soft
- sleepy
- infuse
- lazily
- loll
- bathe
- patio
- dreamy
- courtyard
- drowse
- ennui

honourable mentions:
- wife
- poetic
- heaven(ly)
- verdant/verdance
- goodness

poetic but nonsensical

from 19 june 2014:
she says i live in my own bubble and we go around together like that because we are the same
so i said to her we could converge them
she said back that we could

i want to scrape the blackness out my heart

shiver like i used to

I'm that godforsaken person who never knows what they have till it's gone.
I've thought about this loads and loads and I can't possibly deny it.
It's in the little(?) things.
When I'm sending someone off at the airport and feel nothing until they've gone past the departure gates, the waves of crashing loss only coming when they're well out of sight.
Or when it's the very last day of school and I know I'll never be coming back again but it's the most uneventful day all the same (intense nostalgia seeps in much much later).
Or when I race through the last 3 episodes of Haikyuu!! S2 only to realise belatedly that the comforting feeling of knowing there are episodes waiting for me is then gone forever, because for many months I've been taking it for granted and now there is nothing new to look forward to anymore.

I think it's something to do with me and emotional detachment.

gold and silver line my heart

i hear the birds on the summer breeze, i drive fast
i am alone in midnight
been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but i
i've got a war in my mind
so i just ride

i should've known all along, from the second i first listened to her in 2012, that lana would bring me into a new era of my life, would make me feel an exquisite sense of nostalgia and longing for a life i never had, would make me feel more and less like myself all at once

oh dear god i'm so melodramatic this is nothing whatever i'm feeling they're nothing and so inconsequential but wow o wow does it make me want to maybe die

all alone she moves

Lately I've been feeling, comment dire, horrendous.
I don't know where it came from - it's crept up and sprung onto me so suddenly but maybe it's been there all along.
I had another one of those "deepest certainties" recently & it's tearing me apart.
(no offence @ said certainty but i could've certainly done perfectly fine without, thank you very much)
I don't know I don't know I'm strained inside out & I don't know if this is because of school or if it's just me being the usual, y'know, inadequate and mediocre and incapable and gross.
I feel horrible & I need to talk to people because it's so dangerous, I think, to bubble myself up like this.
I exist too much in dreams.
it's so horrible it's so so horrible and i feel so alone

also, what does it mean when rationally you know that life is beautiful and wondrous and precious but emotionally you want 2 die

underneath the big top trees

I am absolutely knackered right now after a whole day's flurry of activities.
(If I have never disclosed it before, I will note it down here that I have been volunteering a little for the visually handicapped.)
Today, we took our beneficiaries out to have a go at soundball and thereafter for a round at the trampoline park, which was fantastic. I love trampoline parks & I also love that everyone else loved it too.
But the best part of my day, I think, was when everything was all over & I walked the entire way home from Khatib with a spring in my step, a cup of dollar strawberry ripple ice cream in my hand and the loveliest of breezes playing around me.
A stroll of solitude in the night (although it was not quite a stroll, not really, for my pace was relatively quick) truly is something!
I find nighttime to be such an enigmatic entity - how does one explain that queer feeling of transformation when night falls? like you're smaller, mellower, a little softer around the edges than you are in the day.
It almost made me wish I had someone by my side to admire the dark velvet sky with, or to murmur my secrets to, but I know I wouldn't have wanted this because I was using this journey home to recharge & re-energise my socially-drained, introvert self.
In retrospect, it does sound a little counter-intuitive, considering I was coming home from a long day of physical exertion etc etc etc, but an endless walk alone with minimal breaks was 1000% what I needed and I'm so glad I tended to that.
Anyway, I reached my doorstep about an hour later a little flushed and rosy, with a delicious ache in my legs, glowing like honey and presently I am feeling so. content.
A little a lot sleepy and heavy-eyed, of course, but ridiculously content all the same.
(the kind of contentment that's warm as sunshine, draping itself heavily around your little soul.)
The past week has just been nothing but smooth and golden, and I have only God to thank for that.