gold and silver line my heart

i hear the birds on the summer breeze, i drive fast
i am alone in midnight
been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but i
i've got a war in my mind
so i just ride

i should've known all along, from the second i first listened to her in 2012, that lana would bring me into a new era of my life, would make me feel an exquisite sense of nostalgia and longing for a life i never had, would make me feel more and less like myself all at once

oh dear god i'm so melodramatic this is nothing whatever i'm feeling they're nothing and so inconsequential but wow o wow does it make me want to maybe die

all alone she moves

Lately I've been feeling, comment dire, horrendous.
I don't know where it came from - it's crept up and sprung onto me so suddenly but maybe it's been there all along.
I had another one of those "deepest certainties" recently & it's tearing me apart.
(no offence @ said certainty but i could've certainly done perfectly fine without, thank you very much)
I don't know I don't know I'm strained inside out & I don't know if this is because of school or if it's just me being the usual, y'know, inadequate and mediocre and incapable and gross.
I feel horrible & I need to talk to people because it's so dangerous, I think, to bubble myself up like this.
I exist too much in dreams.
it's so horrible it's so so horrible and i feel so alone

also, what does it mean when rationally you know that life is beautiful and wondrous and precious but emotionally you want 2 die