Friday, July 9, 2010
Damn you hyperventilation
I was reading some juniors' blogs and I suddenly saw many (wrong) usages of the word 'hyperventilation'. And I see their description of hyperventilation, and I wished they would all just shut up. (No offence.) Because they really don't know how it really feels like.
I hyperventilated
I had no idea why that happened, but I literally hyperventilated.
One moment I was doing Math sums, the next I was trying to breathe.
3 out of those 8 sums made me feel like dying, I don't know why either. They weren't quite straightforward, and I was so frustrated. But I forced myself to continue anyway, because whatever I do would affect Jan's PW data. I didn't want to rig the results. So I told myself to try my hardest. And then the music started getting distracting, with the background sounds, and all the movement. And I did not want to be holding everyone back by taking such a long time to do it. And I felt so overwhelmed. And I wanted to stop. But I knew I couldn't. For the sake of Jan and Nicole and their PW, I couldn't and musn't. And I just did what I do when I feel overwhelmed.
I tore paper. Piece after piece. Then I remember Alyssa coming over, and asking "Destressing, huh?" And I couldn't answer because I was feeling so dizzy. But if I could, I would have said, "I am trying to. It usually works. I don't know why it is not working. In fact, I feel worse now." Maybe I did reply her, but I forgot, everything was too quick.
And then I got up to throw away the pieces of paper, but while walking(during which I felt like I was floating instead), I felt tingling in my hands and things became so hazy. Too loud, too slow, and yet, too fast. I didn't know what was happening. It went by too fast.
Next thing I know, Jan was asking me to just stop and I felt so relieved. But I was still trembling. She was putting piece after piece of post-it paper for me to tear. I didn't know why I continued tearing even after I knew it made me feel worse.
It happened too fast. Suddenly the room emptied and people were leaving. I didn't even know why. I think I was panicking.
All the while, breathing was hard. Sure, it wore off, soon after. But it took like, ten minutes. Oh, the best part? NO ONE TOOK IT SERIOUSLY. Everyone kept thinking I was just stressed. I was not JUST stressed. May I please reiterate the fact that I was hyperventilating?
How on EARTH can I think about when I want to leave when I was reassuring myself by telling me to breathe in and out slowly. How on EARTH was I supposed to quicken my pace and get my bag ready since everyone had left the room. How on EARTH did I end up having to treat and help myself when there was at least 4 other QUALIFIED FIRST AIDERS around.
Did anyone think I was possibly JOKING about hyperventilating? That I wasn't REALLY hyperventilating? That it was just some fake DRAMA?
(On second thoughts, I should have been more dramatic. I should have just stopped whatever I was doing and run out the room to the toilet and lock myself in a cubicle.)
I even told them I was hyperventilating. I told them, you know. I wasn't even subtly hinting to them. Yet nobody came to take me away to a quiet place and reassure me by telling me to breathe in and out slowly, which is the correct treatment. I was left to treat myself. And carry my own bags. With everyone way in front of me.
Not that I care much; I did not die.
But is this honestly what you do when there are casualties? If you can pretend to treat casualties during all those firedrills, surely you can treat a real one who already told you her injury straight out. And it's not like it needs bandages to be treated.
I'm not saying my own first aid is perfect. Neither am I trying to put anyone down, but I'm wondering why no one seemed to care. Leaving a casualty to treat herself and help herself? Do you seriously do that? No wonder the NCOs are disappointed with our first aid. We lack the basic quality needed to do first aid.
Care.
One moment I was doing Math sums, the next I was trying to breathe.
3 out of those 8 sums made me feel like dying, I don't know why either. They weren't quite straightforward, and I was so frustrated. But I forced myself to continue anyway, because whatever I do would affect Jan's PW data. I didn't want to rig the results. So I told myself to try my hardest. And then the music started getting distracting, with the background sounds, and all the movement. And I did not want to be holding everyone back by taking such a long time to do it. And I felt so overwhelmed. And I wanted to stop. But I knew I couldn't. For the sake of Jan and Nicole and their PW, I couldn't and musn't. And I just did what I do when I feel overwhelmed.
I tore paper. Piece after piece. Then I remember Alyssa coming over, and asking "Destressing, huh?" And I couldn't answer because I was feeling so dizzy. But if I could, I would have said, "I am trying to. It usually works. I don't know why it is not working. In fact, I feel worse now." Maybe I did reply her, but I forgot, everything was too quick.
And then I got up to throw away the pieces of paper, but while walking(during which I felt like I was floating instead), I felt tingling in my hands and things became so hazy. Too loud, too slow, and yet, too fast. I didn't know what was happening. It went by too fast.
Next thing I know, Jan was asking me to just stop and I felt so relieved. But I was still trembling. She was putting piece after piece of post-it paper for me to tear. I didn't know why I continued tearing even after I knew it made me feel worse.
It happened too fast. Suddenly the room emptied and people were leaving. I didn't even know why. I think I was panicking.
All the while, breathing was hard. Sure, it wore off, soon after. But it took like, ten minutes. Oh, the best part? NO ONE TOOK IT SERIOUSLY. Everyone kept thinking I was just stressed. I was not JUST stressed. May I please reiterate the fact that I was hyperventilating?
How on EARTH can I think about when I want to leave when I was reassuring myself by telling me to breathe in and out slowly. How on EARTH was I supposed to quicken my pace and get my bag ready since everyone had left the room. How on EARTH did I end up having to treat and help myself when there was at least 4 other QUALIFIED FIRST AIDERS around.
Did anyone think I was possibly JOKING about hyperventilating? That I wasn't REALLY hyperventilating? That it was just some fake DRAMA?
(On second thoughts, I should have been more dramatic. I should have just stopped whatever I was doing and run out the room to the toilet and lock myself in a cubicle.)
I even told them I was hyperventilating. I told them, you know. I wasn't even subtly hinting to them. Yet nobody came to take me away to a quiet place and reassure me by telling me to breathe in and out slowly, which is the correct treatment. I was left to treat myself. And carry my own bags. With everyone way in front of me.
Not that I care much; I did not die.
But is this honestly what you do when there are casualties? If you can pretend to treat casualties during all those firedrills, surely you can treat a real one who already told you her injury straight out. And it's not like it needs bandages to be treated.
I'm not saying my own first aid is perfect. Neither am I trying to put anyone down, but I'm wondering why no one seemed to care. Leaving a casualty to treat herself and help herself? Do you seriously do that? No wonder the NCOs are disappointed with our first aid. We lack the basic quality needed to do first aid.
Care.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
230th post ;) Still going strong
In the evening, I saw a rainbow so breath-taking it made me forget that it was only a game played by light. It was a really lovely rainbow. The kind that is clear and obvious, not those faint now-you-see-it-now-you-don't kinds. The kind that seems bold and strong, never going to lighten a shade.
I could see the different colours of it. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue. I couldn't make out the indigo and violet, though. But I know those colours were there, somewhere. Still, it was a pretty rainbow and I had to force myself to look away to continue walking.
Opposite my house, there is a huge field. It is an uncomfortable field because it has holes in the ground and prickly lalang grows wild and freely. After the rain, it will always have deep muddy puddles. But it is a great place to fly kites. Sometimes, when the afternoons get real windy, I see many colourful kites soaring in the air.
Just now, I saw a kite too. It was flying high in the velvet blue sky. It was a funny kite, because it was in the shape of a yellow dog's face. And it's tongue was sticking out. It looked free, flying aroung the huge expanse, a small piece of the sky. But yet, it looked like a prisoner too. Because no matter how high it flies, it still is connected to that long piece of nylon string. And even if it broke free, it would eventually flutter down to the prickly lalang-filled fields, lifeless, never able to rise again.
I could see the different colours of it. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue. I couldn't make out the indigo and violet, though. But I know those colours were there, somewhere. Still, it was a pretty rainbow and I had to force myself to look away to continue walking.
Opposite my house, there is a huge field. It is an uncomfortable field because it has holes in the ground and prickly lalang grows wild and freely. After the rain, it will always have deep muddy puddles. But it is a great place to fly kites. Sometimes, when the afternoons get real windy, I see many colourful kites soaring in the air.
Just now, I saw a kite too. It was flying high in the velvet blue sky. It was a funny kite, because it was in the shape of a yellow dog's face. And it's tongue was sticking out. It looked free, flying aroung the huge expanse, a small piece of the sky. But yet, it looked like a prisoner too. Because no matter how high it flies, it still is connected to that long piece of nylon string. And even if it broke free, it would eventually flutter down to the prickly lalang-filled fields, lifeless, never able to rise again.
Dearest x,
YOU said it was OK, so why continue bitching about it to your sworn enemy? WHY? She was just standing up to you, pointing out the truth! Why get so worked up when that is so?
Get a grip on yourself.
Get a grip on yourself.
OMGOMGOMGOMG
OMG. OMFG. I am elated. Overjoyed. OMG.
OMG.
MAUNG HAS FACEBOOK.
OMG.
OMG.
I had had a crush on him since like forever.
OMG.
I never knew he had Facebook.
OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
Now I can stalk him.
OMG.
The crush never went away, no matter how much I wanted it to.
Ayu and I fell out because of him. I guess? :(
OMG.
OMG.
MAUNG HAS FACEBOOK.
OMG.
OMG.
I had had a crush on him since like forever.
OMG.
I never knew he had Facebook.
OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
Now I can stalk him.
OMG.
The crush never went away, no matter how much I wanted it to.
Ayu and I fell out because of him. I guess? :(
OMG.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My favourite nursery rhyme
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid.
Does it ring a bell, hmm?
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid.
Does it ring a bell, hmm?
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