I hyperventilated

I had no idea why that happened, but I literally hyperventilated.

One moment I was doing Math sums, the next I was trying to breathe.

3 out of those 8 sums made me feel like dying, I don't know why either. They weren't quite straightforward, and I was so frustrated. But I forced myself to continue anyway, because whatever I do would affect Jan's PW data. I didn't want to rig the results. So I told myself to try my hardest. And then the music started getting distracting, with the background sounds, and all the movement. And I did not want to be holding everyone back by taking such a long time to do it. And I felt so overwhelmed. And I wanted to stop. But I knew I couldn't. For the sake of Jan and Nicole and their PW, I couldn't and musn't. And I just did what I do when I feel overwhelmed.

I tore paper. Piece after piece. Then I remember Alyssa coming over, and asking "Destressing, huh?" And I couldn't answer because I was feeling so dizzy. But if I could, I would have said, "I am trying to. It usually works. I don't know why it is not working. In fact, I feel worse now." Maybe I did reply her, but I forgot, everything was too quick.

And then I got up to throw away the pieces of paper, but while walking(during which I felt like I was floating instead), I felt tingling in my hands and things became so hazy. Too loud, too slow, and yet, too fast. I didn't know what was happening. It went by too fast.

Next thing I know, Jan was asking me to just stop and I felt so relieved. But I was still trembling. She was putting piece after piece of post-it paper for me to tear. I didn't know why I continued tearing even after I knew it made me feel worse.

It happened too fast. Suddenly the room emptied and people were leaving. I didn't even know why. I think I was panicking.

All the while, breathing was hard. Sure, it wore off, soon after. But it took like, ten minutes. Oh, the best part? NO ONE TOOK IT SERIOUSLY. Everyone kept thinking I was just stressed. I was not JUST stressed. May I please reiterate the fact that I was hyperventilating?

How on EARTH can I think about when I want to leave when I was reassuring myself by telling me to breathe in and out slowly. How on EARTH was I supposed to quicken my pace and get my bag ready since everyone had left the room. How on EARTH did I end up having to treat and help myself when there was at least 4 other QUALIFIED FIRST AIDERS around.

Did anyone think I was possibly JOKING about hyperventilating? That I wasn't REALLY hyperventilating? That it was just some fake DRAMA?

(On second thoughts, I should have been more dramatic. I should have just stopped whatever I was doing and run out the room to the toilet and lock myself in a cubicle.)

I even told them I was hyperventilating. I told them, you know. I wasn't even subtly hinting to them. Yet nobody came to take me away to a quiet place and reassure me by telling me to breathe in and out slowly, which is the correct treatment. I was left to treat myself. And carry my own bags. With everyone way in front of me.

Not that I care much; I did not die.

But is this honestly what you do when there are casualties? If you can pretend to treat casualties during all those firedrills, surely you can treat a real one who already told you her injury straight out. And it's not like it needs bandages to be treated.

I'm not saying my own first aid is perfect. Neither am I trying to put anyone down, but I'm wondering why no one seemed to care. Leaving a casualty to treat herself and help herself? Do you seriously do that? No wonder the NCOs are disappointed with our first aid. We lack the basic quality needed to do first aid.

Care.