queen is the title

I am going to be a sociology student.

I cannot be any more excited.

we're on a quick, sick rampage

just a few speedy updates, i suppose.

last week wasn't very good, but i tried my hardest to be rational and figure out why, and i don't think i was wrong in saying that ovulation influenced a large part of it.

i've been very good with keeping to deadlines for assignments, or the occasional extensions, anyway.

i think that's a very good thing and i am pleased with myself.

i can't say the same for revision, but i'm working towards it.

there is so much to consolidate, so much to do for lit and i feel very anxious at the amount of work i'd have to finish very soon.

for econs, i'd have to go over everything that's been taught and internalise it, which is so very crucial.

same for math because probability and binomial distribution are being so very effectively elusive and i am frazzled.

i am finding myself to be more and more systematic about everything i do, and i think that's great.

work is work & i do what i have to do.

if there is anything i did wrong, then i acknowledge my duty to rectify it.

somewhere sometime ago i made myself recognise that mistakes are ok, and that i really should stop berating myself for em

though i do accede to a couple minutes (or hours) of self-loathe then it's back to loving myself so much it's gross.

i suppose.

tbh i really don't care about anyone but myself right now

if that's what it takes to get me focused and constantly moving forward, then that's what imma do.

//

i am an endless work in progress.

someone like you, always be my baby

today was a pleasant day

how lovely is it that the week ended with a beach picnic?

it was fun, yeah

ok i don't know what to write i realised halfway through that writing like that would mean i'd be going down the descriptive path i don't do descriptive writing on here that's not how i work

but i wanted to write about cheap thrills and window-shopping and self-indulgence and put this way, everything sounds so much less shiny

://

idk it was a fun day with fun people

wow ok i'm so sorry i'm so so so sorry this is the weakest thing ever bye

here's harry deepthroating a banana to make up for it

also preggo harry look at that lil pooch

ily harry

even though you don't love me

ohhhhhhh god
please do not ask me about religion
please i am begging you
it is another thing that deeply conflicts me and i am not at all well-equipped to do justice to whatever discussions about my religion, because while i recognise that it is a beautiful, wondrous thing, i am also dealing with the very rocky relationship i have with it and its role in my life and nearly everything i say of it will paint it in a merely dull, mediocre light which probably isn't very fair.
: ((
i do not quite think, too, that having to question the purpose and nature of religion in studying larkin's poems so extensively, helps with this.
lit what are u doing to my life
i love u but why do u make me have to face my crises and torment me so.

i got big deals and i got little things

i was hoping i'd be able to leave existentialism behind with 2013

but now it's virtually inescapable, considering how waiting for godot revolves itself around the very concept
(or the one that conveniently eats at me almost always ty)

if i'd thought waterland was bad, this will be a million times more overwhelming.

but i am not going to say that i am particularly dreading it or am in fear of it, because i like how having to study it presents me with an official reason to actually crash myself headfirst into the whole existentialism thing.

and hey, at least i get to do it academically/intellectually, and maybe whatever crisis i encounter may get to manifest itself cleverly in an essay.

also lit lectures have been sounding more and more philosophical, which i'm not gonna complain about, because it's fun.

yeah, i think i'll be handling existentialism ok this year.

i think.

although i don't think by definition i am existing very well.

right now i feel like i am just floating by and apparently that's not ok???

i mean, i complete whatever real world task i have to do decently enough, i will give myself at least that because i take pride in my work ok

but other than that, i think i do not really exist??

or i do, but just not here.

it's one of those "here & elsewhere" things.

embedding myself in the present...sounds wacky.

but i am existing ok, i think!!

this has been a great massive contradiction !!!