i got big deals and i got little things

i was hoping i'd be able to leave existentialism behind with 2013

but now it's virtually inescapable, considering how waiting for godot revolves itself around the very concept
(or the one that conveniently eats at me almost always ty)

if i'd thought waterland was bad, this will be a million times more overwhelming.

but i am not going to say that i am particularly dreading it or am in fear of it, because i like how having to study it presents me with an official reason to actually crash myself headfirst into the whole existentialism thing.

and hey, at least i get to do it academically/intellectually, and maybe whatever crisis i encounter may get to manifest itself cleverly in an essay.

also lit lectures have been sounding more and more philosophical, which i'm not gonna complain about, because it's fun.

yeah, i think i'll be handling existentialism ok this year.

i think.

although i don't think by definition i am existing very well.

right now i feel like i am just floating by and apparently that's not ok???

i mean, i complete whatever real world task i have to do decently enough, i will give myself at least that because i take pride in my work ok

but other than that, i think i do not really exist??

or i do, but just not here.

it's one of those "here & elsewhere" things.

embedding myself in the present...sounds wacky.

but i am existing ok, i think!!

this has been a great massive contradiction !!!