someone like you, always be my baby

today was a pleasant day

how lovely is it that the week ended with a beach picnic?

it was fun, yeah

ok i don't know what to write i realised halfway through that writing like that would mean i'd be going down the descriptive path i don't do descriptive writing on here that's not how i work

but i wanted to write about cheap thrills and window-shopping and self-indulgence and put this way, everything sounds so much less shiny

://

idk it was a fun day with fun people

wow ok i'm so sorry i'm so so so sorry this is the weakest thing ever bye

here's harry deepthroating a banana to make up for it

also preggo harry look at that lil pooch

ily harry

even though you don't love me

ohhhhhhh god
please do not ask me about religion
please i am begging you
it is another thing that deeply conflicts me and i am not at all well-equipped to do justice to whatever discussions about my religion, because while i recognise that it is a beautiful, wondrous thing, i am also dealing with the very rocky relationship i have with it and its role in my life and nearly everything i say of it will paint it in a merely dull, mediocre light which probably isn't very fair.
: ((
i do not quite think, too, that having to question the purpose and nature of religion in studying larkin's poems so extensively, helps with this.
lit what are u doing to my life
i love u but why do u make me have to face my crises and torment me so.

i got big deals and i got little things

i was hoping i'd be able to leave existentialism behind with 2013

but now it's virtually inescapable, considering how waiting for godot revolves itself around the very concept
(or the one that conveniently eats at me almost always ty)

if i'd thought waterland was bad, this will be a million times more overwhelming.

but i am not going to say that i am particularly dreading it or am in fear of it, because i like how having to study it presents me with an official reason to actually crash myself headfirst into the whole existentialism thing.

and hey, at least i get to do it academically/intellectually, and maybe whatever crisis i encounter may get to manifest itself cleverly in an essay.

also lit lectures have been sounding more and more philosophical, which i'm not gonna complain about, because it's fun.

yeah, i think i'll be handling existentialism ok this year.

i think.

although i don't think by definition i am existing very well.

right now i feel like i am just floating by and apparently that's not ok???

i mean, i complete whatever real world task i have to do decently enough, i will give myself at least that because i take pride in my work ok

but other than that, i think i do not really exist??

or i do, but just not here.

it's one of those "here & elsewhere" things.

embedding myself in the present...sounds wacky.

but i am existing ok, i think!!

this has been a great massive contradiction !!!

she takes a dip in my daydreams

sitting here on a sunday night with arctic monkeys playing and

i feel a little plagued with obligations and

all i am thinking is that i really really really need a mug of hot water.

i am so heckin thirsty.

okay well here we go.

i have one mug of hot water with me and

there are a lot of things traipsing through my mind i want to get off.

firstly,

twitter is terrible.

there is so much i can say about it, but right now i'm going with 

ew.

to be fair, i suppose

it would be hard to come up with intelligent, profound things with only 140 characters to spare.

how? do you compound all you wanna say in 140 stingy characters?

there are reasons for my dumb affinity to what i call twitter essays...or twitter tirades.

but no, twitter being bad isn't because of me

(if you'd like me to be honest i'd say my twitter is one of my favourite things to exist ever)

it's because of all the shitty, problematic things i see on there,

how it's so easy for these shitty, problematic ways of thinking to spread?

and how so very few people on there catch onto the fact that what they're rt-ing is essentially so shitty and problematic.

that, and how like 83% of tweets people write make me roll me eyes and scoff bc how so very dumb...! and absolutely cliché and not well thought-out..!

(really bc i am a bitter spiteful arse but that's another story)

((but no, why the heck not, ok let's talk about that.))

secondly,

i am sooo heckin bitter.

it's been that way a lot recently??

feelin hella resentful for a lot! of things and it's really honestly irrational

(like if u have ur life on track i probably hate u stop tweeting abt in on twitter idc about ur sats or ur completed homework iidi onnt caaaereee just shhhhhh)

pretending i don't care.

but feelin hella resentful.

i think it is a fairly destructive way of being

something i will have to work on.

i think maybe it's just me being mad at myself for being so terribly stagnant.

there is a lot i have to do,

as in physically do, because this pile of work isn't gonna miraculously disappear on its own,

and also to emotionally remedy

bc hey! let's come up with healthier ways of existing!

which i think may go in tandem with how on-the-ball i am academically

ew.

but ok i'm gonna need to find a way to counter this helplessness instead of stupidly trying to escape it

which will start with coming up with a gr8 timetable and schedule.

(tomorrow morning during breakfast before pe)

i think maybe this will also help with soothing the bouts of anxiety i get whenever i acknowledge just how...overwhelmed...i feel bc school! work! emotional stability! family! people!

how scary though, those bouts.

it's really really dumb bc i usually have to sit down and calmly talk myself out of it

(ok it's ok ur ok u have everything under control u just need to sort urself out methodically and u'll be fine ok dont panic just breathe ok ur good)

and it feels like two people in me and then a third would laugh at the absurdity of it all.

yes ok.

i would really love to resolve that.

thirdly,

i've been thinking about self-validation sort of.
"fake it till u make it"s a gr8 way to go.
no it's THE way to go.
why the projected self-importance
well why heckin not
so much of it on my twitter.
i don't mind it much.
not at all.
small doses of narcissism, coupled with self-awareness, and ur good to go tbh.
why do you think i love my twitter so much.
(i hate it but i love it bc it's so gr8 what a gr8 way of collecting all my stray thoughts it's all me on my twitter yeah)

okay i feel very out of depth right now
and so unsettled
sooo ooo o unbalanced
overwhelmed
i feel like i have to obsessively plan my life in a v detailed  manner right now
even though i'm p sure this isn't a very healthy way of feeling
yeah ok it's a work in progress
((like that time travel fic.......which i ended up rereading.............))
: //

GUNSHOT!
HE WAS PICKING FLOWERS FOR HIS BABY AND THEN!
GUNSHOT!
!!!!!!!!!
WHY

always be my baby

ahhhhh I don't quite think I should particularly be writing anything, because there is not much to say

but as of now I am all bottled up emotions and frustrations and in delving deeper into the self I do not really find anything that could be specifically causing it

so I am going to fly blind here and say it is because this amazing time travel fic hasn't been updated.

which is absolutely horrid!

because!

it means in the meantime i can never ever get to reading another fic

(and lemme tell u i have a long queue of probably amazing fics to read which i can't because!)

to do that would mean emotionally investing myself in /another/ situation, where the characters and their circumstances are vaaastly different.

right now the louis i am reading about is a time traveller who may or may not die at 47, and the complementary harry is the patient, unconditionally loving love of his life.

reading another fic where everything! is impossibly different would shatter that for me.

i am just so, so unready to sever the attachment i presently have with the time travel fic.

i am in no way capable of doing that.

there is no closure yet, i can't move on yet, i am still so, so unready.

does he or does he not die?

will present harry&louis be able to figure things out and deal with that?

will they go on after 47!louis?

DOES HE OR DOES HE NOT DIE

?????

so no, i cannot go on with other things.

i am not reading any other fics.

which means there is a huge deficit of fics in my life right now, and shit, that blows.

because even though i still am able to read not-harry&louis things, (which is great! because it gave me time to read a little coelho!) i am not able to satisfy that thirsty harry&louis part of me.

i am just so, so, so.

bummed.

not being exposed to some harry&louis fiction is unhealthy.

i need that emotional investment it's so cathartic.

i hope it updates soon.

the last chapter.

inadvertently got myself involved in a wip i cannot beliebe.

did the unthinkable!

i thought it was a super long one-shot!!!

and well i mean.

there is one other fic that's also a wip with which i'm in an ldr, but that's a different thing.

ocean sequence (ha remember that?) is written differently, more poetically; it's something i can revisit again and again and again because i have the option of just admiring the language.

with this time travel fic i don't think i have the patience to re-read everything all over again, bc it is best enjoyed/appreciated the first time round.

it's a bit like watching an action movie, innit.

the first time you see one it's so fun! and exciting! and wow plot twist!

but the second time you already know what's gonna happen and it falls a little flat.

so that's that.

i hope it updates soon.

gettin weak all in your knees

happy birthday again!
food-mouth.com/2014/01/07/vanilla-bean-marshmallow-cake/

anyway i haven't been here in a fair bit of time.
the moment will come soon; it isn't now.