how else to sum it up

sometimes i have to remind myself that this space is supposed to be for me
it is to cater to me
is has been designed for me
it is for me to use at my disposal
it is for me, me, me.

*sobs*
no sign of a social caesura any soon ....................

be with me so happily

alright so.
a year ago tonight i discovered my first harry&louis fic, in attempts of purging this terrible, terrible ennui.
it was after this cropped up on my dash


so, so beautiful wow.
my heart was taken so, so quick.
there is something so terrifyingly honest about the way these two are with each other, and wow.
ouch.
it hurts a lot.
and it's been a year, and i still feel the same way about this.
and, i have been improved!
a lot!
i don't know i can't say much about this but
learning about their relationship has enhanced interminable aspects of my life.
and they also make me happy, and i am just so.
happy.

there has been a lot of firsts with these so um
for memory's sake,
first louis&harry gif:

first louis&harry fic: happy thoughts
first louis&harry blog: reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal
first louis&harry song (that i ever cried to lmaooo): kiss me
yeah i am done i am not going to push it.

also let me tell you that i am heaving right now
two of my ultimate favourite blogs that discuss louis&harry just follwoed me i think im gona die theyre so clever and groenw up and im just me and i cnt beleive they folwoed me i a m so hapy.

i think i am decently content with where my life is right now.
of course the effort presently exerted leaves much to be desired...but still.
who else can be as effusive when speaking about things like friends..or hobbies.
so i am content.

and if he feels my traces in your hair

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
— Daniell Koepke

I have been thinking a lot about toxic people in recent months.

by my heavenly side

wow it's been self-destruction going out this much.

*looks at planner*

yep here are a couple more dates marked.

i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)

there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)

sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate. 
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.

i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.

yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.

so why let your voice be tamed

i'm in love with you
and all his little things

i am so inexplicably sad
shit