so does anyone else have a certain soundtrack to specific moments in Life?
a couple songs that just evoke a sense of nostalgia attached to distinct experiences?
just taking down some notes; here are some of mine.
for the first day of work: ridin' - lana del rey ft a$ap rocky
for bus rides home after midshifts: tennis court - lorde
for that horrendous period when i was a horrendously aggressive salesperson: jealous girl - lana del rey
for the victoria's secret next door: welcome to new york/new romantics - taylor swift
for the woman next door: love me like you do - ellie goulding
for the first time i ran the shop alone; for those 5am hours roaming a still sleepy airport: brooklyn baby - lana del rey
for the last week of work: old money - lana del rey
(it really is needless to say that i have been dedicating a fair bit of my time to lana's music.)
i must be boring you to death, i think, with excessive details of my ex-work, but i have to leave this somewhere.
Showing posts with label #something for myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #something for myself. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2015
heaven can't help me now
oh my goodness this place has been so sad and desolate but hey ! here I am now.
i realised i haven't really updated this blog much (not at all ha), and it's still fairly in the dark wrt my recent state of affairs.
well, blog, if you must know, i've finished with my A levels and i've already sent in a couple uni applications (the me of secondary school days would've been absolutely astounded knowing this; A levels??? uni???? work?????? UNI??????????).
by now, i already have about 4 months of work experience at the airport & good god, i feel like i've emerged so much better as a person.
it was a wild experience and so many things happened, but it was one of the best decisions i've made for myself.
really, i am just here to write of how...changed...i feel, after four whole months of workity work.
(hold on tight this is all gonna be v messy and delirious-sounding.)
i'm just so proud of myself.
in the 4 months of salesperson-ing (at a goddamn Pandora store, no less) i gained so much experience.
i've become more open, better at dealing with people, at being more persuasive/assertive, more cool-headed, more adept at multi-tasking under stress; i've come to trust and put actual value in myself.
seemingly trivial things like customers asking me for my opinion, for example.
mere months ago i would've been highly doubtful about the accuracy of my judgement, too preoccupied thinking what if i'm wrong and problems happen bc of me.
now it's a complete turnaround.
i am honestly amazed at myself, being able to answer questions with conviction and persuasion.
and i'm so ace at phone calls now??!?!?!???!?? 13 year old me would've been terrified.
heck, 18 year old me in dec '14 had marvelled at a friend's effortless ability to make phone calls to a goddamn pizza place - sweetheart did you know by now you've handled countless phone calls involving hysterical enraged customers, or help centres which you had to contact bc hey, the POS machine's suddenly acting up and you need to see that this is rectified asap and you're alone so you're in charge.
i was truly so successful at work it feels fucking amazing.
i'm thinking of how i completely 120%ed my sales target in february (>$75k in sales that's me) + being trusted with the shop key + p much caring for the store on my own (!!!!!!!!!) + all the pleased customers i've served (the best & most satisfying part tbh) etc etc etc the list is endless and recognising how good i was at my job feels glorious.
not to say i made 0 mistakes, which, i did, and oh boy did i make mistakes.
things like carelessness and silly panic that tripped me up and resulted in stupid things like items being left behind, undercharging customers...STUPID THINGS.
but i got up and learnt and improved.
and it was so incredible to realise, with each passing day, all the things i was actually capable of doing.
(oh my god i can open the store, i can handle an endless 7-hour stream of customers, and i can actually do the aforementioned alone)
okay the past few paragraphs have been so me-centric but i assure you my working environment was always ever so pleasant.
my coworkers were so great and easy to talk to and kind and accommodating and i am so fond of them???
i could've never achieved anything without their help.
god, i miss them so much.
(rave and his salesperson tips, his calling everyone "sister", his generous treats.
narmin and her bunny talk, her honeyed voice, her motherly ways.
polly and her easygoing manner.
emilie and her knowing-what-she-want-and-being-assertive-about-its.
etc.
etc.
etc.)
really, i am just here to write of how...changed...i feel, after four whole months of workity work.
(hold on tight this is all gonna be v messy and delirious-sounding.)
i'm just so proud of myself.
in the 4 months of salesperson-ing (at a goddamn Pandora store, no less) i gained so much experience.
i've become more open, better at dealing with people, at being more persuasive/assertive, more cool-headed, more adept at multi-tasking under stress; i've come to trust and put actual value in myself.
seemingly trivial things like customers asking me for my opinion, for example.
mere months ago i would've been highly doubtful about the accuracy of my judgement, too preoccupied thinking what if i'm wrong and problems happen bc of me.
now it's a complete turnaround.
i am honestly amazed at myself, being able to answer questions with conviction and persuasion.
and i'm so ace at phone calls now??!?!?!???!?? 13 year old me would've been terrified.
heck, 18 year old me in dec '14 had marvelled at a friend's effortless ability to make phone calls to a goddamn pizza place - sweetheart did you know by now you've handled countless phone calls involving hysterical enraged customers, or help centres which you had to contact bc hey, the POS machine's suddenly acting up and you need to see that this is rectified asap and you're alone so you're in charge.
i was truly so successful at work it feels fucking amazing.
i'm thinking of how i completely 120%ed my sales target in february (>$75k in sales that's me) + being trusted with the shop key + p much caring for the store on my own (!!!!!!!!!) + all the pleased customers i've served (the best & most satisfying part tbh) etc etc etc the list is endless and recognising how good i was at my job feels glorious.
not to say i made 0 mistakes, which, i did, and oh boy did i make mistakes.
things like carelessness and silly panic that tripped me up and resulted in stupid things like items being left behind, undercharging customers...STUPID THINGS.
but i got up and learnt and improved.
and it was so incredible to realise, with each passing day, all the things i was actually capable of doing.
(oh my god i can open the store, i can handle an endless 7-hour stream of customers, and i can actually do the aforementioned alone)
okay the past few paragraphs have been so me-centric but i assure you my working environment was always ever so pleasant.
my coworkers were so great and easy to talk to and kind and accommodating and i am so fond of them???
i could've never achieved anything without their help.
god, i miss them so much.
(rave and his salesperson tips, his calling everyone "sister", his generous treats.
narmin and her bunny talk, her honeyed voice, her motherly ways.
polly and her easygoing manner.
emilie and her knowing-what-she-want-and-being-assertive-about-its.
etc.
etc.
etc.)
i love working at the airport, i do, i do!
there is a saying here that once you work at the airport, you'll never want to work anywhere else.
tbh....true.
it's so entrapping that place, and not in a bad way at all.
i adore the dynamic environment, the unusual waking hours, how you never see the same person twice, the traveller stories, the exclusivity of being able to enter the "restricted" transit area with a special pass, the being part of the Best Airport In The World, etc.... it's all so....... ♡~♡
i feel so blessed.
thank you, god, for letting such a good thing come my way.
i fully enjoyed what i did; took the good and the bad in stride.
this is truly such a big moment of pride for me.
tl;dr. I'm *amazed* at myself. I've accomplished things that I, with all my shyness and introversion, had never ever thought I could.
on my last day, my manager had asked me if i was looking so happy because it was my last day.
i hope she knows that i was/am happy because i had felt truly content - the experience was so, so satisfying, and i couldn't have asked for anything better.
this is truly such a big moment of pride for me.
tl;dr. I'm *amazed* at myself. I've accomplished things that I, with all my shyness and introversion, had never ever thought I could.
on my last day, my manager had asked me if i was looking so happy because it was my last day.
i hope she knows that i was/am happy because i had felt truly content - the experience was so, so satisfying, and i couldn't have asked for anything better.
Monday, October 20, 2014
living la dolce vita
EEEEEEEKkkkKkkKkkkkK I MADE A NEW FRIEND TODAY!!!
I know I sound like a wee child gushing over her newfound mate on the first day of playschool, but this has been the absolute highlight of my (otherwise dreary, potentially stressful) Monday!
It happened all very cutely imo!
See, the thing is we've been Tumblr/Twitter mutuals for a million moons and we've always talked on there, but irl I'm just a shy timid loser and we rarely interact, even when we cross paths. (Only shy, quiet smiles and "hello"s and tbh we were really precious then)
Then ~things~ happened and it ended up with me asking her (it's Shu Yu) out for lunch/tea and she said YES and everything felt surreal??? (P sure I was shaking and nervous and all flustered, even with the other Big Thing which had led to all this in the first place.)
Okay but all I know is that the moment we saw each other we just started giggling and laughing and giggling because the circumstances were so funny, so hilarious, and it made everything else feel the same way.
(Note: Mutual friend Audrey got v confused and asked if I had a crush on Shu Yu which, tbh, made us crack up even more.)
And so we went for lunch and talked for so long and clicked so fast it was p mad that we were never real life friends any earlier.
Okay now I know why this has got me feeling so thrilled and ecstatic -- it's like meeting an Internet friend for the first time.
(Sooo will this also be how I feel when I see Janelle for the first time?)
God, I am just so...glad! that this happened.
It felt so heckin good to have someone understand everything without me feeling like I needed to purposefully/uncomfortably/unwillingly bare myself.
Omg good friends, you feel?
: )
A little (a lot) late into the year, but I am glad it happened all the same.
This definitely belongs in the "Good Things" tag.
ps. The whole process of gaining my composure before seeing her was so nerve-wracking. Would've been easier getting ready to see a boy. This is because impressing girls is way harder and way more important than impressing any simple boy would ever be. Trust me this is 100% true.
UPDATE: she just sent me a good night text i am beaming so hard tbh the sun shines sky is blue i am dead and friends are good
UPDATE: she just sent me a good night text i am beaming so hard tbh the sun shines sky is blue i am dead and friends are good
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
by my heavenly side
wow it's been self-destruction going out this much.
*looks at planner*
yep here are a couple more dates marked.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
chase you down until you love me
(okay this is from long ago but I'm ready to bring this monstrous birth into the world's light
ignore it it is indulgently shameless I am so so so so so so so rry)
ignore it it is indulgently shameless I am so so so so so so so rry)
nowkissmeyoufool
he’s got golden skin and fingernails that are bitten
he’s got golden skin and fingernails that are bitten
I love when he looks at his boy oh-so smitten
and when he clutches his tummy when he sings
louis tomlinson is my favorite thing
you know I wanted to write about how in love I am with louis tomlinson
(this is me giving you leave to say I am obsessed with him
yeah it is gripping me too & I'm trying to get my head around it tbh
louis tomlinson
bc it is ridiculous and it makes me sad
how much I want to kiss him
he's the prettiest, most beautiful, to exist
crinkles of his eyes.??????
oh??
my god???
not gonna even try with this one??
so fucking beautiful
he made my doll heart light up with joy
I can watch his hands
his lovely chiseled jaw
light sprinkle of stubble
feathery feathery pixie hair
god damn tattoos on golden skin
for years
holy shit
in my thoughts 25/7 tbh
you can give me the nicest, loveliest, most flawless HQ pics of like harry or zayn or liam or niall maybe
don't get me wrong I mean they're gorgeous we can all see that
but I'd look at any louis photo
(lo usi?? LOIUS!! !!!!!!)
and
shit shithith ihsoduidub it's sad bc
louis
pretty pretty louis will pop your bubblegum heart aha : ) x )
fuckin angel.
same hary saem
but then I read some zourry fic and got kinda scared
of jealous louis
(legitimately scared)
sometimes I forget louis is a sassy bitch (no no this isn't an insult it's the truth)
(almost scared enough to not want to kiss him anymore!!!)
bc
jealous louis
will fuck you up.
don't touch his boy ever ever ever.
but then I felt sad bc
imagine people touching your boyfriend all the time
and you can't tell them off
bc you're supposed to keep the relationship a secret
and so I decided that
if I ever met them
I'd ask for permission before going in to hug them.
harry. louis. whoever.
(common decency tbh)
meanwhile I'm gonna listen to paparazzi
bc apparently it's the soundtrack
to my louis crush/obsession.
same hary same.
(this is me giving you leave to say I am obsessed with him
yeah it is gripping me too & I'm trying to get my head around it tbh
louis tomlinson
bc it is ridiculous and it makes me sad
how much I want to kiss him
he's the prettiest, most beautiful, to exist
crinkles of his eyes.??????
oh??
my god???
not gonna even try with this one??
so fucking beautiful
he made my doll heart light up with joy
I can watch his hands
his lovely chiseled jaw
light sprinkle of stubble
feathery feathery pixie hair
god damn tattoos on golden skin
for years
holy shit
in my thoughts 25/7 tbh
you can give me the nicest, loveliest, most flawless HQ pics of like harry or zayn or liam or niall maybe
don't get me wrong I mean they're gorgeous we can all see that
but I'd look at any louis photo
(lo usi?? LOIUS!! !!!!!!)
and
shit shithith ihsoduidub it's sad bc
louis
pretty pretty louis will pop your bubblegum heart aha : ) x )
fuckin angel.
same hary saem
but then I read some zourry fic and got kinda scared
of jealous louis
(legitimately scared)
sometimes I forget louis is a sassy bitch (no no this isn't an insult it's the truth)
(almost scared enough to not want to kiss him anymore!!!)
bc
jealous louis
will fuck you up.
don't touch his boy ever ever ever.
but then I felt sad bc
imagine people touching your boyfriend all the time
and you can't tell them off
bc you're supposed to keep the relationship a secret
and so I decided that
if I ever met them
I'd ask for permission before going in to hug them.
harry. louis. whoever.
(common decency tbh)
meanwhile I'm gonna listen to paparazzi
bc apparently it's the soundtrack
to my louis crush/obsession.
same hary same.
blood, guts and angel cake
the haunting thing about
instead of being sixteen, i'm burning up a bible
feeling super! super! super! suicidal
is that
not only does
the first line suggest an absolute total loss of innocence (sweet sixteen) with the renunciation of religion
(you burn a bible, you are no longer sixteen)
if you listen to it playing
it sounds a bit like a subverted hymn, like some sort of mockery
and the second line sounds so terrifyingly nonchalant about death
and
once again, when you hear it
there is such a chilling excitement about it like
they look forward so, so much to dying
it is the way a teenage girl would sing along at a pop concert
(let me hide behind superficial things let me forget my troubles)
they are so wrecked they do not care about anything any longer
and all they are is sadsadsad
it is mindlessness cult-ure ish
(is it?)
the thing is,
two days ago
this is what kept me company.
ah, the delicious perplexities of adolescence.
instead of being sixteen, i'm burning up a bible
feeling super! super! super! suicidal
is that
not only does
the first line suggest an absolute total loss of innocence (sweet sixteen) with the renunciation of religion
(you burn a bible, you are no longer sixteen)
if you listen to it playing
it sounds a bit like a subverted hymn, like some sort of mockery
and the second line sounds so terrifyingly nonchalant about death
and
once again, when you hear it
there is such a chilling excitement about it like
they look forward so, so much to dying
it is the way a teenage girl would sing along at a pop concert
(let me hide behind superficial things let me forget my troubles)
they are so wrecked they do not care about anything any longer
and all they are is sadsadsad
it is mindlessness cult-ure ish
(is it?)
the thing is,
two days ago
this is what kept me company.
ah, the delicious perplexities of adolescence.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
blood on my sleeve
an academic & spiritual pursuit
a name and a description
praise&thanks;
creator,master,nurturer,gifter
extreme, loving, liable to change
eternal
nouns for permanence
verbs for things temporary
the middle line as both conclusion and introduction
linguistically perfect
thematically balanced
(knowledge&action)
(good&bad)
all-encompassing
the struggles of humanity
(& the balance it strives for)
of body&soul
of men&women
of capital&labour
of the government and its people
a name and a description
praise&thanks;
creator,master,nurturer,gifter
extreme, loving, liable to change
eternal
nouns for permanence
verbs for things temporary
the middle line as both conclusion and introduction
linguistically perfect
thematically balanced
(knowledge&action)
(good&bad)
all-encompassing
the struggles of humanity
(& the balance it strives for)
of body&soul
of men&women
of capital&labour
of the government and its people
Saturday, August 31, 2013
forbidden little kiss
(this might get a little messy and all-over-the-place)
It wasn't just yesterday
(yesterday was brilliant
thank you)
thank you)
but in general.
everything.
I mean I may be struggling a lot a little with econs schoolwork
but I'm happy.
and this is good because it means my
self-esteem
social life
suspected social anxiety
and everything else in between
is in check.
It feels really good it feels amazing to be happy.
And it's funny because last year I was sad a lot and it wasn't fun and I didn't realise that
self-empowerment begins with yourself
and this year when the circumstances have changed and the world revealed things to me
well idk what else to say?
everything's gone uphill
I've identified things that don't make me feel good at all
I've eradicated them from my life
and here I am.
I'm surrounding myself with relatively happy people who get me who make me feel good about myself who make me do the release-your-inhibitions thing.
because I realised that that was what I needed you feel me.
right now I can't deal with sadsadsad it drags me down it confuses me it makes me feel icky about myself.
and walking away from that feels good because it feels like I'm finally respecting myself.
I mean yes, I get sad sometimes but I think I am dealing with it well this time round.
(no more self-harm
psychologically & physically)
((oh my god this is just a terrible post but I feel like talking about it so much???))
just acceptance that this is a Normal Part of Quotidian Life and that it will help me continually progress and grow as a human being.
It's great to rely on myself for happiness and love.
People won't ever fulfill /your/ expectations
and if you don't do good things for yourself
no one else will.
It's important & necessary sometimes to have hyperbolic self-importance
(not too much too often though, that would be excessive narcissism?).
It assuages any doubts you have of yourself and it's also very lovely.
no crap what if everyone hates me I don't wanna walk through this crowded-ass canteen anymore
hey there, don't be silly, you're good enough, you're kind and pretty and lovely and you have friends around you who love you too you are fine everyone else is nothing compared to you you are queen.
what if my friends secretly hate me
why /would/ they secretly hate you
?
I think one of the best things that's happened to me is my self-esteem being decent enough to let me allow myself to accept that
!!I might maybe possibly have a crush on someone!!
it's big because for the longest time ever like for a few years ok
I've never let myself feel good enough for anyone else
(hence all the self-deprecation god it was terrible don't remind me about it)
but two days ago I decided that I already love myself enough to potentially like another person
(oh my god but I'm gonna cry bc he's so cute and clever and cute i hate myself no i dont mena that i love myself just his cuteness im gona like explode or somethn ya)
and ok
I mean it's a crush so that is all.
I think I'm rational enough to handle it okay.
and if he doesn't like me back then it is okay lol.
Another thing that makes me ridiculously happy
is that I now have means of discussing sexuality with no qualms at all.
it's something I needed a lot because growing up and all
but all my life I thought it was a despicable taboo thing to talk about seriously
so I didn't and it was frustrating
but then my paternal cousins???
oh my god??
it feels so good bc sexuality in a relevant context (that is to say the singaporean-malay-muslim-girl context)
and yeah??
it is a beautiful wondrous thing
it helps me understand a lot of things a lot more
and they are great conversationalists and there is never a moment of silence
(and it's hideous that I'll be missing out on seeing them tomorrow gdi)
so I'm happy.
I am very contented and this starts my 18th year beautifully.
Friday, August 23, 2013
shootin' for stars on a saturday night
they say what goes up
must come down
but don't let me fall
I don't /think/ I've quite been myself lately
(but this may lead only to questions going
what am i
how do i define myself
what constitutes self
so I will not let it matter for now)
and I don't quite know why..?
(but maybe it is better to say that I feel different than I was before
and that some part of me has /changed/)
all I know is right now
I cannot bring myself to nurse emotions
(by that I mean those of others).
I have this great huge feeling that this!
is all because of what'd been happening for the three or four months
but that's presently all over and done with
and now
right now
I am channeling all feelings to myself
putting me first in a lot of things
making sure I actually care for myself
physically, emotionally
(self-aggrandising, if you may
because most times I find me telling myself
you're more important than anyone else around here)
self-love before attempts to love anyone else
I suppose
maybe it's a bad thing, maybe not
but right now I don't think I have the capacity to tender-love
anyone else but myself
unless I think I'm ready enough for that
or if I feel like it
(wow how selfish u are o k)
because I /need/ this ok
I need to sort myself out
(by distancing myself from emotions??
yeah ok)
I am not letting myself fall into the deep emotional end
(if that makes sense)
see, the furthest I am letting myself go is
over-enhanced rage towards petty annoyances
or other things of childish/immature qualities
and intense feelings for preoccupations that really don't matter
that and /only/ getting reaaally emotionally invested in things that are positive
so I will not have to extricate myself from ~convoluted~ feelings/imptthings/idkman if things get messed up in a bad way
that is to say, for example
if I really, really feel averse to being your friend
(dear god "being your friend" back to primary school now are we)
and you have no friend
I will not let myself feel bad enough
at the expense of my comfort & happiness
to go out of my way to alleviate that
(say, like I would have done like a year ago)
that is also to say, I will not care for you + will leave you to your (unfortunate) circumstances
(but whoever is reading this is probably not the "you" in here please don't feel a need to relate to this "you")
another example, yeah
happy & sad
that is it
that is all I will let myself be right now
why are you happy I did ok for my test
oh that is wonderful
why are you sad my cat's sick my brother called me mean names
I am so sorry you have to endure that things will be okay soon, friend, let me give you some simple advice to help you cope with those mundane-but-still-upsetting situations
why are you sad I am not sad I am distressed I feel mocked I am ashamed of myself my ego is in jeopardy it is disappointment in self that feels so, so weighty and I am crumbling under it i am sorry i do not get you am i suppposed to get something here this is too complex for me to understand and deal with sorry.
why are you happy I've had a revelation and epiphany I am not happy I am relieved I am insightful I am more introspective right now let me share it with you & I will be giving you blank stares and expressionless blinks
je suis désolée je ne te comprends plus.
yeah
so this is what I'm doing now
and I probably seem like I've gone backward
and like I've lost the sense of empathy
(no trust me
I still care for u friend
if u need some love hmu)
((oh my god I sound like some wild mix of erica+kelly stupidstagram gdi))
but ok
if that's what helps with my promos
(hah joke
self-acceptance is the most important thing of course
I need a way to tell myself that she is someone I love and am in love with first and foremost
like I'd put so much on the line for promos aha
um yeah at least that's what I think)
oh my god in re-reading this
I really do come across as a horrid person
um.
healthy(??) degree of narcissism?
???
?: )?
idk my friends have taken to calling me queen
which yeah
it's true
rn I don't quite give a matter to people around me
I am not going to make way for you
you are welcome to do that yourself
as of now I am going to do things for myself
maybe you can pray that things will right themselves soon enough.
must come down
but don't let me fall
I don't /think/ I've quite been myself lately
(but this may lead only to questions going
what am i
how do i define myself
what constitutes self
so I will not let it matter for now)
and I don't quite know why..?
(but maybe it is better to say that I feel different than I was before
and that some part of me has /changed/)
all I know is right now
I cannot bring myself to nurse emotions
(by that I mean those of others).
I have this great huge feeling that this!
is all because of what'd been happening for the three or four months
but that's presently all over and done with
and now
right now
I am channeling all feelings to myself
putting me first in a lot of things
making sure I actually care for myself
physically, emotionally
(self-aggrandising, if you may
because most times I find me telling myself
you're more important than anyone else around here)
self-love before attempts to love anyone else
I suppose
maybe it's a bad thing, maybe not
but right now I don't think I have the capacity to tender-love
anyone else but myself
unless I think I'm ready enough for that
or if I feel like it
(wow how selfish u are o k)
because I /need/ this ok
I need to sort myself out
(by distancing myself from emotions??
yeah ok)
I am not letting myself fall into the deep emotional end
(if that makes sense)
see, the furthest I am letting myself go is
over-enhanced rage towards petty annoyances
or other things of childish/immature qualities
and intense feelings for preoccupations that really don't matter
that and /only/ getting reaaally emotionally invested in things that are positive
so I will not have to extricate myself from ~convoluted~ feelings/imptthings/idkman if things get messed up in a bad way
that is to say, for example
if I really, really feel averse to being your friend
(dear god "being your friend" back to primary school now are we)
and you have no friend
I will not let myself feel bad enough
at the expense of my comfort & happiness
to go out of my way to alleviate that
(say, like I would have done like a year ago)
that is also to say, I will not care for you + will leave you to your (unfortunate) circumstances
(but whoever is reading this is probably not the "you" in here please don't feel a need to relate to this "you")
another example, yeah
happy & sad
that is it
that is all I will let myself be right now
why are you happy I did ok for my test
oh that is wonderful
why are you sad my cat's sick my brother called me mean names
I am so sorry you have to endure that things will be okay soon, friend, let me give you some simple advice to help you cope with those mundane-but-still-upsetting situations
why are you sad I am not sad I am distressed I feel mocked I am ashamed of myself my ego is in jeopardy it is disappointment in self that feels so, so weighty and I am crumbling under it i am sorry i do not get you am i suppposed to get something here this is too complex for me to understand and deal with sorry.
why are you happy I've had a revelation and epiphany I am not happy I am relieved I am insightful I am more introspective right now let me share it with you & I will be giving you blank stares and expressionless blinks
je suis désolée je ne te comprends plus.
yeah
so this is what I'm doing now
and I probably seem like I've gone backward
and like I've lost the sense of empathy
(no trust me
I still care for u friend
if u need some love hmu)
((oh my god I sound like some wild mix of erica+kelly stupidstagram gdi))
but ok
if that's what helps with my promos
(hah joke
self-acceptance is the most important thing of course
I need a way to tell myself that she is someone I love and am in love with first and foremost
like I'd put so much on the line for promos aha
um yeah at least that's what I think)
oh my god in re-reading this
I really do come across as a horrid person
um.
healthy(??) degree of narcissism?
???
?: )?
idk my friends have taken to calling me queen
which yeah
it's true
rn I don't quite give a matter to people around me
I am not going to make way for you
you are welcome to do that yourself
as of now I am going to do things for myself
maybe you can pray that things will right themselves soon enough.
Monday, July 8, 2013
fuck these petty bitches is a bitch motto
I think for the present the ~identity crisis~ has been put to a rest and I've been quite content with acknowledging the fact that I'm "eclectic & stuff" (hence my twitter bio mmhmm it's quintessentially me in 3 words hey).
For now I think maybe I can identify a couple major sides
perhaps for this purpose I'll take my tumblr as an example.
the tumblr blog itself: lovely things, sort of vintage if I had to give a label, gifs from period movies, things so pretty I may die.
manifestation of how I present myself, possibly.
light! fragile as a flower! detached! from reality kind of! delusional! etc!
((brings to mind some of my twitter qualities like how 70% of it is pink
which maybe is subconsciously "how I want to present myself" but idk how that would have come to be because I don't actually like pink that much so I s2g I don't know how my pencil case + my purse (I CALLED IT A PURSE!!! !!!!) + notebooks are pink like I DON'T KNOW.
and somehow I have a slight inner aversion to pink (hahhaha) because idk the way society works pink is such a gender-normative colour and then there's the infusion of misogyny in daily life sigh and yet?? idk maybe I think it's sad that I have to feel sad for maybe liking pink a tad bit.))
the actual tumblr dashboard: oh god miles and miles of one direction updates and gifs and oh my god.
hah I think this just reveals what my mind occupies itself with most times.
oh sheesh I don't know where this is going.
but there are hideously many facets to me (like there are to everyone else, I'm sure) that maybe I'm more intensely intrigued by/curious of than others.
(Presumably...I mean that's the vibe I get from others y'know. And some seem so one-dimensional idk if that's really them and how they are or not.
Also I cannot imagine people not talking to themselves when alone.)
Right, so anyway the identity crisis' out of the way which is all good but lately ~existentialism thoughts~ have cropped up.
in the sense that
I'm taking math..and why..this is for university admission??...which is what would wholly determine success!! ??...but why is success the destination of a one-track route?...'cause we're all going to die anyway my body the same one doing these sums would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
or
I'm climbing this fucking rock wall and keeping my body strong but we're all going to die anyway my body the same one exercising these muscles would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
you feel me.
These are highly simplified though; there're a million other sub-thoughts in between those.
I suspect that this existentialism thing has been fueled by the fact that I still don't know what to do with my life - what big decisions? to make at 17? to secure a life-long! job? how? do I make myself useful? in a society where you're either really exceptional or really average? - inducing a sort-of mid-life crisis - wtf am I doing with my life? - but hey, I'm a little too young to have a MID-LIFE crisis, aren't I.
(unless I AM at my mid-life point which I should stop there.)
And maybe that's something I'd have to work on, then, if I'd like to help things move along a little better.
Accept that this world is ordered chaos and idk.
Maybe take on Erica's "nihilistic humanism" approach of which I'm insanely fascinated by.
(no actually I'm just full-on fascinated by whatever opinions she has I'm obsessed with her ask.fm f uCK she's so cool omfg shit.)
But then again, I'd want to go through things myself, and formulate that final ~me~ package.
you feel me.
Experience a million things, don a million attitudes and/or philosophies till I may derive at a system that accurately ascertains how I carry myself for others and for me.
((The ~fated system~, whatever that means you decide I mean it's ur life.))
It's a little elusive right now, but I'll get there & find something that just works.
((Which is why I get mad pissed when I have exclusively me things ripped off I mean I shouldn't be mad pissed but :) x I took a long time to recognise as something that perfectly expresses myself whilst interacting with the general public and it might be trivial, but it's not because! :) x is genuinely me and it's one thing in my life that just works and it's comfort for me because that's one thing I have to worry less about my identity right.
and you rip that off of me when never in my life I've seen you use that or present yourself with an attitude that ordains the use of :) x LIKE IN THE EXACT SAME FORMAT TOO FFS STOP.
and yes this really is what'd made me feel violated one night on twitter don't laugh this is real life.))
Yeah well, so there's that.
For now I think maybe I can identify a couple major sides
perhaps for this purpose I'll take my tumblr as an example.
the tumblr blog itself: lovely things, sort of vintage if I had to give a label, gifs from period movies, things so pretty I may die.
manifestation of how I present myself, possibly.
light! fragile as a flower! detached! from reality kind of! delusional! etc!
((brings to mind some of my twitter qualities like how 70% of it is pink
which maybe is subconsciously "how I want to present myself" but idk how that would have come to be because I don't actually like pink that much so I s2g I don't know how my pencil case + my purse (I CALLED IT A PURSE!!! !!!!) + notebooks are pink like I DON'T KNOW.
and somehow I have a slight inner aversion to pink (hahhaha) because idk the way society works pink is such a gender-normative colour and then there's the infusion of misogyny in daily life sigh and yet?? idk maybe I think it's sad that I have to feel sad for maybe liking pink a tad bit.))
the actual tumblr dashboard: oh god miles and miles of one direction updates and gifs and oh my god.
hah I think this just reveals what my mind occupies itself with most times.
oh sheesh I don't know where this is going.
but there are hideously many facets to me (like there are to everyone else, I'm sure) that maybe I'm more intensely intrigued by/curious of than others.
(Presumably...I mean that's the vibe I get from others y'know. And some seem so one-dimensional idk if that's really them and how they are or not.
Also I cannot imagine people not talking to themselves when alone.)
Right, so anyway the identity crisis' out of the way which is all good but lately ~existentialism thoughts~ have cropped up.
in the sense that
I'm taking math..and why..this is for university admission??...which is what would wholly determine success!! ??...but why is success the destination of a one-track route?...'cause we're all going to die anyway my body the same one doing these sums would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
or
I'm climbing this fucking rock wall and keeping my body strong but we're all going to die anyway my body the same one exercising these muscles would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
you feel me.
These are highly simplified though; there're a million other sub-thoughts in between those.
I suspect that this existentialism thing has been fueled by the fact that I still don't know what to do with my life - what big decisions? to make at 17? to secure a life-long! job? how? do I make myself useful? in a society where you're either really exceptional or really average? - inducing a sort-of mid-life crisis - wtf am I doing with my life? - but hey, I'm a little too young to have a MID-LIFE crisis, aren't I.
(unless I AM at my mid-life point which I should stop there.)
And maybe that's something I'd have to work on, then, if I'd like to help things move along a little better.
Accept that this world is ordered chaos and idk.
Maybe take on Erica's "nihilistic humanism" approach of which I'm insanely fascinated by.
(no actually I'm just full-on fascinated by whatever opinions she has I'm obsessed with her ask.fm f uCK she's so cool omfg shit.)
But then again, I'd want to go through things myself, and formulate that final ~me~ package.
you feel me.
Experience a million things, don a million attitudes and/or philosophies till I may derive at a system that accurately ascertains how I carry myself for others and for me.
((The ~fated system~, whatever that means you decide I mean it's ur life.))
It's a little elusive right now, but I'll get there & find something that just works.
((Which is why I get mad pissed when I have exclusively me things ripped off I mean I shouldn't be mad pissed but :) x I took a long time to recognise as something that perfectly expresses myself whilst interacting with the general public and it might be trivial, but it's not because! :) x is genuinely me and it's one thing in my life that just works and it's comfort for me because that's one thing I have to worry less about my identity right.
and you rip that off of me when never in my life I've seen you use that or present yourself with an attitude that ordains the use of :) x LIKE IN THE EXACT SAME FORMAT TOO FFS STOP.
and yes this really is what'd made me feel violated one night on twitter don't laugh this is real life.))
Yeah well, so there's that.
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