forbidden little kiss

(this might get a little messy and all-over-the-place)

I think lately life has been good.

It wasn't just yesterday

(yesterday was brilliant
thank you)

but in general.

everything.

I mean I may be struggling a lot a little with econs schoolwork

but I'm happy.

and this is good because it means my

self-esteem

social life

suspected social anxiety

and everything else in between

is in check.

It feels really good it feels amazing to be happy.

And it's funny because last year I was sad a lot and it wasn't fun and I didn't realise that

self-empowerment begins with yourself

and this year when the circumstances have changed and the world revealed things to me

well idk what else to say?

everything's gone uphill

I've identified things that don't make me feel good at all

I've eradicated them from my life

and here I am.

I'm surrounding myself with relatively happy people who get me who make me feel good about myself who make me do the release-your-inhibitions thing.

because I realised that that was what I needed you feel me.

right now I can't deal with sadsadsad it drags me down it confuses me it makes me feel icky about myself.

and walking away from that feels good because it feels like I'm finally respecting myself.

I mean yes, I get sad sometimes but I think I am dealing with it well this time round.

(no more self-harm

psychologically & physically)

((oh my god this is just a terrible post but I feel like talking about it so much???))

just acceptance that this is a Normal Part of Quotidian Life and that it will help me continually progress and grow as a human being.

It's great to rely on myself for happiness and love.

People won't ever fulfill /your/ expectations

and if you don't do good things for yourself

no one else will.

It's important & necessary sometimes to have hyperbolic self-importance

(not too much too often though, that would be excessive narcissism?).

It assuages any doubts you have of yourself and it's also very lovely.

no crap what if everyone hates me I don't wanna walk through this crowded-ass canteen anymore

hey there, don't be silly, you're good enough, you're kind and pretty and lovely and you have friends around you who love you too you are fine everyone else is nothing compared to you you are queen.

what if my friends secretly hate me

why /would/ they secretly hate you

?

I think one of the best things that's happened to me is my self-esteem being decent enough to let me allow myself to accept that

!!I might maybe possibly have a crush on someone!!

it's big because for the longest time ever like for a few years ok

I've never let myself feel good enough for anyone else

(hence all the self-deprecation god it was terrible don't remind me about it)

but two days ago I decided that I already love myself enough to potentially like another person

(oh my god but I'm gonna cry bc he's so cute and clever and cute i hate myself no i dont mena that i love myself just his cuteness im gona like explode or somethn ya)

and ok

I mean it's a crush so that is all.

I think I'm rational enough to handle it okay.

and if he doesn't like me back then it is okay lol.

Another thing that makes me ridiculously happy

is that I now have means of discussing sexuality with no qualms at all.

it's something I needed a lot because growing up and all

but all my life I thought it was a despicable taboo thing to talk about seriously

so I didn't and it was frustrating

but then my paternal cousins???

oh my god??

it feels so good bc sexuality in a relevant context (that is to say the singaporean-malay-muslim-girl context)

and yeah??

it is a beautiful wondrous thing

it helps me understand a lot of things a lot more

and they are great conversationalists and there is never a moment of silence

(and it's hideous that I'll be missing out on seeing them tomorrow gdi)

so I'm happy.

I am very contented and this starts my 18th year beautifully.