they say what goes up
must come down
but don't let me fall
I don't /think/ I've quite been myself lately
(but this may lead only to questions going
what am i
how do i define myself
what constitutes self
so I will not let it matter for now)
and I don't quite know why..?
(but maybe it is better to say that I feel different than I was before
and that some part of me has /changed/)
all I know is right now
I cannot bring myself to nurse emotions
(by that I mean those of others).
I have this great huge feeling that this!
is all because of what'd been happening for the three or four months
but that's presently all over and done with
and now
right now
I am channeling all feelings to myself
putting me first in a lot of things
making sure I actually care for myself
physically, emotionally
(self-aggrandising, if you may
because most times I find me telling myself
you're more important than anyone else around here)
self-love before attempts to love anyone else
I suppose
maybe it's a bad thing, maybe not
but right now I don't think I have the capacity to tender-love
anyone else but myself
unless I think I'm ready enough for that
or if I feel like it
(wow how selfish u are o k)
because I /need/ this ok
I need to sort myself out
(by distancing myself from emotions??
yeah ok)
I am not letting myself fall into the deep emotional end
(if that makes sense)
see, the furthest I am letting myself go is
over-enhanced rage towards petty annoyances
or other things of childish/immature qualities
and intense feelings for preoccupations that really don't matter
that and /only/ getting reaaally emotionally invested in things that are positive
so I will not have to extricate myself from ~convoluted~ feelings/imptthings/idkman if things get messed up in a bad way
that is to say, for example
if I really, really feel averse to being your friend
(dear god "being your friend" back to primary school now are we)
and you have no friend
I will not let myself feel bad enough
at the expense of my comfort & happiness
to go out of my way to alleviate that
(say, like I would have done like a year ago)
that is also to say, I will not care for you + will leave you to your (unfortunate) circumstances
(but whoever is reading this is probably not the "you" in here please don't feel a need to relate to this "you")
another example, yeah
happy & sad
that is it
that is all I will let myself be right now
why are you happy I did ok for my test
oh that is wonderful
why are you sad my cat's sick my brother called me mean names
I am so sorry you have to endure that things will be okay soon, friend, let me give you some simple advice to help you cope with those mundane-but-still-upsetting situations
why are you sad I am not sad I am distressed I feel mocked I am ashamed of myself my ego is in jeopardy it is disappointment in self that feels so, so weighty and I am crumbling under it i am sorry i do not get you am i suppposed to get something here this is too complex for me to understand and deal with sorry.
why are you happy I've had a revelation and epiphany I am not happy I am relieved I am insightful I am more introspective right now let me share it with you & I will be giving you blank stares and expressionless blinks
je suis désolée je ne te comprends plus.
yeah
so this is what I'm doing now
and I probably seem like I've gone backward
and like I've lost the sense of empathy
(no trust me
I still care for u friend
if u need some love hmu)
((oh my god I sound like some wild mix of erica+kelly stupidstagram gdi))
but ok
if that's what helps with my promos
(hah joke
self-acceptance is the most important thing of course
I need a way to tell myself that she is someone I love and am in love with first and foremost
like I'd put so much on the line for promos aha
um yeah at least that's what I think)
oh my god in re-reading this
I really do come across as a horrid person
um.
healthy(??) degree of narcissism?
???
?: )?
idk my friends have taken to calling me queen
which yeah
it's true
rn I don't quite give a matter to people around me
I am not going to make way for you
you are welcome to do that yourself
as of now I am going to do things for myself
maybe you can pray that things will right themselves soon enough.
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