heaven can't help me now

oh my goodness this place has been so sad and desolate but hey ! here I am now.

i realised i haven't really updated this blog much (not at all ha), and it's still fairly in the dark wrt my recent state of affairs.

well, blog, if you must know, i've finished with my A levels and i've already sent in a couple uni applications (the me of secondary school days would've been absolutely astounded knowing this; A levels??? uni???? work?????? UNI??????????). 

by now, i already have about 4 months of work experience at the airport & good god, i feel like i've emerged so much better as a person.

it was a wild experience and so many things happened, but it was one of the best decisions i've made for myself.
really, i am just here to write of how...changed...i feel, after four whole months of workity work.
(hold on tight this is all gonna be v messy and delirious-sounding.)

i'm just so proud of myself.
in the 4 months of salesperson-ing (at a goddamn Pandora store, no less) i gained so much experience.
i've become more open, better at dealing with people, at being more persuasive/assertive, more cool-headed, more adept at multi-tasking under stress; i've come to trust and put actual value in myself.
seemingly trivial things like customers asking me for my opinion, for example.
mere months ago i would've been highly doubtful about the accuracy of my judgement, too preoccupied thinking what if i'm wrong and problems happen bc of me. 
now it's a complete turnaround.
i am honestly amazed at myself, being able to answer questions with conviction and persuasion.
and i'm so ace at phone calls now??!?!?!???!?? 13 year old me would've been terrified.
heck, 18 year old me in dec '14 had marvelled at a friend's effortless ability to make phone calls to a goddamn pizza place - sweetheart did you know by now you've handled countless phone calls involving hysterical enraged customers, or help centres which you had to contact bc hey, the POS machine's suddenly acting up and you need to see that this is rectified asap and you're alone so you're in charge.

i was truly so successful at work it feels fucking amazing.
i'm thinking of how i completely 120%ed my sales target in february (>$75k in sales that's me) + being trusted with the shop key + p much caring for the store on my own (!!!!!!!!!) + all the pleased customers i've served (the best & most satisfying part tbh) etc etc etc the list is endless and recognising how good i was at my job feels glorious.
not to say i made 0 mistakes, which, i did, and oh boy did i make mistakes.
things like carelessness and silly panic that tripped me up and resulted in stupid things like items being left behind, undercharging customers...STUPID THINGS.
but i got up and learnt and improved.
and it was so incredible to realise, with each passing day, all the things i was actually capable of doing.
(oh my god i can open the store, i can handle an endless 7-hour stream of customers, and i can actually do the aforementioned alone)

okay the past few paragraphs have been so me-centric but i assure you my working environment was always ever so pleasant.
my coworkers were so great and easy to talk to and kind and accommodating and i am so fond of them???
i could've never achieved anything without their help.
god, i miss them so much.
(rave and his salesperson tips, his calling everyone "sister", his generous treats.
narmin and her bunny talk, her honeyed voice, her motherly ways.
polly and her easygoing manner.
emilie and her knowing-what-she-want-and-being-assertive-about-its.
etc.
etc.
etc.)

i love working at the airport, i do, i do!

there is a saying here that once you work at the airport, you'll never want to work anywhere else.

tbh....true.

it's so entrapping that place, and not in a bad way at all.

i adore the dynamic environment, the unusual waking hours, how you never see the same person twice, the traveller stories, the exclusivity of being able to enter the "restricted" transit area with a special pass, the being part of the Best Airport In The World, etc.... it's all so....... ♡~♡

i feel so blessed.

thank you, god, for letting such a good thing come my way.

i fully enjoyed what i did; took the good and the bad in stride.
this is truly such a big moment of pride for me.

tl;dr. I'm *amazed* at myself. I've accomplished things that I, with all my shyness and introversion, had never ever thought I could.

on my last day, my manager had asked me if i was looking so happy because it was my last day.
i hope she knows that i was/am happy because i had felt truly content - the experience was so, so satisfying, and i couldn't have asked for anything better.

wear your heart on your cheek

okay SO at first I was gonna say the usual "don't read this it's probably going to be exTREMEly long and it's about one direction" BUT
I decided no for this because this is important
and really I mean it

right so today I was just doing my thing
(my "thing" constitutes of going on tumblr and twitter and thinking about harry&louis if you haven't noticed um)
and I started thinking a lot a lot about one direction
and how
it is something that is really, really important in my life
and I thought so much I started making a pretend video
you know
the ones where people just talk into the camera
but me I talked into the room mainly
so anyway
I just..wow.

firstly you must know I am not a 
"directioner"
"larry shipper" 
(yeah I'm past that now)
and if you call me any of that
u r dead
because yes, I think harry and louis are in an actual relationship
and this isn't merely a "ship" because in my opinion it is an actual, real thing
(from what I've consolidated after seeing, reading, analysing things with some logic
and "ship" connotates a fictional quality about them and huny there is nothing unreal about the way harry and louis act)
so I've taken to referring to them by harry&louis, and addressing it as if I were talking about an actual romantic relationship between two real people
and I feel like saying that I "ship" them kind of strips away a bit the respect this relationship deserves.
(because yes, sometimes we forget that there are real human emotions of real life people involved within this relationship that shouldn't be played around for entertainment if we are to, you know, bring this up in a real-world situation)
and also I am not a "directioner" because I just don't want to be identified with them "directioners"
I'm not going to attempt to explain it it just doesn't sit well with me
you can leave it at "one direction fan" and I think that's the furthest I can go.
right, so that is out of the way.

basically
understanding the nature of their relationship 
has helped me understand even better the world/society I live in
they are two not-heterosexual men in an extremely internationally-successful pop boyband, and they happen to be in love with each other
then you take into account the fact that majority of the world is still largely homophobic or at the very least very against the whole idea of unstraightness
and the fact that one direction was created to be a goldmine, to bring in loads and loads of cash
and there you go
you start to learn about heteronormativity
and the (glass) closet the boys are forced into
and capitalism, in a way
(how their attainability ordains their success, basically
because their target audience are teenage girls, mainly
and these people are the ones who enable them to earn the amount of money they do
so if not one, but two!! members are not-straight then how the heck are the girls in love with said boys supposed to be as emotionally invested, right?
think of the backlash if one direction doesn't turn out to be the wholesome boyband it is projected to be wow!)

and through one direction's zayn malik
who is the only non-white member so
discrimination issues surface
because zayn is you know muslim and all
and he is faced with so many taunts because of religion
and then there are those who find him not living up to his religion good enough
and zayn has to face all this while juggling fame
and it's important!
and yet it isn't addressed in the movie
while it could have been to bring some depth into it!

and then there's the whole media fiasco
the
appearance vs reality
"reality tv" vs reality
what is real what is not?
print media? filmed interviews where things actually come out their mouths?
what is the agenda here?
the extent that media shoves ideas like "womaniser harry styles" into the minds of the public masses is ridiculous
(did you know on two different occasions they were passing off lou teasdale his married!! stylist and gemma styles his sister!!!! as harry's "new mystery girl" these were /headlines/ on published press let us mull over this for a moment yes thank you

that's...gemma styles??? sister of harry styles??????
am not gonna bother finding the printed news article of lou and harry at the casino
just trust me somewhere on this planet it exists
science is amazin g)
the fact that louis' supposed girlfriend is brought up as much as possible is also fishy as fuck.
(too many incidences if I start I won't stop just trust me on this one they bring her up even when it is highly unnecessary)
they are just pushing louis' heterosexuality so, so hard
and you start to wonder why
hey, is there something they are trying to cover up?
is there something really, really urgent being hidden?
something that carries repercussions so, so heavy the band will be affected oh wait

(I am going to digress a little but
Louis Tomlinson and Louis_Tomlinson are two different people totally
eg. sensitive-to-queer-fans louis vs online-homophobic-bastard louis
"oh, that one's not a lady!" vs "larry is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard"

vs

it just doesn't match up, ok.
once more, real louis vs online persona/twitter louis - who to believe?
how convenient it is to have the second louis be the one more discernible on a very elevated social media platform also.)

(you learn body language
you compare the boys' intuitive reactions
with what they are trying to deny
"oh, but haven't you kissed?" *looong pause, quickly put-together scandalised expression* "...NO!"
"me and harry are just really close" *harry's foot searches louis' under the tables*

not even making this up)

(and the best song ever mv
portrays one direction to be in control
shows them trashing up the studios and going against the executives and their managers and superiors
also harry to be the one taking lead and interacting most with veronica, once again pushing the "harry is leader of the band/harry and his back-up singers" and "womaniser harry styles" images
but is this really, really the case?
does the band really have a say in how they are marketed?
what purpose does the video hope to fulfill at this point?)

so you see
it helps me become by and by more analytical and less prone to passively accepting what is being forced into me left right center
and I'd be damned if this isn't a crucial thing to learn
in this period where pop culture is so prevalent and pervasive
and little kids are just
oh yeah
louis & eleanor are in love ya xxx
I want a relationship just like theirs :) x
they start to emulate them and it's all wrong it's all not right
(having your gf credited for your performance on the football pitch
for your singing
for your well-being
isn't healthy.
this

isn't healthy.
what the heck @JohannahDarling
good job on the PR stuntin')
tbh if you look into louis and eleanor's 'relationship' deep enough
there is nothing healthy about it at all, really.
they don't know anything and
all this blind following is just harsh and it pains me kind of
just
ugh
I get so, so frustrated and wow.
one direction are made out to be these superficial airheads in pop culture but there's so much more to them and no one knows because no one thinks twice when everything is so available and definitely credible tabloids and twitter updates provide all there is to know about one direction.

they don't understand there is so much to learn from them, and this is what sucks a lot.
sometimes I get teased a bit for liking one direction but they don't understand that one direction teaches you a lot
not directly, of course, but
if you put yourself in the proper company
(tumblr users
lapelosa
stupidstagram
thisismyoneluckyprize
poparoll
homeiswithlarry
who are mostly people who are either grown adults, not-heterosexual or both
so yeah, pretty sure they'd have some sound judgement on all this)
and you learn so, so much it is astounding
I am in awe at how much I've begun to comprehend about
sexuality
gender norms
gender identities
feminism, even
(which prevails when you start considering
fan culture
eg. "crazy one direction girls" vs "avid football fans"
voilà misogyny and sexism at work once again)
and then you start applying all this in your daily life and wow
how fucked up society is
( I hate using the word "society" but yeah, it is quite a wrecked thing to an extent.)

and so I am not lying or exaggerating when I say I owe one direction
a lot
because I do
I do owe them, in a way
without them I would've never been exposed to all these
these being things I think every one should delve into
because they carry so much immediate real-life implications

I'd have no problem shipping two m/m fictional characters
(Supernatural Destiel, anyone?)
but it just, I think, /won't/ develop my social-consciousness as well as comprehending louis&harry's situation would
because, once again, the immediate real-life implications one direction offer are incredible.

so yes, one direction really is important in my life.
and not because they tell me that not knowing that I am beautiful is what makes me beautiful
(oh harry once made a lyric change
"you still have to squeeze into your jeans AND you're perfect to me"
not "but", he used "and"
and that makes a hella difference harry is actually really clever and aware fight me on this.)
which are honestly problematic imo
because
oh yeah, you need boys to come and save you to tell you you're pretty
because all girls have internalised insecurities about themselves
just NO. THESE ARE NOT OK MESSAGES. NO.
YOU DON'T NEED BOYS TO COME SAVE YOU 
YOU DON'T NEED THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PHYSICAL LOOKS TO FEEL VALIDATED STUPID MESSAGE STUPID /STUPID/ MESSAGE.
but anyway!
one direction is important in my life because it helps me understand it
without them I don't think I could have opened my eyes well enough to see what is happening around me
and people have to understand that one direction is my own means of understanding myself and the world I live in.
and it's done a damn good job of it.
and right now I am not chiding myself for loving one direction, am I?

also I get to watch them being cute and I get to cry and sob and
I get to read beautiful fics
and watch again all five boys acting in really touching homoerotic ways
and they are all so beautiful
and stupid and cute and endearingly idiotic
and the songs are cool and catchy and just so pick-me-uppy even if problematic
and I make myself happy while learning god damn why aren't we analysing one direction in school school would be sO MUCH FUN IF WE DID.

basically the great thing about one direction is
it can either be another puppet of the music industry for mindless brainwashing by pop cult-ure
or
it can be a way for younger audiences to be exposed to all the issues I mentioned, and more, even.
because yeah they are relevant in so, so, so many ways.

right so there you go
this is why one direction is important in my life
my thoughts were muddled and mixed and convoluted but
you gET IT

this is definitely not the end of it, I'm not gonna lie.
I can go on for hours about one direction and this is really a very diluted version.
literally hours and days.

so uh hm.
this has been a lengthy, genuine one direction appreciation post.
(also I use "understand" too much in this I'm sorry.)

fuck these petty bitches is a bitch motto

I think for the present the ~identity crisis~ has been put to a rest and I've been quite content with acknowledging the fact that I'm "eclectic & stuff" (hence my twitter bio mmhmm it's quintessentially me in 3 words hey).
For now I think maybe I can identify a couple major sides 
perhaps for this purpose I'll take my tumblr as an example.
the tumblr blog itself: lovely things, sort of vintage if I had to give a label, gifs from period movies, things so pretty I may die.
manifestation of how I present myself, possibly.
light! fragile as a flower! detached! from reality kind of! delusional! etc!
((brings to mind some of my twitter qualities like how 70% of it is pink
which maybe is subconsciously "how I want to present myself" but idk how that would have come to be because I don't actually like pink that much so I s2g I don't know how my pencil case + my purse (I CALLED IT A PURSE!!! !!!!) + notebooks are pink like I DON'T KNOW.
and somehow I have a slight inner aversion to pink (hahhaha) because idk the way society works pink is such a gender-normative colour and then there's the infusion of misogyny in daily life sigh and yet?? idk maybe I think it's sad that I have to feel sad for maybe liking pink a tad bit.))
the actual tumblr dashboard: oh god miles and miles of one direction updates and gifs and oh my god.
hah I think this just reveals what my mind occupies itself with most times.
oh sheesh I don't know where this is going.
but there are hideously many facets to me (like there are to everyone else, I'm sure) that maybe I'm more intensely intrigued by/curious of than others.
(Presumably...I mean that's the vibe I get from others y'know. And some seem so one-dimensional idk if that's really them and how they are or not.
Also I cannot imagine people not talking to themselves when alone.)

Right, so anyway the identity crisis' out of the way which is all good but lately ~existentialism thoughts~ have cropped up.
in the sense that
I'm taking math..and why..this is for university admission??...which is what would wholly determine success!! ??...but why is success the destination of a one-track route?...'cause we're all going to die anyway my body the same one doing these sums would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
or
I'm climbing this fucking rock wall and keeping my body strong but we're all going to die anyway my body the same one exercising these muscles would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
you feel me.
These are highly simplified though; there're a million other sub-thoughts in between those.
I suspect that this existentialism thing has been fueled by the fact that I still don't know what to do with my life - what big decisions? to make at 17? to secure a life-long! job? how? do I make myself useful? in a society where you're either really exceptional or really average? - inducing a sort-of mid-life crisis - wtf am I doing with my life? - but hey, I'm a little too young to have a MID-LIFE crisis, aren't I.
(unless I AM at my mid-life point which I should stop there.)
And maybe that's something I'd have to work on, then, if I'd like to help things move along a little better.
Accept that this world is ordered chaos and idk.
Maybe take on Erica's "nihilistic humanism" approach of which I'm insanely fascinated by.
(no actually I'm just full-on fascinated by whatever opinions she has I'm obsessed with her ask.fm f uCK she's so cool omfg shit.)
But then again, I'd want to go through things myself, and formulate that final ~me~ package.
you feel me. 
Experience a million things, don a million attitudes and/or philosophies till I may derive at a system that accurately ascertains how I carry myself for others and for me.
((The ~fated system~, whatever that means you decide I mean it's ur life.))
It's a little elusive right now, but I'll get there & find something that just works.
((Which is why I get mad pissed when I have exclusively me things ripped off I mean I shouldn't be mad pissed but :) x I took a long time to recognise as something that perfectly expresses myself whilst interacting with the general public and it might be trivial, but it's not because! :) x is genuinely me and it's one thing in my life that just works and it's comfort for me because that's one thing I have to worry less about my identity right.
and you rip that off of me when never in my life I've seen you use that or present yourself with an attitude that ordains the use of :) x LIKE IN THE EXACT SAME FORMAT TOO FFS STOP.
and yes this really is what'd made me feel violated one night on twitter don't laugh this is real life.))

Yeah well, so there's that.

this is the best song ever made in the world

(Oh yes they really are going this low.)
See, I think the problem going with this stance is that now in this massive equation this dude's (ngl idek who he is ok prob someone ~impt!~ in america's state of affairs idk) bringing in inanimate, lifeless, emotionless, unfeeling objects and/or beings that do not have the same emotional or mental (???) capacity as humans do.
And that all these things are in need of human rights?
Which is wrong??
Like which part of "HUMAN rights" do you not get???
??????
The thing is that what is being denied of some people (only because of sexual orientation okay) are things like housing assistance and property inheritance and custody rights to a child etc like no not fair where is the justice.
BUT SINCE DOMA AND PROP8 HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN I SHOULD BE USING "WAS" WHOOPEE.
And I think this statement is tainting the whole marriage concept.
Marriage is commitment to another person for the rest of one's life, with the foundation of love! and mutual respect! and responsibility! amidst! other! essential! values! needed! in a strong! and! healthy! lifelong! relationship!
He just compared marriage equality among people to be the same as marriage to objects.
Obvs people who devote their lives to ice-cream and dogs (in a romantic way and all) will require some sort of help because there is nothing healthy about committing yourself to things/animals that can never reciprocate human feelings ya feel me.

Like wow I really don't get this argument.
So you're gonna send that melted ice-cream to the A&E for some 10th degree burn?
And have all the other cones in the box visit it with your granted familial visitation rights????
Because apparently they now need all those too?????
??????????????

choose your last words

Sometimes when I see the number of views increase and it isn't me I laugh because hey there so did I manage to entertain you with some stupid things woah there 12 views on the killjoy post do you like the gifs or idk I wish I could see your reactions to what I write sometimes that would be funny because sometimes I write nice stuff other times I write terrible things other other times it's weird like the one below this but why not you know because it's true and all and anyway how are you today I hope you've had a great day I pray that you'll have a great week June hols coming soon huh yeah but it isn't /really/ a holiday isn't it it sure isn't one for me I mean I'll be away for 2 whole weeks and the remaining 2 will be so busy I have so much to do it's ridiculous what about you well idk I hope you find some repose or something then yeah well good luck with that in the meantime look out for more dumb things on this blog but I really have some good points sometimes I have to say because it's true like the one direction ones I get really weirdly proud of them because that's what I call sad reality like everything around us because it's sad one direction is in a tough place hey speaking about one direction guess what they've sold out stadium tours scheduled in 2014 for an album not even released yet in 6 minutes yeah that's right /6/ wow I am so proud of them my pretty babies who never thought they'd make it this far but look I mean just /look/ just wow I am so proud of them no lie 3 years is all it takes and they're living their dream even with the sad things going on in their life I guess in a way so idk I'm hopelessly proud of them honest to god yeah well that's it for now keep doing your thing you awesome person and remember to be nice even when it's hard to be nice because you must remember that not everyone works the way you do ok? so you must never forget that and if you need anyone to talk to you can talk to me and stuff I mean I won't promise to give you brilliant advice but I'll try to understand you because I need to learn how to understand people too and all and remember to sleep early and focus in class because we're not learning rudimentary things anymore we /must/ concentrate and be good ok? also remember to not be judgemental because that is just horrid and now you are ready to face the world not really true I guess but hey we can all dream right?

sometimes's love (though sometimes I'd say "life" because) is not enough
and the road gets tough
i don't know why.

all out of faith

You don't have to read this & I would've put in a Read More break if it actually existed on blogger, but it would be lovely if you did and see how deluded people can really get and shared my sentiments and/or try to console me because I am a furious mess right now.
It involves Louis & Harry's relationship, the fandom and (of fucking course) the press.

No I am SO mad rn.
This post isn't supposed to happen but where the fuck else can I do this.


The Daily Dot: One Direction fandom adds billionaire record exec to conspiracy theory

The Internet is a breeding ground for conspiracy theories—9/11 truthers, moon landing denialists, people who believe that the world is secretly ruled by an elite caste of reptiloid aliens hidden inside human flesh-suits. But for a true connoisseur, One Direction fandom provides some of the best conspiracy theories around. 

While plenty of Directioners are as reasonable as the next pop fan, some are embroiled in a cultlike belief in “Larry Stylinson”: a secret relationship between singers Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles. With many fans convinced that the band’s homophobic “Management” are forcing “Larry” into the closet, the lack of hard evidence for the relationship only proves the effectiveness of the cover-up. Never mind the fact that Tomlinson has called Larry theories “bullshit,” and Management are seemingly unconcerned about any rumours inspired by Styles’ close friendship with gay DJ Nick Grimshaw. 

As 1D conspiracy theories go, this one isn’t wholly implausible. There’s nothing to say that Clive Calder isn’t Eleanor’s father—it just doesn’t have anything to do with Larry Stylinson. If “Management” felt the need to hire a fake girlfriend for Louis Tomlinson, why would they pick the teenaged daughter of a recording executive with such a distant, tangential attachment to the band’s own record label? (Jive is a now-defunct subsidiary of Sony, 1D's label.) And what’s Eleanor getting out of this? Not money, if her father is already a billionaire. And not fame, because she and Louis are a very private couple—particularly when compared to Harry Styles’ regular appearances in the tabloids. We like the idea that the whole thing might actually be the other way round: Eleanor Calder, billionaire heiress, using her father’s money to hire famous boyband star Louis Tomlinson to be her boyfriend. 

If the popularity of the Clive Calder post proves anything, it’s that there are few things more intimidating than a 1D fan with a mission. Using the kind of obsessive detective work usually reserved for professional background checks, Larry Believers have systematically investigated a middle-aged man and his son in the hopes that it'll yield some gay conspiracy “evidence” to forward their cause. 

As Tumblr user freekicks put it, “If we told the 1D shippers that a man named jimmy hoffa had proof larry stylinson was real, they'd have his body found and dug up in 45 minutes, tops.”

I've deleted a huge bulk of their bullshit.

There's a lot of things wrong with this article.

1) You're a journalist.
I am so glad you have your ability to write in a non-biased manner - albeit on the topic of pop culture, on a site meant for pop culture - in check.
It makes you so credible.

2) You actually took the time to try to disprove the fact that there is something fishy going on behind the scenes where the use of common sense in interpreting what is happening in this stupid-ass band can and will point otherwise.
What the fuck, journalist dearest, do your fucking homework - I suggest taking notes from the shippers.
We certainly do ours; our beliefs aren't fucking unfounded.

3) "embroiled in a cultlike belief" Well excuse the fuck outta me if larry shippers are merely reading the signs that are nuclear-radiating from these two, who are banging so hard on the insides of the closet door made of crystal fucking glass.

4) You, as a means of communication to the mass public, did not have to throw shade on the girls trying to shed light on the truth.
Shame on you.

5)
With many fans convinced that the band’s homophobic “Management” are forcing “Larry” into the closet, the lack of hard evidence for the relationship only proves the effectiveness of the cover-up. Never mind the fact that Tomlinson has called Larry theories “bullshit,” and Management are seemingly unconcerned about any rumours inspired by Styles’ close friendship with gay DJ Nick Grimshaw. 


I'm going to have to correct you on this.
- Modest! isn't explicitly homophobic; they work on the fact that much of the world is
- Larry's forced into the closet to create this "straight & attainable" image of all the boys
- Larry's forced into the closet?? Fuck yes, else explain the stark lack of photos/news of Harry and Louis ever hanging out together by themselves, as compared to the bountiful paps of other pairings.
The need for Harry to ask for permission to shake Louis' hands on stage, whilst able to freely embrace his other band mates whenever, whereever.
- Lack of hard evidence are you fucking kidding me. wellington/matching tattoos/mysterious lovebites when 1d are on tour/multiple outings by close friends aka ed and nick grimshaw/matching fucking tattoos really.
- Louis Tomlinson does not think Larry is "bullshit", @Louis_Tomlinson does
- Harry & Nick are friends, of course Gryles rumours won't threaten Modest! - there isn't an actual risk of them being together, why would they care. Modest! does nothing to suppress Nosh (Niall & Josh their drummer) shippers either (and Josh actually tweets it so blatantly). This is because Nosh is not an actual relationship; it is not an actual obstacle to Modest!'s money-making plots. Nosh wouldn't ruin One Direction's image like Larry probably would if they came out (4/5 of a band taken, 2/5 of the band gay & off-limits to girls forever, just imagine that)

" she and Louis are a very private couple"
Excuse you.
If there's two things that don't mix I'm pretty darn sure it would be "Elounor" and "private".
Have you actually seen Eleanor's twitter.
Just how many ads/promotions is she making.
Remember that time Louis & Eleanor took a picture in matching coca-cola PJs and posted it on instagram, but the pictures got deleted after modest! broke contract with that company, and now have one with pepsi instead.
Remember those many many many times they talked about Yorkshire Tea on twitter.
Remember Topshop.
Remember Starbucks.
Remember how they are always pap-ed, even in the French airport where pap-ing is absolutely forbidden by law.
(Meaning the paps knew they were there and were given permission to snap photos of them.
Meaning the whole outing was planned by management.)
Publicity.
Endorsements.
Contracts & deals.
That's what Elounor is.

If you think I'm treating One Direction like it is a conspiracy theory, that's because it is one.
Learn to never believe all that you read.
If I tried explaining the whole of One Direction it would take me days and literal hundreds of entries.
(The Reasons Why Larry Stylinson is Real Masterpost took me days to read and several crashes to endure, but it was eye-opening, logical and worth it, though it still lacks some information, as detailed as it is.
That's how complicated One Direction is.)
One Direction is not what it is made out to be in the media, and the fact that so many out there are in denial of this is scary.

Of course I will write more about this in other future entries.
There's a lot under the 1D/Larry umbrella.
And this isn't even taking my feelings/emotions into consideration.
I am merely taking facts (unbiased facts) and making the most likely conclusions wherever they are due.

But my beliefs are unshaken.
If I get doubts...seriously.
Multiple pairs of matching tattoos ffs.
Sexual tension/innuendo is good enough to show these two aren't exactly dictionary-definition of "straight" either.
You don't get turned on by your best friend guys I'm just saying.

Okay I've burnt out and I'm going to sleep this agitation off.
I'm not supposed to be up till 1 in the morning writing about One Direction.

It's just really disconcerting how people think we are the delusional ones.
*waits patiently for Larry to come out*
*anticipates future bragging rights*

take a walk on the wild side

Am not gonna lie, I don't think I regret being a larry shipper or a one direction fan (not gonna say directioner because ugh).

Ever since December of '12, good things have been happening for me.

Here's another list.

1. Complete understanding that the music industry is an ugly place. (or complete enough, anyway.)

PR stunts, manipulations, the imposing of certain images on the boys for the sake of making big money.

"Haylor"'s too obvious on the PR STUNT list.

First 'date' at the very public Central Park in New York City accompanied by Harry's stylist and her family?

'Romance' (short-lived one, at that) starting right before 1D & Taylor Swift's world tours and around the time Taylor's new single would be released, the same single that could be manipulated enough to make it seem like it's about Harry?

Morning 'walk-of-shames' out the front door of Taylor's hotel when enough care can be taken to sneak Harry the least overt way possible (IF they were even sleeping together)?

Yeah, I call bullshit too.

Thank god they broke the contract/agreement.

The boys are marketed as this group of sweet, innocent baby-faced lads when hahaha no.

I still don't get why so much of their merch features their 2011 selves.

(We see what you're doing, modest!.)

That's not them, they're more than their monikers.

It's 2013, I think they've progressed enough from their fetus days.

And the truth is the boys aren't normal people; they aren't your "typical boys-next-door"; they're not "attainable".

But that's what the media/management wants you to think.

That's how they milk every penny they can from these boys - by tapping on the very desires of screaming teenage fangirls with wedding fancies, on that maybe-just-maybe-he'd-fall-in-love-with-a-fan hope.

And you know what would shatter this image of attainability, therefore reducing this crazed interest in the boyband?
If one of them was gay.

(Lbr we can safely say there's two of them.)

I just really don't like their management, yeah?

2. I haven't been any gay-er ever since Larry.

No, m'not gay.

It's just I've never been more supportive of equal rights ever.

I don't know, it's just.

Tumblr has made me so much more open to all this.

Yeah, thanks for showing me that love sees past gender.

3. You're part of a big damn community.

Do you want to know how many people believe in larry?
Based on a poll, uh, more than 14, 000, 000.

Yeah, that's right.

Fourteen million.

Among whom are people who've been married for twenty years and women who've raised children so I think they'd know pretty damn well what love might look like.

So if you know Larry's real we're friends without question.

4. Acquaintance with so much more good music.

Is that ironic or.

Being part of the 1D fandom's opened doors to amazing music, not gonna lie.

It's funny because the boys' music tastes are definitely not what constitutes the music on their albums.

And One Direction fans are really indie music fans who have no idea what they're doing here.

Well anyway.

I got the xx from a larry post someone made.

And with words unspoken

A silent devotion

And like hey I love this song what's the group called oh the xx let's listen to a couple other songs they have on youtube and then bam!.

And Frank Ocean.

I knew his song Thinking About You, and I l o v e d it but not much else, and then ocean sequence happened and bam! I have to listen to his other songs and bam! here I am.

And there's The Fray, and Ed Sheeran, and Emeli Sande.

I just really hate modest!management okay.

Poor, overworked, exploited boys.

So you see.

I'm a little conflicted.

Do I want to watch their 3D movie?
Yes.

Do I want to support the fact that the whole movie is probably scripted and their getting-mobbed scenes were encouraged and "This is" definitely NOT "Us"?

Yeah, probably not.

Harry & Louis' twitcam from years ago though.

:'(

I firmly believe that they are two best friends who were fated to fall in love.

and the tears stream down my face.

Also, the entire larry fandom is biting its nails, teetering on the edge of its seat.

We think something big larry-related will happen by the end of the year.

I mean, the recent influx of larry-suspicion articles can't be a coincidence, no?

Looks like modest! forgot to give out a few paychecks..

*prays it is them coming out*

gonna pop some tags

Well today I had the pleasant misfortune of dealing with some judgemental pricks and it's been bugging me the entire day.

How do I start this most civilly.

Listen here you little shit, but you would have to explain this to me, because I can never understand how or when music preferences have become a reason for one to be looked down upon.

Or really, in your words, "I'm judging you for this."

No, just...no.

Superbass and Stupid Hoe do not constitute who Nicki is.

But if you think that the 3-year love I have for her music and what she does is unfounded, you cannot possibly be anything other than moronic because I am not one to commit mindlessly.

All you have actually heard is 7 minutes of two different sides to Nicki and......?

You've completely, deliberately pushed away Here I Am, Save Me, Marilyn Monroe, fucking Freedom that was an actual single, Hold Yuh, Can Anybody Hear Me and you are still tripping your dumb asses over how she isn't a good person.

I just don't get it??

Verse on Girl on Fire and y'all are still dissatisfied like get. a. grip.

(angst angst angst)

Well I am sorry, but Nicki has pulled me through tons of shit when no other artistes could.

And yes, I say she is an artiste because friendly reminder that Nicki started out as a female rapper, but now she's delving into pop (I think this is quite discernible) and if you think this is not applaudable you need your cranium checked (if you get this reference good for you).

Which other female rapper can you name off your head this very moment that's smashing up   the industry in both r&b and pop genres?

Chances are you came up with nothing.

See, that's because every other female rapper that's ever existed - lil kim, missy elliot, eve, on and on and on - had stuck to the rap genre and that is it. full stop. rip careers.

Not Nicki, no, she's a brave woman who's done something unprecedented, knows the importance of higher education, actually loves her barbz, I mean I don't know what's not to love about her.

And the importance of her in my life I cannot stress enough because who else has empowered me like she has.

Who else has told me that sometimes being a bitch isn't bad, that being a bitch doesn't necessarily mean being mean and ratchet, that maybe it is about speaking your mind, up for yourself and knowing where the line is drawn and understanding that you do not exist to be trodden on.

(Thank you I'm The Best & Still I Rise & Wave Ya Hand & a million other tracks.)

Nicki encapsulates that idgaf part of me that everyone needs at some point of time in their lives.

That's Roman; Roman is my angry demon.

Roman is Monster & Roman Holiday/in Moscow/'s Revenge & Out of My Mind.

Without Roman I'd punch walls and tear paper up.

Without Nicki there is no Roman.

I don't know, Nicki just makes me feel really, really, really good and nothing she does can make me hate her because she means more to me than just Superbass and Stupid Hoe.

This is something I find hard to phrase in a comeback, I guess, so here are some things to make up for that.

I cannot explain in explicit, definite forms why I love Nicki that much, I just do.

as long as they understand that

i'm fighting for the girls that never thought they could win.

Also this is me trying to put in my two cents on why no one should be defined solely by what they listen to.

You should not give a fuck if I find myself quite unable to quit my listening to Selena Gomez's new single, just because you think she "can't sing".

Okay, pause.

Do you actually think I don't know that.

Do you also actually think that is a legit reason to forbid someone from listening to a song.

Excuse you. 

What even.

I just.

Okay, this makes me so mad.

What is wrong with listening to some mindless pop now and then.

Doesn't mean I'm a diehard brainwashed follower of the pop (cult)ure.

Because I'm sure as hell I will never survive concentrated bubblegum pop - why do you think I listen to not-mainstream music.

(Hold your remarks about 1d, if you please.)

But why should it bother you what people listen to.

Why is it a felony for me to like Chris Brown's music just because he hideously beat up a woman.

Me loving what he puts out isn't the same as me advocating domestic violence.

Me loving Taylor Swift's music isn't the same as me liking the artiste herself.

Me loving One Direction isn't the same as me being an immature, delusional, pubescent tween who has wedding plans with every member of said boyband.

Repeat after me.

A person isn't what he/she listens to.

What he/she listens to only represents one part of a person.

Well, there's that.

Which brings me to my next point, that is a bit more obviously related to hating on someone just because they listen to some kind of music.

If you don't know by now, Drake is in absolute hate with Justin Bieber.

(I'm talking about Drake Bell from Drake & Josh, not my YMCMB Drake because he doesn't have time for shit like that.)

No, actually, he just hates the fans.

Look his twitter up.

It was funny at first, I mean, yeah, beliebers fgs smdh.

But today, in mocking jest, he retweeted one of the fans' tweets ("Swag." I mean come on now) and damn.

That 12-year-old is now getting tons of hate from Drake's fans.

A 12-year-old.

Getting hate.

Because of what a 26-year-old did.

We need to take a step back here and realise that there's a million things wrong with this picture.

I just?? I mean???

Poor girl who was just casually loving Justin Bieber?????

Suddenly subjected to online bullying????????

Just because she likes loves JB?????????????

Dear Drake Bell, 

You're a grown-ass man.

Your twitter page seems dedicated to throwing shade on fans of a guy many years your junior.

Are you sure you have your priorities sorted.

Sincerely,

wtf are you even doing.

I mean, o.k.a.y. beliebers aren't the friendliest or nicest people, but h.o.n.e.s.t.l.y.

W.h.y.

What, are you promoting a notion of a hate-filled society.

W.h.y.

Should it matter to you how idiotic JB fans are.

W.h.y.

Have you never heard of the turn-around-and-walk-away move or.

There will be an abrupt ending to this post because I burnt out.

And no, this rant isn't an accurate measure of my maturity.

But really, will you not consider what I've been going on about?

(Also is it ironic how this basically revolves around pop culture??)

crying all night, drinking all summer

Damn 2012 and I'm still reeling over Take Care Drake you are brilliant.

Because Shot For Me opens with

i can see it in your eyes, you're angry

regret got shit on what you're feeling now

mad 'cause he aint like me

can't you see, that i made it 

yeah i made it

first i made you who you are

and then i made it

and you're wasted with your ladies

yeah i'm the reason why you're always getting faded

take a shot for me

and the next verse starts with

okay look, i'm honest

girl i can't lie, i miss you

you & the music were the only things that i commit to

i never cheated for the record back when i was with you

but you believed in everything but me girl, i don't get you

which leads to

take a shot for me

once again, but then you suddenly realise it's two very different shots we're talking about here.

take a shot for me: get drunk because I ruined your life and you left me and it's your fault that happened I'm not sorry

take a shot for me: give me a chance to love you again I'm worth it I promise take me back I beg you

It took me one year to get this.

The ambivalence in this one track, I mean.

One year.

This is why I don't ever tire of listening to Take Care.

thank you for not being here

Okay this will probably be one of my last few posts involving 1D because after yesterday, I mean.
I just want to wean myself off of this?
Also I feel sad that my whole life practically revolves around the boys like what?.
It's just a tiny bit too detrimental.
(Buuuut don't take my word for this; this may or may not be just a phase.)
I say step one to dragging myself out of this sinkhole.
(And it may or may not fail.)
((Come to think of it..what is my "step one" even..?))

Though of course I'll still be a hard-core Larry shipper, also side-shipping Ziam and the occasional Zourry.
And you know what, you can't change that.
If I ship people I have my reasons for doing so and I will not jump ship just because someone tells me to.
Shipping is serious business, I mean, it practically tells the world what some of the things that you stand for, are.
And so it is undoubtedly true that once you insult someone's ship, shit will get personal.
Which is why I think that if you do not agree with someone's choice of ships, you do not go up to them and tell them upfront that their ship is bullshit.
Especially when you are in their personal space.
You come on here, you read my opinions, and you respect them, because I cannot deal with anyone having the privilege of coming into my bubble and then throwing serious shade on me or what I personally believe in and stuffing ships I don't want to ship down my throat (or any other ideologies for that matter).
And this is my personal policy in reading opinions and perspectives of the millions of people we have on this planet.
If I choose to read someone's diary and intrude onto their personal space (without them knowing and yes I've done this so many times before sorry do you have a diary i might have read it sorry again) I make sure that I am mentally prepared for things that might offend me, and then I keep myself open-minded and I won't hate on them for their opinions.
Because it is their right and it is their space and I have to respect that.
And if I choose to go through the Elounor tag, for example, I am not going to flip if I see Elounor shippers worshiping that ship or stating (civilly) how they think Larry's not real, because it is their space.
(Even though I still think some're kinda stupid.
Though not quite as stupid as Haylor shippers..
because how can you ship two people who don't even remotely look happy with each other.)
But I draw the line if they do that on the Larry tag or send anon hate or whatever else.

Oh god I think I digressed.

The point of the matter here is that I am not trying to sink anyone's ship - it is merely me stating my honest-to-god opinions.
I also take great care in not insulting the people themselves so I mean...?
If you hate the fact that I ship Ziam...why should you even bother?
My Ziall-shipper sister and my Ziam-shipping self get along just fine, even though we have tiny ship wars now and then, but nothing too major.
I asked her today if she's mad that I shipped Ziam (ya know, since Ziall's her OTP and her one true love and such and Zayn's with Niall not Liam etc etc) and she said no why should she be mad, because she doesn't control me.
I wanted to kiss her then because if my own sister can tolerate it (not even "tolerate" really; she simply doesn't give a shit what I ship) then why can you not?
And remember that from time to time, I still get intense Zouis feels, so the fact that I can still ship a pairing involving half of my soulmate otp aka Larry Stylinson...
Also I am very, very okay with people having Zouis/Zarry/Nouis/Narry/Lilo/Lirry as their otp as in they legitimately have faith in their otp being 100% real in real life.
You know, because why should I burst their bubble when they're in their own happy place?
As long as they don't hate on other ships, I'm perfectly fine.
And I actually find it cute too (aka that time when I found someone with Narry as their serious otp), so I don't get why you're mad..?
I am sorry if this makes you mad, but I was so, so upset, I really was.
And the fact that you seriously, seriously could not take me shipping Ziam kind of worries me a little.

So I am not going to stop my shipping Ziam, because I see something there, and you should not be terribly offended if you are completely assured of the realness of your own otp.
What I ship shouldn't affect what you ship, and it is the same the other way.

Now how about we both do a turn-around-and-walk-away move and carry on with our smutfic-reading/feels-filled lives.

bitches aint serious

Woke up to the release of AAoOD2 and omg.

It was good as always yeah okay but Larry shippers are flipping shit again.

And it's a different drama from yesterday?
This fandom is so.

:(
The stress of being a larry shipper.

you get so much hate.

I'm turning 17 fgs this isn't supposed to affect me but oh well i can't handle hate my ship my poor ship is at stake my muthafuckin ship people legit think omg what do i do i am utterly depressed this fandom sucks.

I think there's a fine line between being immature and choosing to be it.

Tbh I don't quite know where I'm at now.

But people complain about getting unfollowers for writing anti-Larry posts but okay how about you grow the fuck up yourselves for one mo.

How is unfollowing people immature.

Lbr here if they unfollow you it's probably because they're humane enough to themselves to do something about the fact that they see things they disagree with on their dash, and so by unfollowing your immatureass blog they are just doing a what i call turn-around-and-walk-away move which I'd say is miles more civil than lashing out at you and sending anon hate yeah?

So what if they unfollow you isn't that great you should be thankful that you are not going to be in contact with people who have hideously different ideologies from you weyhey won't that make your life more peaceful.

I don't trip when people unfollow me in fact I fucking appreciate it because they're doing a service to themselves and to me too and since when has tumblr been about gaining followers which is why i unfollow bitches who do promos because tbh we're not on the same frequencies here if you find it quintessential or highly imperative to have a million followers ok because I don't care if I have 0 followers and having several hundred is just a privilege or an honour not a necessity ok.

So you see I cannot take it when some of my favourite Larry blogs get hate for reblogging Ziam or other bands from bitches who think that "if you are a larry blog don't muthafuckin reblog other stuff and stick to mothafuckin larry" because who the fuck are you to tell them what to put in their blog or not.

So if you disagree, just unfollow them and then weyhey thank you very much for making everyone have nice days thenceforth unfilled with hate and shade.

Which is why I am going to unfollow the fashion blogs on my dash because 1) they don't make me feel good about tons of things 2) they reblog 1D fgfs and since I can't tell them to stop reblogging what they want to fuckin reblog because they have that right to freedom of speech etc, I am just going to click that unfollow button and I'd be damned if this isn't considered a mature, adult decision because you have no idea how much I had to talk myself out of throwing shade on them ok and I've done that before it was mean even though it felt good.

(Still does, actually.)

But this speech just.

I mean.

Can't go back on my mothafuckin words can I.

But the boys the poor boys on hipster blogs and shit my poor kittens.

You know what I'll just continue with my homework.

*still seething from Larry hate*

Listening to Come On A Cone helps tbh.

give you all my heart

I just thought this would be helpful in deciphering why, when you infuse certain words into your sentences, I may unnecessarily perk up.

A Friendly Guide to Words That Any Shipper Can Never Read Like Normal People Do
1. Ship
What it is: A romantic pairing (relationship) between two characters/people that may or may not be real; used in fanfictions (yay fanfics).
What it is not: 


2. (Head)cannon 
What it is: A storyline in fics that ACTUALLY happened.
What it is not:



What makes a ship sink?
When other ships have a cannon.

3. Beard
What it is: A man or a woman used as a cover for a gay person.
What it is not:


4. Coming out (I thought people might know what this essentially means, but I guess not)
What it is: The act of someone publicly declaring his not-straight orientation.
What it is not:


5. Angst
What it is: One of three pillars for fanfics; hideous concoction of depression made up of words.
What it is not: It actually is what it means tho.

6. Fluff
What it is: Second pillar; fics that make you want to sob and die, but in a good way because everything is overflowing with sweetness and happiness and love.
What it is not:


7. Smut
What it is: Third pillar; when stuff happens in fics.
What it is not: 


8. Come (verb/noun)
What it is: Can I not say. Also if you say this word I will get the giggles like the immature schoolgirl I am.
What it is not:



9. Top
What it is: gives.
What it is not:


10. Bottom
What it is: receives.
What it is not:


Yes, many tumblr arguments between Larry shippers revolve around this top/bottom matter.
Huh.

These are basic ones.
I'm just..saying.
Been gnawing at me for about a million years.