I think for the present the ~identity crisis~ has been put to a rest and I've been quite content with acknowledging the fact that I'm "eclectic & stuff" (hence my twitter bio mmhmm it's quintessentially me in 3 words hey).
For now I think maybe I can identify a couple major sides
perhaps for this purpose I'll take my tumblr as an example.
the tumblr blog itself: lovely things, sort of vintage if I had to give a label, gifs from period movies, things so pretty I may die.
manifestation of how I present myself, possibly.
light! fragile as a flower! detached! from reality kind of! delusional! etc!
((brings to mind some of my twitter qualities like how 70% of it is pink
which maybe is subconsciously "how I want to present myself" but idk how that would have come to be because I don't actually like pink that much so I s2g I don't know how my pencil case + my purse (I CALLED IT A PURSE!!! !!!!) + notebooks are pink like I DON'T KNOW.
and somehow I have a slight inner aversion to pink (hahhaha) because idk the way society works pink is such a gender-normative colour and then there's the infusion of misogyny in daily life sigh and yet?? idk maybe I think it's sad that I have to feel sad for maybe liking pink a tad bit.))
the actual tumblr dashboard: oh god miles and miles of one direction updates and gifs and oh my god.
hah I think this just reveals what my mind occupies itself with most times.
oh sheesh I don't know where this is going.
but there are hideously many facets to me (like there are to everyone else, I'm sure) that maybe I'm more intensely intrigued by/curious of than others.
(Presumably...I mean that's the vibe I get from others y'know. And some seem so one-dimensional idk if that's really them and how they are or not.
Also I cannot imagine people not talking to themselves when alone.)
Right, so anyway the identity crisis' out of the way which is all good but lately ~existentialism thoughts~ have cropped up.
in the sense that
I'm taking math..and why..this is for university admission??...which is what would wholly determine success!! ??...but why is success the destination of a one-track route?...'cause we're all going to die anyway my body the same one doing these sums would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
or
I'm climbing this fucking rock wall and keeping my body strong but we're all going to die anyway my body the same one exercising these muscles would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
you feel me.
These are highly simplified though; there're a million other sub-thoughts in between those.
I suspect that this existentialism thing has been fueled by the fact that I still don't know what to do with my life - what big decisions? to make at 17? to secure a life-long! job? how? do I make myself useful? in a society where you're either really exceptional or really average? - inducing a sort-of mid-life crisis - wtf am I doing with my life? - but hey, I'm a little too young to have a MID-LIFE crisis, aren't I.
(unless I AM at my mid-life point which I should stop there.)
And maybe that's something I'd have to work on, then, if I'd like to help things move along a little better.
Accept that this world is ordered chaos and idk.
Maybe take on Erica's "nihilistic humanism" approach of which I'm insanely fascinated by.
(no actually I'm just full-on fascinated by whatever opinions she has I'm obsessed with her ask.fm f uCK she's so cool omfg shit.)
But then again, I'd want to go through things myself, and formulate that final ~me~ package.
you feel me.
Experience a million things, don a million attitudes and/or philosophies till I may derive at a system that accurately ascertains how I carry myself for others and for me.
((The ~fated system~, whatever that means you decide I mean it's ur life.))
It's a little elusive right now, but I'll get there & find something that just works.
((Which is why I get mad pissed when I have exclusively me things ripped off I mean I shouldn't be mad pissed but :) x I took a long time to recognise as something that perfectly expresses myself whilst interacting with the general public and it might be trivial, but it's not because! :) x is genuinely me and it's one thing in my life that just works and it's comfort for me because that's one thing I have to worry less about my identity right.
and you rip that off of me when never in my life I've seen you use that or present yourself with an attitude that ordains the use of :) x LIKE IN THE EXACT SAME FORMAT TOO FFS STOP.
and yes this really is what'd made me feel violated one night on twitter don't laugh this is real life.))
Yeah well, so there's that.
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