you leave with the tide

blood-red curtains and blood-red apples

of the morning

because I decided today was no time for school

(but if you spoke to someone more honest

you'd know it was a decision made six hours ago

when-)

so when morning came

and people walked in and out

with purpose and reason

(in preparation for the nascent day)

where I was there existed only

stillness

and

blankness

and

emptiness

under swathing sheets

with pretty caramel lying upset on her side beside my own

and some poetry book digging uncomfortably into the side of my face

(since I hadn't bothered with putting it away nicely prior)

and a heart that is as indifferent as it is spent

(because I can't give a shit anymore)

lost causes & never minds and

Where are you?

nope no school for me today..

How come?

huh no lah I just don't feel well

What are you down with?

"last night I hyperventilated for 45 minutes"

how jargon-ic and it sounds silly

"panic attack"

overstatement

and lies maybe

innacurate ones

is anyone asking? idk I just don't feel well but it's not bad enough for the doctor's I don't want to see

good enough

Larry wanted to know.

so I snickered a tiny bit at this a little fondly

and now I'm writing this

(also writing excuse letters)

and it is the silliest thing I've written maybe

because it just is

and anyway I want to keep this aside for my own reference

(-nothing I did stopped the panic

or the nothingness in the limbs

or the helplessness
breathe, says anis
her fingers twine around mine
and
I am limp in her arms
but how..?
can't

so fucking weak)

because I just want to

and the thing no one understands is

(look at all this poetic wannabeing don't fucking care)

I just don't feel in control

and you are telling me to make sure I know what I'm doing

I fucking don't

and I can give two shits about knowing what I'm doing

my problem right now is I feel indoctrinated

and

I think I am losing my mind

and I can't deal with that

like you can't make sure you know what you're doing if you are not emotionally stable

for fuck's sake

pretty sure I'm not emotionally stable

dissociation to survive the unsurvival

(words of affirmation)

it's petty

people are going to hell for loving someone of the same gender

eternal damnation in an unending inferno for living a life of love

as You had ordained

I feel sad

maybe I'd be going to hell for thinking like this

but ok

I'm quite resigned

I'm going to hell

ok

my life is 

ok.

anyway now I have a few problems to sort out like

important things

'cause I want my life back on track

like weeding

needs to be done

and

starts of weeks aren't ever fresh

because sundays determine how they turn out.