don't take nothing from nobody

anyway I can't sleep right now so maybe I'll just write about what happened a week ago

(again, for personal reference)

in one single line

turns out they won't let me see the xx

and ok I see u you're thinking

what

but yes ok

I broke down

I told u I would be ruined/wrecked if I don't manage to see them

so here u go

I was ruined

it was supposed to be

the thing that keeps me going

the thing on the horizon I can look forward to

u feel me

in a time when everything feels like it is in a disarray

I thought

hey maybe

maybe this can be one thing that is fixed and sure

it's just there I don't have to worry about it not being there

it's something I won't mess up

it's something handed to me not something I have to create myself

(and henceforth destroy inevitably)

and I've thought of it for so long

I've been looking forward to it since

oh since just march only march nbd

I've been thinking hard of the things that would happen on the evening of august 2nd

what I would wear

how I would get there

applause and all

for them live

thank u for giving me something to listen to for when I am not in this world, for when I am ethereal

thank u for being the soundtrack to my uk trip (very aptly so)

thank u for creating one of my favourite larry anthems

thank u

thank you

it's even on my bucketlist

(a list of things that constitute my light:

future ed sheeran/the xx gigs)

it's harsh

because I have to let go of this

and

idk

it's harsh because I had to give it up for something that is entirely embedded on faith

which

faith means you believe even if it's not something concrete

and I can't take anything not concrete at this point in my life

(existential crisis I guess)

so I had to trade and it was painful

and cruel

I was thinking

and idk if I may ever get the chance to see them again

or hear of them ever again

I mean

indie groups that are so intimate

but I broke down

the way

a highly-strung person would

when she realises on a monday morning that

she's forgotten to bring her earpieces.

well I'm not saying the xx is trivial

it's not

I'm saying that it shook me up so bad

the way it won't

under normal circumstances.