maybe you're loveable

Today hasn't been an exceptionally good day.

I am exhausted from last night.

A little wrecked maybe, but progressively I got a little used to it so ok.

I lost my school tie; now I'm going to have to buy a new one which would be a problem because

I am a broke-ass bitch.

To top-up my ez-link card ($0.84) I had had to use my last $2 note, the two remaining dollar coins, and sieve through coins of very mixed currencies to make up the last dollar.

(I think I am left with less than fifty cents worth of singaporean money in my purse.)

I've paid for things worth dozens of dollars with all of my own money; I'll have to ask for more from papa then, do a little 'pay-me-back' which would rack me with guilt.

I am not looking forward to that.

I owe people money.

For the lit lecture, we watched the movie for waterland which, under normal circumstances, would absolutely thrill me, but I wasn't, and my mind was occupied and distraught because

I'd found out ten minutes ago that the tickets for the xx gig on 2 august are sold out.

During the geog lesson I sat in after I managed to find a couple tickets online...the cheapest being $150 for a cat 2 seat.

Cat 1 tickets were either $210 or $250.

Under sistic the most expensive seats cost $148.

But I am willing to pay, of course I am.

It's the xx, if I don't see them even once I think I will be absolutely ruined.

(They help me sleep.)

Then bat found out that there would be an additional show on the 1st of august since there was so much demand for it, and there it is - the clean break.

Except not really, because the 1st of august is a thursday, and on thursdays my lesson ends 7.30pm.

The event starts at 8.

I can't..I can't skip french lessons for anything, that's hideous.

But if I choose to go on the friday I'd have to pay a ridiculous price.

So today I have another dilemma.

I saw too, the H1 math syllabus and it's so disturbingly like secondary school work I wonder if I would feel angry with myself when I continue with that, doing something I already know how to do, and being too cowardly to push through with H2 math (which is a disgusting thing).

I was starving the whole day; I only had some tea for breakfast.

I should have been able to eat whatever I please, but it's never felt right when no one else can.

So the whole day all I ate (surreptitiously too) was a chocolate square.

Even if I were fasting I would have been armed with a much less meagre meal.

And now I am upset with myself for letting me starve when my body is at the crux of its breaking down, its shedding itself...

It was a harsh day.

And I ended up not meeting up with farah/kim/alisha.

I think maybe my saving grace would be the long bus ride home I had with gordon.

He's unexpectedly easy to talk to, even though I was impossibly drained but well.

I don't know more than five other people like that, so this was a nice change.

I think maybe I was myself.

Silly and unusual and saying odd things but it was ok.

I felt ok being like that around him.

And arinna.

And bat maybe.

And anis most definitely.

So this made me feel ok.

I'm ok.