*looks at planner*
yep here are a couple more dates marked.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
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