life is wacky now

And what the heck.

I think I was mad last year.

GW: 37.0 ?

Hahahaha okay this is a sickening joke.

All I want now is to maintain a 45 or something.

No more, no less.

So I'll scrap that ratchet thing off.

your hate is what gave me strength

Can't express enough my love for this.
It is glorious.

Had a dream - I was king.
I woke up - still king.

or there ever will be

Interesting week.

My birthday was just right.

It was subdued to just that right degree.
I am happy and glad to be alive.

I am happy and glad for my friends.

I am happy and glad for all I have.

Pound the alarm!!

if you are a cliffhanger

Convincing myself that today will be just another satisfactory day.

what goes up must come down

“Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?”
-Albert Camus

do a show for versace

Let me think.

People think I can react "coolly" enough.
Right, this is funny because the thing is, when things happen, I am hardly ever calm inside.
Inside is a mix of worry and anxiety and what-do-I-dos and am-I-doing-this-right-this-reacting-thing.
And for that, I make myself seem so.. unnerved.
I pretend to be unfazed so that I may be unfazed.
So that these hoes know they can't fluster me too easily.
(I ought not to have written 'hoes', but it felt right and you know I go by instinct.)
Even if they really do.
It's good because they would think I am not weak and insecure when really, I am.

Pretense is a magnificent thing.
That, and lies and deceit.
I don't know how many things I've made myself believe through lies to myself.
Do I find it a little sinister, though, that I can so very easily tell a lie and say it so convincingly that even I may start to think it true?
Okay, yes.
It is scary.
Scary, but necessary.

Now I'm wondering.
Why do I tell lies?

Putting that aside, I still cannot believe I made it through last Friday just fine.
But that year had been enough to break the heart of a lion.
It was one of the worst days of the year, and.
My resolve and walls were fine.
"How was your Oral?"
"Ahhh it was scary. It was okay, but scary. "
Hell no, it was worse than "scary", and definitely NOT "OKAY".
I don't know how I could have gone around so flippantly.
Because there was, simply, no reason to.
I knew I wouldn't be able to cope too well, so I gave myself time to 'cry it out'.
Except I didn't.
I couldn't.
And I could only stand there, with a little half-laugh because I realised that the lie I told had been accepted so readily by myself too, and I could do near nothing about it.

No, really, how could I have looked someone in the eye and tell them a lie that I knew was much too far from the truth, without flinching.
Could other people do that too?
Can you?

Speaking of this has made me wonder if pretense is so beautiful after all.
I just burst my own bubble.
Or maybe I am facing the truth.
Okay, I don't know.
Just putting my thoughts out there.
And thinking if such things belong more in The Private Book.

Do you not think that the mind is a wonderful place to be, though?
Your thoughts, if not spoken and materialized into sound vibrations, may be kept so safely in your mind.
Really.
Think of the most unnatural thing of the most scandalizing matter.
And..nothing happens.
I am glad for this.
I can think the worst things and still have people think I am not different.

Or perhaps everyone thinks queer thoughts, and project themselves as one of the average.
If that is so, and people are really internally more profound than thought to be, why do they pretend to be average?
And what is "average" made of, then, if essentially "average" is comprised of these people who are so radically abstract in their true form?

Well, this is churning out more questions than I had thought.
But, you get my drift?

burn, burn, burn

I hope you lay down in your sleep and you choke on every lie you told.

it's never ever too late

My birthday's next week.

Say whut??

Time passes too fast.

Honestly..!

Woke up in the morning with Masquerade in the head, so that was the song of the day.

it should come on a cone

When I'm sittin' with Anna, I'm really sittin' with Anna.

Ain't no metaphor punchline, I'm really sittin' with Anna.

you'll be young forever

I'll be over here, you'll be over there.

I'ma shed a tear but I really don't care.

you ain't about that life

Damn, damn, what they say about me?

I don't know man; f-ck is on your biscuit?
If I get hit, swingin' on a big b-tch.

I don't know, man, I'm sh-ttin' on your whole life.

This is one of those meaningless, feel-good verses.

Hurrah.

you got my world spinnin'

Okay I take back my list of loved tracks from Roman Reloaded.

Let's just say that I love every single thing in there.

I mean, even the one I like least (Beautiful Sinner) is one I like a lot.

one lovely pretty summer day

I don't blog about my school life much because why should I when I speak and talk of it so much out of here since I'm a "full-time student" and it drives me crazy sometimes and this is my form of escape somewhat, you could say that, where I can at least live in this unrealistic realm of flawless wonders.

The word 'flawless' looks very flawed and imperfect.

I don't like that word one bit.

It looks very hypocritical, like a lying cu-t.

tell them it's just love

Add henna sticks to my wish list.

We only have 3 at home and I think at the rate we're using them...ha.

There's something lovely about having a big family - even though 'big' isn't really what I think of it, though everyone else seems to do that - with an even number of members.

Each person will have that one other to gravitate to, and there is no one left out.

And with 6 people at the dinner table every evening, there is sufficient conversation and merriment going around.

It is even more so when a family still has that one child to care for, or a little girl to nurture, because the older ones will still have that unbroken link to innocence.

I can never not admire teenagers with (much) younger siblings.

It's like, I can relate to you.

And we both know how it is like to always have to adapt to a young child's caprices.

Or how to effectively get them to do something they positively abhor.

Or how to not foolishly lose tempers and inevitably reveal the ugly sides of "grown-ups".

And we would know how to play pretend and think simplistically and be like a child.

Because it is hard work seeing that they grow towards the right kind of sunlight, and that they do it not too quickly, and that they don't feel the harsh pinches of real life just yet.

And what you would recognize in an older sibling - any older sibling, really - is the understanding of the importance of sacrifice for the sake of comfort/happiness of the younger.

One would have to part with a piece of favourite candy, or a warm cardigan, or the right to watch an amazing documentary about the universe.

And once anybody learns sacrifice, unselfishness and thoughtfulness comes naturally.

So I should really say I am glad and content with my family.

but I need just one night alone

Right, I should add some books to my Need-To-Read List.

1. Catcher In The Rye - J. D. Salinger

2. The Book Thief - Markus Zusak

3. The Messenger - Markus Zusak

4. Any Paulo Coelho book out there.

Paulo Coelho is one of the most adroit, insightful writers around.

Undeniably one of the best.

You should date a girl who reads.

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

- Rosemarie Urquico

frozen in time

Woah, hold up, pause.

I really need to sleep.

I'm mad.

I mean, I already stayed up last night watching The Help with Anis.

Ha.

But that movie was so good.

God.

Young Forever is so good.

Like really, really.

Good God.

Goodnight.

master the merry-go-round

It would be lovely, heavenly to live alone in the woods with a tame animal for company.
There would be the cosy cottage in the midst of a clearing thriving with wildflowers and shrubbery.
The wildflowers you can pick and arrange in unmatched bunches to set in small vases filled with clear water from a nearby stream.
And days can be spent tucked up by the windowsill reading and reading with cups of tea waiting at the side.
Or there can be walks and solitary adventures taken in those woods that brim with life.
On its outskirts, inevitably, there would be a village visitable any time before dusk.
There, books may be returned or borrowed, things of odds and ends for the cottage bought, or the occasionally necessary needle and thread with required lengths of cloth purchased.
The path back home would be illuminated by sunlight that streaks through the breaks in the canopy and lit up by birdsong.
If it were raining you'd have to run whilst clutching the basket of wares close to your chest, but you'd be sheltered, still, by the trees.
And home would be a welcoming abode that is warmed by the flames in the fireplace and made bright by lit candle sticks and a beautifully-made paraffin lamp.
And every night you may go out with the lamp to lay on the grass with the pet and watch the stars to look for constellations or that one star you would want to wish on for a little excitement in this simplistic life, if you please.

this is my own prison

Roman Reloaded is really, really refreshing.

I am in love with

1. Roman Holiday (duh)

2. Come On A Cone

3. I Am Your Leader

6. Roman Reloaded

7. Champion (God I really love this; reminds me of Blazin')

9. Sex In The Lounge (oop!)

12. Whip It ("Is that my cue? I'm lookin' for some brain to boost my IQ!")

16. Young Forever (too precious)

17. Fire Burns

18. Gun Shot (I mean, it's Jamaica. duh)

21. Va Va Voom

22. Masquerade

Love.

we'd be okay, come what may

I just realized that

I like my books Complete & Unabridged

and my songs Explicit.

Because what's the point of receiving something in its incomplete form, right?

illumination

I really really want a slice of chocolate cake now.

Pretty much wishing for a day of peace tomorrow.

masquerade

take a little break, little break

Omg.

Omg.

Roman Reloaded.

Is amazing.

Okay today was my Alone day (sort of) - finally.

And I went to Somerset to steal some time for myself and then I spent a little money on stuff.

Meaning to say,

Is it me or can I spot all kind of Illuminati symbols?
Either way, who cares??!!?!?!?!

*jumps for joy, squeals in delight*

I love it because Nicki reuses some of her lines from songs from way back then aka Trip Down Memory Lane.

I hear Go Hard and F- U Silly and omg.

Ahahahahahhaahhaha okay.

I like how she is experimenting with pop and dance but I wish she would spin out more rap ish 'cause that's when the nick goes hard.

sleep with candles burning

So now my life goal is to create the Perfect Chocolate Cake.
I suppose I at least have something to do with my life.
Sigh.

Children are such intricately simple beings.
Last Friday, I saw the most beautiful children ever on the train.
I couldn't stray from watching them.
They were like angels.

a kind, kind little darling thing

Perhaps I should take to using quotes from books as well to be used as titles.

Oh dear.

I really shouldn't be blogging to-night but I cannot help myself.

I'd been visiting Sara's Scrapbook a lot lately - it is so beautiful.

It is the epitome of beauty and purity and happiness.

I cannot express enough my gladness of having someone as wonderful as Sara on Tumblr.

(And the knowledge that she is fortunate enough to be named Sara..!)

Presently my head and heart is engulfed with (again) the love for things vintage and stories classic.

How beautiful it must be to live in these times.

I am listening to the soundtracks for Pride and Prejudice and have never been happier in days.

The music is so impeccably simple, but still so grand.

I am so dearly looking forward to the peace and solitude - I've been speaking of solitude so much lately, haven't I? - that would come with the last month of the year.

When it does arrive, I think I will immerse myself in everything classic.

That is to say,

1. Read everything Jane Austen.

2. Read other classics - Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Importance of Being Earnest, God knows what else I can get my hungry hands on.

3. Watch Pride & Prejudice (2005).

Shan't these quell my insatiable desire?

I feel like swallowing them them whole - all these books.

'The difficulty will be to keep her from learning too fast and too much. She is always sitting with her little nose burrowing into books. She doesn't read them, Miss Minchin; she gobbles them up as if she were a little wolf instead of a little girl. She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books - great, big, fat ones - French and German as well as English - history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things.'

I think it is good, isn't it, that I have something to hold on to.

And wouldn't it be lovely if the whole world was made of readers?
How one lives without books baffles me to no end.

when she was seventeen

Isn't this absolutely charming?

Well, in my mind, this is how the world looks like.

it's all or nothing

I hate you now

So go away from me

You're gone, so long

I can do better, I can do better

Hey, hey you

I found myself again

That's why you're gone

I can do better, I can do better

I'm better off without you anyway.

I thought it would be hard, but I'm okay.

You gotta love Avril.

russian roulette is not the same without a gun

Maybe I should take back a little bit of what I said about my imminent birthday.

I really shouldn't say that I don't want anything - that would be lying.

But it wasn't when I said I wanted sincere things.

And you know what, the 'things' don't even have to be material.

So there.

But if it helps, here's a list of what I do want.

1. Books

Okay I don't know why but lately I've been having harsh cravings for books.

Amy Sackville's The Still Point

Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, Emma, Sense & Sensibility

Clara Vidal's Like A Thorn

Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre

Or I don't know, any other timeless books.

But books in paperback and a beautiful cover are the best, are they not?

Like this one.

This one is pretty and vintage.

2. Scented candles & soaps

I have no idea why either but I just want them.

They're soothing and calming and are so lovely.

3. Anything pretty & whimsical

Antique things.

Anything that looks dated.

Anything that doesn't look like it fits in this present day and time.

As an illustration, this.

4. Strange Clouds - B.o.B

Okay this is the only specific thing I want from HMV.

5. Anything you think would make me happy

Anything in the world, really.

But well, in all honesty, receiving anything would be a pleasure in itself.

I just want the friendly, loving vibes!

they don't really care about us

But hey, this aint the time, yo.

This aint the time to be reading Vigilant Citizen.

And I can't seem to stop.

and I start cryin, and I start screamin

Mind control, Monarch programming, conspiracies, Illuminati, New World Order.

I am so freaked out.

My dream last night was warped like..urgh.

Creepy.

I can't even talk of what I had been wanting to since Friday.

Or since the start of last week.

I can't think straight.

I need normalcy.

what I need

I feel weighted, and anxious, and scared.

Hmm.

I just want to sit somewhere in solitude and think, and think, and think.

i'm curious for you

Right, so it happened in the dream.

Think, think, think.

What am I to think of it?

What is it supposed to mean?(??????????????????????????????)

How odd that you appeared there.

Hmmmm.

Damn seriously, gimme a break.

sign of the virgo

It is August.

Wow, August, you really are here!

How quickly you had come!

Be good to me please, please, please.