Let me think.
People think I can react "coolly" enough.
Right, this is funny because the thing is, when things happen, I am hardly ever calm inside.
Inside is a mix of worry and anxiety and what-do-I-dos and am-I-doing-this-right-this-reacting-thing.
And for that, I make myself seem so.. unnerved.
I pretend to be unfazed so that I may be unfazed.
So that these hoes know they can't fluster me too easily.
(I ought not to have written 'hoes', but it felt right and you know I go by instinct.)
Even if they really do.
It's good because they would think I am not weak and insecure when really, I am.
Pretense is a magnificent thing.
That, and lies and deceit.
I don't know how many things I've made myself believe through lies to myself.
Do I find it a little sinister, though, that I can so very easily tell a lie and say it so convincingly that even I may start to think it true?
Okay, yes.
It is scary.
Scary, but necessary.
Now I'm wondering.
Why do I tell lies?
Putting that aside, I still cannot believe I made it through last Friday just fine.
But that year had been enough to break the heart of a lion.
It was one of the worst days of the year, and.
My resolve and walls were fine.
"How was your Oral?"
"Ahhh it was scary. It was okay, but scary. "
Hell no, it was worse than "scary", and definitely NOT "OKAY".
I don't know how I could have gone around so flippantly.
Because there was, simply, no reason to.
I knew I wouldn't be able to cope too well, so I gave myself time to 'cry it out'.
Except I didn't.
I couldn't.
And I could only stand there, with a little half-laugh because I realised that the lie I told had been accepted so readily by myself too, and I could do near nothing about it.
No, really, how could I have looked someone in the eye and tell them a lie that I knew was much too far from the truth, without flinching.
Could other people do that too?
Can you?
Speaking of this has made me wonder if pretense is so beautiful after all.
I just burst my own bubble.
Or maybe I am facing the truth.
Okay, I don't know.
Just putting my thoughts out there.
And thinking if such things belong more in The Private Book.
Do you not think that the mind is a wonderful place to be, though?
Your thoughts, if not spoken and materialized into sound vibrations, may be kept so safely in your mind.
Really.
Think of the most unnatural thing of the most scandalizing matter.
And..nothing happens.
I am glad for this.
I can think the worst things and still have people think I am not different.
Or perhaps everyone thinks queer thoughts, and project themselves as one of the average.
If that is so, and people are really internally more profound than thought to be, why do they pretend to be average?
And what is "average" made of, then, if essentially "average" is comprised of these people who are so radically abstract in their true form?
Well, this is churning out more questions than I had thought.
But, you get my drift?
No comments:
Post a Comment