sometimes i have to remind myself that this space is supposed to be for me
it is to cater to me
is has been designed for me
it is for me to use at my disposal
it is for me, me, me.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
be with me so happily
alright so.
a year ago tonight i discovered my first harry&louis fic, in attempts of purging this terrible, terrible ennui.
it was after this cropped up on my dash
so, so beautiful wow.
my heart was taken so, so quick.
there is something so terrifyingly honest about the way these two are with each other, and wow.
ouch.
it hurts a lot.
and it's been a year, and i still feel the same way about this.
and, i have been improved!
a lot!
i don't know i can't say much about this but
learning about their relationship has enhanced interminable aspects of my life.
and they also make me happy, and i am just so.
happy.
there has been a lot of firsts with these so um
for memory's sake,
first louis&harry gif:
first louis&harry fic: happy thoughts
first louis&harry blog: reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal
first louis&harry song (that i ever cried to lmaooo): kiss me
yeah i am done i am not going to push it.
also let me tell you that i am heaving right now
two of my ultimate favourite blogs that discuss louis&harry just follwoed me i think im gona die theyre so clever and groenw up and im just me and i cnt beleive they folwoed me i a m so hapy.
i think i am decently content with where my life is right now.
of course the effort presently exerted leaves much to be desired...but still.
who else can be as effusive when speaking about things like friends..or hobbies.
so i am content.
a year ago tonight i discovered my first harry&louis fic, in attempts of purging this terrible, terrible ennui.
it was after this cropped up on my dash
so, so beautiful wow.
my heart was taken so, so quick.
there is something so terrifyingly honest about the way these two are with each other, and wow.
ouch.
it hurts a lot.
and it's been a year, and i still feel the same way about this.
and, i have been improved!
a lot!
i don't know i can't say much about this but
learning about their relationship has enhanced interminable aspects of my life.
and they also make me happy, and i am just so.
happy.
there has been a lot of firsts with these so um
for memory's sake,
first louis&harry gif:
first louis&harry fic: happy thoughts
first louis&harry blog: reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal
first louis&harry song (that i ever cried to lmaooo): kiss me
yeah i am done i am not going to push it.
also let me tell you that i am heaving right now
two of my ultimate favourite blogs that discuss louis&harry just follwoed me i think im gona die theyre so clever and groenw up and im just me and i cnt beleive they folwoed me i a m so hapy.
i think i am decently content with where my life is right now.
of course the effort presently exerted leaves much to be desired...but still.
who else can be as effusive when speaking about things like friends..or hobbies.
so i am content.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
and if he feels my traces in your hair
Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
— Daniell Koepke
I have been thinking a lot about toxic people in recent months.
— Daniell Koepke
I have been thinking a lot about toxic people in recent months.
by my heavenly side
wow it's been self-destruction going out this much.
*looks at planner*
yep here are a couple more dates marked.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
this is how to be a heartbreaker
happy birthday
www.food.com/recipe/microwave-chocolate-mug-brownie-349246
www.food.com/recipe/microwave-chocolate-mug-brownie-349246
Friday, November 22, 2013
butterflies so crazy
mnot sad anymore!!!
bc!!
lesbian hary!!!
i love hary styles so much!!
i love him and his genderbending ways!!
he is so queer its painfully beautiful!!!
most itme s i feel like all he thnks!!
is!!!
fucku r gendre nroms!!!!!!!
i lvoe him so much!!!!!!!
harry is such a fun person i want 2 be his friend!!!!
a heart as loud as lions
um ok
it's about 4.30am
i am crying a lot and i cannot stop
it's been like this literally since 2am
so i listened to emeli sande's read all about it bc someone put a link
and it triggered the absolute shit out of me
harrylouisharrylouisclosetharrylouis
sad sad sad just very very very sad
thank you harry&louis
yes ok so
was very sad
decided to watch wreck-it ralph
and still found opportune moments to cry too ????
????????????
so yes
i am crying actual streams of tears
there are used tissues all around me
and im gonna have to stay up a bit more
if i want to make sure i dont get bad puffy eyes come morning
("come morning"???
pretty sure i'd sleep through it lmao)
i am confused????
why am i crying so much?????????????????????
?????????????????????///
at night we're waking up the neighbours
while we sing away the blues.
making sure that we're remembered, yeah
'cause we all matter too.
if the truth has been forbidden
then we're breaking all the rules.
so come on, come on,
come on, come on.
let's get the tv and the radio
to play our tune again.
it's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events.
there's no need to be afraid,
i will sing with you my friend.
come on, come on.
it's about 4.30am
i am crying a lot and i cannot stop
it's been like this literally since 2am
so i listened to emeli sande's read all about it bc someone put a link
and it triggered the absolute shit out of me
harrylouisharrylouisclosetharrylouis
sad sad sad just very very very sad
thank you harry&louis
yes ok so
was very sad
decided to watch wreck-it ralph
and still found opportune moments to cry too ????
????????????
so yes
i am crying actual streams of tears
there are used tissues all around me
and im gonna have to stay up a bit more
if i want to make sure i dont get bad puffy eyes come morning
("come morning"???
pretty sure i'd sleep through it lmao)
i am confused????
why am i crying so much?????????????????????
?????????????????????///
at night we're waking up the neighbours
while we sing away the blues.
making sure that we're remembered, yeah
'cause we all matter too.
if the truth has been forbidden
then we're breaking all the rules.
so come on, come on,
come on, come on.
let's get the tv and the radio
to play our tune again.
it's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events.
there's no need to be afraid,
i will sing with you my friend.
come on, come on.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
shiny things go deeper
I think I need to sort out personal things.
I think I am going downhill a little bit
so I'm gonna have to alleviate that quick.
I think I am going downhill a little bit
so I'm gonna have to alleviate that quick.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
dressing to the 9
lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo
im getting conflicted bc little white lies
sounds rape-y af
and now im reading arguments for and against it
comparing it with blurred lines
and
hm.
sure sure sure arguments for lwl
might be desperate attempts to guard ur faves
no one direction can't possibly be meaning this no
what i see in the arguments (for lwl) rn are a lot lot lot of interpretation and reading-into-it
too much??
????
and im thinking if we do the same with blurred lines we'd likewise find valid points to defend it as well
which
that is a horrible thought i do not ever want to defend blurred lines.
no this is not making sense im sorry.
((im trying to say that if we go deep deep deep and read into blurred lines as much as we did with little white lies
we'd still find ways of going around the 'rape alert'
to make it sound less rape-y
which may not be true))
but the point is
at face value, little white lies does seem to me like a rape-y song
You say you’re a good girl
But I know you would girl
(it somewhat parallels bl's
you're a good girl
I know you want it)
lmao you don't know how much i hate the phrase "good girl"
as if a woman's promiscuity is what defines how "good" she is
aka a woman who likes sex is inherently bad and rebellious o k
anyway
"i know you would" might be a bit problematic imo
yes ok you can say that the use of "would" would mean there is a choice involved
fair enough
but then again the "i know"
may also point out an overly-confident, arrogant and wrong assumption of the girl's intentions?
it might mean a purposeful dismissal of her boundaries??
well
that's one aspect of it
i mean yeah
i'll concede to how they want this album to sound a little more adult, a little more edgy and provocative
but i'm not gonna lie
i'm a little disappointed they decided to go down the
i-know-you-want-it line
which to me just reeks of rape culture.
there are other ways to write and sing about sex
other ways that are less about mushing/interpreting intentions
and more about the experience itself idk
and
the fact that they're my faves
won't stop me from calling them out on things like these.
but all the same
little white lies is definitely not as despicable as blurred lines
i mean, it isn't the song accompanied with a completely
vile, degrading, absolutely misogynist mv, now, is it?
TBH I STILL DON'T THINK I'LL UN-ENJOY IT
I THINK THAT DESPITE IT BEING A DEBATABLE SONG THAT POSSIBLY PERPETUATES RAPE CULTURE
I WILL STILL END UP LETTING MYSELF ENJOY IT LIKE I DO WITH EVERY OTHER STUPID ONE DIRECTION SONG
I WILL STILL LOVE IT
EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO IT YET
WHICH MAY BE A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL OF ME BUT
UM.
im getting conflicted bc little white lies
sounds rape-y af
and now im reading arguments for and against it
comparing it with blurred lines
and
hm.
sure sure sure arguments for lwl
might be desperate attempts to guard ur faves
no one direction can't possibly be meaning this no
what i see in the arguments (for lwl) rn are a lot lot lot of interpretation and reading-into-it
too much??
????
and im thinking if we do the same with blurred lines we'd likewise find valid points to defend it as well
which
that is a horrible thought i do not ever want to defend blurred lines.
no this is not making sense im sorry.
((im trying to say that if we go deep deep deep and read into blurred lines as much as we did with little white lies
we'd still find ways of going around the 'rape alert'
to make it sound less rape-y
which may not be true))
but the point is
at face value, little white lies does seem to me like a rape-y song
You say you’re a good girl
But I know you would girl
(it somewhat parallels bl's
you're a good girl
I know you want it)
lmao you don't know how much i hate the phrase "good girl"
as if a woman's promiscuity is what defines how "good" she is
aka a woman who likes sex is inherently bad and rebellious o k
anyway
"i know you would" might be a bit problematic imo
yes ok you can say that the use of "would" would mean there is a choice involved
fair enough
but then again the "i know"
may also point out an overly-confident, arrogant and wrong assumption of the girl's intentions?
it might mean a purposeful dismissal of her boundaries??
well
that's one aspect of it
i mean yeah
i'll concede to how they want this album to sound a little more adult, a little more edgy and provocative
but i'm not gonna lie
i'm a little disappointed they decided to go down the
i-know-you-want-it line
which to me just reeks of rape culture.
there are other ways to write and sing about sex
other ways that are less about mushing/interpreting intentions
and more about the experience itself idk
and
the fact that they're my faves
won't stop me from calling them out on things like these.
but all the same
little white lies is definitely not as despicable as blurred lines
i mean, it isn't the song accompanied with a completely
vile, degrading, absolutely misogynist mv, now, is it?
TBH I STILL DON'T THINK I'LL UN-ENJOY IT
I THINK THAT DESPITE IT BEING A DEBATABLE SONG THAT POSSIBLY PERPETUATES RAPE CULTURE
I WILL STILL END UP LETTING MYSELF ENJOY IT LIKE I DO WITH EVERY OTHER STUPID ONE DIRECTION SONG
I WILL STILL LOVE IT
EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO IT YET
WHICH MAY BE A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL OF ME BUT
UM.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
all I am is bored bored bored
I haven't written for the purpose of purging boredom in a long time so um
well.
I unfollowed like 60 blogs on tumblr bc too much one direction and I couldn't take it
and all the inactive blogs and
yeah my dash has been a little static
to say the least.
I might be dehydrated bc lazing around the house results in forgetting to drink water and stuff
so I have like a headache thing????
can't think straight
can't do a thing
also like half of today was spent playing plants vs zombies
and not e-learning
which is a disgusting to do
god i'm just gross and dumb and ugh
dumbest post ever
gonna delete this and other stuff soon bye
I haven't written for the purpose of purging boredom in a long time so um
well.
I unfollowed like 60 blogs on tumblr bc too much one direction and I couldn't take it
and all the inactive blogs and
yeah my dash has been a little static
to say the least.
I might be dehydrated bc lazing around the house results in forgetting to drink water and stuff
so I have like a headache thing????
can't think straight
can't do a thing
also like half of today was spent playing plants vs zombies
and not e-learning
which is a disgusting to do
god i'm just gross and dumb and ugh
dumbest post ever
gonna delete this and other stuff soon bye
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
watch it all fall out
ah oh yes indeed
how unkind of the universe
much melodrama
such sad
heightened pretentious
boohoo let us engage in little cry-our-eyes-out fêtes
bc not a thing is going well
and what else is there to do
but languish in the injustice of it all?
ah oh yes indeed
let us drown our forlorn little selves in
ostentatious displays of language use
and tearful, unrestrained tirades on social media
let us all ruefully express
our distaste and dissatisfaction
for situations we may never possibly alter, oh no
laments of the victimised powerless
dear me how cultured we all are
infusing totally not-cliché quotes
into the thing
how unkind of the universe
much melodrama
such sad
heightened pretentious
boohoo let us engage in little cry-our-eyes-out fêtes
bc not a thing is going well
and what else is there to do
but languish in the injustice of it all?
ah oh yes indeed
let us drown our forlorn little selves in
ostentatious displays of language use
and tearful, unrestrained tirades on social media
let us all ruefully express
our distaste and dissatisfaction
for situations we may never possibly alter, oh no
laments of the victimised powerless
dear me how cultured we all are
infusing totally not-cliché quotes
into the thing
Monday, November 4, 2013
if you walk away
try as I might
I just cannot feel attracted to liam/zayn/niall
not a single bit??
i dont want to kiss them at all??
like the mere thought of it eeks me out???
??????
like have you seen louis
huny louis' where it's at
and i guess no one can deny that
harry/liam/zayn are the strongest in the band vocally
but then you can't deny too that
louis' voice is integral in their songs like
his voice
(i can't bring myself to describe it
won't be able to do it justice)
weaves some texture into one direction songs
he creates all these layers like
wow
in the midst of all this chestnut and warm gravel and indigo
you hear this wafting angelic /thing/
like it is all sweet intoxicating mist
and it is so naked and bare and vulnerable
like it sounds so breakable
more easily shattered than the thinnest glass
and when louis is the one giving voice to the words of a song
you can just /see/
the way space between his eyes furrow
and his forehead creases like trenches on a battlefield
and how his eyes sparkle, leaking out all the sunshine within
and how he pours out all these /emotions/
and he's so cute when he sings
louis is so cute so soso sos cute
I just cannot feel attracted to liam/zayn/niall
not a single bit??
i dont want to kiss them at all??
like the mere thought of it eeks me out???
??????
like have you seen louis
huny louis' where it's at
and i guess no one can deny that
harry/liam/zayn are the strongest in the band vocally
but then you can't deny too that
louis' voice is integral in their songs like
his voice
(i can't bring myself to describe it
won't be able to do it justice)
weaves some texture into one direction songs
he creates all these layers like
wow
in the midst of all this chestnut and warm gravel and indigo
you hear this wafting angelic /thing/
like it is all sweet intoxicating mist
and it is so naked and bare and vulnerable
like it sounds so breakable
more easily shattered than the thinnest glass
and when louis is the one giving voice to the words of a song
you can just /see/
the way space between his eyes furrow
and his forehead creases like trenches on a battlefield
and how his eyes sparkle, leaking out all the sunshine within
and how he pours out all these /emotions/
and he's so cute when he sings
louis is so cute so soso sos cute
Sunday, November 3, 2013
omfg I find it so so so hilarious that
this jamaican dude follows me
and my tumblr is like
pastelish vintage paintings and quotes
and his is like
smoke weed errday girls girls boobs drink gold paper weed
and then his liddle jamaican friend came along and followed me too
science is amazing
i think i have an affinity to jamaicans
janelle is jamaican
this jamaican dude follows me
and my tumblr is like
pastelish vintage paintings and quotes
and his is like
smoke weed errday girls girls boobs drink gold paper weed
and then his liddle jamaican friend came along and followed me too
science is amazing
i think i have an affinity to jamaicans
janelle is jamaican
Saturday, November 2, 2013
nah son i just have other petty insecurities that's all
like woah im not all that i literally dont care about the all that
all i was thinking was
friiick now theyre gona judge me in sch and all ppl will hate me bc i was being stupid do i look stupid i am so sad
but nahhh theyre all gone now
wooow how do u know how to make me feel better and not stupid how
people are amazing
good people are amazing
like woah im not all that i literally dont care about the all that
all i was thinking was
friiick now theyre gona judge me in sch and all ppl will hate me bc i was being stupid do i look stupid i am so sad
but nahhh theyre all gone now
wooow how do u know how to make me feel better and not stupid how
people are amazing
good people are amazing
give me love like her
"nooo what if people think im stupid & they judge me like every step i take"
"then u have me, diana and bat and we'll walk with u and we'll all get judged together. you know, i do have a scary face..."
is it me or did i put these rap bitches on the map again
you know what
i dont give a fuck
what the hell did they expect calling me a fag
after ive explicitly said
not to
it was a conscious decision he made
and it was a stupid one
i stood my ground and called him out for it
and it freaked me out after that
but you know what
i think that was a fucking brave thing i did
and i am ok with that
i dont give a fuck
what the hell did they expect calling me a fag
after ive explicitly said
not to
it was a conscious decision he made
and it was a stupid one
i stood my ground and called him out for it
and it freaked me out after that
but you know what
i think that was a fucking brave thing i did
and i am ok with that
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