hey i know something you don't

I've started running again! Bit by bit tho because I'm so out of touch lmao

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy! Happy people don't just shoot their husbands... they just don't!"

in the bed all day

i feel somehow as if i were being wicked and tricking you into supposing that i am always happy, but that is not true.
oh god, that cannot be any further from the truth.

i have written loads about my academic pursuits and i, and i've found myself wondering unceasingly if that's all there is to me.
on one hand, it gives me life.
on the other, it's all so meaningless, isn't it?
i mean, Death's gonna come hurtling at me either way

ah! i've found the trouble with blogging.
on this platform it is imperative to have a point, a topic, a purpose, and then expound it at some length.
alas, i have a sickeningly short attention span, and thoughts come to me in short spurts and sprays, and i cannot bear to muse over a single one for very long.
it is very tiring, i think, to have to always meticulously twist and shape your words just so to reach any desired effect.
it is for this reason twitter attends to me excellently - i never have to care past 140 characters!

did you know? i've lost my writing

sweet like cinnamon

hello!
once again, it's a been a hideous while, but welcome back!
i don't know who is reading this, but whoever you are, i pray that life has been glorious to you.

it's a funny thing to be dipping toes in my 20s and still come back to a space cultivated since i was a mere fledgling (what, 13? 14??), but i am very pleased to announce that as of now, for the present, i think,
I am in a good place.

as you may or may not know, i've been working on a linguistics (& multi-lingual studies) major and it is the most fulfilling thing yet.
many people have asked me what i could do with a linguistics degree and the truth is, well, i have no bloomin' idea!
all i know is that i am in love with my area of study through and through; God will sort out the rest.
there have been hiccups here and there, of course, but i pull it off all the same.

i feel like i've been channeling a lot of marina's The Family Jewels era lately.
don't do love, don't do friends,
i'm only after success.
i know exactly what i want and who i want to be.
'cause i feel like i'm the worst so i always act like i'm the best.
heck yeah first of all i know i want to keep my GPA's first class honours status.
i used to really really really want to be on the dean's list, then i sobered up & tried this little thing called Realistic & Logical Thinking lmao.
okay not saying it's impossible, just saying it's highly unlikely for now.
second of all i really really really want to be the best.
honestly i've been telling myself this since last semester but i don't really know what i mean by "the best".
still wanna be *it, tho.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*it = the best

i also have quite a few commitments this sem?
1) i'm overloading and doing 18 AUs.
2) i'm in the biz mag committee for this year's LMS FOC??
3) also on the publicity team for this other thing i'm doing???
???????
i've never done this much for anything ever & while talking to a friend recently i realised perhaps it's because i wanted to start doing more things for others (while she wishes to do more for herself).
i think maybe it's also because subconsciously (or not), i'm pushing and pushing and pushing myself to accomplish more than i've ever had during a school term.
i don't know what i'm trying to prove but i'm getting there.

here's another thing i've learnt about myself: i'm an introvert but i take much delight in forming many new friendships, although i feel more comfortable if they were kept relatively superficial. however, i still cherish very deeply maintaining a smaller, more intimate group of friends. networking's fun and tolerable and all but only sometimes, and only when i feel like it. small close group of pals are for ever. i also still use solitude to recharge.

i'm sorry this has, in retrospect, been draggy and boring.
(or i would think so.)
but it's nice to have this down on my blog, just in case Young Me gets accidentally shifted to an alternate universe in a glitch and is somehow able to read all this.
if so,

this is your almost-20 self writing.
right now, you're doing great, b.
you're flourishing academically & blooming in luxuriant intellectual pursuits.
you're meeting many new people, every day, and starting to see past yourself.
you've even started on the "learning to drive" thing which i know you think is a Big Thing.
you've discovered precious things about yourself.
you're learning how to live a life of warmth and love and acceptance.
you feel content most times.
you're great & i love you.

i swore i'd chase until i was dead.
i heard the streets were paved with gold.

my late grandfather loved me so much he threw out his cigarettes the second i was born

i still love i still love i still love

hello! it's been a while but here's a short update!

guess where life's bringing me?

spoiler: it's linguistics & multi-lingual studies @ NTU !!!

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna be a linguistics major!!!!!)

so very recently i went for the LMS FOC and it was wonderful, i think.

it was a big episode for this year, helped me discover a lot of things.

writing all this down it sounds excruciatingly mild, but it really truly did.

i found myself finding potentially long-term friends; finding answers to questions that've been hounding me; i found myself finding myself.

(plus my life in LMS seems very bright and promising & i'm so excited and in love with what i'm doing)

it's all very cryptic, i know, but now i feel like there's one huge truth about myself threatening to spill itself out of me...i don't know how to contain it, i wish to scream it to the earth and heavens (even though this would be hideously foolish and reckless and imprudent, etc etc etc...)

there's this thing virginia woolf wrote once, isn't there?, of how the deepest certainties are always soul-stirring and deadly and absolute.
this thought is what's been haunting me for days and days since, and i feel like i don't truly know what i'm to do with it, this certain truth of mine.

anyway, the day after the camp i came down with the worst throat and a fever & i think it was my body's way of telling me it needed rest after the flurry of 4 whole days of activity??
it was all cool tho.

on the edge of paradise

so does anyone else have a certain soundtrack to specific moments in Life?
a couple songs that just evoke a sense of nostalgia attached to distinct experiences?
just taking down some notes; here are some of mine.

for the first day of work: ridin' - lana del rey ft a$ap rocky
for bus rides home after midshifts: tennis court - lorde
for that horrendous period when i was a horrendously aggressive salesperson: jealous girl - lana del rey
for the victoria's secret next door: welcome to new york/new romantics - taylor swift
for the woman next door: love me like you do - ellie goulding
for the first time i ran the shop alone; for those 5am hours roaming a still sleepy airport: brooklyn baby - lana del rey
for the last week of work: old money - lana del rey

(it really is needless to say that i have been dedicating a fair bit of my time to lana's music.)

i must be boring you to death, i think, with excessive details of my ex-work, but i have to leave this somewhere.

heaven can't help me now

oh my goodness this place has been so sad and desolate but hey ! here I am now.

i realised i haven't really updated this blog much (not at all ha), and it's still fairly in the dark wrt my recent state of affairs.

well, blog, if you must know, i've finished with my A levels and i've already sent in a couple uni applications (the me of secondary school days would've been absolutely astounded knowing this; A levels??? uni???? work?????? UNI??????????). 

by now, i already have about 4 months of work experience at the airport & good god, i feel like i've emerged so much better as a person.

it was a wild experience and so many things happened, but it was one of the best decisions i've made for myself.
really, i am just here to write of how...changed...i feel, after four whole months of workity work.
(hold on tight this is all gonna be v messy and delirious-sounding.)

i'm just so proud of myself.
in the 4 months of salesperson-ing (at a goddamn Pandora store, no less) i gained so much experience.
i've become more open, better at dealing with people, at being more persuasive/assertive, more cool-headed, more adept at multi-tasking under stress; i've come to trust and put actual value in myself.
seemingly trivial things like customers asking me for my opinion, for example.
mere months ago i would've been highly doubtful about the accuracy of my judgement, too preoccupied thinking what if i'm wrong and problems happen bc of me. 
now it's a complete turnaround.
i am honestly amazed at myself, being able to answer questions with conviction and persuasion.
and i'm so ace at phone calls now??!?!?!???!?? 13 year old me would've been terrified.
heck, 18 year old me in dec '14 had marvelled at a friend's effortless ability to make phone calls to a goddamn pizza place - sweetheart did you know by now you've handled countless phone calls involving hysterical enraged customers, or help centres which you had to contact bc hey, the POS machine's suddenly acting up and you need to see that this is rectified asap and you're alone so you're in charge.

i was truly so successful at work it feels fucking amazing.
i'm thinking of how i completely 120%ed my sales target in february (>$75k in sales that's me) + being trusted with the shop key + p much caring for the store on my own (!!!!!!!!!) + all the pleased customers i've served (the best & most satisfying part tbh) etc etc etc the list is endless and recognising how good i was at my job feels glorious.
not to say i made 0 mistakes, which, i did, and oh boy did i make mistakes.
things like carelessness and silly panic that tripped me up and resulted in stupid things like items being left behind, undercharging customers...STUPID THINGS.
but i got up and learnt and improved.
and it was so incredible to realise, with each passing day, all the things i was actually capable of doing.
(oh my god i can open the store, i can handle an endless 7-hour stream of customers, and i can actually do the aforementioned alone)

okay the past few paragraphs have been so me-centric but i assure you my working environment was always ever so pleasant.
my coworkers were so great and easy to talk to and kind and accommodating and i am so fond of them???
i could've never achieved anything without their help.
god, i miss them so much.
(rave and his salesperson tips, his calling everyone "sister", his generous treats.
narmin and her bunny talk, her honeyed voice, her motherly ways.
polly and her easygoing manner.
emilie and her knowing-what-she-want-and-being-assertive-about-its.
etc.
etc.
etc.)

i love working at the airport, i do, i do!

there is a saying here that once you work at the airport, you'll never want to work anywhere else.

tbh....true.

it's so entrapping that place, and not in a bad way at all.

i adore the dynamic environment, the unusual waking hours, how you never see the same person twice, the traveller stories, the exclusivity of being able to enter the "restricted" transit area with a special pass, the being part of the Best Airport In The World, etc.... it's all so....... ♡~♡

i feel so blessed.

thank you, god, for letting such a good thing come my way.

i fully enjoyed what i did; took the good and the bad in stride.
this is truly such a big moment of pride for me.

tl;dr. I'm *amazed* at myself. I've accomplished things that I, with all my shyness and introversion, had never ever thought I could.

on my last day, my manager had asked me if i was looking so happy because it was my last day.
i hope she knows that i was/am happy because i had felt truly content - the experience was so, so satisfying, and i couldn't have asked for anything better.