this is not figurative, this is literally

Today I was hit with an identity crisis.

It came quite suddenly enough, I mean, I was on the bus from school to home, reading about Socrates and Plato and wondering why there is something rather than nothing (it was the book title, really) and then out of the blue, I mean, I was like.........pause.

I am a philosopher.

Okay..but no.

I cannot be a philosopher.

To be one means to question..things...and that might just include questioning religion and I cannot possibly go against religion, can I?

I am a 16-year old Singaporean Muslim girl , about to graduate from secondary school, and then after I will move onto junior college, and university possibly, get a decent-paying office job, find a good man, marry, settle down, start a family, have kids, raise them, grow old, die, which is, you know, the fate of almost everyone around me.

Except I don't want that to be my fate.

I am a philosopher.

I am a psychologist.

I am a romantic.

I am an adult.

I am a child.

And I am still a teen (SUCH a teen).

I am a hip-hop fan.

I am an 18th century girl.

I have no idea who I am.

I am such a mix of oddities and.

And I'm scared.

I am so terribly frightened because I feel so alone at where I am in life.

Perhaps I am even writing this in hopes that someone, anyone can come to me and tell me that they can relate to me, that they really, honestly understand where I'm coming from.

Perhaps someone can come and walk with me and tell me that I, too, may progress in life just fine, despite this hideously volatile concoction.

I do not know how to continue even though I am brimming with things to say.

And I am in danger of descending myself into the stage of belittling people.

But I love my life as it is.

I am just, so, so very glad at least that it is illuminated.

Well..not illuminated, really.

I just have no other word for it.

Just.

How can you feel so at ease with this life that you live?

It is an endless, droning cycle and you're not even trying to make use of it!

It is an artificial thing that we've created and how can you not think of why this is so?
How can you live so well and happy when you are all so lacking in knowledge and truth and..I don't know.

How can you live being so simple-minded and narrow-tracked?
Does no one else feel that to be so very singular?

That we are all living this life and..and we're here and..why?

We can just not be here and that's it.

And no one questions existence..none at all?

I am in such frustration.

You cannot even look at things that humans had not created and see the significance.

You lament over such misery but you fail to see that all remedy is around us.

People are so shallow.

And you know what?
I am too, because I am still an immature teen which you know what, completely contradicts my philosophical self?
Can no one understand why I feel so lost?

Once again, why are people so one-dimensional?

So you know what, I'm done, even though I'm really not but just for the sake of frickin closure, I'm so done with this.

smdfh.

Identity crisis.

Honestly.