everybody's yelling no

what would I call this period of my life
(because yeah, here we are
this is a whole new chapter
although I am uncertain still of how far in I already am into it
for all I know I might've had fallen into it quite unknowingly
it takes some time to accustom yourself to new things
but the newness of it all is starkly crisp and very discernible
it is like
being suddenly submerged in completely new waters
for the first few moments you're still a bit too much in shock to think anything of it
and all you may do is feel
but I am past that now, a little more seasoned to this
so this is me thinking)
it is a bit of sexuality-discovering, isn't it?
the word I am thinking of now is "embrace"
there is a lot of opening up on my part in accommodating all these new things
(haaa I love that pun)
there is a lot of self-exploration and
a lot of listening to your body and soul
and a lot of not inhibiting your own self.
I am not chiding myself for anything
(yet)
I am going to give myself this
it is still a very innocuous thing all in all
(the admiration of anyone I find attractive)
but all the same, it is a Huge Thing
and I am going to acknowledge that.

I am just glad that this time I do not feel the compulsion for
"wringing and wringing my wrists and fingers"
(which made me do baaad things to myself yesteryear
in desperation of purging the feelings)
bc of addled disorientation
(pun game strong today)
and pent-up frustration
and the not-knowing-how-or-what-to-feel
presently I am taking me through everything soothingly and kindly
and not hurting myself so
props to me.
(cue the smiley)

you're my wonderwall

pretty boys in pretty dresses I apologise I need a moment

we are the crowd

surround yourself with people 

who make you feel like anything is possible

who make you do the release-your-inhibitions thing

who make you feel good and happy.

*takes away sharp thing & kisses u gently on the forehead*

tonight
for every person whose spirit i've lifted
there are two whom i've failed to reach
so yeah i'm half smile half cry
but more cry maybe
and that makes the cry double.

terrified but i'm not leaving

i'm shivering and i feel like throwing up

this is actually very scary

what the fuck do i do

"you idiot"

well fuck
generally I am now discontent
and whatever happiness I'd felt
has presently dissipated
cheers to that.

bring back what once was mine

today I feel a little odd about things.
it's been an obscene mix of everything but
it kind of all boils down to
i am happy, and everyone else is not.

today also I had an exchange with a person
and maybe it gutted me
because it made me decide that
to everyone there are interminable layers
and it made me re-evaluate everything I know
(how I am; how I think, feel)
so really
I should be forgiving, I should be kind
(I should be a little less of a narcissist
has this been the right mechanism? idk
i make injudicious choices sometimes)
and now it is as if everything around me has become, without warning, impossibly fragile
I feel a sort of necessity to second guess things
tread lightly because surface glass may be precarious thin
underneath is a dark, turbulent mass of no-one-knows-what
and no one knows.
and if I weren't careful, if I were so unjustly, unknowingly brash
(with a person)
how messily would that glass shatter.

it is a little questionable exactly how
but by the end of tonight
I would have someone's life in my hands
(howhowhowfuck)
and there will be sad people out there but
I have someone's life in my hands???
is this a thing that should happen??
fuuuuuuuuck.

say a prayer to yourself

no I am not going to lie
my actual biggest, biggest fear right now
is the end of harry&louis' relationship.
wow talk about priorities but
it helps me through a lot
like it makes me smile a lot
and puts my mind off things
it...gives me purpose?
if it ends just like that
things will be
bad
(this is an understatement
I will be absolutely wrecked).
((or you can say
I'd lose my...direction.))

so this week I am not particularly in love with blindgossip.

a mixtape with all the songs that you hate

wow this is new
this being a deep low from which I seem unable to lift myself out of so
ok.

stupid in love

what the fuck
I was down for like two solid days
at the prospect of infidelity between harry/louis
what is that supposed to even fucking mean

my new nickname is "you idiot".

no pain is forever

rihanna is so so so so attractive what
like
her pour it up video
what
what
what

i think of kissing girls a lot.
i like girls.
i like boys too.
but for now i like girls a bit more.

girls.

you don't love me, big fucking deal

(crude unpolished raw idk just disgusting and bad language by that I mean basic)

presently I am just generally a little discontent.
I am terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible at texting.
here's a tip: if you want me to reply to something urgent text me don't use whatsapp whatsapp uses up mobile data which I disable most times when I'm out also it is annoying.
no but really.
whatsapp is absolutely terrifying.
people get to know if you are online; they see your last-seens.
they even know when you're typing??? !!
(which is creepy a little and very inhibiting!!!!!!!)
it's just...so unwelcome when you just don't want attention.
like.
when I intend to make a recluse of myself
I do not wish for people to know gdi.
when I slip away I want to be able to do that without people realising ffs I hate whatsapp so much.
and they'd know when you're online and if you do not reply to a message they'd be like
OooOOoohHh whwhYHWY ISi sSHEH Not aReplyung????
dOoeso eshe Hatee Meem or SOemtheing????
no friend I just really don't want to talk to people not anyone not even you it's not you it's me get over yourself.
unless it is something legitimately important.
or maybe I actually really don't like you idk.
but otherwise like hello unnecessary obligation????
and then there will be this huge huge mental task reminder that is to reply to whatever message like I don't actually want to talk to anyone not even you sod off????
feels like I have no choice in what I do tbqfh.
simply put I feel like there is this ubiquitous demand for me to communicate with everything at once every second and I hate that sO MUCH.
I frickin hate instantaneous communication and it is with quite a fiery passion.
give me space give me space give me space
(let me indulge myself with solitude whenever & wherever I please)
if you want to talk to me do it face-to-face
write letters
tEXT.
everything transcribes easier this way
I fuckin hate spending minutes typing long messages on a device when the same thing can be verbally expressed in less than 10 seconds.
and y'know at least with text messaging no one watches your every move f UCK.
and you have all the time in the world to type something bc no pressure no one knows when you're typing or when you're not or whatev you do what you wanna do when you wanna do and I think that's beautiful.

in a stupid nutshell
don't whatsapp me

wait
does anyone actually read whatsapp statuses
bc for weeks mine's been saying
(don't talk to me unless /absolutely/ necessary x)
liKE HOW NICE I EVEN PUT AN X THERE.
but yeah ok.

aLSO
(i'm sorry)
if you'd used my twitter in attempts to reach out to me
(by that I mean reminders to check messages!!!!! which I hate!!!!)
you can be p sure that I hated you for about ten minutes.
like no friend
stay out my mentions if it's nothing related to twitter content.
pm me at most, but mentioning is a no-no.
twitter's not the place to make me feel obliged to do things
twitter is where I am in control
and it is where stray thoughts gather
and it is where others respond to them
or lay bare their own stray thoughts
to which I may respond.
that is all that is it
me on twitter is me in my own garden
do not infiltrate it.

fireworks at the end of the day

this is going to be the first and last thing/complaint wrt school things by school things I mean project work.

don't look through things

and ask

why is this so bad

just because you see

tons of comments

while other sections

are relatively clean

because

I want to remind you again
of who had to rewrite nearly every page
and who
wrote the good sections that
are relatively clean
and then after of who
offered so little useful input
and yeT WAS STILL SUFFOCATINGLY PATRONISING
?????????
LIKE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
?????????
STOP ACTING AS IF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS ARE PIVOTAL
?????????
BC ATM THEY'RE NOT
?????????
AND I'M THE ONE ACTUALLY DOING SOME GOOD
(WITH THE HELP OF LIKE TWO OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF FOUR BUT YEAH)
?????????
????????????????

frick me this written report thing is like
my baby
you don't get to mess it up ha ha.

drifting peacefully

who's gonna catch you now,
who's gonna catch you now,
running so far away, so far away.

can't risk losing in love again

Ok.
So today has been an odd day.
(maybe because I spent it reading this infidelity fic
I have fuckin love-hate relationships with infidelity fics I swear
fuck
like
if it is captured and portrayed right
the whole concept of infidelity
grazes you in a lot of ways
and the pain it leaves behind both stings and fascinates)
I have this rant draft saved but it is choppy and disjointed and ugh.
it is too raw and it doesn't make sense.
so it will go unpublished, I suppose.
um but I just want to say this.
that
once again I have no fuckin idea why I care about one direction at all
like I really don't
it is an aggressive self-inquisition
but most days I put it aside
just
I have really vehement opinions on them okay.
like fangirling aside
I can quite literally have a proper sit-down with tea and all
and instigate an intellectual discussion on matters revolving around this stupid-ass boyband.
and
if you are not ready to deal with them opinions
don't fucking talk to me about one direction
don't shit on me about them
don't think you know things about them that I don't because that would be an insanely foolish assumption.
don't tell me to tone it down
(although I already try to, when I talk about them, when it is brought up and I have to react)
take me seriously for fucks sake.
come to me about one direction when you have an open heart and mind
or if you want to do something else besides dry-heave over their stupidly beautiful idiotic lovable selves.
because I do like talking about them a lot without feeling inhibited.
and I just really really really really love one direction will hound you the heck down if you talk shit about them in front of my face.
this has been a Serious Thing & I hope you respect that thank u.

okay im sorry im sorry im sory im soryr i didnt mean it to coem off thsi sharp i jsut
i feel out of sorts
and
i am just going to distance myself
from this
like
walk away
from mself
ok
goodnight

in other news
i really hate the one direction twitter fandom
with a passion
fuck

running so far away

*twirls around happily because*
beach - san cisco
taro - alt-j
west coast - coconut cecords
she changes the weather - swim deep
sad dream - sky ferreira

you take your time, young lion

ugh just kill me now

♡♡♡♡♡

He looks so young in the morning light that slants through the windows; hair sticking up in odd directions and clothes slightly rumpled from sleep. His dark eyelashes cast shadows against his sharp cheekbones, and there’s bruising beneath his red-lined eyes from a not entirely restful sleep and barely any of it. He’s such a contradiction, such an impossible mix of smooth and sharp, soft and firm, pretty and rugged. Harry wishes he had ten hours more to memorise every contour of his face and every curve of his body with his mouth and hands – every line of muscle and every stretch of skin – and then ten, ten thousand times over again.

a little bit of These Road We Stumble Down

my life is a play

i live my life inside a dream
only waking when i sleep.
if i could sell my sorry soul
i would have it all.