everybody's yelling no

what would I call this period of my life
(because yeah, here we are
this is a whole new chapter
although I am uncertain still of how far in I already am into it
for all I know I might've had fallen into it quite unknowingly
it takes some time to accustom yourself to new things
but the newness of it all is starkly crisp and very discernible
it is like
being suddenly submerged in completely new waters
for the first few moments you're still a bit too much in shock to think anything of it
and all you may do is feel
but I am past that now, a little more seasoned to this
so this is me thinking)
it is a bit of sexuality-discovering, isn't it?
the word I am thinking of now is "embrace"
there is a lot of opening up on my part in accommodating all these new things
(haaa I love that pun)
there is a lot of self-exploration and
a lot of listening to your body and soul
and a lot of not inhibiting your own self.
I am not chiding myself for anything
(yet)
I am going to give myself this
it is still a very innocuous thing all in all
(the admiration of anyone I find attractive)
but all the same, it is a Huge Thing
and I am going to acknowledge that.

I am just glad that this time I do not feel the compulsion for
"wringing and wringing my wrists and fingers"
(which made me do baaad things to myself yesteryear
in desperation of purging the feelings)
bc of addled disorientation
(pun game strong today)
and pent-up frustration
and the not-knowing-how-or-what-to-feel
presently I am taking me through everything soothingly and kindly
and not hurting myself so
props to me.
(cue the smiley)