diamonds on my neck

"I hope someday you will fall in love."
(sincere, genuine, doe-eyed)
"thank you."
(quiet, hushed, tight-lipped)

I can't creative-write anymore.

take that money, watch it burn

old, but I'm not that old

young, but I'm not that bold

This sends through my mind furious images of wild-haired, daisy-crowned girls in long olive skirts whirling around bonfires with tambourines in their hands.

something in your eye

OOOkay. Okay.
Okay.
Had my first brush with the K-pop fandom on tumblr.
Apparently SHINee has very, very, very, very similar ships to 1D.
As in the band members and their roles and their pairings - they all match up to a T.
How so very fascinating.
But not fascinating enough for me to go exploring, though, thank God for that.

I wonder if I should explain why I ship what I do.
I ship Larry as a romance, because do I even have to elaborate here.
Ziam as a...uh. Hm.
I ship Ziam as a..one-way romance, or an otherwise very frustrating bromance.
(Wow does that even make sense?)
Because Liam wants Zayn only as a best friend, but he can't run away from his feelings.
Zayn, on the other hand, is more overt.
It's complex.
There's a lot of deep, hidden unrequited love and feelings and ugh.
But Ziam is sweltering in fiction.
That is it.
(Larry and Ziam are different in the sense that Larry are just simply perfect soulmates, whereas Ziam is love.)
Zourry and Zouis are whore-ships.
(If..you get what I mean.)
These two ships just kill me.
Everything else, every other ship is a sweet, simple bromance.

Niall can never ever be romantically involved with the rest of the band because it is so painfully obvious he is straight as a ruler and he is just so cute and happy-go-lucky that any bromance with him is sickeningly sweet and merely platonic. (Sorry, Anis.)
Since Liam is most mature, he will be the one with the one steady relationship, so he will only be shipped with Zayn. That is it. No other. Done.
Now, Zayn's not like Liam. I'd like to think he is still this curious mofo fascinated with the Larry dynamics and goes to Louis sometimes. But he is never shipped with Harry romantically or whore-ically because that just doesn't happen.
Harry is practically dependent on Louis. God, he is head over heels in love with him, so Harry will never dare do anything that doesn't please his One True Love. Like Liam, Harry's only shipped with Louis.
Louis is most complex, I think. He treats Niall like a younger brother and Liam as an older one (so he'll be that annoying little kid bro, even though he's the oldest). Zayn's a friend and Harry is his little One True Love as well, so Louis does whatever to protect him. (This kinda explains why Harry is off-limits to everyone else but him.) And does whatever he can to make him happy. Well, he knows what makes Harry happy anyway. And I like to think of Harry in the Larry ship as a little innocent kitten who's in awe of Louis, and does whatever he is told  so he is a very whipped bitch.
Louis controls Zourry.

Told you Harry's off-limits.
(Dude, like, you can't even touch him without an intervention.)

Once again, you deserve awards if you've bothered reading that whole chunk.
It just felt necessary, though.
That is all, the end.

Now I am thinking of the JCs.
I'd like to go to NJC but I have no idea if I would ever be able to cope.
It's like being afraid of feeling regret a month later if I do get in, especially since I know NYJC is a just-right type of school.
Dear me.
But if anything, ACJC is out, definitely out.
And if I do consider AJC, it would be at the very bottom of my choices.
Wish I had seen CJC because it sounds quite rad but hello careless oversleeping.
Sheesh, man.

strumming on my heart strings

Tonight - last night, more like - I showered in the dark.

It was the first time I've done it voluntarily in the 10 years of living in this house.

It was good that I did; there was something strangely intimate about it, since it feels like you know your house that much more.

But it was also a therapeutic thing to do.

When your eyes are accustomed to darkness and there are only dark silhouettes and memory to aid you, it feels as if you are disconnected from your physical self.

Sure, you are consciously moving your limbs to get things done, but it felt like I was in my mind.

It was dark and silent - save the sound of running water - and my thoughts just got that much louder.

From lack of sight, you see and think less of your real being (that becomes more and more insignificant as that happens), and start to delve more into your soul.

Or at least, that was what it felt like.

But that is for when you want to think.

I think if I ever wanted to dissociate fully, I'd add a few lit tea-lights and have some kind of device softly playing Ed Sheeran in the background.

Also, it would be a longer shower, where I get to washing my hair.

I'd call it "Some Good Alone Time".

That would be perfect.

happy thoughts

These days I cannot find strength in me to entertain my social life, and I have been politely declining offers to go out.

For today, I am so very glad to have done so, as I had been hopelessly roiling in my Larry feels the whole day.

You only know so well that I stayed up the whole night last night reading the fanfic, and I only went to sleep at 6.

And thereafter, till 11 in the morning, my dreams revolved only around Harry & Louis.

(Okay I admit several other ships were present for unknown reasons idek why.)

It was the first thing I thought of when I awoke, and it was really not long before I took to reading the rest of the chapters that awaited me.

How about it required a lot of laying in bed with blankets and pillows around me whilst being immersed in gripping emotions that was the fanfic, until 1.

And then Anis came home.

I was scrambling to hide the evidence from her - a most avid Directioner - and clutching the laptop so close but she got it in the end and that's how she found out I am a closet Larry shipper.

And the rest of the day was spent most casually in the room with me just occasionally whimpering and crying and moaning because of the feels.

I'm moderately relieved I can finally express this with someone.

I say 'moderately' because a part of me is too proud to admit I really do ship Larry, especially since I have been stating defiantly that I DON'T for the past few months, and you know that that is a lie.

But...the feels.

It is not just Larry itself, but the fanfiction was also beautifully written.

No, it really is the most beautifully written one I have ever had the privilege of reading.

The style of writing, oh god, it was beautiful.

There was vagueness; it was writing from which inferences have to be made.

The wording and description were beautiful; it is not a languished, literal thing.

I had learnt many more beautiful words from reading it; the vocabulary was beautiful.

The plot was beautiful.
It really came across as something beautiful and believable and not tacky, so unlike the everyday fanfiction that you just know is exaggerated wishful thinking of a fangirl.

Everything was perfect, and I feel so reluctant to read another version of Larry, lest the images created shatter and become ruined.

And there was smut - but of course there will be smut.

Except there wasn't, not really.

It was hidden.

Hidden and so obvious at the same time.

It was a clever skill.
You could even call it clean smut, which really is an indignant oxymoron.

I promise you, there wasn't any, any vile words in it that one would normally consider hugely imperative while writing smut.

Not even the mildest ones.

None.

At.

All.

For which I am so thankful just because.

Is this silly?
I know you think it is, since it is, in the end, just a ship.

But really, halt!

It can't be, it really can't - I can almost assure you of that.

Enter the gifs.

He likes it.

Louis needs to stop staring so piercingly at Harry.

Harry needs to stop staring so piercingly at Louis.

But..but no one else in the band does this...

And you can't say this is normal best friend behaviour, can you.

Okay so I apologize for this sudden plague, but honestly.

I really am up for bromances; I mean, they are almost always charming things.

But Larry doesn't look like it is merely a bromance.

Oh no, it seems like it's precariously balancing between a simple bromance and an actual damn relationship.

It is not just how they are truly best friends, but how they actually act around each other.
They are as close as brothers, but if they considered the other like a brother...then they really wouldn't be that intimate.
(That would be creepy.)

Do (straight) males usually look at each other like that, with such fervent gazes of adoration, and share such tender acts?

No, don't even go to that last gif.

Don't even go there.

Platonic just jumped off a cliff.

That, or it got elevated to a whole new level.

Once again, my feels.

And you know my insides are not thinking so rationally (or irrationally).

You know that I'm internally going

"Larry Stylinson is reallll!!1! Omg what are they doing. stahp dis now.. They are killing the shit out of me. I'm going to go cry in a corner now because they are just that beautiful. Larry, stop. Stop!! :c"

Yeah, I def ship them hard.

And this feels odd.

Listening to Ed Sheeran is like listening to the songs that play while the credits roll at the end of a good movie.

It feels like my Larry high is ending.

It was good.

And tonight I am sleeping earlier.