the little red bird

I've been thinking a lot lately.
(Yes, I have THAT much time on my hands, harharhar. NO I'm joking lah puhlease. Who has time now huh?)

About myself, Life, People, etcetcetc.

When I was younger, I used to marvel at those with that ability to speak and write Chinese. I still do, but I don't think as much about how they did it.

In P3, I supposed that all those characters were magical, could transform themselves into English alphabets as and when they wanted to, to whoever they wanted to. How lucky the lucky ones were! I wished they would change for me, so I could myself decipher the mysteries of each stroke and shape.

But that thought has ceased to exist, of course, as one gradually matures and gets exposed to the real world; one where it is universally accepted that There Is No Such Thing As Magic, bless you.

Everything that labels itself to be? Yeah, well those are just illusions. Stunts. Fake. Unreal.

And then, for some reason, I started considering the thought that everything.. is not everything. That nothing is really happening. That no, you are really only one lone person with the whole world revolving around you and not any other way.

Maybe everyone knows that, and is forced into secrecy so that I may not find out. Find out that nothing exists, really.

Much like a fictional book. You are the main character, and everything revolves around you.

And in one book, there's only one story. When you add another different book, you have two stories, in no way identical. 2 different stories. 2 different universes.

2 main characters completely oblivious to the others' own adventures.

And.. Nothing is happening in real life, as much as the book is exciting, as much as it seems to breathe, move, love. It's not unfolding in reality.

So I wonder. What if that is what is happening to me?

Maybe I won't ever die. Even though I see it everywhere. Maybe it is just one of the things that happens to everyone else, but somehow, not to you.

Then I wonder. What happens to me?

Who created this whole complex system?

I apologise for this, but I question religion too.
(My God, I should stop now before I get any more ideas and get admitted to a lunatic asylum.)

I'm sorry. This is one long post about nothing, really. But I honestly have been wondering. It's hard to put into words and may, or may not, make any sense for I have tried to explain it to an acquaintance and I can't quite say she got the whole idea.