just peace, happiness & love

At the same time tho, I still like my ghetto side (if one can say that).
It is one of the numerous I have.
I think.

And what is this.
Am I starting to like One Direction?
Ehhhhh.
I think I like Up All Night by both One Direction(yes, really!) & Drake.
One Direction's is innocent and party-ish but Drake has got swag.
(I'll just use 'swag' even though it is very overused.)
And either way, I like Drake immensely more.

Oookay.
That's it.

in this very moment I'm king

For the past two nights successively I feel as if they have been in great disorient.

My dreams were comprised of nothing and yet everything.

But I shan't speak too elaborately on that.

Really, I should be truthful and admit that last night I disregarded completely my promise to "sleep at 10".

I started watching Lost In Austen - all 4 parts of it.

(Lost In Austen is incredible.

It is a fantasy series of a modern girl, Amanda Price, who inadvertently found herself in the 19th century, and in the company of the Bennet family and all the other characters((!!!)) and Elizabeth Bennet gets trapped in Amanda's London so the plot of her favorite book gets messed up and she had to try to fix things and stuff but it all ended so differently/interestingly.)

I think I am simply, absolutely smitten with Jane Austen and her writing and Pride & Prejudice.

You cannot possibly blame me; could you ever?

Ugh! I cannot describe it justly enough.

I love the romance, the poetry of the English then; how everything is a little disclosed.

Spoken English now is so.. I don't know.. crude!

It is so sharp and unpleasant and most definitely in-your-face.

Odious.

I read A Little Princess and got immersed in the elegant way of speech in the 1900s.

Then I go another century back to the 1800s in Pride & Prejudice and discover something a thousand times more extravagant.

I feel as if I were born 200 years too late.

Oh, I cannot.

I truly cannot.

I am thinking of how I can ever put into description how I feel about the language before.

But I must say I have taken to speaking a *little* bit more old-fashionedly because it pleases me.

Ahaha.

In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

This.

This is Darcy's declaration of love to Elizabeth.

You cannot deny that it is beautiful.

Amanda: You're staring at me, Caroline. It's a bit freaky.. *realises* ..Good grief.

Caroline: Charles told me your secret. It is my secret too. I shall get my paws on Darcy and I shall marry him.. because it is correct. And necessary and expected by everyone, including God. But the physical society of men is something I never sought. *advances nearer to Amanda* I should endure it with Darcy because endurance is a specialty of our sex. But the poetry of Sappho is the only music that shall ever touch my heart..though I have yet to play it on the instrument myself. *lightly touches Amanda's lips* I wanted you to know this. A little..sisterly communion.

What a twist (amidst thousands more).

Which is reason enough for why I love Lost in Austen.

Okay, yes.
You're welcome.

open the curtains to blinding light

"What you want, my dear, frightens you to death. That is why you fail to comprehend yourself."

crooked enough to make straight-jackets bent

Oh, dearest!
Something of a most unexpected nature has just occurred and its revelation, most distressing.
I feel like I ought to reason that I too, am in the midst of all its overbearing distress, even while normal circumstances would have ensured a fair degree of frivolity in this matter.
My sister is quite miserably vexed with the sudden loss of - if one can even put a finger around this - a much cherished bottle of fine face wash.
It had been disposed off senselessly by one of such a displaced mind, with no regard to the FULL contents of the bottle.
But the blame cannot be thrown onto just her alone for it must be owned that my sister was herself very careless in its handling.
It was regretful only because of the knowledge that the blunder could have been kept at bay and that there could have been neither side left with heavy guilt.
I feel as if I have a favor to fulfill for the sake of my sister's peace of mind, for despite the inability to retrieve what is presently lost, there is still a sliver of a chance to procure a replacement for the bottle.
I would have done it with little inconvenience if I had the means of getting it, but la! there is none.
I wish for a little money perhaps, to help me get along, but I suppose if sincerity (and a little exertion on my part) prevails, a little will certainly emerge.
It is quite worrisome, really, to see my sister so upset; it would be relieving to alter that state.
I think for her the bottle carried value for the luck (oh the irony for such an unlucky thing to befall onto her then!) it signifies, for she was able to own something so expensive - it was of a value of $85 - only by winning a kind of lucky draw.
How regretful this is - how regretful this all is!
Oh, feel for me, dearest! I am most anxious.


I had no reason before this to write, but I recognize no other way to vent the rage from the unfairness of the situation.
But I feel that rage only as sorrow for my poor sister, for whom I yearn only tranquility.
My well-being, on another hand, is presently fine, and I cannot wish for more upon myself.

take me apart piece by piece

So hello school.
Here we are again, are we not?
I pray that you will be kind and sweet to me even though I know that would be much, much more than I deserve.
xx

I'm alone on my throne

I think..everyone needs this one.
Stuck on replay; earpieces on.

greatness is what we on the brink of

I must remember this word because it is the second time in days I've searched for its meaning and that is certainly intolerable; an impertinence in itself!

soft your loves desire

"I am NOT tryna do this shit again."

LMAO.

"because i heard from backpack that y'all is stupid as fuck."

"Are you all fuckin' serious right now, like is this for real?
Man, you know what.
Yum yum yum, get the fuck out.
This aint delicioso."


Aww shucks I can't even.
Too funny.

mixtape legends, underground kings

I'm so disgusted.
Well as always, I have a million things to want to write about, but out comes nothing.
#lost.
#TalkToMePleaseDontHaveMuchToBelieveIn.
CAUSE WHAT THE FCK I NEED SOMEONE TO FCKING TALK TO IS THAT A FCKING PROBLEM FOR YOUR FCKING FACE.
oK. eeK. neveR agaiN.
what the hell i think im confused.
i dont wanna live anymore.
this sucks.
):

she be going way too hard, someone has to intervene.


ok.
1. amanda bieber lol bitch has a bigass problem.
2. role-reversal.
3. i dont wanna go back to school that place scares the shit out of me right now.
4. best friend.
5. i wanna be a kid again.
6. shit im demotivated i need to get my shit together or something like that.

might look like i care, but only on camera.


i wanna flip me some tables.



aww shucks this is too damn bloody funny.

7. i wanna be ghetto & shit.

make that broke bitch bitter

Niggas with no money act like money isn't everything.
I'm having a good time; they just tryna ruin it.
Shout out to the fact that I'm the youngest nigga doing it.


Bracelets sayin' you should quit; cards sayin' fuck your life.


Fame is like a drug that I've taken too much of.
I never ever trip; just peace, happiness and love.


I'm about whatever man.
Fuck what they be talkin' 'bout.
They opinion doesn't count.
We the only things that matter, oh.
So we do it how we do it.
All up in your face, man, I hate to put you through it.
I be up all night, whole crews in here.
'Cause I don't really know who I'mma lose this year.
Oh, man I love my team.
Man I love my team.
I would die for them niggas, oh.

I think I'm gonna trip.

stay on the greenest greens

Yum.
This is almost tangible enough to eat.
Ahahahahhah this goes so hard you don't even know.
It goes so hard.
The beats so damn bloody good.
Nicolette, I still can't believe you like this too?
Hahaha.
I feel like.
Dying.
From.
This.
And.
I.
Want.
B.o.B.'s
Album.
Please.

I just wake up and then I roll up the purp.
But these niggas woke up on my d.ck at least have some breakfast first.
Nigga, keep your nourishment first.
And your mind on my lyrics.
'Cause what you hoping to accomplish,
I already did it, bitch!

Young Money till the death of me.

Omg.
Just.
God.

I'm already fangirling from this.
From THIS.
Imagine if I really, really went to a real Nicki concert..!
And then she shoots verses from songs from way back then...!
And then I'd go mad........!
This is like.. kiafgbaiusdbvkavbk!
Make Me Proud + Bottoms Up (BOTTOMS UP!!) + Up All Night (Yes! YES, REALLY, YES!) + My Chick Bad + Roman's Revenge = Explosion of awesome
AWESOME.
Amazing, incredible.
I can't even..
*tears to my eyes*

Ooohhh imagine if she did Monster..........

I can now sleep with happy thoughts.
:)

Fuck I look like, hoe?
I look like yes & you look like no!

still I ask myself

it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge

Yesterday was quite special.
I got a rose quartz crystal for myself.
I don't know why I did but I saw it and I was all, "Okay, I'm getting that."
Hmm.
What I'm hoping for, see, is that it will gently draw off negative energy and replace it with loving vibes.
Which, I have much reason to believe, is what I need.
Peace, tranquility, self-acceptance, love, and whatever else that is good and positive.

Emotionally, Rose Quartz is the finest healer. Releasing unexpressed emotions and heartache and transmuting emotional conditioning that no longer serves, it soothes internalised pain and heals deprivation. If you have never received love, Rose Quartz opens your heart so that you become receptive. If you have loved and lost, it comforts your grief. Rose Quartz teaches you how to love yourself, vital if you have thought yourself unlovable. You cannot accept love from others nor love them unless you love yourself. This stone encourages self-forgiveness and acceptance, and invokes self-trust and self-worth.

Anyway, B.o.B is cool.
I have a growing fondness for his songs.
And for Kanye West.
And for Jay-Z.

This time won't you save me?
Baby, I can feel myself givin' up.

Oh good God is there really no school next week??
It feels too unreal.
I would want to wake up to rain some morning.
I think we all need some rain.

'I am growing quite fond of him,' she said to Ermengarde. 'I should not like him to be disturbed. I have adopted him for a friend. You can do that with people you never speak to at all. You can just watch them, and think about them and be sorry for them, until them seem almost like relations. I'm quite anxious sometimes when I see the doctor call twice a day.'

last name Ann, first name Raggedy.

Oh but I must also say,
Thank you ever so much for giving us our fair share of alacrity with the joke of a display you put up.

life on the edge; I'm dangling my feet

Now on my bed in the morning doing random crap.

Which is good because I need this tranquility after encountering a most irksome week.

What an odious, unsatisfactory disposition to have one contend with!

An unnecessarily fixed head to deal with, and one which doesn't put forward ideas sensibly at that.

I beg you of your pardon but I can't even..

So I'm now thanking Alyssa for blogging about it like I told her to because she does it better.

I cannot, I possibly cannot, have to immerse myself in such simple-minded naïveté, or should I put very simply, just plain stupidity on her part.
I do not comprehend how a person of age is unable to fathom sarcasm.
And considering how my letter was quite subtly acid in its tone.
So, well.
Goodness me.
(This friendship is over!)
((Oh, but for the love of God, miss, do NOT bring up a friendship in such silly, frivolous matters!))

In other news, Pride & Prejudice is, what I can only say, most charmant.
I have tried reading Emma once last year but I suppose I wasn't ready for Austen.
But this time, Austen comes across to me so clearly, so delightfully, I can understand now how so many before me have grown to love her writing.
If you ask me, I can certainly see myself reading this over and over and over again.

To such perseverance in wilful self-deception Elizabeth would make no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew; determined, that if he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering encouragement, to apply to her father, whose negative might be uttered in such a manner as must be decisive, and whose behaviour at least could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female.

This is a funny, funny paragraph because I don't even know why.
Mr Collins is just, in today's words, some desperate lad in denial.

'Pride,' observed Mary, who piqued herself upon the solidity of her reflections, 'is a very common failing I believe. By all that I have ever read, I am convinced that it is very common indeed, that human nature is particularly prone to it, and that there are very few of us who do not cherish a feeling of self-complacency on the score of some quality or other, real or imaginary. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonimously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.'

Well! a most clever observation, I should own.

maybe she won't then again maybe she will.

You Only Live Once: That's the motto, nigga, YOLO.

People know this is where YOLO came from.. right?

regret got shit on what you feelin now.

Had about the crappiest journey home ever so screw that.

Other than that, had a funny, decent day in school.

Oh goodness, this is an injustice to what had been happening to me for the past 3 days.
But okay.

save me from the nothing i've become.

mentally, physically, emotionally.

I be like your medicine; you take every dose of me

I miss this song.
I love this to the moon and back.
Ahahah omg save me from this please.
I need to make a playlist or something.

sweeter than a rice cake

Oh ouch another headache.
I wish I would just get a fever to get it all over and done with please.
Been taking I-don't-know-what pills since last week already and I'm still just..damn.
I just want to be sick.

with the candles lit and the lights low

God I love this so much like omg omg omg.
adsfghjk.
:(

let's meet at our favourite spot

I did it!
I managed to go the whole day on minimal!
And it helped (haha) that when I went home, I just dropped myself onto the bed and slept for hours.
It feels quite a satisfying thing to have done.

with an open heart

I think I will be quite starved today. But then again I suppose if one has no time, no means and no intention of wanting to eat, then eating must be out of the question. Hmm. It doesn't help that I've forgotten so much.

is this what I get for putting you b-s on?

I am so fragile nowadays.

Why is that so?

Only this morning I cried again and if I speak more, surely you will see its logical reason.

Promptly at 6am, my alarm sounded.

It was a lovely, subtly jumpy tune, and I had chosen it so very carefully after deciding that 1) it will not blast me from my sleep 2) it will not lull me back into sleep with dull monotony and 3) I will not get sick of it so soon.

Well that aside, at 6am I was still dreaming.

I can remember that because I certainly recall having the wisps of the amusing dream getting laced by something that does not feel ethereal.

I say that because anything you dream may feel real, but they also always feel untrue.

It's like some small part of you tells you if what you are thinking is really true in real life.

And when you dream, you still know it's not really happening.

So the music starts to play, and even though it's soft and I'm faraway in my dream, it is reaching me and twines around everything and I know it is time to awaken.

And real life sets in and I slowly bring myself to consciousness.

When you open your eyes to darkness after being woken up so kindly, sweetly, it feels perfect.

The darkness feels like it is pregnant with a million possibilities for the day.

And with the warmth of the dream, dying, but still presently pacifying your thoughts of having to face another harsh day, it feels perfect.

The morning is perfect when you so gently awaken.

Then suddenly the door opens and you hear someone fumbling around for the light switch and it's not the one for the lazy night light, it's for the blinding ceiling lamp and when it's lighted up all the beauty of the morning is snatched away; the remnants of whatever dream you have had dies behind your eyelids as the light take over; you are thrown into full consciousness and you realise that yes, yes you live in reality so wake the hell up now.

Thence, if you please, pardon me for weeping for the lost beauty of the morning; the beautiful, innocent morning.

not much to do but talk and listen

And I must also say.
If you would like me to be so truthful and be no one to tell falsehoods, yes, I do have a horrid temper.
Almost always I feel like tearing things apart, throwing harmless, innocent objects around to send them flying.
Most times I tiptoe on the edge of a rage.
Well let's just say I'm angry.
I'm angry, furious, I don't know why, I know why.

you need everyone's eyes just to feel seen

If you please, miss, but half the pupils were not quite late, not really.

How darling! - what a darling way to write!

And I suppose if I wake up in the morning with a raging mind the voice in the head speaks in the lovely, old-fashioned way.

4 June, Monday

7.45am

Perhaps I should write.

Perhaps when one is in a heavy, contemplative mood and carrying such a loathsome weight in the soul, one should write.

Thence I am, and such a thing cannot be denied.

Half the time, is I must be as honest, half the time I know not what I am doing. My temper is hardly commendable and my manners are a disgrace. Perhaps I would never be so disgruntled if I didn't know, but I do. It is insight, and I feel as if too much of it would catalyse my demise. 

Now I am wondering if I am skirting about just to harbor myself from what it is I know is disturbing my mind. Or do I not know? Perhaps so, because now I truly do not.

Where do I go from here, for I am lost.

It's a dangerous, cruel world outside, but fewer know how much worse it is within.

I haven't written any more.