there's no escape; might as well face it

This feels oddly liberating.

Having this locked away - even for a tiny while - makes me feel like I am free to say whatever I want.

And not have to fray myself with thinking of immediate possible reactions the unseen readers might have.

This is great.

bet you thought that I was soft & sweet

Well, dearest, I am definitely sure that what you've sent me to read is smut.

It is a little odd and strangely amusing; none of my friends (friends?) have ever told me to read smut.

We've never even spoke of it.

But then again, I suppose this would have to be one of your lessons for me.

You've said so yourself.

You are always teaching me things.

And you had always been older (even if it's just by months) and more experienced - would I say you are clever?

Well, perhaps not explicitly clever, just..hm.

I've always admired you, somewhat.

Sigh, okay.

Either way, thank you for the fic.

It is long overdue but I've only just managed to read it wholly.

Maybe I would.

Baby, I ain't talking books when I say that I can take you across the borders.

hold on until it's over

When the cab drove away from the door, Sara was sitting on the floor of her sitting-room, with her hands under her chin and her eyes following it until it had turned the corner of the square. Emily was sitting by her, and she looked after it, too. When Miss Minchin sent her sister, Miss Amelia, to see what the child was doing, she found she could not open the door.

'I have locked it,' said a queer, polite little voice from inside. 'I want to be quite by myself, if you please.'

before I played it, you knew my hand

Part of me just wants to die right now.
Urgh.

you can be my black Kate Moss tonight

I just don't Get It.
Everyday I am so easily tired.

I wish I would stop being so exhausted all the time.

And.
I have one huge crush on B.o.B.
xx.

I don't even know why you girls bother at this point, like.

Ahhh I am getting more and more tired everyday.

And it is only Tuesday!

Sigh, I try to get along.

Eesh.

Waking up at 5am every morning and sleeping at 11 isn't very agreeable.

So I try to get some shut eye during recess and keep metabolism to a dreary minimum but hear, permit me to get this off my chest.

I TRY to get some shut eye but it is very difficult because, well.

We eat in class all the time, and it has, too, become a custom for me, and hey, I don't mind.

I don't really give a damn if you eat your bread, or your chips, or your biscuits, or your apples, or your cookies, or your chicken, or drink your water, or your tea, or your coffees.

I mean, I really don't mind.

Like, I actually get annoyed if you apologize for eating.

Can you please just eat?

OK? but you know what is so NOT okay?

I have these girls bringing in like, literally, a huge container of steaming hot noodles or rice or.

Good God.

Meals.

They have like, MEALS in the classroom.

For heaven's sake.

Am not kneeling for pity but really, have some empathy?

I am trying to forget my hunger?
You're deceiving my senses?

Have you never tried not eating for a whole day?

EESH.

Self-restraint is what I need.

But it's hard and I feel like going on an ALL-CAPS RAGE.

And I too wonder if I'm Doing It Wrong.

I wonder if they read this blog and think,

"Knows she not her prelims are coming? Delusions, I say! She is not living in the present!"

or in more basic terms.

"The f's up with this kid."

square root of 69 is 8 some, right?

It is Ramadan again!
I am quite glad.
I feel as if I have a lot of things to do with myself.
I've felt empty for so long perhaps I should start nourishing myself.


Magical things have happened to me the past week.
I know this might be sounding silly, that I must sound a little deranged, but it is true.


One of the more intolerable days I had all the songs I wished for playing on the radio.
And today.
Today I was at the library counter and what do you suppose I saw!
It was the audio book of A Little Princess!
Really, it was unshelved and laid so unassumingly on the table I felt as if it were waiting for me.
It was, wasn't it?
It was for me, and I could not get myself away from it.
I could never have let it go.
It was not quite satisfactory presently to have it now since the circumstances are SO undesirable but what else could I have done?
It was there, it really was, and lying in wait for me.


'Oh, papa!' she cried. 'There is Emily!'


A flush had risen to her face, and there was an expression on her green-grey eyes as if she had just recognized someone she was intimate with and fond of.


'She is actually waiting for us!' she said. 'Let us go in to her.'


I took it with me because it must have meant something for it to emerge so abruptly.
You see, coincidences don't just happen.
Perhaps it meant a way to take away my emptiness, I don't quite know.


And I think everyone's breaking down.
Ahaha I don't know what to say, really.
I'm just thinking it because so many are, too.
Just a few days ago Farah & I were moping about our..future.
It was funny because it was at the end of some long crappy day and we were so drained we sounded drunk.
Drunk people talk is always funny.

it's funny how you could always make me feel small

You succeeded at your attempts to make me 
need you desperately to vindicate me.

throw some shade if you look good

I cannot stand this.



Why is she so cute.

So she collab-ed with B.o.B. too.
Another reason to get Strange Clouds.

Okay 30 minutes up time to go.
x

this innocence is brilliant

God, who remembers Avril Lavigne's Innocence?
I love/d that one.

I am missing tons of old songs.

Ahh.

Okay.

I eat her ice-cream, she eat my ice-cream cone

Omfg.
Take it to the head.

drinking champagne on the airplane

Rad.
#SWERVE

I would never do nothin to let you cowards fuck my world up

I just need refuge.

Eesh.

Eminem is cool too.

that's real money

Okay so when I grow up I'll make sure I can cook and sew or something.
Imagine your kids having to eat outside food all the time.
And like, they have to ask the maids for food.
"Mom, what's for dinner today?"
"I don't know, I don't cook!"
Disgraceful.
And it would be Malay food, too.

inception is the only felony

I have a lot of things I am thinking of.

First, I want and need Roman Reloaded.

So much.

I had been trying to save up for it but I've never managed to.

)':

I am literally a PF:RR celibate.

I've been starving myself of any song from there.

I am going to keep on abstaining until I get that album.

The only ones I've listened to are those Nick released, or made a video for, or promoted.

I mean, I haven't even allowed myself to acquaint with the studio version of Roman Holiday.

Pound The Alarm is now released.

Nicki's gonna release the mv for it soon.

I never wanted to listen to it yet.

But.

It came on.

And when into the first few seconds.

I knew.

It was Nick on the radio.

It was a new song.

It was something I've never heard.

It was 'Pound The Alarm'.

My instincts were right.

And I don't know why I tortured myself by making me listen to it when I'm not meant to.

I need Roman Reloaded.

B.o.B's amazing.

Strange Clouds is another album I'd like to have.

I wasn't really impressed with the first, but god.

He's so much better now.

He has Lil Wayne & Taylor Swift collab-ing with him (prudence!).

And he's great, k?

Jay-Z & Kanye together are amazing.

They make.

THE best songs.

I like Kanye West.

I really, really, really, really, really do.

Omg.

I love, love, love Take Care.

I don't know how, but I'm still so fascinated by it.

Listening to it is like watching a concert.

There are interludes; the songs flow; stories are told.

And I don't know how Drake does it either, but he makes rap art.

I think I'm having terrible mood swings.

Today especially.

I had coffee in the morning - it was good.

Then my mind was awake but my body was too weary for words.

My body gets really exhausted easily nowadays.

I don't know why.

Is it because of my sleeping time?
That can't be, right, I mean I sleep so early now.

Oh right.

I don't eat because I have no f-cking time.

It's a damn luxury now to even have time to eat proper meals in school.

Fck fck fck fck fck fck fck.

I'm jealous of them kids who could afford to eat well.

Because the f-ck can't I do that when you can?

I am hell annoyed right now.

Even more so 'cause I can't rant to anydamnbody.

So what I really feel like doing now is really fly into some rude-ass rage.

See, hun, my f-ing problem here is.

My mood swings are irrational, ok?

I can go for an hour feeling all the peace of the world with this faraway dispatched smile I can't bloody remove for some reason because I really do feel so happy even though I know I had nothing to be happy for.

So my other damn problem is how people seem to want too much to break these.

Hell, bit, are you truly so bent on wanting to make me mad?

Insolence; impudence!

Quit it; pause!

Because I get hella outraged when I have my damn happiness snatched away like it was nothing.

How dare you - how dare you!

When I become happy, when I actually become happy, I feel like I can't ask for more.

These times come randomly.

Walking in the light rain and then Blood comes on because the lilting, sweet tune accompanies perfectly.

Feeling dew of the leaves on my hands.

Sharing food with friends in the classroom.

Knowing my angel is actually helping me.

Listening to an amazing song on max.

Having amazing teachers.

Then some thing just has to crop up and f-ck everything up.

Well okay, so I'm not feeling well right now.

I think I am disassociated with my reality, and that is the truth.

I am deceiving myself.

Sly bitch.

pound the alarm

Content.

But I need Roman Reloaded NOW.

like it's do or die

Okay, but
I don't think I can live without you.

stop fearing the consequence

Okay, look, I'm honest.
Girl, I can't lie I missed you.
You & the music were the only things that I commit to.


I can tell that you've been crying all night.
Drinking all summer.
Prayin' for your happiness.
Hope that you recover.

Shot For Me, Drake

overdose on confidence

May the neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
Angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
Shot For Me, Drake

now all I want is peace

Miraculous.
It is the only word to describe it.


Last night, in the bathroom, I was just removing my ear studs before the shower.
Very, very carelessly, I dropped one of them onto the floor.
I was all "oh shucks", naturally, and so went on my knees searching for the tiny golden pieces.
I found the rose stud easy enough, but its backing..!
It was nowhere..nowhere.
I was thinking of how impossible it was for it to have disappeared so suddenly.
I shook the mat, searched my clothes, my hair, the floor, the gaps under the door and cabinets, every possible inch of the bathroom.
And it was still just not there.
How strange, and I was getting majorly frustrated.
(I cried the tiniest bit.)
It would not be the same; the set is incomplete without the essential support.
Everything had come to me together, and it was supposed to stay that way.
I mean, I know I can get some other backing for it, but it would not be the same.
The ear studs would be ruined and spoiled.
They wouldn't be perfect anymore.


I was a little bit in despair and helplessness, so this is what I said:
"Dearest guardian angel, will you please help me find it? I am so sorry for troubling you with such a menial task, but I need it so much for all to be right again. You really don't have to do it if you find it too trivial, but I would love to have it back."


Afterwards I didn't feel as bad.
I mean, a little calm, even.
Like I could just let it all go and not have to worry about it anymore.


How unusual, isn't it then, that as I was in the bathroom again tonight, and in the shower area where there was almost no possibility of the tiny, tiny backing being there because it could never have flung itself through the glass doors, I found it.
Actually I felt something small and solid under the sole of my foot.
I tried not to get my hopes up.
But I looked.
And.
There it was.


Impossible.
It could never have happened.
I had searched the whole bathroom, and I promise that I meant that literally.
Something that small.
What are the odds, right?
How could it have appeared suddenly in such a vulnerable position near the shower drain, and survived a full 24 hours without getting washed down, or kicked away or something like that.


Okay.
I really have a guardian angel.

how i'm feeling, it doesn't matter

I do not wish to celebrate my birthday.

I've been thinking about it for an excessively long period, really.

But I've thought it through and through and it is presently cemented.

There is nothing I am looking forward to.

16 does sound sweet, it is not to be revoked, and no one - absolutely no one - knows how much I have been dreaming of reaching this age all my life.

Growing while surrounded with romantic, Disney-princess ideas have made concrete the natural expectation of being kissed lightly by sudden blessings of this coming-of-age.

Oh but la!

Everything has come to this.

This.!

Shan't I repine, then?

I have been cleverly deceived.

That is still not the point.

Oh hell let me just say this straight.

I do not feel deserving of anything.

This..birthday thing..is hardly anything to my taste right now.

I do not want it.

I have been reminded too many times.

"Oh, you! I have been preparing your birthday present since last year!"

Please don't.

Please..no.

I am not deserving of it.

Do you now see how much of an injustice on your part it would be if you took too much effort?

I am not deserving of your effort, of your kindness, of your thought.

And will you please, stay away from me.

Flee quickly, for if you stay, I think you will only lose.

Do not cling to any hope.

I've been a terrible person to you.

Do you really want to do so much for someone like me?

Please, I beg of you, no.

Run away, hurry! do not take notice of me.

You will only get choked by the daft indifference and unconcern which I will irrevocably impose unto you.

Please don't do anything for me.

let a real nigga make it right

You don't deserve the sting for all your kind deeds to me.

the reason why my best friend said she love me more than life but i live a double life and need to let her go

I do not want a birthday.

I do not need the sudden spring of affection and attention - it is utterly unnecessary.

I think I'd rather fade into the background.

I do not want the noticing.

I do not want the insincere presents which I know will come.

I do not want the overdose I have not worked enough for.

and I don't wanna trip over what aint mine

If I get anything, I will cry.

bridge over troubled water; ice in my muddy water

There is something else too.

I am completely sick, revolted, of doing exceedingly kind, good things for someone - you must remember I am not obliged to it and can, at any time, decide to give dust as thoughtfulness - and have the most parched kind of appreciation.

What, are you dry of courtesy?

I have spent more than a week doing that and received less than a minute's worth of gratefulness.

much rather spend it all on that OVO and that XO

Well, thank you kindly then!

Everything is overrated.

Screw this shit; I don't want to be part of it.

it's my birthday, i get high if i want to

And this birthday, I would be at perfect ease if it were treated like another average, mediocre, uninspiring day.

I do not want extravagance or thoughtless gifts.

I'd much rather bask in a mutual, friendly affection I would like to think I've already acquired.
Or otherwise, at most, I would just use it as a cunning way to get the shoes or albums that I want.

These are birthday favors, are they not?
I think it is quite universally acknowledged that these kind of favors are ones which can rarely be denied.

looking in the mirror i'm embarrassed

i'm feeling like a suicidal terrorist

mercy

The sky looks mad when it rains at night. It turns an ugly shade of yellow. Tonight it is raining with quick, frequent interruptions of lightning and the occasional intrusion of thunder. How apt the rain must be tonight.

sophisticated ignorance

Today was quite a beautiful day.
If you asked me, I would have possibly said my guardian angel was right by my side all day.
Ahaha :)


The moral to the story is Life's treating you like dry sod?
Kick it back in its face, my god!

write my curses in cursive

I am filled with such monstrous disdain. For whatever it is for, and could you believe that I have no cause solid enough to explain it? Whatever. I feel like a most terrible person.