forbidden little kiss

(this might get a little messy and all-over-the-place)

I think lately life has been good.

It wasn't just yesterday

(yesterday was brilliant
thank you)

but in general.

everything.

I mean I may be struggling a lot a little with econs schoolwork

but I'm happy.

and this is good because it means my

self-esteem

social life

suspected social anxiety

and everything else in between

is in check.

It feels really good it feels amazing to be happy.

And it's funny because last year I was sad a lot and it wasn't fun and I didn't realise that

self-empowerment begins with yourself

and this year when the circumstances have changed and the world revealed things to me

well idk what else to say?

everything's gone uphill

I've identified things that don't make me feel good at all

I've eradicated them from my life

and here I am.

I'm surrounding myself with relatively happy people who get me who make me feel good about myself who make me do the release-your-inhibitions thing.

because I realised that that was what I needed you feel me.

right now I can't deal with sadsadsad it drags me down it confuses me it makes me feel icky about myself.

and walking away from that feels good because it feels like I'm finally respecting myself.

I mean yes, I get sad sometimes but I think I am dealing with it well this time round.

(no more self-harm

psychologically & physically)

((oh my god this is just a terrible post but I feel like talking about it so much???))

just acceptance that this is a Normal Part of Quotidian Life and that it will help me continually progress and grow as a human being.

It's great to rely on myself for happiness and love.

People won't ever fulfill /your/ expectations

and if you don't do good things for yourself

no one else will.

It's important & necessary sometimes to have hyperbolic self-importance

(not too much too often though, that would be excessive narcissism?).

It assuages any doubts you have of yourself and it's also very lovely.

no crap what if everyone hates me I don't wanna walk through this crowded-ass canteen anymore

hey there, don't be silly, you're good enough, you're kind and pretty and lovely and you have friends around you who love you too you are fine everyone else is nothing compared to you you are queen.

what if my friends secretly hate me

why /would/ they secretly hate you

?

I think one of the best things that's happened to me is my self-esteem being decent enough to let me allow myself to accept that

!!I might maybe possibly have a crush on someone!!

it's big because for the longest time ever like for a few years ok

I've never let myself feel good enough for anyone else

(hence all the self-deprecation god it was terrible don't remind me about it)

but two days ago I decided that I already love myself enough to potentially like another person

(oh my god but I'm gonna cry bc he's so cute and clever and cute i hate myself no i dont mena that i love myself just his cuteness im gona like explode or somethn ya)

and ok

I mean it's a crush so that is all.

I think I'm rational enough to handle it okay.

and if he doesn't like me back then it is okay lol.

Another thing that makes me ridiculously happy

is that I now have means of discussing sexuality with no qualms at all.

it's something I needed a lot because growing up and all

but all my life I thought it was a despicable taboo thing to talk about seriously

so I didn't and it was frustrating

but then my paternal cousins???

oh my god??

it feels so good bc sexuality in a relevant context (that is to say the singaporean-malay-muslim-girl context)

and yeah??

it is a beautiful wondrous thing

it helps me understand a lot of things a lot more

and they are great conversationalists and there is never a moment of silence

(and it's hideous that I'll be missing out on seeing them tomorrow gdi)

so I'm happy.

I am very contented and this starts my 18th year beautifully.

isn't he lovely

stylinfond:

DON’T YOU DARE LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT HARRY DIDN’T WANT TO KISS HIM

a numb in my toes

jfc I am sad
it is the inexplicable kind of sadness
idk man
moments is making me cry
the tears are real

shootin' for stars on a saturday night

they say what goes up
must come down
but don't let me fall

I don't /think/ I've quite been myself lately
(but this may lead only to questions going
what am i
how do i define myself
what constitutes self
so I will not let it matter for now)
and I don't quite know why..?
(but maybe it is better to say that I feel different than I was before
and that some part of me has /changed/)
all I know is right now
I cannot bring myself to nurse emotions
(by that I mean those of others).
I have this great huge feeling that this!
is all because of what'd been happening for the three or four months
but that's presently all over and done with
and now
right now
I am channeling all feelings to myself
putting me first in a lot of things
making sure I actually care for myself
physically, emotionally
(self-aggrandising, if you may
because most times I find me telling myself
you're more important than anyone else around here)
self-love before attempts to love anyone else
I suppose
maybe it's a bad thing, maybe not
but right now I don't think I have the capacity to tender-love
anyone else but myself
unless I think I'm ready enough for that
or if I feel like it
(wow how selfish u are o k)
because I /need/ this ok
I need to sort myself out
(by distancing myself from emotions??
yeah ok)
I am not letting myself fall into the deep emotional end
(if that makes sense)
see, the furthest I am letting myself go is 
over-enhanced rage towards petty annoyances
or other things of childish/immature qualities
and intense feelings for preoccupations that really don't matter
that and /only/ getting reaaally emotionally invested in things that are positive
so I will not have to extricate myself from ~convoluted~ feelings/imptthings/idkman if things get messed up in a bad way
that is to say, for example
if I really, really feel averse to being your friend
(dear god "being your friend" back to primary school now are we)
and you have no friend
I will not let myself feel bad enough
at the expense of my comfort & happiness
to go out of my way to alleviate that
(say, like I would have done like a year ago)
that is also to say, I will not care for you + will leave you to your (unfortunate) circumstances
(but whoever is reading this is probably not the "you" in here please don't feel a need to relate to this "you")
another example, yeah
happy & sad
that is it
that is all I will let myself be right now
why are you happy I did ok for my test
oh that is wonderful
why are you sad my cat's sick my brother called me mean names
I am so sorry you have to endure that things will be okay soon, friend, let me give you some simple advice to help you cope with those mundane-but-still-upsetting situations
why are you sad I am not sad I am distressed I feel mocked I am ashamed of myself my ego is in jeopardy it is disappointment in self that feels so, so weighty and I am crumbling under it i am sorry i do not get you am i suppposed to get something here this is too complex for me to understand and deal with sorry.
why are you happy I've had a revelation and epiphany I am not happy I am relieved I am insightful I am more introspective right now let me share it with you & I will be giving you blank stares and expressionless blinks
je suis désolée je ne te comprends plus.
yeah
so this is what I'm doing now
and I probably seem like I've gone backward
and like I've lost the sense of empathy
(no trust me
I still care for u friend
if u need some love hmu)
((oh my god I sound like some wild mix of erica+kelly stupidstagram gdi))
but ok
if that's what helps with my promos
(hah joke
self-acceptance is the most important thing of course
I need a way to tell myself that she is someone I love and am in love with first and foremost
like I'd put so much on the line for promos aha
um yeah at least that's what I think)

oh my god in re-reading this
I really do come across as a horrid person
um.
healthy(??) degree of narcissism?
???
?: )?
idk my friends have taken to calling me queen
which yeah
it's true
rn I don't quite give a matter to people around me
I am not going to make way for you
you are welcome to do that yourself
as of now I am going to do things for myself

maybe you can pray that things will right themselves soon enough.

feel it taking over

Oh am I silly
and losing grip
tons by the second

and your eyes

I get irrationally angry a lot I'm sorry.

some people want to kill their sorrow

now open your mind up and listen to me, kendrick

i am your conscience if you do not hear me then you will be history, kendrick

i know that your nauseous right now and i'm hoping to lead you to victory, kendrick

pep talk turn into a pep rally

well fuck me you don't tease me for knowing things about one direction okay

you don't call me a fucking addict

because that is one thing I am not

do I preoccupy all my time with them

I actually don't ???

(wow how fucking miraculous yes u learn new things every day)

I don't even read fanfics anymore I've deleted my tumblr app I've done so much ??

I don't even think about them anymore ???

(unless it is absolutely necessary like harry publicly kissing a man ((which he did)) and you know that shit is fucking monumental)

like I don't even fucking qualify what the fuck

it's not like I stan

fuck you fuckin fuck just don't

sit yourself down and think about things before saying them jfc

I can't even list 5 fucking things I know about zayn/niall/liam

pls don't make me mad

I actually don't need this

I'm not going to stand for this "addiction" is a fucking terrifying word

if you use this "addict" word you take away any little semblance of the bits of control I have over my life

and really, in what way would this benefit me

I have control over my life

I have control

I do

anyway don't tease me don't make me a joke

what I know about one direction and my opinions on them

(fuck you I used tons of critical thinking in forming them they helped me develop my social consciousness)

are valid

and I am not going to give you the right to undervalue them and make them feel like something I am better off without

ugh fuck this don't ask me why I feel strongly about this

I don't give a fuck if you don't care about 1d it's not an obligation

but you really don't have to bring it up and dismiss it just so

yeah ok did you know you have the option to not mock anyone who bothers enough to think hard about the truth 

jfc the only person I'll accept this remark from will be arinna because damn does anyone else around here actually understand and recognise and is immersed in fandom culture??

fuck the patronising tone in that was almost /tangible/.

such a habit to call

I need to cuddle with someone so badly right now

but

platonically

like

we r friends

and I like you so much

I need to be physically affectionate with u

yes I need physical affection I am so sad I need to cuddle so bad

you will always be there for me

I have a private blog illnr on which I used to rant on really silly, childish, stupid things back in 2010 but now it's just where I dump one direction gifs I want to save on my phone bc I want them ~accessible~ to me at all times oh what has my life become less moping more misery is this a good change no one knows.

rock me

Unwritten official things about hari raya aidilfitri

1. Hari Raya is never, never, never ever a one-day affair

Idk what anyone who is not Malay means by "visiting" but

Hah no, good sir, when we say we go visiting, we really do go visiting.

There are the grandparents (both paternal&maternal), the aunts and uncles, the parents' aunts and uncles (both paternal&maternal), their cousins, great-relatives, friends, friends of friends yeah ok I should stop here.

But you get the point.

Basically hari raya takes at least two weeks.

(Our record is 5 houses in a day whoopee.)

And no one is really free during 'free' days of those weeks.

2. You tell families apart by the colour of their outfits.

I know this.

You know this.

Everyone knows this.

You see people on the streets and

oh this family is going purple this year

or

the red family

or

oh my god we're wearing the same colour

(this is where things may get a little or a lot awkward)

it's true

fact

#confirmed

it's something vital to our hari rayas

it's frickin family identity, man

this year we're wearing green

and to show you just how serious Colour of the Years are

we've already decided on a colour for Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2014

(it's ivory)

Really though our hari raya outfits are paramount.

(May be exaggerating; we're not this superficial I swear)

"Outfits" not "costumes" because..!

They're really important significant valuable things in a Malay home..!

They're not clothes you can buy merely at a roadside for $15, no, they're expensive (really) and they're special outfits set aside for grand occasions and they're really important!!!

They're so valuable in so many ways!!

There's the kain songket and kain batik and kebayas and baju kurungs and jubahs like you need to appreciate the outfits on so many levels.

You need to know how to wear them!!
We take these outfits reaallly seriously!!
(How do I accessorise these with the kerongsang or the gold bracelet idk!!)

Which is why appropriation of all these outfits esp for rhd and the likes irk me so, so bad.

Do you really know what you're wearing do you do you now bc lbr u don't k gurl bye.

it's a love story

things I've tried to scroll past but failed
as in
yeah okay I see cool thing
*scrolls a little bit down*
uh no one moment I need to see cool thing a bit more
*scrolls back up*
what a cool thing
uh hey
i want that cool thing
i want that cool thing
i really want that cool thing
:




i just

Anyway, remember that dream I had where it was my birthday and everything was marble and we tasted chocolates flaked with gold and every adornment is gilded with pearls and god knows what
I maybe possibly found the best visual representation of it to help you see what I saw



it was a lovely dream.

in your face and the door keeps slamming

it has

been

a very

very

an

emotional

day

i

blame yourself 'cause you blew it

ok so usually I will ignore this kind of thing
cliché and yes ok yes
but
tonight
in
the
midst
of
pw
this
spoke
to
me
on
a
very
spiritual
emotional
level
ok.