I just have to decide what you hiding from

Presently there are 3 songs that either gives me goosebumps and chills up and down my spine, or makes me want to cry.

1. Don't Judge Me
2. Freedom
3. Kiss Me

it can get ugly before it gets beautiful

Nothing like some good hh to slap me into sense again.
My fascination with 1D & Larry Stylinson is really creeping me out.
It's..it's like a dam broke from the pent up closet shipping before, to this huge whoosh.

But this, Chris Brown is really, really good.
I loved it the first second I heard it.
Thank you, it's perfect.

please don't judge me, and I won't judge you.

happy thoughts

These days I cannot find strength in me to entertain my social life, and I have been politely declining offers to go out.

For today, I am so very glad to have done so, as I had been hopelessly roiling in my Larry feels the whole day.

You only know so well that I stayed up the whole night last night reading the fanfic, and I only went to sleep at 6.

And thereafter, till 11 in the morning, my dreams revolved only around Harry & Louis.

(Okay I admit several other ships were present for unknown reasons idek why.)

It was the first thing I thought of when I awoke, and it was really not long before I took to reading the rest of the chapters that awaited me.

How about it required a lot of laying in bed with blankets and pillows around me whilst being immersed in gripping emotions that was the fanfic, until 1.

And then Anis came home.

I was scrambling to hide the evidence from her - a most avid Directioner - and clutching the laptop so close but she got it in the end and that's how she found out I am a closet Larry shipper.

And the rest of the day was spent most casually in the room with me just occasionally whimpering and crying and moaning because of the feels.

I'm moderately relieved I can finally express this with someone.

I say 'moderately' because a part of me is too proud to admit I really do ship Larry, especially since I have been stating defiantly that I DON'T for the past few months, and you know that that is a lie.

But...the feels.

It is not just Larry itself, but the fanfiction was also beautifully written.

No, it really is the most beautifully written one I have ever had the privilege of reading.

The style of writing, oh god, it was beautiful.

There was vagueness; it was writing from which inferences have to be made.

The wording and description were beautiful; it is not a languished, literal thing.

I had learnt many more beautiful words from reading it; the vocabulary was beautiful.

The plot was beautiful.
It really came across as something beautiful and believable and not tacky, so unlike the everyday fanfiction that you just know is exaggerated wishful thinking of a fangirl.

Everything was perfect, and I feel so reluctant to read another version of Larry, lest the images created shatter and become ruined.

And there was smut - but of course there will be smut.

Except there wasn't, not really.

It was hidden.

Hidden and so obvious at the same time.

It was a clever skill.
You could even call it clean smut, which really is an indignant oxymoron.

I promise you, there wasn't any, any vile words in it that one would normally consider hugely imperative while writing smut.

Not even the mildest ones.

None.

At.

All.

For which I am so thankful just because.

Is this silly?
I know you think it is, since it is, in the end, just a ship.

But really, halt!

It can't be, it really can't - I can almost assure you of that.

Enter the gifs.

He likes it.

Louis needs to stop staring so piercingly at Harry.

Harry needs to stop staring so piercingly at Louis.

But..but no one else in the band does this...

And you can't say this is normal best friend behaviour, can you.

Okay so I apologize for this sudden plague, but honestly.

I really am up for bromances; I mean, they are almost always charming things.

But Larry doesn't look like it is merely a bromance.

Oh no, it seems like it's precariously balancing between a simple bromance and an actual damn relationship.

It is not just how they are truly best friends, but how they actually act around each other.
They are as close as brothers, but if they considered the other like a brother...then they really wouldn't be that intimate.
(That would be creepy.)

Do (straight) males usually look at each other like that, with such fervent gazes of adoration, and share such tender acts?

No, don't even go to that last gif.

Don't even go there.

Platonic just jumped off a cliff.

That, or it got elevated to a whole new level.

Once again, my feels.

And you know my insides are not thinking so rationally (or irrationally).

You know that I'm internally going

"Larry Stylinson is reallll!!1! Omg what are they doing. stahp dis now.. They are killing the shit out of me. I'm going to go cry in a corner now because they are just that beautiful. Larry, stop. Stop!! :c"

Yeah, I def ship them hard.

And this feels odd.

Listening to Ed Sheeran is like listening to the songs that play while the credits roll at the end of a good movie.

It feels like my Larry high is ending.

It was good.

And tonight I am sleeping earlier.

why would I feel pleased about that, Lou?

And thenceforth an ultimatum presents itself.

It's either stop reading at Chapter 10 and go back to sleep so I wouldn't devour the whole story too fast, or just finish everything up.

..I think it's obvious, isn't it.

but it's not, and we are

My feels.

What in the hell just what?

..What?!

No other fanfiction had ever made me feel this way.

None...ever.

Ever.

I promise you.

And now I can stay up all night to finish reading it if I want to.

Quite literally.

God it is just so f-ing good.

and out of all these things I've done

Oh my god my Larry feels.

Jake the dog & Finn the human.

pretty soon they'll be back up on they ramen noodles

Oh shoot.
My library book's overdue.
There goes a dollar.

That's it, I'm getting a Twitter.

a private party up in buckingham palace

I promise outdoor parks and beaches are the best things to do right now.

('Do'..? That's not the right word..ahahaaha..ha.)

Well anyway, I know two Sundays ago we went to West Coast Park with the amazingly fun structures thingamies to climb.

Mama didn't come with us, so it was just Papa and the rest of us.

There were slides, and swings, and that parallel-to-the-ground flying fox things you sit on and you whoosh to the other side, and sand everywhere.

It was supposed to be raining (it's always supposed to be raining nowadays), but on that day, it didn't.

So we had free reign over the area.

Long story short, I climbed to the top of that 3-storey (damn how many times have I got to type 'storey'..honestly!) structure near 5 times and (surprise, surprise!) so did my 5-year old little bro.

He was a brave, brave soul.

I mean, even I was terrified the first time.

It was wonderful exercise, and at the end my face was flushed a perfect pink and I was sweating buckets and it felt so good.

And last Saturday was one of the best family outings ever.

Ever.

Ever.

How about arriving at East Coast beach at 6pm and going straight into the sea till dusk descended upon us and you can see the setting sun to your right with the gibbous moon high on the left, and you are with all your cousins, like all of them, and you are talking and laughing and splashing water and spilling wet sand onto one another, and your eyes seem to be one with the horizon that seemed so, so endless.

Holy shit it was fun.

After we took a shower it was a complete stuffing-oneself-silly session.

Then me, and Haiqal and Anis and Daiyana went walking at THE creepy secluded pathway.

It was..well, plain eerie.

At the entrance there was this most unusual, guttural, animal sound that was almost like a deep moo/quack.

Yes, where no animal was supposed to be there.

And you know the sound of ducks at night mean that 'she' is present...truth.

It was downright unnerving and I don't have a clue why we braved ourselves to venture any further..but ultimately we did.

We walked on and on, into the static stillness of the dark, and paths diverged and vines climbed and thickened.

It really was very dark, and we were so desperately making us talk of UNscary things (X-Factor) and laughing stupidly, nervously, and suddenly the lamp post right above us flickered straight off and the area about us went completely dark and how we ran and screamed and ran.

Okay, so it is not as scary when I say it like this but wait till it happens to you.

And that singular black cat that seemed to tail us wherever we go...

We played like little children that night.

God it was so fun.

There's this garden maze thing by Sunset Bay that is not really a maze but we call it one, where we would play catching and things like that.

And...I stepped on two newlywed snails.

Sigh.

It was a sickening *crunch*.

Ew.

Speaking of snails, Adani, Shireen and Arinah gathered 23 snails and put them together on a grass patch.

Ew.

There was some kind of...unrestrained..party..the snails were having.

And at the end of the night, yellow eggs was emerging from a pair of two stuck-together snails.

Yeah, they sure had fun.

It was fun.

A nice, casual, childish family get together and it was great.

freedom

It is presently 3.03am and..hm.
I just woke up from me falling asleep halfway through a pewdiepie vid.
Damn my typing's all whack.
How many typos have I got to correct.

It is crazy in here.
I have been spending my days with the family and we did mad stuff.
I have been thinking endlessly of what I want to do.
There's so much.
I want to read, or tidy up my desk, perhaps.
But I really want to watch Pride & Prejudice, and do some baking.
And learn how to stitch and sew.
And sit and think of life and write in The Book.
(I am thrilled that I found the second one.)

Is it odd to feel reserved in my own space?

Damn what will I give right now to have some glade nearby with cool weather and some nice flowers to pick or something.

I feel free; I feel freedom.
Why they mad?
You should see them.
Burn a L, 'cause it's crazy in here.
Crazy in here.
Crazy in here.

heroes and villains become harder to identify

Holy moly.

I am in a swoon and it's only the first track of Strange Clouds.

bacon pancakes

I'm hurting you because I love you.
Marceline relates love and pain to Ice King's behaviour towards her as he slips further into insanity.

"Marceline, I can feel myself slipping away."

You're so annoying, you pitiful old man
I'd like to help you but I don't know if I can
I thought you were nice
But you're really, really, really nice.

Every time I move eventually you find me and start hanging around
Just another lame excuse to see me man, it's getting me down
You know, I'm actually glad to see you
Maybe I'm the one who's..nuts.


Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world?
That must be so confusing for a little girl.
And I know you're going to need me here with you.
But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're going to lose me too.

This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy.
And I need to save you, but who's going to save me?
Please forgive me for whatever I do, when I don't remember you.


Adventure Time.
I honestly will die without it.

a work of art

I need to learn how to differentiate chamomile flowers and daisies.
It's completely impudent how I can hardly tell which is which!
*half-laugh*

"you know I'm really not supposed to speak to strangers"

I know I've posted this video once, but I will do it again because, oh, it is so lovely.
I love this..I love this, I love this.
A wonderful tiny escapade.

everything at once

Holy shit I miss you.

And that's what I get for isolating myself on purpose.
God damn it.

Take me away from here.
:'''(

How great it is that I create my own problems.

so if you need a hit then I'm with that bat

I love Nicki Minaj.

Anyway, I will go on a classics shopping spree soon.
Popular has this buy 2 get 1 free sale for classics at $4.90 per book.
I think I'll go get around 6 books or something.
Maybe 9.
I don't know, but.
Yum.

1. A Tale of Two Cities
2. Emma
3. Persuasion
4. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
5. Through the Looking Glass
6. The Prince and the Pauper 
7. The Phantom of the Opera
8. The Arabian Nights
9. Madame Bovary

Cool I came up with 9 books to buy after all.

choose your last words

I want the movie Elizabeth, the one with Cate Blanchett in it.

I've never, never watched it fully.

That era is beautiful.

The era of magnificent gowns, and of kings and queens.

I love fairy tales.

I'd live in one if I could.

"how am I supposed to pronounce this shit?"

Where do I even start. 
Something is lacking in my life.
I know it 'cause I feel it.
I'm frustrated and annoyed and irritated and just.
GOD.
Honestly.

Something is not right.
It's missing, and I hardly know what it is.

I want a rant session.
Even though I know and so readily acknowledge that whatever I would want to rant about would probably be...extremely trivial and..immature..or whatever.

But if there is anything I know, it is that only you can solve your own problems.
Most times..it's your own damn fault.

Ha, this post did NOT make sense.

ten little letters on a big sign

You hate living with your heart yet you can't not live with it.

I think I just read something that summed everything up, and it now all makes sense!
And I hope the person who did write these words won't mind my borrowing them.

The body is a shell that traps the soul and conscience.

in time, ink lines

So the weird thing was.
Last night I dreamt that I had crystal silver pumps for prom.
Like the ones in Moment 4 Life, but with rounded toes.

These are pretty, but that will never happen.
I mean I already know what shoes I will take with me, so.

champagne you've been sipping

Speaking of my mother, yesterday was mad.
It was Papa's birthday and Mama had to fly to Nice - yes, indeed! Nice! - in France, for some training course..
She'll only be back next Tuesday.
Sigh sigh sigh wish I could have gone with her.
Hm.
:/

a reason for it all

This is just.
*dies*
How can I not discover it sooner?!
So glad Mama had it on her phone.

paranoid of espionage

I feel like I'm at a loss, like I don't know what to do with myself, like.

(I know, I know. Stop using 'like', like I get it.)

I feel empty.

Yes, that's it.!

Empty.

And you know what.

I feel as if I will die young.

Or maybe I won't, but honestly.

Death.

I don't even know what I want to do before I die.

Maybe I'd just live unceremoniously.

And I don't even know if I used that word right.

beautiful confessions from the priest

And now, I don't wanna take you; if we fall down, don't get upset.
or
And now, I don't wanna take you if we fall down - don't get upset.

I mean, take your pick.

"Why... It's my dream prince!"

Heraclitus was sometimes called 'the weeping philosopher', possibly because he often lamented human stupidity.

And I'm watching parts of Sleeping Beauty again.
Just felt like it, even if it is presently what one would say 'illegal', considering the circumstances I am in now.
Oh dear.

feeling like letting go

I know the best way of descending into normalcy.
Just pretend to be normal and like everyone else, right?
And since I'm still 16 and very much an adolescent, why not do some shopping some time soon?
I mean, nothing can make me happy like getting new stuff.
I think Dorothy Perkins will have some nice things.
Do you know how much I adore DP?
Now they have a Singapore catalogue website too like woah.

matter fact let's kiss & make up

So why would I buy you a gay-ass teddy bear, bitch, you already bi-polar!

a rose, a burgundy

It is time to lock this away again.

I am dealing with matters that are sacred and near the heart and they would be ruined if seen by the unaccustomed in such a stage of its infancy.

you have no idea

Wait, if I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

If I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

And I'm here, and you're there

this is not figurative, this is literally

Today I was hit with an identity crisis.

It came quite suddenly enough, I mean, I was on the bus from school to home, reading about Socrates and Plato and wondering why there is something rather than nothing (it was the book title, really) and then out of the blue, I mean, I was like.........pause.

I am a philosopher.

Okay..but no.

I cannot be a philosopher.

To be one means to question..things...and that might just include questioning religion and I cannot possibly go against religion, can I?

I am a 16-year old Singaporean Muslim girl , about to graduate from secondary school, and then after I will move onto junior college, and university possibly, get a decent-paying office job, find a good man, marry, settle down, start a family, have kids, raise them, grow old, die, which is, you know, the fate of almost everyone around me.

Except I don't want that to be my fate.

I am a philosopher.

I am a psychologist.

I am a romantic.

I am an adult.

I am a child.

And I am still a teen (SUCH a teen).

I am a hip-hop fan.

I am an 18th century girl.

I have no idea who I am.

I am such a mix of oddities and.

And I'm scared.

I am so terribly frightened because I feel so alone at where I am in life.

Perhaps I am even writing this in hopes that someone, anyone can come to me and tell me that they can relate to me, that they really, honestly understand where I'm coming from.

Perhaps someone can come and walk with me and tell me that I, too, may progress in life just fine, despite this hideously volatile concoction.

I do not know how to continue even though I am brimming with things to say.

And I am in danger of descending myself into the stage of belittling people.

But I love my life as it is.

I am just, so, so very glad at least that it is illuminated.

Well..not illuminated, really.

I just have no other word for it.

Just.

How can you feel so at ease with this life that you live?

It is an endless, droning cycle and you're not even trying to make use of it!

It is an artificial thing that we've created and how can you not think of why this is so?
How can you live so well and happy when you are all so lacking in knowledge and truth and..I don't know.

How can you live being so simple-minded and narrow-tracked?
Does no one else feel that to be so very singular?

That we are all living this life and..and we're here and..why?

We can just not be here and that's it.

And no one questions existence..none at all?

I am in such frustration.

You cannot even look at things that humans had not created and see the significance.

You lament over such misery but you fail to see that all remedy is around us.

People are so shallow.

And you know what?
I am too, because I am still an immature teen which you know what, completely contradicts my philosophical self?
Can no one understand why I feel so lost?

Once again, why are people so one-dimensional?

So you know what, I'm done, even though I'm really not but just for the sake of frickin closure, I'm so done with this.

smdfh.

Identity crisis.

Honestly.