It's opened my eyes, mind and heart to Islam and everything there is.
Masya'Allah (yes I don't usually say this but God this feels right), I have gained so, so much and I have so much to say I don't know where to start.
The people, for one, were amazing.
I thought they would be horrid, and I was so apprehensive about meeting people who are so foreign and different to me, but I was so wrong.
We had groups, see, and my faci(litator) Kak Hasanah was so wonderful.
It was weird with the other people in the group at first, but then things happened and wow.
I miss them already, and it's only been 2 days.
I miss Hani and Rose and Izza and Putri.
I miss the other people from the other groups: Emira and Aisha from Daiyana's group and Batrisya and Nelly from Anis'.
And I have to remember to add that I finally got to meet Khairunnisa and I was so glad and happy about the pleasant surprise because for 4 years I couldn't as the school was being a douche about dismissal times on Teacher's Day.
I met people whom I thought would be horrendously different from me but hell no, I was way wrong.
Hani likes rap and Eminem (yes, seriously!!) and she's from a madrasah, and Rose likes Ed Sheeran, like hello girl, where have you been all my life I need someone to randomly quote his lyrics with me apart from my own sister.
I miss Ustaz Zahid and Ustaz Taufik who gave the best classes and helped in my...how do I say this...enlightenment.
I don't think they know how much they've helped me in terms of that sort-of identity crisis, on the question of why I am here.
The answer is Allah swt.
But of course it is.
I don't know why I didn't see that before.
It took me a while to understand them, but I ultimately did.
It is so blatant.
Why does everything exist?
Because Allah swt created it, and without Him there would be nothing.
(I want to say more but I don't think I can be eloquent enough so I shall stop there.)
Their classes have made me realise and embrace the beauty of our religion.
I mean, before the camp I'd already known Islam is the most beautiful thing there is and that if I hadn't any religion, I'd make myself convert into Islam because it is the most beautiful religion, but I'd never known why.
I also miss the selawat and berzikir and Qaseeda (singing in Arabic/"singing" in Arabic - it was a verbal answer when I asked what Qaseeda meant, so I don't really know which form it is) sessions during which I felt the most tranquil calmness and I swear my voice became gentler and more refined after singing such gracious words of praises to Allah swt and Nabi Muhammad saw.
I miss the delicious food and company at mealtimes, because while eating on a dulang (a huge tray on which food is served) you'll have to sit with at least 3 other people and share the food with them straight from the dulang, which is my favourite way of eating because it is so communal.
I think I've expressed my love for eating like this here before but that was more than a year ago, the last time I've eaten that way, which is sad.
So you can imagine how pleased I was to find that we would be eating on a dulang for 7 days.
I'm rambling right now.
I even miss (our dislike of) Sashy & his bff who happens to be Anis' and Daiyana's baby nicknamed Her and the sneaky watching that they do during classes when the girls and boys sit together.
I honestly think Islam is beautiful.
It is such a beautiful thing of purity and cleanliness, and with so much emphasis for love and respect for Allah swt, Nabi Muhammad saw and our parents.
When I realised how important our parents are, I cried so badly.
No, I actually cried a lot throughout the camp because it was so intense.
I'm sorry, I just had to put that there, ahahahahahah.
But anyway, a lot of things dawned upon me and tugged so viciously on my heartstrings.
Like the video that reminded us of the afterlife, of how our dunia right now is insignificant and yet important.
And everyday after prayers we would go to one another and hug and beg for forgiveness and forgive and cry because we know how much we have sinned and how important forgiveness is.
We cry, and it is beautiful when we cry, and wow, that sounds so odd, but you have to see it to understand.
A roomful of people who had known one another for only a few short days but treat them like sisters, crying and saying sorry for any mistakes they've done that had hurt the feelings of one another because they truly mean it and they are so sincere that they shed tears.
The love is beautiful.
I think I also miss waking up at 3.30am every morning with less than 4 hours of sleep, for the Solat Tajahhud, Taubat and Hajat before the obligatory Subuh prayer.
I say "I think" because I don't miss the feelings of fatigue, really.
For the first time in my life I had to go through prayers almost falling asleep, which is one of the saddest things ever.
I could do it standing up even.
It's like..falling asleep while doing footdrill, when you're standing in squad, yeah?
I really did fall asleep at some points though.
I feel so bad.
Sigh.
And really, life during camp was a lot like school or college where you have dorms and stuff.
You wake up at 3.30am to wash up and get ready for morning prayers at 4.30am.
At 7 there's recre and breakfast is at 8am.
At 9am the classes start (and the classes are so good, I kid you not) and this goes on till 12.30 when lunch is served.
After lunch comes the Zuhur prayers, after which there is rest time till 3pm where I get my occassional shut eye which is so desperately needed.
At 3 there are more classes until Asar comes, and after those prayers there is more recre.
After that is dinner at 6.30pm and Maghrib prayers at 7pm+ and we stay in the musolla until Isyak prayers, after which there is the Qaseeda session (yay!) for an hour till 10pm.
(Actually the first day I understood nothing about Qaseeda.
I just looked at the screen and the Arabic script and what I am supposed to sing this I don't even know the tune and the percussion is so sudden and I am so confused.
But then I started loving it because it is fun even though it's hard to read the script sometimes.
It was such a cleansing and happy thing to sing with the others.)
After 10pm there is supper and you have to rush if you want a shower and lights out is at 11.30pm, even though we usually only sleep after 12am.
And that was the daily timetable.
(I wonder why I used present tense, which is illogical because it's all past.)
I got used to the life there, in the masjid, and it was a good life.
Oh wow I really miss it all.
I feel like I want to just live there forever.
On second thoughts, not forever, because I would have gotten homesick like I did the first night and had to listen to Ed Sheeran to feel better, but I wouldn't mind living like that every week and coming home during the weekends.
It is a beautiful life, and I learnt so much.
And now I am thinking if I really want to pursue philosophy anymore, because why bother seeking answers to questions when I already know them?
And if you think about it, you can't know the answers to everything because we're humans and humans can't possibly know everything, yeah.
Oh wow I just burst my own bubble.
Though ultimately, religion does, after all, aim for a life of good.
(I'm saying that even if you don't believe in a religion, if you follow its practices/principles, you are almost sure to live a life of good.)
Either way, the camp was amazing.
I miss the friends I've made and I feel so sad I won't ever see them again.
It's even mended my silaturahim (relationsip? idk) with my cousins Haiqal & Daiyana.
(Thank you, Allah.)
Ugh, I cannot write well enough to express anything.
But the Pesantren Kilat is one of the best things that have happened to me and it has done so much for me.
So much, and I cannot say any more.
I don't want to change back to how I was before, but only for the better.
( But I still like rap & I still ship Larry and sometimes Ziam and occassional Zourry. Ha.)
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