You used to captivate me by your resonating light.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

-How To Save A Life, The Fray

Sigh.

)':

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

-My Immortal, Evanscence

And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Another day another drama(s).

Sigh. /3(

Worst week of the year, I swear.

Nothing else to say, really.

I'm tired.

No pretty drinks, I'm a guy out here.

My blog posts are getting more and more emo.

=.=

But honestly, not like I care.

I mean, no one reads it.

As in, no one whom I'm really talking about reads it.

So.

So what?

Whatever, right?

I guess I've grown bolder.

Not any more matured, just.

Less afraid to put my real thoughts out there.

Well anyway.

Today.

Actually this whole week (so far).

I've been in a bad mood.

Don't know why.

K maybe I do.

But I just get annoyed and pissed more easily.

(PMS?)

And the whole day today I felt tired and irritable.

(Lack of food? HAHA what shit lah.)

Things keeping me alive

• Beloved Angel letters
• Family
• Immersion Trip to Bordeaux (Should I apply or not? :s )
• Friends who are not making me feel like shit.

Sigh.

You poor disillusioned girl.

I've gone past the point of even caring.

I don't bother anymore.

I suppose there's nothing I can do?

I've warned you once,

twice,

thrice!

even.

Notes, conversations, subtle hints.

But noooo you did not and do not get it.

Oh well.

Can wait till you get hurt again.

Please, I (AND a few others) have heard it,

seen in,

felt it,

first hand.

A confession that will never satisfy yours.

(We hereby bear witness to her honest revelation.)

Trust me.

Just this once.

It's not worth it.

All your efforts.

Will.

Go.

Down.

The.

Drain.

Oh you poor, poor disillusioned girl.

My heart truly goes out to you.

So long, then.

You've changed. A lot.

Well I guess that happens.

I mean, everyone changes in the end, no?

I just.

Didn't see that one coming.

I couldn't. :/

Not so soon, anyway.

I mean, I wouldn't mind as much if.

:/

But anyhow, you seemed pretty glad to have gotten rid of us.

Right?

And you prefer them to, well, us.

Don't you?

Ditch us, then.

When she does that to you don't come running back.

The only thing my heart would want to say will be

"I told you so."

I sound indifferent.

But really, I guess I'm numb to it.

You've hurt me so many times lately.

You apologise, but.

But still.

I'm just glad this time, at least I have someone else to fall back on.

(We are just simply leaning against each other for support for now.)

If that were not the case, I would have been crying buckets again.

For the third time in 4 days.

But verily, I didn't.

So bless her soul, the one who's keeping me together, and I'll wait till you see some sense.

❤

Bittersweet day.

Next thing you know, I was running down the hall, sayin', "Please come back, I have given my all." I have given my all. It's funny how you can always make me feel small. I have given my all.

It's arrived.

I think. The time has come.
To close down.
Completely shut off from my surroundings.
Have people talk to me, tell me things, crucial opinions, but internally disregarding them, paying no attention.
Only replying with an 'Mm-hmm', and a slight nod accompanied with a polite smile.
Not expressing, not telling.
Not saying what my thoughts are to them, and theirs to others.
Everything a secret.
Just swaying, drifting apart and away in the vast sea of differing perspectives and endless conflicts.
Floating off till I get caught in a tiny crevice.
Cosy, and warm, and perfectly secure.

Nothing tastes good as it feels.

I should remind myself of that constantly.
Sigh.
I ate a lot today, no exaggeration at all!
On the other hand, I had my first ever cup of latte(hazelnut) today!
Had tea with Jan at Secret Recipe, haha.
Quite nice, really.
:3
Tomorrow, I promise I'll go to the gym!
Maybe 1km(+) because I don't like running.
:P

HW: 45.5+ (???)
LW: 39.0
CW: 40.6
GW: 37.0

Sigh.

My eyes are still stinging, even though it's been a safe 9 hours.
It must be hard to be a teen, eh?
K.
This time.
Might just be.
My fault.
Tough luck, man.
Hm.
Maybe I don't want to be seen as weak, like Okonkwo.
So it's either I be like who I want to be, mend it right immediately.
Or like myself when arguing with my sister, keep it dragging on and on till the problem disappears by itself.
Oho, looks like my brain had registered you as a sister!
So my heart's pride and defiance takes over, since it's fooled into thinking that you'll stay forever so it doesn't matter, all those conflicts.
For sisters are eternal.
Aren't they?

You exaggerate..

:/ Sigh.
Sigh sigh ttm.
I have lots of homework.
Omg.
):
And it's 10 and I haven't completed anything.
)):

)':

My heart almost stopped plenty times today.

1st. When I got my Angel letter.
2nd. When I got the reply letter from my Ward.
<3
3rd. When I realised I've made her mad at you. Again.
4th. When I first saw the French paper.
5th. When I found out there will be an immersion programme to Bordeaux, France.
To Bordeaux, France.
France.
One step closer to Paris.
Paris.
City of my dreams.
To Bordeaux, first.
Bordeaux.
France.
Paris.
I must go.
I must, I must!
Or I shall die presently.
I shall.

HAHAHA LOL. (Y)

Sweetgrass basket (Marlene Carvell) is so sweet.

Mattie died. )':

I love, love, love free-verse poetry books.
Always keeps me thinking free-verse for hours.
Books are so addictive.
Those really, really good ones.
Keeps you wanting more, more, more.
Makes me want to devour them all.
I wish I didn't have such limited time to read nowadays.
Then I can read one book everyday, and not get sick of it.

The problem with sisters.

See, the problem with sisters, is that I find it so hard to tell them that I love them.
And I don't know why.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
So if I consider you my sister, I'm telling you now.
That I'll find it harder to say that.
As it sounds awkward.

End of Pointless Post #2.

Paths

Hm. Let's see.
It's real funny how much I've.. grown so far.
I mean.
In Sec 1, I don't know.
I was drifting around.
And honestly, I don't remember much about my Sec 1 life.
Sec 2, I started to lodge somewhere.
And now.
Now, I'm just going out every week I bet my rents will be pissed soon.
But I kind of like it now.
I mean.
I feel safe.

This.
Was.
So.
Pointless.
=.=

Lightning

Thin stalks of light branching down from the night sky
scaring
shocking
stunning
the people down below.

Tumbling.
Crashing.
One after another.
Not pausing.
Not stopping.
Continuous.
Pulverizing.

Loud thunder.
Deafening.
Splitting.
Like a sharp tear in the velvet of the sky.

Absence of rain.
Queer.
Peculiar.
Very, very odd.
Lightning storm?
Where we are?
Unusual, very unusual.
Strange.
Doesn't happen often.

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.
Swoosh.
Heaven's arms opening.
Torrents pour.
An ocean of escape.
Cool.
Refreshing.
Relief.

Lightning disappears.
Thunder fades.
Thank you, God.

Oh my God.

I feel so very embarassed now, words can't express it.

One explanation.
PMS.
Post menstrual syndrome.

Oh God.
=.=

Boredom kicks.

But I can't say I'm bored, no.
I have tons of homework left to finish up.
English compre TYS 2004.
English Summary for Beauty Through The Ages.
Full Geog Rivers TYS Ref nos 1-7.
E-Math Revision WS 2.
A-Math TB Exercises(CW).
A-Math Holiday WS.
SS TB read chapters 2-3 for quiz.
SS research on Financial Budget.
It's the lack of time.
Lack of time, I don't have enough.
Friday: March Camp Day 2 till 6. A-Math tuition 8-9.30pm.
Saturday: FAC Finals 1-6pm.
Sunday: Nicolette's dance concert prob whole afternoon.

I guess my resolution to always finish my homework by last weekend of holidays is screwed.
Completely screwed.

Completely irrelevant but.

As a sidenote, these cramps are killing me, bent on the frenzy of tearing up my insides.
Not pausing even for a second.

Damn pain sia.

Ok snap.

She doesn't deserve this.

And.

She doesn't deserve this.

Stop hurting them. ):

I don't know who I am begging.
I don't even know what I want.
I guess I just want them to not be so unhappy.
):

(ow ow ow cramps ow)

Hahaha today was so brilliantly fun! xD
Went for standardization meeting in the morning then went to Vivo with Jan, Miselle, Kimberly, Xuan Yi.
And watched Red Riding Hood.
(I love that movie for God's sake, I do! It's about as beautiful as a silent snake. If you know what I mean.)
But then Kimberly had to leave! How sad. D:
So we went to Wendy's and sat there for 1-2 hours and played Truth or Dare.
It was damn funny.
(:
What a satisfying day.
But it sucks 'cause now I'm broke.
Like really.
):

Eh Xuan Yi and Miselle, I wasn't ignoring you in the train!
I was in my little Nicki Minaj world.
:P
Whoops. Haha!

OMG.
I actually managed to finish all my chem homework too!
I can cross that off my list! :D
I can't believe I had the willpower to sit through 6 pages and one quiz on acids, bases and salts after a super long day.
Phew, thank God it's over.

Can you just please, please, please stop doing this to her?! It is equivalent to hurting my own sister you SOAB. URGH.

Dumdeedum

Reminds me of Pooh. xD
I love that bear.
Hahaha Shireen's favourite cartoon character.
What a doll. <3

K that was random.
But I feel random.
:3

Well anyway, today I managed to finish Elec lit and HMT.
Not so satisfying.
):
I have to rush rush rush everything on Wednesday.
And tomorrow too.
Before standardization meeting and after level outing. :s
Will I be awake enough?
(:

Walao eh I gained weight today.
=.=
That is so not happening.
I was like, so happy to see the number become 39.8.
Then it rose.
=.=
Crap I must learn to control my eating habits/urges!

Anyway, March camp Thurs-Fri!
Last one as a cadet!
I hope it'll be funner than the ones before!
I must learn to treasure my last few cadet months.
):
Oh crap, it's making me tear, no kidding.
Sigh.

Ok. Better prepare for tomorrow.
Bye!

(((((:

I'm so happy and excited, but I won't tell you why. xD
<3

It's 1.30am.

Late, and quiet, but I am not tired.
I mean, I am, but I can't sleep.
Just listening to songs on my MP3.
(Nicki Minaj, duh. xD)
Can't do homework, brain's not functioning that fast.
Can't wait for next week!
Camp, outings, completion of homework, etc etc etc!
(:
Maybe I'll read Sweetgrass Basket till I fall asleep or something.
:/

I have a massive headache.

That's what you get for sleeping in.
x(

I want to read Emma by Jane Austen.

Time to visit the library!
:D

forget about the pricetag

Back from tuition and warm and snug in my bed. (:
Have you heard about the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and tsunami in Japan?
I briefly saw it just now, and I felt..nothing.
Does that not disgust you?
That was a few hours ago, and now I feel ashamed of myself.
But then I read/think about it again, and I feel so..sad.
I mean, imagine if it happened to US, you know? ):
I feel terrible.
This is honestly very uncommon.
Usually I don't care at all about these natural disasters.
):
My heart goes to them.
)':
If I can't directly help, I will at least pray.

so don't try to change me

I don't wish to go for tuition because
1) I have to sit through another 1.5 hours of unfamiliar topics. (Like sum and product of roots wtheck are those.)
2) I must think of what to wear.
3) I'm exhausted.

lsdvkibhaiufhcnaiwdugqg
Gah this is horribly rambly and pointless I'm better off actually getting ready for it instead. =.=

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I don't want to go for tuition and I don't want to do my one-word essay!
I want to sleep, I really do!
Can I skip class?
Can I send my essay tomorrow instead?
Can I just get some decent rest?!

Noise

3 hours of sleep made today pretty much horrid. X(
Still have A-Math tuition later some more. 8-9.30.
Bleh.
Yuck.
I'm so tired and I still have to do something before I leave for tuition.
And unfortunately, it's not to get some shut eye, which is what I really need right now.
-collapses onto floor-

Mm.

What does this strange mix of traits show us about Okonkwo? That he was human. Not all good, but not pure evil. He made good choices and he made bad ones. Sometimes, his traits would work for him, and sometimes, against him. To put it simply, he is really no more different than any other human on earth. Stubborn, selfish, ignorant humans.

So stop wanting to make everything and everyone perfect, for God's sake!

Lega

I mean, there' s no other word for how I'm feeling.

I still have LOTS to do I don't even know why I'm slacking now. ):

But all in all, I at least am sure of what's happening tomorrow.

Relieved.

I'm quite glad.

(I think.)

I look forward to you, Saturday!

Bleh.

Tea turned cold.
Made me dizzy.
Really hate cold tea.

P:

Tea for dinner again!
Yum!

Sorry.

Then I realised that
maybe, I
was not
had not been
am not
a good friend.
At all.

Wish I could say 'I did it!' but nooooo, I can't.

Anyway, today was a kind of ok day.
I mean, nothing happened.
But after school I stayed back for homework and stuff.
And after that, I finished reading one of my library books, the one in free verse poetry.
I read that, and it was so beautiful.
Really.
My mind was thinking in free-verse for hours after that.
So I decided to walk from school to Newton MRT.
I mean.
It gives me thinking time.
Alone time.
Peace time.
For myself.
It took around 30 minutes.
It felt endless, actually.
So much different from whenever I had a friend beside me.
That felt as if time went by too fast.
But anyway, I went to Caltex.
And got myself tomorrow's recess.
And I kept on walking.
Tirelessly.
Pushing myself.
A bit more.
A bit more.
Just a little.
And I reached it.
I bet I looked a mess, though.
But I don't care.
I managed to walk half an hour straight.
It was lovely exercise.
Should I do that everyday?
Nah.
Because then I realised I had to pay more for MRT trips.
$0.58.
Is a lot of money.
But anyway, I managed to survive that far on only a muesli bar and a small bowl of mushroom soup.
But that's nothing, right?
Nothing to be proud of.
Next Monday, maybe?
End of weird pointless post.

be my little freak

I've realised that I like songs with strong basses.
I don't care about the lyrics, I mean, they can be as rude as they want to be, really, but the BASS.
<3
OMG.
I think it's how you can just lose yourself in the hard beats, that kind of thing.
Bring your heartbeat to be on par with them.
Forget everything.
Oh, of course, the artiste have to be the ones I like lah.
I mean, that's also important, no?
I'm addicted to Little Freak by Usher feat Nicki Minaj (hahaha obviously).
Darn.
I need to find more bass songs.

Had a warm cup of nice, plain tea for dinner.
It felt so good.
It was the only thing I consumed today without guilt.
Did you know it contains less than 20cals?
So I can drink it anytime I want.
Actually, I can drink anything anytime I want.
But tea's better.
I'm kinda sick of water, anyway.

It has a taste all on its own.

This weekend had been a major failure.
In all aspects.
I haven't really done ALL my homework.
(I want to get March Hol HW over and done with ASAP!)
Thunder and lightning is everywhere.
And I can't even dance in the rain, for it's too heavy.
And I feel like a complete glutton.
I'm not kidding, and it's not an understatement.

Dear Pride, Spite and Blind Anger,

I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK.

Sincerely,
Me.

Like dark chocolate, it's bittersweet.

(I really love! dark chocolate!)

I'm so tired now.
Gah.
Only sec 3, you know?
How am I gonna cope with Life? =.=

We didn't get into FAC Finals.
):
I think. It's alright.
Because we did put in effort.
Please don't be let down.
We shall be back.
I just hate how upset it's making everyone.
):
I feel so helpless.

My contacts are PMS-ing, I swear.
Today, I acted on impulse. -.-
K, whatever.

I'm gonna die of happiness!
I can already download a few Nicki Minaj songs into my MP3!
(Y)
I'M GONNA DIE OF HAPPINESS.

I have a problem, seriously.

Dear S,
I'm sorry.
I really am.

Ate so much today.
Something's really wrong with me I swear.
For RC.
I eat for RC.
Or I will collapse and faint and I don't want that to happen. =.=

I know what she's all about, I really hope you figure it out.

Listening to Avril Lavigne more suddenly! :O
Don't know why, but removes me of my angst. :P
(Teenage angst hahaha!)

Today was a relatively ok day.
I mean, we managed to complete the Geog PT!
I am so happy and proud of my group, even though it was just a minor thing, really.
I'm aiming for us to get more than 20/25 (?).
(:

After the whole day, Jan impulsively invited me to her house to study and I impulsively agreed. :D
So I did, and after that we went for dinner at Macs.
(I know I know! Stop looking at me like that!!)
Then we went somewhat window-shopping around Ion.
I kena heartache again.
):

Jan, must go shopping soon!!
Sleepover again this June! :D

Hahaha it was a really fun and lovely evening.
I really love Jan. (:

I finally borrowed 2 books today form the library. They are free-verse poem kind of stories, and look so, so interesting.
I've read a bit of one, and it already got me hooked.
I love books again! (:
I think it's time I read some things other than Math worksheets, Biology textbooks and Geography notes.

My stomach is a hypocrite.
I finally give it what it wants, and then it refuses it! Denies it all! I feel so.. confused by it!
What do you want, really?!
After having Hunger's claws digging into me, pleading, begging for something, it dares to rebuke what I offer!
WTH.