I do it 'cause I get it

Today I am stocking up on Nicki Minaj songs for my phone for the India trip.

But I can never find versions that are decent.

And by decent I mean uncensored and unaltered.

And when I DO find decent ones, the download links don't work.

This sucks.

):

you've got my life in the palm of your hands

It tasted like a fall.

Do you know how a fall tastes like?

Ok, well, hm.

First it's a slight rush of sugar and salt to the back of your mouth, and nose too.

Then you feel like your head had been knocked or something like that.

Oh this isn't making any sense, but really!

I can taste falls.

Ok so.

I can't believe I miss you.

Omg so stupid, I thought I didn't.

I thought I would never.

But I actually did.

):

I don't know why I did.

I mean, it was odd!

So yeah, wonderful!

You made me realise!

-.-

But nahhh.

Not really.

You told me I would lose but I won

My heart swelled when I watched this video.

(':

I don't know why, but it makes me so happy to watch it.

And I've been very down lately.

But anyway, Nicki Minaj is really wonderful.

I love her outfit, it was perfect.

She was smiling and she looked so happy.

I'm so glad she credited Ester Dean for Super Bass.

And Taylor Swift.

And Lil Wayne.

And everyone else.

She is so humble.

(:

(:

(:

She makes me happy.

❤ ❤ ❤

you used to be here now you're gone, nair.

I can see through you.

Heck I can see through almost everybody actually.

You just don't know, right?

I hide it because I'm just too damn nice.

You just want the attention.

Don't you?

I feel pressurized.

I just read that the damn school is going to extend curriculum hours yet again.

Bullshit.

Bullfuckingshit.

I'm sorry you had to read that.

But swearing does make you feel better, according to a certain study.

(How vague.)

But I only swear inwardly.

Because I don't speak it.

I miss my friends.

I haven't seen them for soo long..

And I need more followers for tumblr.

I know Ilee has a wonderful tumblr.

(:

won't let you get away

Oh God NOOOO I'm completely hooked onto Tumblr!!!!
):

Aiyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

On another note, I have sort of perfected it and am ready to show it to the world!
(:

like shooting stars

Omg I am kinda addicted to tumblr now.

):

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe I am on a highhhhh.

say it like it is

I actually haven't said everything I would have liked to the Day 13/14 person.

):

But oh well.

I'll just bury the hatchet.

(:

Today I went to Book Fest at Suntec and I got so many books.

Omg I can just die from the excitement~

Ok I got only 3 books but that's a lot to me!

Plus the ones my sister got!

Heheheheheh this would make for an interesting holiday.

BUT I have to finish my homework first, no?

Meh, the books will be my reward.

But I'll read one of them on the flight to India.

Yay, so excited.

(:

Nicolette, you reading this?

I have a tumblr now.

I won't release it yet because it's still getting upgraded.

But I think it's really pretty, so far.

Hahaha.

Alright, goodbye for now!

you're the one I lean on

Ahhhh what a day.

I wanted to write some stuff but I feel so..

You know that feeling when everything is in your mind but you just don't feel like expressing it even when you want to?

Mm-hmmmm..

(:

when you're close, I don't breathe

Day 13/14: Someone who had drifted away from you but you wish could forgive you

You know lately, I've been thinking.

About why.. we aren't really..friends..anymore.

I feel so bad, really.

I am truly very sorry.

Because I swear it's me, not you.

And I have this terribly stupid secret that is actually the key to the mess.

But if you ever find out, that will so suck because I will look so stupid.

-.-

So I can't say why I'm not friends with you anymore..?

I'm really just trying to run away from my horrid past.

'Cause I'm so embarrassed with myself too.

If you please?

I'm sorry, I'm a horrible bitch.

I mean, now you know, yeah.

I've always said that but you never admitted it.

-.-

Alright.

That's it..?

Ok, goodbye.

these days go on, long after you've gone

Oh my God.

This song.

I used to love it when I was like, 5.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I still love it.

Oh my God.

My childhood memories are flooding back.

(':

These days, the world's all right, the sun shines bright,

I'm kicking out the bad dreams.

These days, I don't think twice, I walk on ice,

And I'm positively somewhere.

These days go on, long after you've gone.

you make me laugh, you make me hoarse

I had the most wonderful outing to USS with my dearest friends.

It was all so amazing.

I felt so blessed, really, no lie, to be there at that time and place.

(:

What else was amazing.

Hm, no queues at all!

I'm still amazed by that.

What a miracle.

So I took all the thrill rides multiple times.

It was so bloody awesome.

And you know what, it felt like heaven was smiling down on us, because it didn't rain!

Ok it did, a small passing shower.

And a drizzle.

But it was sunny.

And you know, rain on a sunlit day brings good luck!

(:

But one bad thing was that everything was overpriced.

):

But of course, right?

It's not a theme park for no reason..

But it was an enjoyable day nonetheless.

Very very destressing.

We took pictures with so many characters.

My favourite was the Betty Boop girl because she was SO funnily bimbotic.

"Ok girls, now follow what I do. Put your arms on your hips like this, then pop one foot out! ... That was beautiful!"

Hahahaha she said this in such a high childlike voice I felt like laughing with mirth.

She was adorable.

The rides were awesome lah, seriously.

Too bad I had to blow my nose after almost every ride.

Sucks to have a cold on that day.

But I still had a roll of toilet paper to last me the whole day.

(Caring friends stole it from Vivo for me.)

Lovely people GMH.

I know this isn't too long but I really can't further express my gratefulness for such wonderful people in my life.

I really, really felt blessed.

I couldn't believe whatever I was experiencing, but I smiled throughout the whole beautiful day.

And it was the day I started to worry less about my long-lost Cleo.

should've sent a thank you note

Someone needs to cheer me up asap.

):

I cannot talk because it hurts to do that.

And I've been blowing my nose since morning.

I think I used up half the tissue box today.

No actually, it's empty now.

Urghhhh.

Am I falling sick??

That sucks.

so I pull my hoodie down just to hide my face

I feel like a failure in every way.

Why is this happening to me?????

A few moments ago I just really wanted to write and hate on something so trivial.

Then I realised, what's my problem?

Do you know?

Do you know what my problem is?

'Cause I sure don't.

I don't know how I'm gonna be a psychologist like this.

AKIUGNJHNBVAKVF SKIFGVBGSJEUFAHELOIHFAEFYGBFS VUILEUVGFKKVUB GFDJSUDC.

Today I watched a documentary.

It was a very nice one.

look what you made me do

Tonight I was listening to the playlist of whatever songs I have on my phone, and then Impossible came up.

You know that amazing feeling when you suddenly what you're hearing loud and clear seems to just rush and flow through your whole body.

And you can do nothing but listen.

So that's what I did.

I couldn't continue reading because the music was just too I-finally-found-you.

So I stopped and closed my eyes and listened.

I do that when that feeling sweeps over me.

It's like wanting to just curl up into a ball and let the music come and take you away and heal whatever bruises you have.

It felt brilliant.

My bookmark for this amazing book I was reading is a green note from last year.

Well actually, it's a bookmark for every book I read, but that's besides the point.

It is a green little card with a quote in it.

It had been anonymous, and I suppose I will never find out who left it on my desk.

I keep it with me all the time because I guess it does remind me that someone cares.

And it tells me to hold on.

So I do.. try to.

This isn't making any sense, is it?

I am so sleepy now and my whole body aches with exhaustion but I only know that I have to keep on reading.

I cannot sleep, really.

And I feel as if shadows are stalking around the hallway now.

That's kinda creepy.

it's whatever you say, eh

My titles are all lines from Nicki Minaj's songs.

Just cause, you know?

Actually, I hate it when people like her as much as I do.

I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but really.

No kidding, I hate it.

It's because I had always felt possessive of something I love.

If I have something, you can never have it.

You know how it works.

I'm a selfish person.

It makes me feel good to know that I have something other people won't ever have.

It makes me feel better about myself.

In this case, such an obsession with Nicki Minaj.

You can listen to and like her songs, but I will hate it if you adored her with equal fervor.

I'd like to think of myself as The One Who Knows Nicki Minaj Best.

So.. yeah.

Only now you know, right?

Ooh how shocking.

What else.

I hate gaining weight.

I eat, but I don't like gaining.

I guess this sounds like I have some eating disorder or something.

But I don't.

However, I won't deny that I do not un-support it.

I've always respected anyone with an ED.

No reason.

Just 'cause.

And I don't have one because I still eat like normal girls do.

I just curb myself enough to not gain weight.

I know I'm probably kind of skinny already.

But I just don't want to go into the 'acceptable' range.

I don't.

I'd rather stick with being underweight.

I won't mind going further.

In my darkest times, I had wished I were anorexic.

And lately, that I were bulimic.

But no, that hasn't happened yet.

Because I just can't keep away from all that food.

Yes yes, what a disgrace.

Whatever, because I don't want to faint for nothing anymore.

But yes, those had been my wishes sometime before.

That's what I call wannarexic.

I wonder if you wonder why I am like this.

Well I've got to admit it's just to make up for my earlier overweight years.

I used to be so fucking fat in primary school.

I was in that, what dyou call it, TAF club thing.

I agree, eww.

How I used to eat makes me shudder.

So I decided to shed all the weight off.

I have been somehow influenced by thinspo, I can't deny that either actually.

So I hope you will understand me here.

If I say that I don't want to eat, please get it.

I just don't want to be fat again.

40 & below sounds perfectly fine to me.

And is the first time ever that I had been reflected as 'underweight' in my record book.

So I am proud of myself.

I am loving it.

Double digit in lbs, whoopee.

I had never thought of myself as pretty, actually.

Maybe because I am not.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that some people think I am.

I am not being self-centered by saying this so openly, I'm just honestly asking.

So, how come it's like that.

I think I'm becoming bitchier everyday.

I had never been like this before.

I wonder what had influenced me for this one.

I really do.

I think I am actually an attention whore too.

Maybe because I am one.

It's stupid but yeah.

I like attention when I'm feeling bold.

Otherwise, I'd just prefer melting somewhere.

Sometimes, I feel like hiding under the table.

But that would look stupid if I really did do it, so I don't.

You know, I actually really love people playing with my hair.

I almost always get goosebumps.

There's just an eerie delight about it.

It's like a cat getting her chin scratched, or her head stroked.

Same thing.

I wish I had an elder sister.

Is that why I feel like I'm being more and more frivolously childish too?

I don't quite know.

Whatever it is, I will never have one.

Period.

She said don't you ever show this

This article just gave me hope.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I feel so much more at peace now.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Man last time I checked I was bubblin out

(1) Ground Yourself

It might seem that the hardest thing to do when you've just lost something is to relax... but it's also the most important. Your anxiety can and does create conflict in the physical world. By calming your mind and your heart, you will allow for harmony to manifest in the outside world. We ground our electrical appliances to prevent them from sparking and starting fires... and we need to do the same thing for our energetic bodies. You can ground yourself by visualizing a long cord running down from you, down below your feet, far into the core of the Earth. Imagine that all the worries and troubles that beleague you are falling down, down, down that cord, never to return.


(2) Hope for a Reality Shift

When my young daughter used to lose things, she would say, "Hope for reality shift! Hope for reality shift!" over and over again as she walked around the house. Her intention of allowing for her lost item to return (even to a place we'd already looked) helped make such a reunion possible. I now make sure that I say my intention out loud any time I've lost something that I dearly love and wish to find again. I know that it is possible for lost things to reappear in places I have thoroughly searched -- and even sometimes in very strange or unusual places. This intention is extremely important, because it gives the universe permission to return your lost item to you when you allow for a miraculous shift in reality to occur.


(3) Meditate

An easy meditation for finding lost things is based on breathing. As you exhale, imagine that you are breathing out all your worries and fears. As you inhale, imagine that you are breathing in love. You are letting go of any sense of panic or loss, and feeling more and more loving and loved. If you have another favorite meditation, this is a very good time to do it. The main idea now is to remain grounded as you relax further, while opening your mind and heart fully into experiencing whatever this moment brings.


(4) Feel Your Love for What is Lost

While all the previous steps are very important, feeling your love for what you have lost is undoubtedly the most important. While you continue staying grounded and breathing in love, remember all your favorite memories about what you've just lost. Allow yourself the luxury of feeling as much of that love as possible. Feel your heart growing warmer and warmer with those feelings of love. This love you are feeling is the bond between you and what has been lost, and by feeling your love as strongly as you can, you are calling what you love to return to you.


(5) Let Go

You've now done all you can do. It's time to trust that the universe will consider your request for a reunion with what you've lost. It's time to let go of any worries, fears, doubts, or concerns that might still be lingering. Just trust that everything is exactly right somehow, and continue with your everyday activities as usual. If you find your mind obsessing about what you've lost, go back to the first step and go through all these steps again. You'll find that the more you practice grounding and meditating, the easier these things become, and the easier it will be for you to stop worrying.


(6) Appreciate the Surprise Reunion

One moment, when you least expect it, you'll find what you lost. It may appear in a place you know you thoroughly checked... it may appear in a completely ridiculous place (like the time my daughter's favorite shoes once appeared on the pillow of her bed). Savor this moment, and fully absorb the improbability of your reunion and your delight and joy at finding what you lost. The appreciation and gratitude you feel will help bring more lost things home to you.

I drove for miles just to find you and find myself

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.

I'm a bitch, I'm a monster.

I could really use a wish right now.

I am being hypocritical here, too, because I realise I can't smile because I have no reason to.

I don't like to force myself to do something I don't feel like doing.

So I'm going to pause my letters.

Drifting away, I'm one with the sunset

I am so upset.

This had been a crappy week.

I miss my songs.

Stop going on about how "they're just songs".

I f-ing get it.

But I don't think you understand.

I guess you don't know how much it meant to me..?

I guess you don't know how the Nicki Minaj songs on it had kept me going for so long.

I can play them on my phone's youtube, of course, but it's not the same.

Do you get it?

Do you f-ing get it?

It's ok, you won't.

I've had it for 3 full years, how can you expect me to not feel some kind of connection with it?!

Please don't talk to me about Nicki Minaj being fake.

Please don't even go there.

That's extremely superficial.

I don't think you have heard many other songs besides her commercial Super Bass..

I'm sorry..

I feel so..

Please, please can someone find my MP3 player for me?

I am a wreck and I've thrown too many tantrums.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now.

I have that song on my MP3.

I can't listen to it anymore right now.

Oh yeah, my 11/11/11 11:11:11 wish didn't f-ing come true.

And to keep it all real is kinda hurtin' me

Ahhhhh ok.

I'm taking things slowly now.

I mean, what else can I do?

Smile, smile, smile, keep smiling!

Because every caterpillar will morph into a pretty, pretty butterfly in the end.

❤

My mind is set, I'm waiting on you

Oh this is horrid.

My dearest MP3 player is gone.

Without a trace.

Where are you?

Please my dear, will you come back to me?

I am such a wreck without you.

This sucks.

I feel idiotic for talking to an inanimate object like that but.

You do know, don't you, how it feels to have lost something so familiar to you.

I've had that player for 3 years, and it's been with me through my pubescent times.

I had seen it from when it was filled with Rihanna only, and then slowly, subsequently, Avril Lavigne, Justin Bieber, Timbaland, and most importantly Nicki Minaj.

Plus several others, of course.

I can't believe this had happened to me.

How am I going to listen to Catch Me when I feel like shit, and the remix of Sweet Dreams?

You know, because it is impossible to find it on youtube.

This must seem soo incoherent but I think I just need to let it out.

I mean, it has too much sentimental value!

The screen cracked, but so what?

I still used it like it was flawless.

It froze up on me once at Genting last year, I still want to bring it there this year.

Because it is so very deeply precious to me.

I can't even explain it.

I can't explain how much I need it back.

I was having a nap just now because I couldn't do anything else to stop thinking about it.

And it haunted me in my dreams.

I kept dreaming that I found it, I found the dear lost MP3 player.

But I kept stirring awake and kept realising that it was only my subconscious playing tricks on me.

It was torture like hell.

Please please please please please come back to me.

Maybe I deserved it for being such a bad person, but please!

It had caused me enough trouble today.

I lost patience with so many people.

Oh god, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it at all.

Please please please come back to me, my MP3 player.

I think I will call you Cleo.

Short for Cleopatra Creative.

)':

I will never sleep well like this.

)':

I'm startin to feel like a dungeon dragon

Nice day out today!

(:

It was Papa's birthday, (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) so we went for lunch at Ion.

I had a lovely lunch, of course!

(:

I think I am falling sick like everyone else.

Aryan's sick again and he's coughing everywhere.

I'm starting to cough too.

):

But then again, I don't mind being sick, if it's after Os!

I haven't fallen ill at all this year!

Hmm nothing much to talk about..

Today I found a remix of Roman's Revenge with Lil Wayne in it.

I am a happy girl.

I think I can die of its awesomeness.

):

Oh well, busy week ahead!

Bye!

Keep smiling~

There is a fine line between reality & dreams.

I've been wanting to write this for so very long, because I just want to put this down.

But, well um, I have no idea how to put this across.

I mean, it's so clear in my head, but it is so hard to put it in words!

Know what I mean?

Dreams continue to reel sometimes when I wake up in the morning.

I can see it like a movie for the first few seconds of the day, right in front of my eyes, as they open.

But slowly, humbly, it fades away as real life sets in.

And I remember where I am, who I am and my whole life.

It's quite queer, because I feel as if the dreams I have have a mind of their own and think they are inferior to reality.

So when it returns to grasp a hold of me, they disappear quietly to let reality take the reins.

Because they know that reality is the conqueror of my life.

And that they are nothing- dreams are nothing.

So they melt away to make way for it.

It's a little sad, don't you think?

):

Who to talk to at 12.19am?

It's not your fault- I'm a bitch, I'm a monster

Day 3- Your parents

Dear mama & papa,

You're the best parents anyone can ever have.

Sorry for all the trouble I've put you through.

Lovelovelove,

Audi

To have and to hold, till death do us part

What a long day.

Tomorrow will be one too!

It's going to be Papa's birthday tomorrow.

(:

And I have issues. ):

):

):
):

):

):

):

):

):

I need to write.

I came to win, to survive

I am awake, why am I still awake!

I want to sleep, it will be a long day tomorrow!

AHHH I am so stupid.

):

Goodnight!

She pose like it's for posters

Today I didn't do anything much.

*guilty*

But I watched ANTM S17 today!

It's an all-star season, meaning previous contestants from many many previous cycles that are fan faves compete amongst one another to win ANTM all over again!

It was SO good! (:

And the best part was Kayla Ferrel was one of the contestants AND Nicki Minaj was the guest judge!!!!

(:

I feel horrible because I ate a lot today.

):

I think it's 'cause I got too complacent earlier today and ate a lot more than I should have.

Plus it's hari raya haji tomorrow and that means more food.

Oh well.

):

I be stuck to you like glue, baby

Day 2- Your crush

Dear crush,

Well hm, I'm over you. Really, I am.

Love,

Audi.

This one's for my girlfriend

Day 1- Your best friend

Dear Diary,

You're my best friend because you keep all my secrets and never tell anyone. You're wonderful and you listen to everything I

No wait, my diary isn't my bff. It's just the keeper of my soul.

(Hahaha jk.)

Dear Anis,

I am so glad that you are my sister and my best friend at the same time. I am so glad for all that we've been through, ever since you've been born. And also for all the stupid arguments we had before. They were quite dumb, no?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

Dear best friend,

By 'best friend', I mean someone whom I feel is made to be my bff, and vice versa. So I might have not found you yet. I hope we meet soon, k? I'll be mean and annoying with my flaws, but you'll get it, and I'll get your problems, and we'll argue a lot but make up again. And do all the things best friends do. Alrighty. Seeya soon, girl!

Love,

Audi.

'Cause it's finally famous

I just listened to the weirdest song Nicki Minaj did.

-.-

It's not her song, it's just Big Sean ft her.

-.-

-.-

-.-

-.-

-.-

-.-

Anyway, I am SO glad it's the weekend!

It had been a loooong week even though it's not normal school!

So weird :/

It felt like a Wednesday today honestly.

(Omg I forgot how to spell Wednesday and I had to use spell-check. Stupid or what.)

And yay for long weekend!

(:

Am so gonna sleep now.

Goodnight, little birds!

I am not a girl that can ever be defined

Ah today was not a very eventful day.

But I still had a nice enough time.

(:

Anyway, I feel like I cannot continue anymore.

My day had been so uneventful I have nothing to say about it.

Aww.

):

Hmmmmmmm I am pretty nervous for tomorrow cooking session haha.

Just cause.

I am playing Neopets again oh my how lame but ah so addictive I am so tempted to keep building up my store of neopoints.

Oh you know what?

Since I'm 'so bored' I can go and do that letters thing!

Yeah, and I'll keep faithful to it.

I hope.