it's whatever you say, eh

My titles are all lines from Nicki Minaj's songs.

Just cause, you know?

Actually, I hate it when people like her as much as I do.

I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but really.

No kidding, I hate it.

It's because I had always felt possessive of something I love.

If I have something, you can never have it.

You know how it works.

I'm a selfish person.

It makes me feel good to know that I have something other people won't ever have.

It makes me feel better about myself.

In this case, such an obsession with Nicki Minaj.

You can listen to and like her songs, but I will hate it if you adored her with equal fervor.

I'd like to think of myself as The One Who Knows Nicki Minaj Best.

So.. yeah.

Only now you know, right?

Ooh how shocking.

What else.

I hate gaining weight.

I eat, but I don't like gaining.

I guess this sounds like I have some eating disorder or something.

But I don't.

However, I won't deny that I do not un-support it.

I've always respected anyone with an ED.

No reason.

Just 'cause.

And I don't have one because I still eat like normal girls do.

I just curb myself enough to not gain weight.

I know I'm probably kind of skinny already.

But I just don't want to go into the 'acceptable' range.

I don't.

I'd rather stick with being underweight.

I won't mind going further.

In my darkest times, I had wished I were anorexic.

And lately, that I were bulimic.

But no, that hasn't happened yet.

Because I just can't keep away from all that food.

Yes yes, what a disgrace.

Whatever, because I don't want to faint for nothing anymore.

But yes, those had been my wishes sometime before.

That's what I call wannarexic.

I wonder if you wonder why I am like this.

Well I've got to admit it's just to make up for my earlier overweight years.

I used to be so fucking fat in primary school.

I was in that, what dyou call it, TAF club thing.

I agree, eww.

How I used to eat makes me shudder.

So I decided to shed all the weight off.

I have been somehow influenced by thinspo, I can't deny that either actually.

So I hope you will understand me here.

If I say that I don't want to eat, please get it.

I just don't want to be fat again.

40 & below sounds perfectly fine to me.

And is the first time ever that I had been reflected as 'underweight' in my record book.

So I am proud of myself.

I am loving it.

Double digit in lbs, whoopee.

I had never thought of myself as pretty, actually.

Maybe because I am not.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that some people think I am.

I am not being self-centered by saying this so openly, I'm just honestly asking.

So, how come it's like that.

I think I'm becoming bitchier everyday.

I had never been like this before.

I wonder what had influenced me for this one.

I really do.

I think I am actually an attention whore too.

Maybe because I am one.

It's stupid but yeah.

I like attention when I'm feeling bold.

Otherwise, I'd just prefer melting somewhere.

Sometimes, I feel like hiding under the table.

But that would look stupid if I really did do it, so I don't.

You know, I actually really love people playing with my hair.

I almost always get goosebumps.

There's just an eerie delight about it.

It's like a cat getting her chin scratched, or her head stroked.

Same thing.

I wish I had an elder sister.

Is that why I feel like I'm being more and more frivolously childish too?

I don't quite know.

Whatever it is, I will never have one.

Period.