I wonder why the moon looks nice

I'm tireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
*cries*
I sound like a whiny brat but oh, really I do feel drained.
I feel so glad for Study Camp (ahahaha so politically correct today!) because when I get home I can just jump into bed early and sleep because all my work would have been done.
I don't sleep at 12am++ every night anymore.
This here is so crude.

Am reading A Little Princess again.
And I don't know why but with every read I discover something new of it.
That book is magical.
I think I can relate to almost every character: little proud Sara; the dull, clingy, yet affectionate Ermengarde St John; sweet, timid Becky; spiteful and most disagreeable Lavinia; Lottie who is very much like a pet; and cold, fishy Miss Minchin.
I don't think I can ever get sick of it.
The beauty of it nourishes.

gotta row your boat

So I was all snuggled up in bed and thinking of things like I always do before I sleep.
And suddenly it flashes through my mind and I realize something.
(And yes, it's so 'important' that I have to get up from my much-loved bed and go to many lengths to get the com on.)

Well anyway, it just dawned on me how much I hate having people, especially those I'm not close to, read my planner.
That book is simply just whatever the heck I'd be thinking throughout the day.
I mean, when I first got it, I told myself already that I would pen down whatever I want to in that thing.
And I don't think anyone knows how much I appreciate song lyrics and that those are mostly what the planner's pages consist of: the words and quotes that completely convey my feelings at that point in time.
Well then obviously, I keep everything au naturel and write it as it is, meaning nothing is edited and everything is how it was and how I would want it to be because that makes it all real.

So when I have people asking me if they could see my planner, please, I would say "Yes, but it's at your own discretion."
(Yeah, I should say that forever from now onwards!)
And then they would read it and I would be thinking oh well you asked for it and then after some time they would be all omg why are you so vulgar seriously? and I would have to explain that all those lines are from songs and then they'll be like what kind of songs do you listen to lol and in my head I'm saying I listen to whatever song I want to bloody listen to but in real life I just smile sweetly and not say anything because if I do I won't be able to be polite.
So. Bloody. Irritating.
I'm not obliged to explain myself and how my mind works to you ok?
I'm not average get over it already.

I hate feeling obliged to people.
It's the worst thing you can ever do to yourself.

):
And please don't even try reading anything out loud for God's sake.
Those words are meant to be read with the heart and their melodies heard with the soul.
So unless you know the song it came from and how the words are supposed to sound, keep yourself silent, if you please.
-_- ):

Therefore, I really appreciate those who don't bother with wanting to see it or even those who do, but don't make too much of a fuss.
Thank you so very much.

And all the best for everyone taking MT O's tomorrow.
I really do mean that.

but that's just something to do when there's nothing to do.
she's losing it right now.

you can kiss the ring but you never touch the crown

Today I R&Red enough.
Tomorrow I have a whole list of (definitely propitious) things to do.
Hmmm *thinks*
Should I go out tomorrow?
Anis is away for camp so I'm alone.
I hate going out alone.
Should I or should I not go then.
Whatevs.

And if the potted plant on the windowsill of the classroom wilts when we return Term 3, I promise I will cry.
That almost-a-tree is one of the most miraculous and wondrous things I've ever seen and if it dies..
Oh, if it dies.

You know, it would be really nice to walk around town alone.
Just saying.

Well I think it is quite discernible that I am now at a truce, really, with Life and the likes.
Ahaha I guess when you find sweet, halcyon ways to escape from reality, things get along okay.
I've been reading a lot.
Last week I had a stash of books under my desk to last me.
It's a great idea!
Keeping a store for whenever you need them.
They're like drugs, but not as incendiary.
And books are lovely.
I've also slept more.
The whole week I was in bed by 11pm.
It is a perfectly amazing thing to do.
And it's the best part of the whole day - ending it.
I love the dreams I have.
They're like silk soft camisoles I slip into every night to dance and twirl in.
And real life loses grip and you hold the reins for anything and whatever.

So tonight I look forward to my sleep.

Gucci, Gucci.
Fendi, Fendi, Prada.
All the bitches wear the shiz so I don't even bother.

I just hope your heart hear me now

BOOM! and hell yes.
I love this song and I'm so psyched the music v. came out.
:) :) :)

I'm not living life.
I'm not living right.
I'm not living if you're not by my side.

so I keep walking on broken glass for you

This is not fair, but I've lost every care; I want you.
You-ou-ou. You. You-ou-ou.
I wear these tears and pretend they're not there just for you.
You-ou-ou. You.
Hurting myself, you say that I need help and I do.
Do-o-o. Do. Do-o-o.
Under your spell; if you look, you can tell I love you.
You-ou. I do.
-Poisoned With Love

So Neon Hitch is still amazing.

I'm out of shots

Okay so I just had the most monotonous day of the week, as tiresome as a stifled yawn.
And this thing here gon be one of the most crude, unpolished things my hands had ever wrought.
I started the day, against sound judgement, with deep fried finger food.
Now, really, in that one sitting, don't know how I dunnit, but I could have swallowed a cupful of oil and it would've made no difference.
And you know how it feels to have oil cling onto your bones and clog up every path in you (so I don't get how anyone can eat something so oily and not go deranged from it at all).
It was sickly and I couldn't rid of it.
(Why am I even trying?)
My hands were lead through and through.
Couldn't being myself to write a decent-looking word till the afternoon bell rang.
They was all just incoherent lines and swirls decorating my papers, as if I was in a sleep trance.
But I wasn't and my mind was up but I s'pose my hands wasn't.
Must've been the weather.

Oh no, I can't even.
I am so listless.
Listless!
I am not here.
I don't feel alive like I am supposed to.
Am I missing something?
I need that youthful spark so many have spoken of.
Well so unfortunately I don't feel like I can say anything here and stuff I mean this is so pointless I'm just gonna give this up or something.
#dontbother
:(

left me with nothing good

I should have discovered this sooner.
It was love at first listen.

dealing with a heart that I didn't break

The dream I had last night was one of the best I've ever had.

It felt like sweet, scented oil that washed all over me and soothed every raw part of my being.

And I felt so engulfed, enveloped, but in a nice, good way.

I never wanted to wake up, but I did.

I am seriously considering doing something I've been thinking about for a long time.

And no, it's not something detrimental.

(I think.)

It's a make or break thing.

One of the riskiest things I've ever had to consider.

But then again, it is so tempting.

And I don't want to be tortured like this anymore.

I mean, it's right there.

You only live once.

She's prettier than I'll ever be.

Got yourself a beauty queen.

But there's something I gotta say.

She can love you good, but I can F___ U Betta.

This song is addictive.

Hahahaha.

I love Neon Hitch.

Crazy, right.

I'm going insane and nobody even notices.

That's good.

Except I need someone equally demented to be with.

I need someone I can confide everything in.

I need someone who will just go, "Mm-hmm, ok, cool. So what's so wrong about that??" with every secret I spill.

Someone who doesn't mind doing things unheard of with me.

Wellllllll ok.

That's all.

Someone like you?
More like someone unlike you or something that's familiar maybe.

that you think you found

looking for the right way to do the wrong things

Have I used that line before for a title?
Who cares, I'll use it again because it's apt.

Looking for the right way to do the wrong things.
You & the music were the only things I commit to.
Live for the day, plan for tomorrow, party the night.
Everybody has an addiction; mine happens to be you.

Addiction.
Addiction.
Addiction.
Addiction.
Addiction.
How do I wean myself off of all this?

And oh, it all kind of rhymes.
That's funny, because I never meant those lines to.
They're all just the appropriate lines by Drake I put together because uh, whose music can get to me as well as his when I'm in this mood?

You got that shit that somebody would look for but won't find.

Oh, what the hell.

Today my guardian angel sent me signs because I asked for one/some.
So I am content with the fact that I have an angel.
Quite literally.

Look what you've done for me.

This is going nowhere.
In fact, I feel so blank and nullified.
Nullified?
What a queer word to use.
Why did I use that?

A few days ago an acquaintance got hold of my planner and read it's pages.
I didn't mind because nobody stopped her from glimpsing into my delirious reality as a confused adolescent.
Delirious.
I like that word.
Delirious.
Delirious.
Delirious.
I like how it sounds; how it feels on my tongue.

You said something about a cold drink?
I don't know.. I'm delirious.

I derailed.
So she read my planner and started laughing in a little lost manner because she just couldn't match what was in that with me.
I laughed with her because I already knew that.
My mind is not quite easy to comprehend and I understand that.
I don't even think anyone knows half of what goes on in me.

You only want what's real, you just never found it.
You won't feel me until everybody say they love you, but it's not love.

I wish I were an angel.

I'm been faded too long.

and show me why you deserve to have it all

I looked away.
Why did I have to do that?
Let a perfectly good opportunity slip right through my damn fingers.
So now all I can do is imagine what could have happened.
Shit.

a reality living in the matrix

I'm excited. :)
Tonight I'm going to sleep at 10pm and it's going to be a lovely, peaceful night.
#littlethingsinlifeiappreciate
Huhhh I don't usually do that, do I?
Maybe I should get a Twitter...?
Nah, not now.


Anyway, what happened today.
Ms Song was talking about an app during Bio.
It monitors your sleeping schedule- those light and deep sleep periods- based on your movements during sleep and then wakes you up when you're in the light sleep stage so you feel good when you awaken, because when jolted from deep sleep you wake up feeling like crap.
Cool. No wonder I feel like crap most mornings.
It would be good if I had it, no?
Except I don't have an iPhone, ha.


Well I fasted today also.
Great! because now I have 5 days left to pay back.
It's funny 'cause I actually wasn't hungry the whole day.
It was really better than my normal school days because usual days I eat so little (think 10g of cereal and a fruit and water) to last for the whole day because I have no damn time to eat.
So I guess my body was used to the hunger; rejoiced, even, when I started the day with rice.


I was thinking about freedom of speech, actually.
Some point of time today that got raised up and I'm thinking
freedom of speech is a bloody paradox.
I have this huge mess in my mind right now that makes perfect sense to me but I can't make it out in words.
So I don't know where to start.
Hm.


You naturally can't have freedom of speech without compromising on someone's feelings.
And you can't possibly be insensitive because that's inhumane.
So in actual fact, the whole argument about freedom of speech, for and against, is truly just a fight between what you can say and what you are supposed to say.
Is that not it?
Being able to speak of anything is not hard. As humans with the capability to talk and a mind to think, you can do that.
But it's what you can spit out and what you have to keep mum that makes up freedom of speech, isn't it?
Then there's no more freedom in speech, is there?
Do I come across right?


It's like this blog, this whole site.
I mean, it's my place, I suppose one of my establishments on the web.
I own this, do I not?
And yet I'm supposed to keep restrictions on what I write.
Think about it, ok.
It's some place you're supposed to use to expose yourself, but you're really not allowed to.
Like it's an unspoken rule.


I'm just thinking that everything is funny.
We are capable of anything, really.
(And I mean, anything.)
It's just our conscience holding us back.


Okay, I don't think I sound sane.
Oh well.
Talk to me about this in real life, I actually wanna know what you think.


Drake is still amazing.
I now have soft spots for every track on Take Care.

❤ for life.


You only want what's real, you just never found it.
-Practice

"it's alright..it's alright."

Can I just not sleep?

they lovin' the crew

Coffee acting up again.
I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes, I mean, getting caffeine shots at night?
Really?
I must be crazy.


We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed.
I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know.

F-ck that nigga that you love so bad,
I know you still think about the times we had.
I said, f-ck that nigga that you think you found,
And since you picked up, I know he's not around.

Talk to me, please; don't have much to believe in.
I need you right now. Are you down to listen to me?
Too many drinks have been given to me.

Sprite and that mixed up; I've been talking crazy, girl.
I'm lucky that you picked up, lucky that you stayed on.
I need someone to put this weight on.

You're not going to come?
I guess I'm bout to just.. kick it here then.

Just throw up while I hold your hair back.
Her white friend said "you niggas crazy"
I hope no one heard that.
I hope no one heard that.
'Cause if they did we gon be in some trouble.

If you was in a pine box,
I would surely break the lock.
I'd jump right in and fall asleep.
'Cause you are the death of me.

Am I down, am I down?
Yeah I'm all the way down.
We'll be fine.


Yeah, I could use somebody right now.

don't let me die young

When the bus turns left, we suddenly dive into a world bathed in pink and pale violet light and I think, oh, the sun sets there, because on the polar end the sky is coloured only a monotonous, faded cobalt.

It was lovely.

cups of the rosé

I am in a really ethereal mood right now and I don't know why.
It must be because of Marvin's Room.
I love, love, love Drake's, and JoJo's, and Lil Wayne's spins.
Amazing.
Incredible.
I can cry.
It's the kind of beat that makes you swell and want to burst.
And the kind that makes 'fuck' actually sound good.

And Brokeback Mountain.
I can cry.
And I cried.

Such beautiful, beautiful things.

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad
She's not crazy like me; I bet you like that
I said fuck that new girl that's been in your bed
And when you're in her I know I'm in your head.


That burns really good.

adderall and red bull

I miss the RC room somehow.
You know, it has this sweet, secluded intimacy about it.
When it's hot out, it's cool in.
And when it's freezing crazy out there, it's brilliantly warm and glowing inside.
Always.
Always, always, always.

this call is a mistake

lipstick on the glass

I think recently I dreamt that I got 18/25 for the next F. Geog test.

bury me in satin

My poor sister who, only last night, tucked me into bed as if I were a little girl, is sick. She is asleep beside me now and I pray she gets better soon..

Oh shucks. Not another dream like it. What the.. And you know times like this, I like some peace and quiet so I can get round myself but my room is always occupied by some other person for some bloody reason. Is there nowhere else to do household chores?? I mean, it's my room.. And I still have to think of that dream and try to explain it. Oh my god. Damn. I think coffee would help right now. *tries to think normal thoughts*