back with an 808

I have a couple stray thoughts they're really IMPORTANT!! but I have no time for them yet so I'll leave them be for the moment anyway you go ahead have a good day.

sugar, sugar, sugar

"bat control your hormones please. whatever your gal pal is doing to you is clearly not enough."

"oh it's more than enough."

I turned so red from trying not to scream and laugh and hide in embarrassment all at once.

sell me candy

oh ffs.

diamonds on my neck

"I hope someday you will fall in love."
(sincere, genuine, doe-eyed)
"thank you."
(quiet, hushed, tight-lipped)

I can't creative-write anymore.

that's how we ball out

“Vanity”, 1890, Auguste Toulmouche.

hey look it's me..!
and u too you're gorgeous
give urself a kiss

pour it up

I swear I never knew I needed to see harry and zayn make out this much
till tonight
i am so sad
pls let's throw louis into the equation too
aww shucks.

watch it all fall out

ugh I'm angry right now bc


no

no

no

no

imma tell you something, kids
it's so warm rn idk what to do
i have heart palpitations
if u are not frustrated u are lying to urself

find a way to get up off the ground

I like one direction because they're marketed at pre-teen/teenage girls, but if you're more aware and able to think deeper and question things shoved down your throat by the media you know they're not that superficial

they're not really bubblegum pop

they hide a lot

lie a lot

it's a sinister thing

and that's how older fans get sucked in

yay

don't take nothing from nobody

anyway I can't sleep right now so maybe I'll just write about what happened a week ago

(again, for personal reference)

in one single line

turns out they won't let me see the xx

and ok I see u you're thinking

what

but yes ok

I broke down

I told u I would be ruined/wrecked if I don't manage to see them

so here u go

I was ruined

it was supposed to be

the thing that keeps me going

the thing on the horizon I can look forward to

u feel me

in a time when everything feels like it is in a disarray

I thought

hey maybe

maybe this can be one thing that is fixed and sure

it's just there I don't have to worry about it not being there

it's something I won't mess up

it's something handed to me not something I have to create myself

(and henceforth destroy inevitably)

and I've thought of it for so long

I've been looking forward to it since

oh since just march only march nbd

I've been thinking hard of the things that would happen on the evening of august 2nd

what I would wear

how I would get there

applause and all

for them live

thank u for giving me something to listen to for when I am not in this world, for when I am ethereal

thank u for being the soundtrack to my uk trip (very aptly so)

thank u for creating one of my favourite larry anthems

thank u

thank you

it's even on my bucketlist

(a list of things that constitute my light:

future ed sheeran/the xx gigs)

it's harsh

because I have to let go of this

and

idk

it's harsh because I had to give it up for something that is entirely embedded on faith

which

faith means you believe even if it's not something concrete

and I can't take anything not concrete at this point in my life

(existential crisis I guess)

so I had to trade and it was painful

and cruel

I was thinking

and idk if I may ever get the chance to see them again

or hear of them ever again

I mean

indie groups that are so intimate

but I broke down

the way

a highly-strung person would

when she realises on a monday morning that

she's forgotten to bring her earpieces.

well I'm not saying the xx is trivial

it's not

I'm saying that it shook me up so bad

the way it won't

under normal circumstances.

danced all night to the best song ever

said her name was Georgia Rose,
and her daddy was a dentist.
said I had a dirty mouth
but she kissed me like she meant it.

so many things wrong with these lyrics
one direction do not think we do not see u
we see u
we see ur big euphemism
we see ur innuendo
we see ur inappropriate references.

yeah anyway, I am excited for the music video to come out
: )

(things I've learnt in recent weeks)

Don't discredit your feelings!!

Never discredit your feelings!!!

u r important!!

u can't have someone love u if u don't love yourself first!!

If you feel pretty take a selfie!!
and tell yourself

I feel pretty I am pretty you can't stop my pretty!

u don't need to be thin to be pretty!!

all u need is to eat healthy and be fit not skinny never skinny!!

do what makes u beautiful

but not what harms u!!!

don't self-harm!

that's not loving urself!!

that's hurting urself and making u feel useless which is a

bIG NO-NO!!

be responsible for ur work!!

if u r in the wrong man/lady up and admit it and work to rectify it urself!!

only then can u be content and guiltless!!!!

make ur life a big to-do list

and feel accomplished and satisfied when u finish things!!

and then u can sleep early every night with

a smile on ur face!!!

you are your own world!!!!!!!

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

kiss who we want

all-aboard-next-stop-bullshit:

Before I was a Larry shipper, I used to think that people would freeze Harry when they made these gifs.

Now I know, he’s just intently staring at his boyfriend.

IS HE EVEN FUCKING BREATHING?

*FEELS PHYSICALLY ILL*

*TRIES NOT TO HAVE A DRAMATIC EXIT*

*TRIES TO LEAVE QUIETLY*

I JUST WANT TO NOT.

LEARNING BY THE BOOK

OH MY GOD

LAZY TOWN

BAKING CAKE THINGS BY THE BOOK

OR THE CAKE WILL TURN OUT CRAZY

I WANT TO SLEEP

GET ME OUT OF THIS

OH MY GOD

I PAID FOR IT BUT ITS NOT FOR ME

ITS WORTH IT

LIKE IDC

IDC I JUST

DC

OH MY GOD

MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE GOOD
U CAN'T STOP MY GOOD LIFE
NO ONE CAN STOP MY GOOD LIFE
NOTHING CAN STOP MY GOOD LIFE
I JUST NEED TO STOP BEING SILLY
IM OK
EVEN IF IM SAD
IM OK
IM

another dose of my oxygen

oh gosh I’ve been waiting for a good quality gif of this for so long the way harry says ‘he’s got nice eyes’ all smitten and struck by Louis and Louis flirting and all flustered cos he doesn’t know what to do with the complimentand zayn is touching him and saying the same thing but Louis only has eyes for Harry and for just a few seconds they’re in their own little bubble til Louis snaps out of it (by itsamadandfunny)

even a thousand miles can't keep us apart

I want Janelle to be here.
and we would have week-long sleepovers
and I would show her around singapore
and she would eat all kinds of singaporean food
and I would know what she thinks of durian
and I would tell her all my secrets
and she won't think i'm silly
and she'll tell me if i'm doing things wrong
and criticise me where necessary
and I would know she has flaws
but it's ok
and since she's technically younger than me
i'd have this urge to keep her safe
and in turn someday
i'd go back with her
and taste the food her mom makes
and see her sister and brother 
and explore florida and/or jamaica
and we'd sleep in the same bed
because we protect each other and all
(words of affirmation)
anyway if u are wondering we are not in love
this isn't a long-distance relationship
it's a long-distance friendship
which is equally sad.

you leave with the tide

blood-red curtains and blood-red apples

of the morning

because I decided today was no time for school

(but if you spoke to someone more honest

you'd know it was a decision made six hours ago

when-)

so when morning came

and people walked in and out

with purpose and reason

(in preparation for the nascent day)

where I was there existed only

stillness

and

blankness

and

emptiness

under swathing sheets

with pretty caramel lying upset on her side beside my own

and some poetry book digging uncomfortably into the side of my face

(since I hadn't bothered with putting it away nicely prior)

and a heart that is as indifferent as it is spent

(because I can't give a shit anymore)

lost causes & never minds and

Where are you?

nope no school for me today..

How come?

huh no lah I just don't feel well

What are you down with?

"last night I hyperventilated for 45 minutes"

how jargon-ic and it sounds silly

"panic attack"

overstatement

and lies maybe

innacurate ones

is anyone asking? idk I just don't feel well but it's not bad enough for the doctor's I don't want to see

good enough

Larry wanted to know.

so I snickered a tiny bit at this a little fondly

and now I'm writing this

(also writing excuse letters)

and it is the silliest thing I've written maybe

because it just is

and anyway I want to keep this aside for my own reference

(-nothing I did stopped the panic

or the nothingness in the limbs

or the helplessness
breathe, says anis
her fingers twine around mine
and
I am limp in her arms
but how..?
can't

so fucking weak)

because I just want to

and the thing no one understands is

(look at all this poetic wannabeing don't fucking care)

I just don't feel in control

and you are telling me to make sure I know what I'm doing

I fucking don't

and I can give two shits about knowing what I'm doing

my problem right now is I feel indoctrinated

and

I think I am losing my mind

and I can't deal with that

like you can't make sure you know what you're doing if you are not emotionally stable

for fuck's sake

pretty sure I'm not emotionally stable

dissociation to survive the unsurvival

(words of affirmation)

it's petty

people are going to hell for loving someone of the same gender

eternal damnation in an unending inferno for living a life of love

as You had ordained

I feel sad

maybe I'd be going to hell for thinking like this

but ok

I'm quite resigned

I'm going to hell

ok

my life is 

ok.

anyway now I have a few problems to sort out like

important things

'cause I want my life back on track

like weeding

needs to be done

and

starts of weeks aren't ever fresh

because sundays determine how they turn out.

maybe you're loveable

Today hasn't been an exceptionally good day.

I am exhausted from last night.

A little wrecked maybe, but progressively I got a little used to it so ok.

I lost my school tie; now I'm going to have to buy a new one which would be a problem because

I am a broke-ass bitch.

To top-up my ez-link card ($0.84) I had had to use my last $2 note, the two remaining dollar coins, and sieve through coins of very mixed currencies to make up the last dollar.

(I think I am left with less than fifty cents worth of singaporean money in my purse.)

I've paid for things worth dozens of dollars with all of my own money; I'll have to ask for more from papa then, do a little 'pay-me-back' which would rack me with guilt.

I am not looking forward to that.

I owe people money.

For the lit lecture, we watched the movie for waterland which, under normal circumstances, would absolutely thrill me, but I wasn't, and my mind was occupied and distraught because

I'd found out ten minutes ago that the tickets for the xx gig on 2 august are sold out.

During the geog lesson I sat in after I managed to find a couple tickets online...the cheapest being $150 for a cat 2 seat.

Cat 1 tickets were either $210 or $250.

Under sistic the most expensive seats cost $148.

But I am willing to pay, of course I am.

It's the xx, if I don't see them even once I think I will be absolutely ruined.

(They help me sleep.)

Then bat found out that there would be an additional show on the 1st of august since there was so much demand for it, and there it is - the clean break.

Except not really, because the 1st of august is a thursday, and on thursdays my lesson ends 7.30pm.

The event starts at 8.

I can't..I can't skip french lessons for anything, that's hideous.

But if I choose to go on the friday I'd have to pay a ridiculous price.

So today I have another dilemma.

I saw too, the H1 math syllabus and it's so disturbingly like secondary school work I wonder if I would feel angry with myself when I continue with that, doing something I already know how to do, and being too cowardly to push through with H2 math (which is a disgusting thing).

I was starving the whole day; I only had some tea for breakfast.

I should have been able to eat whatever I please, but it's never felt right when no one else can.

So the whole day all I ate (surreptitiously too) was a chocolate square.

Even if I were fasting I would have been armed with a much less meagre meal.

And now I am upset with myself for letting me starve when my body is at the crux of its breaking down, its shedding itself...

It was a harsh day.

And I ended up not meeting up with farah/kim/alisha.

I think maybe my saving grace would be the long bus ride home I had with gordon.

He's unexpectedly easy to talk to, even though I was impossibly drained but well.

I don't know more than five other people like that, so this was a nice change.

I think maybe I was myself.

Silly and unusual and saying odd things but it was ok.

I felt ok being like that around him.

And arinna.

And bat maybe.

And anis most definitely.

So this made me feel ok.

I'm ok.

fuck these petty bitches is a bitch motto

I think for the present the ~identity crisis~ has been put to a rest and I've been quite content with acknowledging the fact that I'm "eclectic & stuff" (hence my twitter bio mmhmm it's quintessentially me in 3 words hey).
For now I think maybe I can identify a couple major sides 
perhaps for this purpose I'll take my tumblr as an example.
the tumblr blog itself: lovely things, sort of vintage if I had to give a label, gifs from period movies, things so pretty I may die.
manifestation of how I present myself, possibly.
light! fragile as a flower! detached! from reality kind of! delusional! etc!
((brings to mind some of my twitter qualities like how 70% of it is pink
which maybe is subconsciously "how I want to present myself" but idk how that would have come to be because I don't actually like pink that much so I s2g I don't know how my pencil case + my purse (I CALLED IT A PURSE!!! !!!!) + notebooks are pink like I DON'T KNOW.
and somehow I have a slight inner aversion to pink (hahhaha) because idk the way society works pink is such a gender-normative colour and then there's the infusion of misogyny in daily life sigh and yet?? idk maybe I think it's sad that I have to feel sad for maybe liking pink a tad bit.))
the actual tumblr dashboard: oh god miles and miles of one direction updates and gifs and oh my god.
hah I think this just reveals what my mind occupies itself with most times.
oh sheesh I don't know where this is going.
but there are hideously many facets to me (like there are to everyone else, I'm sure) that maybe I'm more intensely intrigued by/curious of than others.
(Presumably...I mean that's the vibe I get from others y'know. And some seem so one-dimensional idk if that's really them and how they are or not.
Also I cannot imagine people not talking to themselves when alone.)

Right, so anyway the identity crisis' out of the way which is all good but lately ~existentialism thoughts~ have cropped up.
in the sense that
I'm taking math..and why..this is for university admission??...which is what would wholly determine success!! ??...but why is success the destination of a one-track route?...'cause we're all going to die anyway my body the same one doing these sums would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
or
I'm climbing this fucking rock wall and keeping my body strong but we're all going to die anyway my body the same one exercising these muscles would undergo decomposition six feet under and then what
you feel me.
These are highly simplified though; there're a million other sub-thoughts in between those.
I suspect that this existentialism thing has been fueled by the fact that I still don't know what to do with my life - what big decisions? to make at 17? to secure a life-long! job? how? do I make myself useful? in a society where you're either really exceptional or really average? - inducing a sort-of mid-life crisis - wtf am I doing with my life? - but hey, I'm a little too young to have a MID-LIFE crisis, aren't I.
(unless I AM at my mid-life point which I should stop there.)
And maybe that's something I'd have to work on, then, if I'd like to help things move along a little better.
Accept that this world is ordered chaos and idk.
Maybe take on Erica's "nihilistic humanism" approach of which I'm insanely fascinated by.
(no actually I'm just full-on fascinated by whatever opinions she has I'm obsessed with her ask.fm f uCK she's so cool omfg shit.)
But then again, I'd want to go through things myself, and formulate that final ~me~ package.
you feel me. 
Experience a million things, don a million attitudes and/or philosophies till I may derive at a system that accurately ascertains how I carry myself for others and for me.
((The ~fated system~, whatever that means you decide I mean it's ur life.))
It's a little elusive right now, but I'll get there & find something that just works.
((Which is why I get mad pissed when I have exclusively me things ripped off I mean I shouldn't be mad pissed but :) x I took a long time to recognise as something that perfectly expresses myself whilst interacting with the general public and it might be trivial, but it's not because! :) x is genuinely me and it's one thing in my life that just works and it's comfort for me because that's one thing I have to worry less about my identity right.
and you rip that off of me when never in my life I've seen you use that or present yourself with an attitude that ordains the use of :) x LIKE IN THE EXACT SAME FORMAT TOO FFS STOP.
and yes this really is what'd made me feel violated one night on twitter don't laugh this is real life.))

Yeah well, so there's that.

you're my sweetheart

“Do you all want to be married and have children?”

The 2nd gif has frozen...but look at where it's stopped ffs
heart eyes
fondness
the reserved-for-harry louis look
asdfghjkhkklnowiebdcksj.
Things to note about this
1. The interviewer would be to our right.
2. Harry technically shouldn't have to look to Louis if he were answering the question for himself.
3. Wait actually their reflex reaction at all shouldn't be to look to each other.
4. look at their fodnnesss f uCK.
5. looka t the softeness in louis' eyes oh my g od.
6. look a tthem trying to control the fond & then failing miserably because
7. the fond controls them
8. they're gonna have kids someday and live lovely domestic lives as husbands
*cries sadly*

take that money, watch it burn

old, but I'm not that old

young, but I'm not that bold

This sends through my mind furious images of wild-haired, daisy-crowned girls in long olive skirts whirling around bonfires with tambourines in their hands.

a toast to our goodbyes

loneliness would feel like catching cigarette smoke in a fist and all you may feel is the press of skin against skin (and the skin is all your own).