living la dolce vita

EEEEEEEKkkkKkkKkkkkK I MADE A NEW FRIEND TODAY!!!

I know I sound like a wee child gushing over her newfound mate on the first day of playschool, but this has been the absolute highlight of my (otherwise dreary, potentially stressful) Monday!

It happened all very cutely imo!

See, the thing is we've been Tumblr/Twitter mutuals for a million moons and we've always talked on there, but irl I'm just a shy timid loser and we rarely interact, even when we cross paths. (Only shy, quiet smiles and "hello"s and tbh we were really precious then)

Then ~things~ happened and it ended up with me asking her (it's Shu Yu) out for lunch/tea and she said YES and everything felt surreal??? (P sure I was shaking and nervous and all flustered, even with the other Big Thing which had led to all this in the first place.)

Okay but all I know is that the moment we saw each other we just started giggling and laughing and giggling because the circumstances were so funny, so hilarious, and it made everything else feel the same way.

(Note: Mutual friend Audrey got v confused and asked if I had a crush on Shu Yu which, tbh, made us crack up even more.)

And so we went for lunch and talked for so long and clicked so fast it was p mad that we were never real life friends any earlier.

Okay now I know why this has got me feeling so thrilled and ecstatic -- it's like meeting an Internet friend for the first time.

(Sooo will this also be how I feel when I see Janelle for the first time?)

God, I am just so...glad! that this happened.

It felt so heckin good to have someone understand everything without me feeling like I needed to purposefully/uncomfortably/unwillingly bare myself.

Omg good friends, you feel?

: )

A little (a lot) late into the year, but I am glad it happened all the same.

This definitely belongs in the "Good Things" tag.

ps. The whole process of gaining my composure before seeing her was so nerve-wracking. Would've been easier getting ready to see a boy. This is because impressing girls is way harder and way more important than impressing any simple boy would ever be. Trust me this is 100% true.

UPDATE: she just sent me a good night text i am beaming so hard tbh the sun shines sky is blue i am dead and friends are good

sweet like honeysuckle late at night

In the midst of all this flurry and anxiety and self-doubt, I think I might have found Something Great.

Last week has been the first week of 'self-study' (NOT TRUE considering how there are all these lectures and consultations to go for tbh) and it has also been a period of grossly fluctuating emotions, but I honestly think I emerged from it even more glorious than before.

Let me first tell you of how I was terribly snappy and ill-humoured last Tuesday, and the littlest of things brought me easily to a great state of annoyance. But my FRIENDS, they were so accommodating and kind and DARLING. (This is going to be a reminder for me to never forget that I have great friends.) Angst pal Nichole and Audrey's happy pill blueberries and great listening ear Diana and idk man GOOD VIBES.

I feel like the past 2 years have been very blessed in the sense that I have never ever ever had reason to feel insecure about any of the relationships I had. Absolutely 0 cause for worry - everyone is genuinely amicable and supportive and so, so positive. And I really do like my class for how chill everyone is with pretty much everyone, despite the occasional nuisances. I have never had to worry if someone secretly hates me (a stupid and regrettably common tendency) because cmon, let's face it. No one has time to hate anyone. We're all too good for that; everyone is too good. And I adore how we still respect/embrace individual quirks?? I got so lucky goddamn. It's been helpful for me and my emotional growth, I think.

Okay so here's the next Good Thing about my week: Ovulation Glow. I woke up on Friday feeling inexplicably radiant and buoyant-hearted and so stupidly good about myself. But I did look hella good, damn it. It lasted the whole day and I looked and felt heavenly with a golden glow and forgiving hair and the sweet sense of self-worth.

Got through the day exceedingly well, did up my coursework, went for a consultation, etc. Basically I was being productive while looking/feeling fucking amazing and that was such a rare thing to happen and goddamn goddamn goddamn.

I love ovulation glows and this one turned my whole week on its head for the absolute better - it created Self-Love Weekend. Because the following morning I woke up and was still glowing, and it gave rise to so many angelic selfies and now you have to guess how many I've posted on Tumblr/Twitter. (A considerable lot.) Now I have the best twitter pic/header combi imaginable and you should probably maybe totally check it out. (best seen on mobile xo)

And people were so good, and I was so good and I am going to keep working and feeling good about myself and try not to worry anymore.

(A very quiet little shout-out to everyone who favourited and/or reblogged my dumb face: Janelle and Bat and Shu Yu and Scheiße!!!!, i see you, and i appreciate it soooo much)

Also, my general mood has improved by leaps and bounds ever since I started singing and/or humming to myself everywhere I go.

(absolute best way to live, 10/10 would always recommend)

This is new to me, y'know? This might just be the year I start to properly love myself as I am, and for now everything looks promising and everything feels really good.

cool life tip: when u get a rare burst of passionate self-love, take a hundred selfies, praise urself always, look in the mirror and beam at everyone, milk it for all it's worth

(filed under: tweets i will never publish bc they're too goddamn long)

buy the stars

i am looking for the watch the way sara had looked for emily

a few days ago, i found it.

the perfect one, which had

a round gold-rimmed face

roman numerals

a plain brown leather strap

a perfect petite size.

alas ! it was already around someone else's wrist.

i get a picture and say to her over and over how pretty it is.

(because it really, honest to god, is.)

later on i show this pretty thing to papa and tell him about the dream watch and he goes into the room for some time

he emerges soon with another (almost) similar watch that (almost) fits the bill

(there are no roman numerals)

says it was once his and is over fifteen years old.

i look at it for a few seconds and decide that

it is a very beautiful watch, but i do not like it.

the face is too, too big, and too bold.

there is something calloused about it, but it sits around my wrist like a gawky adolescent.

it doesn't fit, it isn't right.

it is a very beautiful watch but i do not like it because it is not The One.

yet i feel very tender towards it for it has become, inadvertently, a family heirloom

and i am a sentimental fool who would be the kind to love such things as these.

i will keep it and care for it and love it the way you do a niece,

but it is not The One

and the search persists.

to fight what history has given me

if women were religiously, recognised sexually,
we wouldn't have to feel the need,
to show our ass-ets to feel free.
✿
question what the tv tells you,
question what a pop star sells you.
question mum and question dad,
question good and question bad.

perfume, cognac, lilac fumes

no fuck your "limbo"
he can literally go fuck himself

my last bone of contention

i have a great love for life, i do
i do i do i do
it is just that my present circumstances are only less than satisfactory
but there is a lot to look forward to and i would never forgive myself if i even remotely desired to have everything end
right now i feel frozen in place, is all
i cannot move
and everything i do feels wrong
i am up against a thing greater than me and i am as of yet very much stuck
it is not something i can remedy with physical effort or diligence
or something i can speak with very pragmatically
or something i can dispose off with frivolity
it is stuck to me, and i to it
i don't know what to do

maybe a little later

let me put on a show for you, daddy

i am such a farce
farcity farcity farce and an overall sham
i hope everyone realises this and rids their lives of me to save themselves from being deceived
nothing about me is real
i am so gross

how could a goddess

i was thinking about the four books i am in the midst of reading
so there is a lot of book jumping
(which i've never quite allowed myself to do)
here they are:
Death and The King's Horseman, Wole Soyinka
this is much less a book than a play, really, but it is one of my lit texts and i have to get it read by tomorrow
i suppose you can say this is obligatory reading, but it isn't that bad a read
Bilingual : life and reality, Fraņcois Grosjean
Beatrice and Virgil, Yann Martel
i am reading it because a friend recommended it to me, and i owe her for that
i think people remember him for Life of Pi which i have read 0 times, but i know him for Self which i picked up in sec 2 and still remember it to this day v vividly bc it is about a man who wakes up one day to find he has become a woman and it was such an odd read but i think i liked it
The Tale of Desperaux, Kate DiCamillo

well it's been a long day but i did ok
i'm going to sit down and maybe finish off my Beatrice and Virgil
goodnight

ok "ok" is an understatement but i feel too tired to overplay things

dies ist der erste gloria

i can feel my reading interests changing.
today i picked up a book on bilingualism and i feel so very excited to get it read.
but recently i tried a bit of tfios and i couldn't get past chapter three when i know that maybe 1.5 years ago i would probably have wolfed it down.

that slow burn wait while it gets dark

god i looooooove snk.
looooooooooooooove.

dancing in a world alone

anyway i feel like i have lost my bearings
without a thing to do over the holidays
without a to-do list
without assignments or necessitated revision
and since i suck at being proactive in my learning when i don't feel like it
i have done and accomplished nothing
the start of the holidays passed very, very well indeed
but on thursday i fell ill and i have been ever since
so i am nursing my cold and the monthly pains and i feel miserable
and it is a saturday night / sunday morning and i can't sleep and i have to be up early tomorrow and this is my first time in a long time using the computer
and the time travel fic still lies there sadly with an unfinished end and i feel so, so lost
but ocean sequence updated unexpectedly yesterday and it makes me smile-y still.
god i can't wait for school to start once more.
it feels like the exams had ended aaaages ago.

lights reflect from your shadow

i feel like this blog has run its course, but maybe i am wrong ??
i'll let the feelings simmer for a little bit more, before i settle.
also is it possible to physically publish a blog ?
for memories' sake ?
hm.

but also
shingeki no kyojin.
i didn't know levi = rivaille ??!

queen is the title

I am going to be a sociology student.

I cannot be any more excited.

we're on a quick, sick rampage

just a few speedy updates, i suppose.

last week wasn't very good, but i tried my hardest to be rational and figure out why, and i don't think i was wrong in saying that ovulation influenced a large part of it.

i've been very good with keeping to deadlines for assignments, or the occasional extensions, anyway.

i think that's a very good thing and i am pleased with myself.

i can't say the same for revision, but i'm working towards it.

there is so much to consolidate, so much to do for lit and i feel very anxious at the amount of work i'd have to finish very soon.

for econs, i'd have to go over everything that's been taught and internalise it, which is so very crucial.

same for math because probability and binomial distribution are being so very effectively elusive and i am frazzled.

i am finding myself to be more and more systematic about everything i do, and i think that's great.

work is work & i do what i have to do.

if there is anything i did wrong, then i acknowledge my duty to rectify it.

somewhere sometime ago i made myself recognise that mistakes are ok, and that i really should stop berating myself for em

though i do accede to a couple minutes (or hours) of self-loathe then it's back to loving myself so much it's gross.

i suppose.

tbh i really don't care about anyone but myself right now

if that's what it takes to get me focused and constantly moving forward, then that's what imma do.

//

i am an endless work in progress.

someone like you, always be my baby

today was a pleasant day

how lovely is it that the week ended with a beach picnic?

it was fun, yeah

ok i don't know what to write i realised halfway through that writing like that would mean i'd be going down the descriptive path i don't do descriptive writing on here that's not how i work

but i wanted to write about cheap thrills and window-shopping and self-indulgence and put this way, everything sounds so much less shiny

://

idk it was a fun day with fun people

wow ok i'm so sorry i'm so so so sorry this is the weakest thing ever bye

here's harry deepthroating a banana to make up for it

also preggo harry look at that lil pooch

ily harry

even though you don't love me

ohhhhhhh god
please do not ask me about religion
please i am begging you
it is another thing that deeply conflicts me and i am not at all well-equipped to do justice to whatever discussions about my religion, because while i recognise that it is a beautiful, wondrous thing, i am also dealing with the very rocky relationship i have with it and its role in my life and nearly everything i say of it will paint it in a merely dull, mediocre light which probably isn't very fair.
: ((
i do not quite think, too, that having to question the purpose and nature of religion in studying larkin's poems so extensively, helps with this.
lit what are u doing to my life
i love u but why do u make me have to face my crises and torment me so.

i got big deals and i got little things

i was hoping i'd be able to leave existentialism behind with 2013

but now it's virtually inescapable, considering how waiting for godot revolves itself around the very concept
(or the one that conveniently eats at me almost always ty)

if i'd thought waterland was bad, this will be a million times more overwhelming.

but i am not going to say that i am particularly dreading it or am in fear of it, because i like how having to study it presents me with an official reason to actually crash myself headfirst into the whole existentialism thing.

and hey, at least i get to do it academically/intellectually, and maybe whatever crisis i encounter may get to manifest itself cleverly in an essay.

also lit lectures have been sounding more and more philosophical, which i'm not gonna complain about, because it's fun.

yeah, i think i'll be handling existentialism ok this year.

i think.

although i don't think by definition i am existing very well.

right now i feel like i am just floating by and apparently that's not ok???

i mean, i complete whatever real world task i have to do decently enough, i will give myself at least that because i take pride in my work ok

but other than that, i think i do not really exist??

or i do, but just not here.

it's one of those "here & elsewhere" things.

embedding myself in the present...sounds wacky.

but i am existing ok, i think!!

this has been a great massive contradiction !!!

she takes a dip in my daydreams

sitting here on a sunday night with arctic monkeys playing and

i feel a little plagued with obligations and

all i am thinking is that i really really really need a mug of hot water.

i am so heckin thirsty.

okay well here we go.

i have one mug of hot water with me and

there are a lot of things traipsing through my mind i want to get off.

firstly,

twitter is terrible.

there is so much i can say about it, but right now i'm going with 

ew.

to be fair, i suppose

it would be hard to come up with intelligent, profound things with only 140 characters to spare.

how? do you compound all you wanna say in 140 stingy characters?

there are reasons for my dumb affinity to what i call twitter essays...or twitter tirades.

but no, twitter being bad isn't because of me

(if you'd like me to be honest i'd say my twitter is one of my favourite things to exist ever)

it's because of all the shitty, problematic things i see on there,

how it's so easy for these shitty, problematic ways of thinking to spread?

and how so very few people on there catch onto the fact that what they're rt-ing is essentially so shitty and problematic.

that, and how like 83% of tweets people write make me roll me eyes and scoff bc how so very dumb...! and absolutely cliché and not well thought-out..!

(really bc i am a bitter spiteful arse but that's another story)

((but no, why the heck not, ok let's talk about that.))

secondly,

i am sooo heckin bitter.

it's been that way a lot recently??

feelin hella resentful for a lot! of things and it's really honestly irrational

(like if u have ur life on track i probably hate u stop tweeting abt in on twitter idc about ur sats or ur completed homework iidi onnt caaaereee just shhhhhh)

pretending i don't care.

but feelin hella resentful.

i think it is a fairly destructive way of being

something i will have to work on.

i think maybe it's just me being mad at myself for being so terribly stagnant.

there is a lot i have to do,

as in physically do, because this pile of work isn't gonna miraculously disappear on its own,

and also to emotionally remedy

bc hey! let's come up with healthier ways of existing!

which i think may go in tandem with how on-the-ball i am academically

ew.

but ok i'm gonna need to find a way to counter this helplessness instead of stupidly trying to escape it

which will start with coming up with a gr8 timetable and schedule.

(tomorrow morning during breakfast before pe)

i think maybe this will also help with soothing the bouts of anxiety i get whenever i acknowledge just how...overwhelmed...i feel bc school! work! emotional stability! family! people!

how scary though, those bouts.

it's really really dumb bc i usually have to sit down and calmly talk myself out of it

(ok it's ok ur ok u have everything under control u just need to sort urself out methodically and u'll be fine ok dont panic just breathe ok ur good)

and it feels like two people in me and then a third would laugh at the absurdity of it all.

yes ok.

i would really love to resolve that.

thirdly,

i've been thinking about self-validation sort of.
"fake it till u make it"s a gr8 way to go.
no it's THE way to go.
why the projected self-importance
well why heckin not
so much of it on my twitter.
i don't mind it much.
not at all.
small doses of narcissism, coupled with self-awareness, and ur good to go tbh.
why do you think i love my twitter so much.
(i hate it but i love it bc it's so gr8 what a gr8 way of collecting all my stray thoughts it's all me on my twitter yeah)

okay i feel very out of depth right now
and so unsettled
sooo ooo o unbalanced
overwhelmed
i feel like i have to obsessively plan my life in a v detailed  manner right now
even though i'm p sure this isn't a very healthy way of feeling
yeah ok it's a work in progress
((like that time travel fic.......which i ended up rereading.............))
: //

GUNSHOT!
HE WAS PICKING FLOWERS FOR HIS BABY AND THEN!
GUNSHOT!
!!!!!!!!!
WHY

always be my baby

ahhhhh I don't quite think I should particularly be writing anything, because there is not much to say

but as of now I am all bottled up emotions and frustrations and in delving deeper into the self I do not really find anything that could be specifically causing it

so I am going to fly blind here and say it is because this amazing time travel fic hasn't been updated.

which is absolutely horrid!

because!

it means in the meantime i can never ever get to reading another fic

(and lemme tell u i have a long queue of probably amazing fics to read which i can't because!)

to do that would mean emotionally investing myself in /another/ situation, where the characters and their circumstances are vaaastly different.

right now the louis i am reading about is a time traveller who may or may not die at 47, and the complementary harry is the patient, unconditionally loving love of his life.

reading another fic where everything! is impossibly different would shatter that for me.

i am just so, so unready to sever the attachment i presently have with the time travel fic.

i am in no way capable of doing that.

there is no closure yet, i can't move on yet, i am still so, so unready.

does he or does he not die?

will present harry&louis be able to figure things out and deal with that?

will they go on after 47!louis?

DOES HE OR DOES HE NOT DIE

?????

so no, i cannot go on with other things.

i am not reading any other fics.

which means there is a huge deficit of fics in my life right now, and shit, that blows.

because even though i still am able to read not-harry&louis things, (which is great! because it gave me time to read a little coelho!) i am not able to satisfy that thirsty harry&louis part of me.

i am just so, so, so.

bummed.

not being exposed to some harry&louis fiction is unhealthy.

i need that emotional investment it's so cathartic.

i hope it updates soon.

the last chapter.

inadvertently got myself involved in a wip i cannot beliebe.

did the unthinkable!

i thought it was a super long one-shot!!!

and well i mean.

there is one other fic that's also a wip with which i'm in an ldr, but that's a different thing.

ocean sequence (ha remember that?) is written differently, more poetically; it's something i can revisit again and again and again because i have the option of just admiring the language.

with this time travel fic i don't think i have the patience to re-read everything all over again, bc it is best enjoyed/appreciated the first time round.

it's a bit like watching an action movie, innit.

the first time you see one it's so fun! and exciting! and wow plot twist!

but the second time you already know what's gonna happen and it falls a little flat.

so that's that.

i hope it updates soon.

gettin weak all in your knees

happy birthday again!
food-mouth.com/2014/01/07/vanilla-bean-marshmallow-cake/

anyway i haven't been here in a fair bit of time.
the moment will come soon; it isn't now.