your skin so golden brown

a list of my favourite words:
- exquisite
- rose (past tense of rise)
- pregnant (as a metaphor)
- sapphic
- nascent
- delicious (when used not about food)
- honey
- ferocious
- mom
- moon
- opulent/opulence
- soft
- sleepy
- infuse
- lazily
- loll
- bathe
- patio
- dreamy
- courtyard
- drowse
- ennui

honourable mentions:
- wife
- poetic
- heaven(ly)
- verdant/verdance
- goodness

poetic but nonsensical

from 19 june 2014:
she says i live in my own bubble and we go around together like that because we are the same
so i said to her we could converge them
she said back that we could

i want to scrape the blackness out my heart

shiver like i used to

I'm that godforsaken person who never knows what they have till it's gone.
I've thought about this loads and loads and I can't possibly deny it.
It's in the little(?) things.
When I'm sending someone off at the airport and feel nothing until they've gone past the departure gates, the waves of crashing loss only coming when they're well out of sight.
Or when it's the very last day of school and I know I'll never be coming back again but it's the most uneventful day all the same (intense nostalgia seeps in much much later).
Or when I race through the last 3 episodes of Haikyuu!! S2 only to realise belatedly that the comforting feeling of knowing there are episodes waiting for me is then gone forever, because for many months I've been taking it for granted and now there is nothing new to look forward to anymore.

I think it's something to do with me and emotional detachment.

gold and silver line my heart

i hear the birds on the summer breeze, i drive fast
i am alone in midnight
been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but i
i've got a war in my mind
so i just ride

i should've known all along, from the second i first listened to her in 2012, that lana would bring me into a new era of my life, would make me feel an exquisite sense of nostalgia and longing for a life i never had, would make me feel more and less like myself all at once

oh dear god i'm so melodramatic this is nothing whatever i'm feeling they're nothing and so inconsequential but wow o wow does it make me want to maybe die

all alone she moves

Lately I've been feeling, comment dire, horrendous.
I don't know where it came from - it's crept up and sprung onto me so suddenly but maybe it's been there all along.
I had another one of those "deepest certainties" recently & it's tearing me apart.
(no offence @ said certainty but i could've certainly done perfectly fine without, thank you very much)
I don't know I don't know I'm strained inside out & I don't know if this is because of school or if it's just me being the usual, y'know, inadequate and mediocre and incapable and gross.
I feel horrible & I need to talk to people because it's so dangerous, I think, to bubble myself up like this.
I exist too much in dreams.
it's so horrible it's so so horrible and i feel so alone

also, what does it mean when rationally you know that life is beautiful and wondrous and precious but emotionally you want 2 die

underneath the big top trees

I am absolutely knackered right now after a whole day's flurry of activities.
(If I have never disclosed it before, I will note it down here that I have been volunteering a little for the visually handicapped.)
Today, we took our beneficiaries out to have a go at soundball and thereafter for a round at the trampoline park, which was fantastic. I love trampoline parks & I also love that everyone else loved it too.
But the best part of my day, I think, was when everything was all over & I walked the entire way home from Khatib with a spring in my step, a cup of dollar strawberry ripple ice cream in my hand and the loveliest of breezes playing around me.
A stroll of solitude in the night (although it was not quite a stroll, not really, for my pace was relatively quick) truly is something!
I find nighttime to be such an enigmatic entity - how does one explain that queer feeling of transformation when night falls? like you're smaller, mellower, a little softer around the edges than you are in the day.
It almost made me wish I had someone by my side to admire the dark velvet sky with, or to murmur my secrets to, but I know I wouldn't have wanted this because I was using this journey home to recharge & re-energise my socially-drained, introvert self.
In retrospect, it does sound a little counter-intuitive, considering I was coming home from a long day of physical exertion etc etc etc, but an endless walk alone with minimal breaks was 1000% what I needed and I'm so glad I tended to that.
Anyway, I reached my doorstep about an hour later a little flushed and rosy, with a delicious ache in my legs, glowing like honey and presently I am feeling so. content.
A little a lot sleepy and heavy-eyed, of course, but ridiculously content all the same.
(the kind of contentment that's warm as sunshine, draping itself heavily around your little soul.)
The past week has just been nothing but smooth and golden, and I have only God to thank for that.

saw your face, heard your name

Hello everyone, once again.
It's been a couple of busy weeks & I doubt this will let up anytime soon.
I'm just writing a quick one to put it out there that 1) I am so blessed and 2) God loves me so much.

It's a wondrous thing to ask for strength, peace, vitality, drive, patience, gentleness when you're in a state of frenzied helplessness, and then have your prayers answered.
God knows I'm up to my head in tasks and to-dos, and He blesses me with the nicest, sweetest things.
❀ the best lunch date with my lovely cousin Husna
❀ long phone calls with the best friend
❀ the many canvassing opportunities
❀ the easy(?) mid-term paper today
❀ the cancelled morning lecture tomorrow
❀ the running i got done
❀ the frustrating assignment i finally finished
❀ ?????

There's a lot more, so much more, but I'm feeling sleepy and content and lowkey optimistic for the rest of the week.

Also,
Happy International Women's Day to all the lovely ladies out there - we're strong and powerful and magnificent and it's a glorious thing to celebrate every day.

hey i know something you don't

I've started running again! Bit by bit tho because I'm so out of touch lmao

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy! Happy people don't just shoot their husbands... they just don't!"

in the bed all day

i feel somehow as if i were being wicked and tricking you into supposing that i am always happy, but that is not true.
oh god, that cannot be any further from the truth.

i have written loads about my academic pursuits and i, and i've found myself wondering unceasingly if that's all there is to me.
on one hand, it gives me life.
on the other, it's all so meaningless, isn't it?
i mean, Death's gonna come hurtling at me either way

ah! i've found the trouble with blogging.
on this platform it is imperative to have a point, a topic, a purpose, and then expound it at some length.
alas, i have a sickeningly short attention span, and thoughts come to me in short spurts and sprays, and i cannot bear to muse over a single one for very long.
it is very tiring, i think, to have to always meticulously twist and shape your words just so to reach any desired effect.
it is for this reason twitter attends to me excellently - i never have to care past 140 characters!

did you know? i've lost my writing

sweet like cinnamon

hello!
once again, it's a been a hideous while, but welcome back!
i don't know who is reading this, but whoever you are, i pray that life has been glorious to you.

it's a funny thing to be dipping toes in my 20s and still come back to a space cultivated since i was a mere fledgling (what, 13? 14??), but i am very pleased to announce that as of now, for the present, i think,
I am in a good place.

as you may or may not know, i've been working on a linguistics (& multi-lingual studies) major and it is the most fulfilling thing yet.
many people have asked me what i could do with a linguistics degree and the truth is, well, i have no bloomin' idea!
all i know is that i am in love with my area of study through and through; God will sort out the rest.
there have been hiccups here and there, of course, but i pull it off all the same.

i feel like i've been channeling a lot of marina's The Family Jewels era lately.
don't do love, don't do friends,
i'm only after success.
i know exactly what i want and who i want to be.
'cause i feel like i'm the worst so i always act like i'm the best.
heck yeah first of all i know i want to keep my GPA's first class honours status.
i used to really really really want to be on the dean's list, then i sobered up & tried this little thing called Realistic & Logical Thinking lmao.
okay not saying it's impossible, just saying it's highly unlikely for now.
second of all i really really really want to be the best.
honestly i've been telling myself this since last semester but i don't really know what i mean by "the best".
still wanna be *it, tho.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*it = the best

i also have quite a few commitments this sem?
1) i'm overloading and doing 18 AUs.
2) i'm in the biz mag committee for this year's LMS FOC??
3) also on the publicity team for this other thing i'm doing???
???????
i've never done this much for anything ever & while talking to a friend recently i realised perhaps it's because i wanted to start doing more things for others (while she wishes to do more for herself).
i think maybe it's also because subconsciously (or not), i'm pushing and pushing and pushing myself to accomplish more than i've ever had during a school term.
i don't know what i'm trying to prove but i'm getting there.

here's another thing i've learnt about myself: i'm an introvert but i take much delight in forming many new friendships, although i feel more comfortable if they were kept relatively superficial. however, i still cherish very deeply maintaining a smaller, more intimate group of friends. networking's fun and tolerable and all but only sometimes, and only when i feel like it. small close group of pals are for ever. i also still use solitude to recharge.

i'm sorry this has, in retrospect, been draggy and boring.
(or i would think so.)
but it's nice to have this down on my blog, just in case Young Me gets accidentally shifted to an alternate universe in a glitch and is somehow able to read all this.
if so,

this is your almost-20 self writing.
right now, you're doing great, b.
you're flourishing academically & blooming in luxuriant intellectual pursuits.
you're meeting many new people, every day, and starting to see past yourself.
you've even started on the "learning to drive" thing which i know you think is a Big Thing.
you've discovered precious things about yourself.
you're learning how to live a life of warmth and love and acceptance.
you feel content most times.
you're great & i love you.

i swore i'd chase until i was dead.
i heard the streets were paved with gold.

my late grandfather loved me so much he threw out his cigarettes the second i was born

i still love i still love i still love

hello! it's been a while but here's a short update!

guess where life's bringing me?

spoiler: it's linguistics & multi-lingual studies @ NTU !!!

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna be a linguistics major!!!!!)

so very recently i went for the LMS FOC and it was wonderful, i think.

it was a big episode for this year, helped me discover a lot of things.

writing all this down it sounds excruciatingly mild, but it really truly did.

i found myself finding potentially long-term friends; finding answers to questions that've been hounding me; i found myself finding myself.

(plus my life in LMS seems very bright and promising & i'm so excited and in love with what i'm doing)

it's all very cryptic, i know, but now i feel like there's one huge truth about myself threatening to spill itself out of me...i don't know how to contain it, i wish to scream it to the earth and heavens (even though this would be hideously foolish and reckless and imprudent, etc etc etc...)

there's this thing virginia woolf wrote once, isn't there?, of how the deepest certainties are always soul-stirring and deadly and absolute.
this thought is what's been haunting me for days and days since, and i feel like i don't truly know what i'm to do with it, this certain truth of mine.

anyway, the day after the camp i came down with the worst throat and a fever & i think it was my body's way of telling me it needed rest after the flurry of 4 whole days of activity??
it was all cool tho.

on the edge of paradise

so does anyone else have a certain soundtrack to specific moments in Life?
a couple songs that just evoke a sense of nostalgia attached to distinct experiences?
just taking down some notes; here are some of mine.

for the first day of work: ridin' - lana del rey ft a$ap rocky
for bus rides home after midshifts: tennis court - lorde
for that horrendous period when i was a horrendously aggressive salesperson: jealous girl - lana del rey
for the victoria's secret next door: welcome to new york/new romantics - taylor swift
for the woman next door: love me like you do - ellie goulding
for the first time i ran the shop alone; for those 5am hours roaming a still sleepy airport: brooklyn baby - lana del rey
for the last week of work: old money - lana del rey

(it really is needless to say that i have been dedicating a fair bit of my time to lana's music.)

i must be boring you to death, i think, with excessive details of my ex-work, but i have to leave this somewhere.

heaven can't help me now

oh my goodness this place has been so sad and desolate but hey ! here I am now.

i realised i haven't really updated this blog much (not at all ha), and it's still fairly in the dark wrt my recent state of affairs.

well, blog, if you must know, i've finished with my A levels and i've already sent in a couple uni applications (the me of secondary school days would've been absolutely astounded knowing this; A levels??? uni???? work?????? UNI??????????). 

by now, i already have about 4 months of work experience at the airport & good god, i feel like i've emerged so much better as a person.

it was a wild experience and so many things happened, but it was one of the best decisions i've made for myself.
really, i am just here to write of how...changed...i feel, after four whole months of workity work.
(hold on tight this is all gonna be v messy and delirious-sounding.)

i'm just so proud of myself.
in the 4 months of salesperson-ing (at a goddamn Pandora store, no less) i gained so much experience.
i've become more open, better at dealing with people, at being more persuasive/assertive, more cool-headed, more adept at multi-tasking under stress; i've come to trust and put actual value in myself.
seemingly trivial things like customers asking me for my opinion, for example.
mere months ago i would've been highly doubtful about the accuracy of my judgement, too preoccupied thinking what if i'm wrong and problems happen bc of me. 
now it's a complete turnaround.
i am honestly amazed at myself, being able to answer questions with conviction and persuasion.
and i'm so ace at phone calls now??!?!?!???!?? 13 year old me would've been terrified.
heck, 18 year old me in dec '14 had marvelled at a friend's effortless ability to make phone calls to a goddamn pizza place - sweetheart did you know by now you've handled countless phone calls involving hysterical enraged customers, or help centres which you had to contact bc hey, the POS machine's suddenly acting up and you need to see that this is rectified asap and you're alone so you're in charge.

i was truly so successful at work it feels fucking amazing.
i'm thinking of how i completely 120%ed my sales target in february (>$75k in sales that's me) + being trusted with the shop key + p much caring for the store on my own (!!!!!!!!!) + all the pleased customers i've served (the best & most satisfying part tbh) etc etc etc the list is endless and recognising how good i was at my job feels glorious.
not to say i made 0 mistakes, which, i did, and oh boy did i make mistakes.
things like carelessness and silly panic that tripped me up and resulted in stupid things like items being left behind, undercharging customers...STUPID THINGS.
but i got up and learnt and improved.
and it was so incredible to realise, with each passing day, all the things i was actually capable of doing.
(oh my god i can open the store, i can handle an endless 7-hour stream of customers, and i can actually do the aforementioned alone)

okay the past few paragraphs have been so me-centric but i assure you my working environment was always ever so pleasant.
my coworkers were so great and easy to talk to and kind and accommodating and i am so fond of them???
i could've never achieved anything without their help.
god, i miss them so much.
(rave and his salesperson tips, his calling everyone "sister", his generous treats.
narmin and her bunny talk, her honeyed voice, her motherly ways.
polly and her easygoing manner.
emilie and her knowing-what-she-want-and-being-assertive-about-its.
etc.
etc.
etc.)

i love working at the airport, i do, i do!

there is a saying here that once you work at the airport, you'll never want to work anywhere else.

tbh....true.

it's so entrapping that place, and not in a bad way at all.

i adore the dynamic environment, the unusual waking hours, how you never see the same person twice, the traveller stories, the exclusivity of being able to enter the "restricted" transit area with a special pass, the being part of the Best Airport In The World, etc.... it's all so....... ♡~♡

i feel so blessed.

thank you, god, for letting such a good thing come my way.

i fully enjoyed what i did; took the good and the bad in stride.
this is truly such a big moment of pride for me.

tl;dr. I'm *amazed* at myself. I've accomplished things that I, with all my shyness and introversion, had never ever thought I could.

on my last day, my manager had asked me if i was looking so happy because it was my last day.
i hope she knows that i was/am happy because i had felt truly content - the experience was so, so satisfying, and i couldn't have asked for anything better.

living la dolce vita

EEEEEEEKkkkKkkKkkkkK I MADE A NEW FRIEND TODAY!!!

I know I sound like a wee child gushing over her newfound mate on the first day of playschool, but this has been the absolute highlight of my (otherwise dreary, potentially stressful) Monday!

It happened all very cutely imo!

See, the thing is we've been Tumblr/Twitter mutuals for a million moons and we've always talked on there, but irl I'm just a shy timid loser and we rarely interact, even when we cross paths. (Only shy, quiet smiles and "hello"s and tbh we were really precious then)

Then ~things~ happened and it ended up with me asking her (it's Shu Yu) out for lunch/tea and she said YES and everything felt surreal??? (P sure I was shaking and nervous and all flustered, even with the other Big Thing which had led to all this in the first place.)

Okay but all I know is that the moment we saw each other we just started giggling and laughing and giggling because the circumstances were so funny, so hilarious, and it made everything else feel the same way.

(Note: Mutual friend Audrey got v confused and asked if I had a crush on Shu Yu which, tbh, made us crack up even more.)

And so we went for lunch and talked for so long and clicked so fast it was p mad that we were never real life friends any earlier.

Okay now I know why this has got me feeling so thrilled and ecstatic -- it's like meeting an Internet friend for the first time.

(Sooo will this also be how I feel when I see Janelle for the first time?)

God, I am just so...glad! that this happened.

It felt so heckin good to have someone understand everything without me feeling like I needed to purposefully/uncomfortably/unwillingly bare myself.

Omg good friends, you feel?

: )

A little (a lot) late into the year, but I am glad it happened all the same.

This definitely belongs in the "Good Things" tag.

ps. The whole process of gaining my composure before seeing her was so nerve-wracking. Would've been easier getting ready to see a boy. This is because impressing girls is way harder and way more important than impressing any simple boy would ever be. Trust me this is 100% true.

UPDATE: she just sent me a good night text i am beaming so hard tbh the sun shines sky is blue i am dead and friends are good

sweet like honeysuckle late at night

In the midst of all this flurry and anxiety and self-doubt, I think I might have found Something Great.

Last week has been the first week of 'self-study' (NOT TRUE considering how there are all these lectures and consultations to go for tbh) and it has also been a period of grossly fluctuating emotions, but I honestly think I emerged from it even more glorious than before.

Let me first tell you of how I was terribly snappy and ill-humoured last Tuesday, and the littlest of things brought me easily to a great state of annoyance. But my FRIENDS, they were so accommodating and kind and DARLING. (This is going to be a reminder for me to never forget that I have great friends.) Angst pal Nichole and Audrey's happy pill blueberries and great listening ear Diana and idk man GOOD VIBES.

I feel like the past 2 years have been very blessed in the sense that I have never ever ever had reason to feel insecure about any of the relationships I had. Absolutely 0 cause for worry - everyone is genuinely amicable and supportive and so, so positive. And I really do like my class for how chill everyone is with pretty much everyone, despite the occasional nuisances. I have never had to worry if someone secretly hates me (a stupid and regrettably common tendency) because cmon, let's face it. No one has time to hate anyone. We're all too good for that; everyone is too good. And I adore how we still respect/embrace individual quirks?? I got so lucky goddamn. It's been helpful for me and my emotional growth, I think.

Okay so here's the next Good Thing about my week: Ovulation Glow. I woke up on Friday feeling inexplicably radiant and buoyant-hearted and so stupidly good about myself. But I did look hella good, damn it. It lasted the whole day and I looked and felt heavenly with a golden glow and forgiving hair and the sweet sense of self-worth.

Got through the day exceedingly well, did up my coursework, went for a consultation, etc. Basically I was being productive while looking/feeling fucking amazing and that was such a rare thing to happen and goddamn goddamn goddamn.

I love ovulation glows and this one turned my whole week on its head for the absolute better - it created Self-Love Weekend. Because the following morning I woke up and was still glowing, and it gave rise to so many angelic selfies and now you have to guess how many I've posted on Tumblr/Twitter. (A considerable lot.) Now I have the best twitter pic/header combi imaginable and you should probably maybe totally check it out. (best seen on mobile xo)

And people were so good, and I was so good and I am going to keep working and feeling good about myself and try not to worry anymore.

(A very quiet little shout-out to everyone who favourited and/or reblogged my dumb face: Janelle and Bat and Shu Yu and Scheiße!!!!, i see you, and i appreciate it soooo much)

Also, my general mood has improved by leaps and bounds ever since I started singing and/or humming to myself everywhere I go.

(absolute best way to live, 10/10 would always recommend)

This is new to me, y'know? This might just be the year I start to properly love myself as I am, and for now everything looks promising and everything feels really good.

cool life tip: when u get a rare burst of passionate self-love, take a hundred selfies, praise urself always, look in the mirror and beam at everyone, milk it for all it's worth

(filed under: tweets i will never publish bc they're too goddamn long)

buy the stars

i am looking for the watch the way sara had looked for emily

a few days ago, i found it.

the perfect one, which had

a round gold-rimmed face

roman numerals

a plain brown leather strap

a perfect petite size.

alas ! it was already around someone else's wrist.

i get a picture and say to her over and over how pretty it is.

(because it really, honest to god, is.)

later on i show this pretty thing to papa and tell him about the dream watch and he goes into the room for some time

he emerges soon with another (almost) similar watch that (almost) fits the bill

(there are no roman numerals)

says it was once his and is over fifteen years old.

i look at it for a few seconds and decide that

it is a very beautiful watch, but i do not like it.

the face is too, too big, and too bold.

there is something calloused about it, but it sits around my wrist like a gawky adolescent.

it doesn't fit, it isn't right.

it is a very beautiful watch but i do not like it because it is not The One.

yet i feel very tender towards it for it has become, inadvertently, a family heirloom

and i am a sentimental fool who would be the kind to love such things as these.

i will keep it and care for it and love it the way you do a niece,

but it is not The One

and the search persists.

to fight what history has given me

if women were religiously, recognised sexually,
we wouldn't have to feel the need,
to show our ass-ets to feel free.
✿
question what the tv tells you,
question what a pop star sells you.
question mum and question dad,
question good and question bad.

perfume, cognac, lilac fumes

no fuck your "limbo"
he can literally go fuck himself