you got me in a trance

Today I am filled, filled with frustration.

And I want to take it out on you because.

is perfect.

And you're killing me with it.

I'm not even lying when I say I want to tear you to shreds because you're just too..

You overwhelm me too much.

):

starships were meant to fly

Today nothing much happened.

Except that after school Emelia took me out to Haagen-Dazs because she had vouchers.

I am so thankful to her because I was so hungry the whole day.

She's so fun to be with, haha.

And it was so fun talking to her over ice-cream.

She doesn't read this, but thanks Emelia.

<3

Nothing much is going on in my life, really.

Except that lately I have been having urges to write.

So I am!

I've started working on a piece.

After this, since I've finshed all my work and such, I think I know what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower first and then I'll sit down on my desk, pop in them earpieces and write and write and write.

It's been a while since I've had so much proper free time.

I am so. excited.

:)

Oh god it's unhealthy how much I think of you.

):

she expected the world

I don't have much to say today but.

Finally, finally I have Nicki's OPI.

They're gorge, seriously.

Am not in a blogging mood, more of a tumblin mood.

:/

So bye for now, chicas.

do you really want to love me forever?

So obsessed with this song.

Haha it is soo addictive to me.
I'm such a teen.

"Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever?

(Oh, oh , oh)

Or is it just a hit-and-run?"

and my favourite line

"Money can't buy you love 'cause it's overpriced."

Man, one day I have to write some crackfic.

One day, when I'm really, really angsty or something I'll get my guts together and create a story so insanely demented I won't even believe it's mine.

Haaa I bet people think I'm retarded.

Meh:(

Kk obviously I am currently in an unsophisticated teen mood with no refined thoughts.

I hope this doesn't make me look too shallow.

):

At least I'm not in a kinda depressed mood right?

I hope the week ahead will be just fine!

I have a sudden urge to call and talk crap to someone, anyone, for no reason at all.

And someone who isn't my sister.

Darn!

Call me maybe?

I kinda don't care who you are, just call me please.

I'm bored.

This is funny 'cause really, no one's gonna call.

):

what's the point if I'm guarded?

The worst and best day of the week!

Was really low today, I won't go into the details.

But anyway, because of that, what did I do?

Impulse shopped.

Properly, for the first time in my life.

Since I had $85 at hand, why not, right?

And since I was at Orchard, well heck it!

In the end I got myself 2 albums from HMV, and a necklace and ring from Orchard Central Market.

Spent $63 today - that's the most I've spent in 2 hours ever.

But omg so satisfying. So, SO satisfying.

I regret nothing.

So now I have Drake and deluxe edition of Nicki Minaj.

:))

I was so happy.

I am so happy.

Shopping makes me really happy.

Can you say 'shopaholic'?

Aiyah.

Another great thing that happened to me this week is when my A-Math teacher looked up at me from my work and said, "Good job, you're improving!" and smiled.

I have a bad feeling.

Of what, I don't know.

It's just..bad.

Really bad.

And it won't go away.

I don't wanna end up losing my soul

Ok look, I don't know who on earth is reading this blog, but really.

Ahhh I just don't know what to say!

Whatever you do, I'm not going to stop posting what I want here.

With or without interference with outside parties who may or may not understand the way I think.

This is one of the few places where you can really see me for who I am - not for the person you see in real life.

Because I have so many layers to myself, I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone does as well, and this is just one of the ways of my self-expression.

If you think I have a problem with myself, well heck yes I do.

I have so many problems with myself but doesn't everyone else too?

Then I have those phases and weird thoughts but they're my way of coping.

When I'm in a phase you don't have to f-ing worry because I'll get over it.

I'm trying to get over a recent one, and what's happening now is not helping.

OK?.

Heck it, I'm just gonna say this.

I don't "slash my wrists".

Ok?

How crude can that be?

NO.

Rumours.

Are scary.

My sanctuary - please don't ruin it for me.

When you approach me for thinking like this you make me feel as if I am more screwed-up than I already am.

As if I am a sick, twisted alien.

I can be one.

I might be one.

But I am still human, I have my rights.

And believe me, you haven't even seen half of me yet.

K?

No, don't.

Please don't draw attention to this.

So many other people have more problems than I do and of all things you tackle mine first.

NO.

That's wrong, and really sad.

I can get low, I can get low

Don't know which way is up

I can get high, I can get high

Like I could never come down.

My mood swings are normal and no one should ever worry about those because I almost always get over them.

I lied a lot today.

I had to, to pretty much defend my rights to my own thoughts.

I'm still not going to censor anything on this blog just because some people think it may be detrimental to my being.

I'm not gonna even privatize this (haha this may or may not be a stupid decision) because I still kinda want to use this as a means of expressing me.

It might hurt me, but it is still a human experience I can learn from.

My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations.

Which is why I just have to present them as they are, queer or not.

You can judge, whatever you want or please.

Blah blah blah I don't give a care.

But you don't need to gossip..!

NO. NO. NO. NO.

Whoever you are, just stop releasing content from my blog like dandelion seeds.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME DIE OF FRUSTRATION.

I'm sick of trying to put this in words.

I'm rambling so much!

Just..stop.

On another note, Zi Wei, Farah, Nicolette, you're the only people I can talk about this to.

I thank God sooo much you're in my life.

(':

Lots of love and hugs xoxo

And I thought I was going to have a decent week.

"When you got something good why the devil gotta ruin it?"

this just looks like a re-run

'Upon my word,' he said faintly to Mr Carmicheal, when it was suggested that the little girl should go into another room, 'I feel as if I do not want to lose sight of her.'

Then Mrs Carmicheal came in. She looked very much moved, and suddenly took Sara in her arms and kissed her.

'You look bewildered, poor child,' she said. 'And it is not to be wondered at.'

Mrs Carmicheal was crying as she kissed her again. She felt as if she ought to be kissed very often because she had not been kissed for so long.

Excerpt of the weekend!

Oh God I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to lose you again.

):

“She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful.”
— Neil Gaiman

Something about that quote is amazingly gorgeous.

I think friendship is all about the connection between people.

A friend can be as different as anything, but if there's no connection, there's no point.

tonight, I'm alright!

Amazing crazy old song from '09 that perfectly suits my mood now.

I don't like P!nk but this is too darling.

(:

really had me going

Let me go, just let me go please.

Leave me alone to be.

Release me.

I'll kiss your very feet if need be.

Just let me float away.

these crazy thoughts are so deceiving

You know I was thinking, right.

When you are really, completely close to someone, when you talk to them, it would be like a soul talking to a soul, right?

You don't give a damn how that person looks.

I mean, you know them so well it feels like you see past their physical being when you're conversing, and you are more connecting with the soul, and you're so used to it anyway.

Not like when you are speaking to someone you are uncomfortable with - that's more like a body communicating with another.

Get my drift?

I don't, well, I was just thinking about this.

So incoherent.

Thanks for helping me out today, everyone who did.

I owe you one BIG one.

And all the best for FAC 2012!!
<3

You got my life in the palm of your hand.

She's got a halo round her finger, around you.

You got me wrapped around your finger.

(Do you have to let it linger?)

Is it more understandable now?

I wanna run, smash into you

Listening to Beyonce now, that girl's amazing.

I used to wish to be able to read anyone's mind on command.

Today, the whole day, all I wished for is that I could use my mind to move stuff around so I wouldn't have needed to go and get them.

the death of me must be your mission

Last week was the one of the scariest, darkest moments I've ever had in my entire life.

I've no idea how on earth I could have ever felt like that.

I mean, I feel so alright and fine with my life now that it just misses me, how I can ever be so low.

Just, how does this work, anyone?

Being really eerily messed-up one moment and totally becoming an average teen the next?

How does that happen?!

So confusing.

Because currently I feel as if nothing can make me feel sad.

How I could have ever felt sad, angry, destructive all at once just amazes me.

I'm sure, completely justified, that inside me, there's this monster of a girl trying to come out and take me over to destroy.

Urgh, just forget it.

so glad you came

Omgahhh am on crutches now, just for a few days I hope.

>.<

Don't laugh at me please.

"So how did you get hurt?? ):"

"I tried to kick my sister then I fell."

What a jokeee.

But today I went to school again and got to see people. :)

So sweet of them haha.

I was so happy to see them.

Tomorrow I need to go to school so badly!

Too many things I'll miss out on if I don't!

And I am so p'd off for not coming to school today.

There were so many cool things happening.

Graahhhh.

call it a curse

I call it karma.
Right now I'm at the A&E section of the hospital.
For freaking falling and injuring my left leg.
Ok, fine it happened because I was gonna playkick my sister, but it went wrong, so.
-.-
I can't straighten my leg, I can't bend it so much, and it's swelling loads.
Trust me to get into this kind mess one day before bio SPA.
Holy crap.
This is gonna ruin my week, I'm gonna miss out on so much.
Ah heck, it was my fault so I gotta face it.
Kinda mad at myself but what's done is done.
):
Oh no.
How to shower and sleep and do basic things humans have to do?!?!
FML.

can't quit with your love

DONE!

HAHAHA.

AND I REALLY AM GONNA SLEEP AFTER 2AM.

OH GOOD GOD.

no one can hurt you now

I think I'll use this blog as my companion while I write my essays.

My recount - I know what to write for it.

But I am so unfocused.

I start listening to real weird music late at night.

NEED TO FOCUS.

GAH.

Edit:

Haha my mind was so bloody slow I didn't realise that "confusement" is not a word, and it is actually "confusion".

with the hands behind his back

Alright!

It's 12.19am and I'm done with the narrative!

Way to go!

Now I'll have to start at another blank Word document and start the recount.

Omg asuidfbaksbvskurvseiubfveiv.

or just call me blessed

I swear tonight I'm going to sleep late writing two essays.

I'm so glad I finished all my other homework in school.

But really, if I write two amazing essays, I'd still go to sleep, albeit at 2am, wonderfully happy.

And pleased and content.

:)

David Guetta is so inspirational.

In my essay, I'm practically just describing myself.

Haha.

nothing really matters in the club

I WANT TO GO CLUBBING!

I just realised that.

Minus the alcohol and freaking cigarettes, of course, that's just..ew.

Anyway, I just want to go somewhere to escape the world and my thoughts.

Somewhere where it is perfectly permissible to let myself fall into the loud, loud music and beats of whatever it is that is playing.

Really.

I need to find some inspiration for my essays!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to find the fate of my character Emily.

Or Liza.

I don't know.

Pleaseeeeee. ):

Ohmygod.

That was amazing.

I just got it.

Scrap koi fish and angst.

Today I'll write about a girl who uses music to escape her depression.

In an unangsty manner.

Hooray!

you can never understand why I grind like I do

"I wish today it will rain all day, maybe that will kinda make the pain go away."

Today it rained in the morning, haha.

It was during PE so after that I walked in the rain with Farah.

It was so nice, really nice because it felt like the rain was washing everything off of me.

So I guess it did make the pain go away.

But today I ran 5 rounds without pacing myself, like a mad woman just running, running, running.

):

Anyway, what else.

Emer kinda sang a song for me in the morning also.

The "Don't worry, be happy" song.

Hahaha it was sooo heartening.

<3

Well today I sorta made a list of things I would do to make myself happy.

1. Chocolate.

2. Walk in the rain.

3. Sing for nothing.

4. Rap for fun.

5. Laugh even if I don't feel like it.

Hmm.

Yeah that's it?

I guess.

Nah, I'm sure there's more but I haven't thought of them yet.

:)

Tomorrow's E-Lit test is gonna kill me.

Oh well, ok.

That's it.

:)

Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

This is my secret song.

Out of this place, I am not going to personally tell it to anyone or let anyone else hear this.

It's so much better to listen to a completely new song alone, so you don't have to worry about anyone's reaction to yours.

And I like having secret songs.

I mean, this one is especially beautiful.

If you see this, you're lucky to have.

If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best.

Which is why I want to keep this song secret before it goes mainstream.

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind.

It's so official.

I am some.

Screwed up.

person.

and I just.

urgh.

this is going to be angsty, ok?

I hate my being, hate my very essence of myself.

Because.

This is so.

I don't even deserve anything.

I mean.

I'm trying so hard not to sound like an emotional loser.

But.

I guess it's back to Tumblr, for me.

Ok?

and build a lego house

I don't lie.

I mean, I do for some stuff like homework.

But I won't lie when I say, "I love you", or "I miss you" or "You're pretty" or things like that.

Yes?

Ok.

Sigh.

I live a pretty much screwed-up life.

I feel like confessing everything to someone.

Who won't think I'm some ____.

Even when I know I am.

But yesterday I did one of the best Flag Days I've done.

It wasn't as long as I'd like it to be, and it was not in Orchard.

At first I thought it was gonna be bad, but then people where I was were nice.

"Good job!" and the lady put in a red dollar note.

"Why aren't you wearing a hat?" the man crinkled his forehead. (haha.)

And the nicest one of all,

"God bless you."

In my head, "No, God bless you."

I want my chem test back?

I hope I did fine for that one.

damn, those words are scary

I feel so distant with myself.

It is so difficult to get myself together everyday, you know?

Fake fake fake fake that's all I am.

What's wrong with me?

Today I left a scar on myself.

All I want to do is curl up and bury my face in my knees in the corner of my room forever.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

)':

she's losing it right now

):

I like rap because it is so.

Clean.

Not clean clean because that would be BS; almost everything is so dirty explicit.

But it is such beautiful music because it sounds so stripped.

When the voice is accompanied only with that one simple bass and beat, you feel as if all the feelings presented are raw as anything, like this bloody mess of a still-pulsating heart on a golden tray.

And the fear, confusion, loathing, love, lust all mix and meld into one but you just get it anyway.

With every pound of the beat you feel as if the music is coursing through your being and you feel like convulsing there and then because everything just overwhelms you, but you can only close your eyes and let it control your thoughts and mind.

And it gets better with headphones on max volume.

I guess I just feel a connection with rap.

Not everyone does, so. :)

That above is just really how rap looks like to me.

I love Drake.

This with earpieces is amazing.

you only live once, that's the motto

You trickin me?

91.3 playing awesome firetruckin songs now to help my mugging.

Make Me Proud?

Take Care?

Rack City?

Young, Wild, Free?

And now The Motto??

Perez Hilton is amazing.

:)

Edit:

Now it's J. Cole's Workout.

REALLY???

:>

I can never have an overdose of YMCMB.

"Money can't buy you love 'cause it's overpriced."

Edit 2:

HOLY CRAP.

BIG SEAN'S DANCE(A$$).

I CAN DIE FROM AWESOMENESS.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEE.

:))))))))))))))

it's a risk I take for the chemistry

Why you shouldn't be so judgemental, hun.

I let myself get in the way

Sometimes I become a major mean-ass bitch then after that, I feel so so guilty.

It's like, I don't want to burn them, but what I had to say is really necessary, hurtful or not.

This song really represents how I feel during those times.

):

I've got an angel on the left saying "Don't give in."

But the devil on the right saying "Let her in."

Each time I try to play the good girl, I let myself get in the way

I try so hard to fight the bad girl, but she's here to stay.

now make that motherfucker hammer time

I love love love this song.

It's crazy, quirky, dirty but so feel-good.

Can't explain it.

Oh yeah, I want Nicki Minaj OPI collection.

There's a promo $23.55 for 2 bottles.

There are 6 colours in her collection (Pink Friday, Fly, Save Me, Did It On 'Em, Metallic 4 Life, Super Bass Shatter) so you do the math.

I don't need them but I just really really want them.

Expecially Did It On 'Em, Pink Friday and Fly.

Please please please.

Gonna sacrifice my lunch money for this.

<:

angel on my left, devil on my right.

This week was crappy, I can't deny that.

Next week would be worse, of course.

Starting from tomorrow it would be, and it would stay that way for the next 8 days.

Unfortunately.

Well anyway, rants are rants and they have to be let out.

This whole week, without a single doubt, the most amazing thing I've had to listen to was that 'boys who pierce their ears are ugly'.

You wanna know why?

Because 'it shows they are rebellious and rebellious people are ugly on the inside, so they must be ugly on the outside no matter what'.

Well you know what?

Screw you.

For being so narrow-minded, and generalising people like that.

And not seeing the beauty in everything.

So sad to say but it's people like you that make the world ugly.

The power of this ugliness is freakishly beautiful, but whatever.

That's not the point!

The point is, that you said that, and you don't even fucking know him!

You don't watch their vlogs, you don't try to see his good attributes which you just wave away because he pierced his ears.

He pierced his ears, so he is a rebel.

He is a rebel, so he is ugly.

Come on, nigga, is you trickin or what?

I incessantly swear in my head so I am always rude.

My sister is in a neighbourhood school so she must be a stupid minah.

Girls with short skirts and ankle socks and pink bags are bimbos.

People who cut are just plain dumb.

Many rappers broke laws before so they're completely horrible role models?

So, is that what you think too?

Huh?

Huh?

So it's a rebellion.

To what?

Rebellion to a strictly gender-role society which in reality does not half-exist anymore?

Defiance to religion?

What?

What exactly?

Can you explain that??

What's wrong with it actually?

Do you really want this perfectly law-abiding community?

Where's the fun?

The thrill?

What the hell will life be about if all it preaches is to be compliant to rules, to not experiment with what there is, to not make shit mistakes you'll regret later?

Really, really?

Do you really want that?

That's total BS.

I hate that and so I will never follow that.

My life is boring, ok.

It is mundane and so..urgh.

Time to time, I do break school rules.

But subtly, and not in such an obvious way that it leads to a booking.

I don't know why really, it is just really a guilty pleasure.

You know you're doing something you are forbidden to -- that feeling is incredible.

My limits for breaking rules is that it must never compromise on anyone but myself.

I deal with the consequences of my actions.

Ok ok, back to topic.

Guys piercing their ears -- nothing wrong with that yo.

No one's getting killed for that.

I like guys who do that and can still pull the look off.

That's just too cute.

Can people just be less uptight about everything?

Can't you just have fun with your life and stop being so obsessed with shit?

Loosen up, for god's sake please!

Break rules and don't get caught.

Do something reckless.

Be a bitch.

Someone calm, cool, collected is always amazing.

I really still don't get how a rebel is an ugly person.

I guess he just found a way to live his life.

Don't have to find problems with that.

So yes, don't be so straight.

Be open-minded, please?

I hate judgemental attitudes too.

Why can't they just see from both perspectives, right?

):

It's like the only person I could fully tolerate for the past week was Farah.

Bless her soul, really.

She was like an angel.

Thank god I could rant to her about stuff and stuff.

And how she got me was brilliant.

She's amazing, I can talk to her about anything and not be judged or whatever.

I don't know, it is so easy to talk to her about some things.

She just has this attitude that I like, ok?

So unlike the detrimental ones of some people, the ones that confine me into myself and force me to bite my tongue, hold my horses.

Because it might have been controversial, what I wanted to speak about.

):

This is not hating on anyone, it's just me venting out my frustration.

Ok? Don't be mad..

If you know whoever was involved in this post, don't meddle, I plead.

Just read, understand, and keep it in.

I read Nicolette's blog too and she wrote about how she hated people looking in her notebook.

I totally understand how she feels.

My (amazing) planner is actually really filled with expletives.

It's not that I am thinking in curse, it's just that on every day in the planner, there is almost always a line from a song that expresses perfectly my mood for that day.

And if that line happens to be an explicit one from a rap, then so be it.

I just write it down because I had already decided I can write whatever the hell I want in my planner.

And I have this whole section reserved for Nicki quotes.

Some people cringe when they find that page because well..

Don't get offended if you decide you want to see my planner k!

Or think that I'm some shallow bitch.

Because that would suck.

Today I went to Orchard Central after the long day with the fam.

It was an unexpected outing and they only told me after I was done with French, when I was wishing only for a nice long rest at home.

I was irritated.

Anyway, I did something fun at the OC.

It was amazingly childish and such a lovable experience.

And I only did it because the place was almost deserted.

Anis and I, we kinda played catching in the mall, went up and down the many glass elevators, visited shops for no reason, pretended we were royalty descending staircases, hid and sought near escalators.

You get me.

It was amazing.

I wish I could do that with my friends, but they would never.

Anis played catching at Northpoint with her friends before -- I am jealous.

):

That's it.

That's what I wanted to get off my chest.

Tomorrow marks the start of a long, excruciating week so goodnight!

Oh before that, this one is for your mindset.

Because really.

Y U mad?

beauty I know she is

Tonight I will sleep at 12am.

FML.

I took a picture of my dinner just now for no reason.

It was a good dinner; I mean.

I didn't even realise how hungry I was until I sat down to eat.

Then I ended up loading my plate with food.

I have a little bit more homework to go.

It's all French.

Lucky only 1 short compo.

If not..

I keep having to compromise on myself and prioritize certain homework.

Meaning it is almost impossible for me to finish all the homework I have in one day for the next lessons.

Then I have to keep procrastinating etc, making myself even more busy.

So sad and stupid.

But then again, I always have to use my recess for breaks if not I'll never be fine.

Today was kinda bad and I feel like a bitch.

I guess Life's a bitch.

I hate judgemental people.

Why so narrow-minded, yo??