with a future and a past

Today was pretty amazing.

I woke up to a rainy morning- the best thing that can happen on an early Saturday.

Had the house to myself 'cause the rents were out.

Went out to fetch Adani from madrasah at Chong Pang with Aryan and got breakfast along the way.

It was delish.

Then when evening came, trooped to the Home Team Academy for Anis' NPAP.

She was brilliant.

:)

She was in the front row in the Guard-of-Honour contingent, which is hella awesome because they wear special uniforms and carry M-16 rifles which they later get to fire thrice during the parade.

My sister was wonderful.

Oh, but I swear to God, I'm in a terrible mood now.

Terrible as in just-f-everything mood.

can't let the devil in

Tomorrow I'll let go of everything.

Take everything as it comes.

I'm sure I can survive that way.

I get what I deserve.

Yes?

I can be selfish

A little conflicted now, I must say.

As always, it is a question of ethics against personal comfort.

Ahh I can never win.

'cause after all, nothing's indestructable

Oh god why am I so in love with this?
I don't usually like Madonna.

It seems to me, that's what you are- a rare and priceless work of art.
Stay behind your velvet rope, but I will not renounce all hope

And I can't tell you why it hurts so much to be in love with a masterpiece.

Ok I need to put myself together now.

I just wanna throw my phone awa-ay

I am so in love with Katy Perry's Part of Me.

Anyway, urgh.
I am so glad to be home because the first thing I did was throw up my breakfast; a meager banana.
):

I wanna be better before tomorrow for Spirit of The Class.

I think. My life is very messed.
-.-

I was reading some of my 2010 posts.
Oh my god, I just want to laugh with incredulity.
Really?
I was like that?
Eesh.

deep in the meadow, under the willow

Hmm, I feel like I need to tell everything to someone.

Not to you; it will be too much for you.

Not you, certainly. You make me feel insecure without even lifting a digit.

Not you either, for you are the owner of a strict mindset and you shall be very much aghast at my words.

Not you. You'd be insensitive as always.

Not you. I'd smother you.

Not you. I'm too scared to tell you any more.

Not you. I don't know how you will react.

Not you. We're not close.

Not you.

Not you.

Not you.

Not you.

Not you.

Oh dear god, there is no one to tell at all.

How tragic.

Deep in the meadow, under the willow

A bed of grass, a soft green pillow

Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes

And when again they open, the sun will rise.

Here it's safe, here it's warm

Here the daisies guard you from every harm

Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow bring them true

Here is the place where I love you.

looking for the right way to do the wrong things

“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals—sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
—Gary Provost

This made me smile.

bitches aint shit, and they aint sayin nuthin

I think I need to be alone for some time.

Every single thing is making me p'd off.

FML.

it's too much to hold it in

When I grow up, I'll have a whole house to myself.

And every room will have its own purpose.

One will be where all my clothes and shoes are - a walk-in closet I suppose.

Another will be a place where all the music will be. Plus a killer sound system, naturally.

And when I take baths, they would be in a bathtub with lit candles and rose petals and music I like.

This is one of the most unpolished things I've ever written while describing my future, but I guess my future itself is still unpolished.

No wonder I can't write it.

Anyway, I just can't wait to live alone, so I can do whatever the heck I want without disturbing anyone.

I legit can't wait for Roman Reloaded to drop.

Every released track I've heard from there is a-ma-zing.

I need to go shopping for stationery.

My pencil case is a fcking joke.

And I need a million notebooks.

/sigh.

your hands in the air like I was your puppeteer

I want a portable CD player omg.

So yes, I guess a Walkman.

My parents and mates and the whole world are going, "Omfg but that's so old school!"

Um hello, idgaf.

It's not the same listening to a ripped version of Drake or Nicki.

It only takes away the essence of the CDs.

If I download them onto my computer, I would stop using firsthand the CDs.

I don't want that.

Just, I want a Walkman so bad.

Pleasssseeee. )':

but only on camera

Lookin' in the mirror I'm embarrassed.

all these screams, all these voices in my head

I need to get a grip on myself.
I can feel it - something's wrong with me.
I can't place it, but it's there.
Something about me is not normal.

I want to write down whatever it is that is preoccupying my mind, but I can't.

There's so much, and.

And in all honesty, I know deep inside me, I won't reveal all that because I worry that I am only anxious over insignificant things.

I don't want to expose myself just yet.

But anyway, I need to focus.

Half the time during classes I find myself drifting, floating to God-knows-where, and when I realize that I snap and try to shake it off, but that feeling always comes back.

Something's possessing my mind and I can't make it go away.

I can't concentrate on what I'm doing.

I don't understand my lessons any more.

I can't carry out simple tasks properly.

I can't even do mental addition because there is always that thing stopping me from thinking clearly.

That thing?

I don't know what it is.

And that feeling of hopelessness and excessive guilt over..nothing!

By nothing I mean things that are so minor you have no reason to fret over them but they stir up such anxiety in me.

Please, please, I'm so scared of myself right now I don't know what I'm going to do.

I can't even talk about this to anyone, as much as I want to, as much as I need to, because I don't even know what I am to talk of.

I don't know what is it that is throwing daggers into my mind.

Ahh no.

Stop.

Ok.

Done.

I'm done with trying to explain myself.

This is going nowhere.

Done, done, I'm out.

It's funny how you could always make me feel small.

a hunnit mothafuckas can't tell me nothin'

Metallic 4 Life on my toes and I feel hella fine.

And really, I think I like who I'm becoming

I think I'm in a ferocious mood swing now.
At least I'm on the up side of it currently.
Eeek.
I'm scary.
My thoughts are scary.
My hormones are scary.
They do frightening things to me.
-.-

Jessie J yesterday was amazing, like I knew she would be.
(: ♥

It's going to be a cold, cold night.
I think my evening of solace will turn out perfect.

And everything suffused with the sunlight that left its colours lingering, flaming brilliant gold against the cobalt sky for an hour before fading to pearlescence, the shadows hollowed out in deep lucent blue.
-The Still Point.

to reverse the curse that they live in

Today went fairly well.

Considering how I did absolutely nothing productive over the weekends.

Oh but I don't regret it.

Well anyway, so much had happened to me lately but I just can't bring myself to write about them all.

I mean every second in my head I think of things to write about but when it truly comes down to it..nothing happens.

I like milk.

A lot.

There's just something delicious and satisfying about drinking it everyday.

It tastes a little queer and diluted at first if you stop drinking it for a while, but when you make it habitual, the wonderful creamy taste emerges again and you feel as if you can't stop.

There's just something about milk that makes you feel happy and content and aglow and whole.

I'm glad I'm not lactose-intolerant.

can't deny that I want you

"Are you high right now?"

Who wants to read my diary?
Best parts from 17 January 2012 onwards.

Hahaha.

Lol, joke.

No.

If anyone read it I'd be digging myself a hole in the ground to hide in.

But really, seriously, best parts are all those.

Wish someone who isn't easily creeped out would read it.

Such a pity it's all going to be left untouched.

);

take a shot for me

What a week man, seriously.

I'm still tired.

And I still have homework to do and stuff.

Still obsessed with Drake.

You know it's gonna be amazing when Nicki, and him and Lil Wayne make a song together.

I need someone to put this weight on

My dad got the airfryer, meaning we don't need to eat food cooked in oil anymore.

Meaning, I can eat everything guilt-free.

That thing is hella cool.

:)

Today I went to the library too after school on impulse.

I borrowed 2 books that I adore.

I've read them before and I want to read them again.

The Still Point by Amy Sackville and Like A Thorn by Clara Vidal.

Like A Thorn is translated from French Mal à Ma Mère.

I love those two books like crazy.

You don't know how thrilled I am to have those in my hands again.

Someone please get me those books for my birthday..

):

They're in my list of books I will never get sick of.

Packing for March camp now.

I'm excited!

I gotta stop procrastinating further though.

And I swear the world's not on my side.

):

Oh well.

kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me

Today was crazy.
Every single minute in school I spent getting ravaged from my insides with the monsters of them want and need and longing.
I could just feel them, the talons that tore me apart.
Tracing themselves lightly on my skin, making me shiver with anticipation and then ruthlessly piercing some part of it, stabbing me without remorse.
Making me bleed invisible blood, making me want to cry with frustration.
So close, you are so close.. the talons had lips that sneered and taunted.
Then they clasped around my neck and I couldn't breathe.
They had me so well.
And suddenly they slithered into my throat, smothering my windpipe and destroying me from within.
Only in your dreams, you slut.. they hissed once more.
All I wanted to do was shut my ears and eyes and drown everything out, all those horrid things the demon was saying.
But I couldn't shut out what was in me.
And it was true anyway, what it said.
It would never happen, why would I think that?
So it burgeoned from that, and flourished and prospered like bacteria in my head.

I am frustrated and tortured.
Nothing can keep this away.
Nothing but what it is that I want.
And I know that I will never in a million decades get it.
I will be abandoned with the arduous task of having to suck it up and deal with that.
It will never happen.
But that just makes me want it more.

And so the freak in me thrives.

'cause you are the death of me

but jealousy is just love & hate at the same time

How I'm feeling, it doesn't matter.

'Cause you know I'm okay.

Instead, I ask myself, "Why do you worry?"

You know, you know I'm the same.

I know, I know you don't love me baby.

They tryin' to take you away from me.

Only over my dead body.

this time won't you save me

You gave me strength, gave me hope, for a lifetime.

I never was satisfied.

I'm sorry for being such an ungrateful bitch.

:S *broken heart*

It's not your fault.

I'm a bitch, I'm a monster.

bitch, try yoga

I hella love you.

You are so sure of yourself even when I know you're not.

You know exactly what to say.

You are clever, aren't you?

You know, how can you know?

My life is so blessed with you in it.

Love always.

stay on my Qs, I stay on my Ps.

Bitches talk shit, but what is you sayin?

Got the illest dude in the game, speakin my name.

Unbelievable @ you babe.

It's ok you won't understand that.

Probs not aimed at whoever is reading this.

Anyway, today I feel like just talking about something that I had been wondering about for a long time.

When people wish someone a happy birthday, how come now they keep saying 'good luck for os'?

I mean, yeah, well I know Os are this year, but really, are those necessary?

"Happy birthday to you, I hope you have a fabulous one. Oh yes btw, I gotta remind you about your exams this year. Good luck for those."

K well, I have nothing against wishing people good luck for O levels.

That's wonderful, really.

But of all days to do that, people for some reason, love to do it on that person's birthday!

Well, why?!

Why would anyone want to interrupt a day of peace that that person is obliged to, by talking about something that honestly gives people the nerves?

I wouldn't like that at all.

Do you get my drift?

It becomes more and more cliche, corny, cheesy every time it is uttered.

I think people should stop doing that.

Next, people should never reveal that they never knew it was that person's birthday.

Even if it was an honest not-in-the-know, that should never happen.

It makes the birthday wish much less sincere.

Like as if that person as never important enough to have their birthday remembered.

Well I don't know, I would think that.

Lastly... oh god this is long.

Lastly, I don't really like people who write birthday cards to me and put in there, 90% of that card, saying how I am a great 'levelmate', etc etc etc.

Well thanks, I guess, but if you are one of my close friends, talk to me, in that special birthday card/letter, as a friend, not a levelmate.

We are both in the same CCA, it is true, but our friendship is much more golden than that CCA.

So wouldn't it be even better to be like friends, and not mere levelmates?

Because my life, and yours do not revolve around that.

Well I don't know, that's just how I feel, really.

Hahah I needed to get some things off my mind.

Today I found another Nicki remix.

Miss Independent remix.

Love that spin so muchh.

It's some crazy shiz, they keep coming nowadays like woah.

Not like I'm complaining, haha.

:)

I need to get a grip on myself, yes?

Focus on myself and stuff.

When you think about it, getting A1s and stuff aint that hard!

Really really, look at it, think of it.

There's nothing too difficult when you work!

Gosh this reminds me of my sister's classmate Havanesh who is somehow my friend on FB.

Every time he posts a status he'll end it with a hash-tag-focus.

Every single status.

Geek much.

-.-

But anyway, maybe I should do that too.

So.

#FOCUS

make that muthafucka hammer time

I love Nicki because she truly loves her barbz.

Bite me, apple sign♥

I'm who you be chanelin

I'm pissed at the screwed-up blog format.

Whatevs.

I'm tired.

I want a break.

I want out.

(Late night at beach and a full day out of the house sucks.)

Hello, young lady.

I know what you did there.

I know you readin this and that you know what I'm speakin.

I've posted this before but now's never been better.

How DARE you.

Damn I've got to control my temper.

I know you, hun, don't think I don't.

You can't handle it.

I promise.

Would I want to compromise on your feelings for the sake of me?

No hun, I don't.

I've got to take care of you too, you know.

Because I love you too much.

I can't vent myself out on you because it would be too much for you.

Ok?

I can never hate you in a million years.

But it makes me sad you would think that.

):

I hope you know I don't want to be like this either.

You think it's fun?
Well hell no.

It sucks.

ttm.

I still love you.

But really,

bitches want my old shit, buy my old mixtape!

And this is for you.

:)
Shawty, Ima only tell you this once, you the illest.

This might seem so les but who gives a damn.

♥ you for life hun.

And don't be silly, I'll be fine!

these bitches should be worshipping me in the synagogue

100% on Minaj.

You don't need to read this post.

Damn I love Nicki.

I mean.. I just can't.

I can't not love her.

Everything she does is amazing.

Every single controversial thing.

I can't hate anything.

I can't hate Stupid Hoe, her Grammy performance for Roman Holiday, her Grammy outfit.

I can't hate on the fact that she is doing more pop now.

I love her too much.

And don't get me wrong, niggaz, I love whatever the heck dis gurl be doin.

'Cause there ain't nothin to hate on!!!

You hear me, there ain't no thing to hate on for HB.

God damn I love this girl.

Do you honestly not see why I love her so much?

Hate it so much when 'barbz' turn on her.

Raggedy Ann can never be a barbie, bitch.

I wonder if they see that she's not gonna stop just for the haterz.

They don't deserve her best if they can't take her worst.

I just found this.

How the fuck did I not discover this sooner.

This is is hella amazin.

You mad 'cause I'm at the Grammys with the Vatican.

I'm gonna spazz.

Overwhelmed & heart is swelling.

love♥

(':

Can't wait for Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded.

When 3rd April comes, Ima be in HMV for it.

And this is Roman Holiday.

Love you 4 life, Onika.

why am I doing this to myself?

Yes, no.

Egos, fake shows.

Like woah.

Just go & leave me alone.

Real talk, real life.

Good luck, goodnight.

With a smile that's my own.

Can I get that Tron, can I get that remy, can I get that coke, can I get that henny?

Can I get that margarita on the rock, rock, rock?
Can I get salt all around that rim, rim, rim, rim?
Trey, I was like you.

Trey, do you think you can buy me a bottle of rose?
Ok let's get it now.

I'm with a bad bitch he's with his friends.

I don't say hi, I say keys to the benz.

Keys to the benz?
Keys to the benz.

Motherf___ing right yeah B to the 10.

If a bitch tryna get cute, Ima stomp her.

Throw a lot of money at her then yell F___ her!

F___ her! F___ her!

Then yell F___ her!

Then Ima go and get my louisville slug her!

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady.

I rep Young Money, you know slim, baby?

And we be doin donuts while we wave in the 3.80.

We give a lot of money to the babies out in Haiti.

Yellin all around the world, do you hear me?
Do you like my body, anna nicki.

Rest in peace to Anna Nicole Smith.

Yes my dear, you're so explosive.

Say hi to Mary, Mary & Joseph.

Now bottoms up & double my doses!

Ok I get it, let me think I guess it's my turn.

Maybe it's time to put this p____ on your sideburns.

He say I'm bad, he prolly right.

He pressing me like buttons down, on a Friday night.

I'm so pretty like,

Be on my pedal bike

He on my low scrunch,

he on my ecko whites

He say Nicki, don't stop you the bestest.

And I just be comin off the top as bestest!

Similes, metaphors & we pop pills

Sick flow inundated with the doc bills

Work hard, yeah we know how to top pills

In the middle of the street doing cartwheels

Lot of them tryna do it but it's not real

Wasn't a rapper then I couldn't get a pop deal

White girls in the hot pink hot wheels

Lot of bottles and a lot of fruity cocktails,

Uh, days of our lives.

You wink, it goes by.

So we'll just get it with no edison, anything goes so no time for closed minds.

And free my lil weezy.

And let's just get right.

Young money, cash money in the building

Let's go the world ends tonight.

I'm in the collared green 6, cornbread in the guts.

Got the halloween kicks, trick or treatin the clutch.

C'mon, nigga is you trickin or what?

Flo-flo-flow tighter than a d___ in the b___.

Just hopped off the plane, came back from vancouv.

Little white tee, some b____ and bamboos.

White girls tell me, "Hey Nicki your camp rules

Is that why you get more head than shampoos?"

A_________ no oink for me, and I never let a d-boy boink for free.

'Cause it's barbie, bitch, you could join the wave.

I done penny, nickle, dime, I done coined the phrase.

You couldn't beat me there if you had a lear

Indian-style courtside with the cavalier

VIP, Rose, you could have a beer,

'Cause honey when you gettin money you don't have a care!

Give me all your love, boy

You can be my boy, you can be my boy toy.

In the nick of time I can say a sicker rhyme

'Cause it's time for change, like a nickel or a dime.

I'm Roman, I'm a barbarian, I'm Conan.

You was sleepin on me, you were dozin.

Now move, I'm going in.

You have all the L-U-V, I gave you everything you need.

(Now move!)

Now it's up to Y-O-U, are you the one, shall we proceed?

Me, it.

Licks.

I'm so swag s___.

Glad, no one gave you this.

It's super sonic, bionic, uranium, hits.

So I break off em tricks.

Let's pray that it sticks.

Ima say this once, yeah, I don't give a s___.

I'm done.

frozen, and can't breathe

I'll definitely blog this weekend.

A long one, I hope, 'cause I need the release.

This week is just one hell of a week.

over my dead body

"Long as the outcome is income."

feels like I'm blazin

Today I got an e-mail from the co-owner of Awfully Chocolate.

It was the response to one of the questions I wanted to ask, but didn't manage to.

She saw Kimberly & I wave wildly from where she was sitting on stage but the mc was ending the Q&A session so we didn't get to put across the question.

Then, surprisingly, she approached us after that and we rushed it out on a piece of paper.

And she got back to me.

How lovely.

:)

She's inspirational, I swear.

Here's an excerpt of what she wrote:

I dont think of my work as a big success story. I don't think of myself as a big success. Neither do I view my failings as terrible earth- shattering failures. I try to practise success in the little things, like putting my best effort in whatever small thing I do, sticking to my beliefs, finishing what I start, getting things done on time. If I can achieve small successes in small things, over time I believe I will have built up a habit of success which will cumulate into bigger things.

I dont expect everything to magically turn out well for me, I know I have to earn any good that comes my way, so that keeps me humble and grounded.

Now that's something to remember.

but it's just something they know

Let me add to my list of things to do when I'm sad

-Paint my nails with Nicki's OPI & keep it on for a while (before removing it if needed)

-Watch Smosh

-Do both at once

this is for my niggas that don't cry

No no no, this is not supposed to happen.

That feeling is back again.

Where did you come from, dearie?

You're not supposed to interrupt this, my peaceful happy high.

Please, please, please.

Go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away.

Self-hatred does not belong to me now.

It is supposed to be long gone.

No, no, no, no, no, no, NO.

This is wrong, please, please, please.

What do I do to rid of you.

Fffff.

hate sleeping alone

I've loved and I've lost

National Young Women Leaders' Day conference was unexpectedly amazing.

I honestly thought I would sleep through it (actually I did for the for the first 5 minutes, sorry GOH!!) but it was too engaging.

And the speakers were really, really inspirational and relatable.

It was interesting because really, they were all so different but so similar.

One of them a Mt Everest mountaineer, another a wildlife photographer, one in the navy, and the last one an entrepreneur.

It's just that what they are doing are so unconventional, so quirky, it's so captivating.

And most of them started out not knowing what to do in their life.

That's me now.

I don't know what I am going to be in, say, 15 years.

I have no clue.

And I was so reassured when they said, it was perfectly fine.

So I am normal.

Really, I am.

I was kinda worried for myself at first.

But the whole talk through I was so..awed(?).

That's not the right adjective, really.

I was mostly..

Hm.

I was calmed.

Actually the whole week seemed to tell me that I am normal, that nothing is wrong with me.

Thank you, oh thanks so much.

I am listening to the Drake's album now.

That cd is absolutely perfect for my mood now.

All my albums, like my friends I suppose, have their purposes for being in my life.

Take Care is brilliant for my thinking mood.

The literature in every song is beautiful.

There're too many hidden messages in those.

People should listen to lyrics more.

Love<3

nigga got the peephole to my soul

I'm bored.

FML.

Today was surreal, ok, surreal!

Completely so unusual.

And off routine.

I am crazy retarded!

Mmpphhsd.

Personal mastery course was typical, I suppose.

I tried to make it as useful as possible to me, but.

Ahh.

It was fine.

But the food was, woah.

They totally fed us well.

I've never eaten so well in school.

So I survived on 20 cents for the whole week after all.

Hooray!

Ah dammit, what am I supposed to feel, seriously?

This ain't helping yo.

how far would you go?

This must be the worst pms in the entire world.

take a chance, roll the dice

I am so frustrated, in every way possible.

(See what I did there? Know what I mean?)

Seriously, is it really possible for me to be that ________ frustrated?

URGH.

And I haven't even had my 16th birthday.

Is that kinda thing possible?!

I feel like ripping everyone's head off, really.

I feel as if I would explode.

I have this huge, huge secret inside of me that keeps threatening to spill.

I keep having to bite my lip and dig my nails into my fingers to shut the heck up.

God I need release.

HELP.