got the eye of the tiger

Oh, Nicki.
I miss Pink Friday and the likes.

hello to high & dry

I can't believe it's not a school night.
It feels weird.
Starting to feel weird withdrawal feelings from RC - I guess it's sinking in.

Today was I was irritated so many times.
By so many bitches people.
):

I'm so mean.

And.
I need money.
My latest find is a really nice pair of denim wedges which I have been wanting for like, ever.
Actually ever since I found this from Zara:

But those are $169 and platform so a little impractical, no?
Then I saw this from Charles & Keith.

For a friendlier $50.
Um, want.
):

I have a long wish-list actually.
Well, not a wish-list.
It's more of a Things-I-Need-To-Complete-To-Be-Complete-But-Requires-$$ List.
(Uhh that makes no difference. :s)

I want to go for Study Camp.
Even if it's equivalent to signing your life away for about six months.
And it costs $290 seriously.
Just for food, wow.

This is crap.
I hate the format.

I was falling hard with an open heart

Long days and late nights.

Today I used all the ways I can think of to keep myself awake in class.

It was crazy, crazy.

I felt like the walking dead.

It was a terrible day btw, yes.

But I'll just throw this list out.

Guide To Staying Awake

1. Eat sweets 24/7.

Minty ones like Polo and Mentos mints are the best, 'cause they have that sharp taste that can perk you up anytime. Sometimes during French I have a whole stick of Polo sweets that I just keep popping in one after the other. The first lesson it worked wonderfully well, but having too much can give you some kind of immunity to it, so the effects wear off gradually after some time. And you get sick of them too. Also, if you want to really wake yourself up, try Sour Plus or something. Mad effective. But they don't stay around too long - it's not a sweet, just a gummy. They still shock you into staying up, though.

2. Eat tons of chocolates at one time.

Amazing. That amazing sugar rush gives you this high that is too helpful. You can stay awake for as long as 1.5 hours after a chocolate binge. Plus you get this miraculous optimism for everything while the high lasts. And you become amazingly happy. One time Mrs Chan got us packets of M&Ms and chocolate-covered almonds from the UK and I legit stuffed myself with at least 3 packets worth of milk and peanut chocolate M&Ms in that one A-Math lesson. After that, all the way till recess time I was in some kind of euphoria. The energy boost was incredible. I was really attentive. But the sucky setback would be the sudden drop in spirit when the high dissipates. ):

3. Binge.

This works. Really. Today I was so, so zoned in the morning. I was so lifeless and urgh. That feeling, you know. When break finally came I got out my huge pack of chips, the banana and the one bar of chocolate and..yes. I just started wolfing everything down. 'Wolfing' as in taking a bite of the banana and then the chocolate and the Doritos and having them all at once. Waking up for real came almost immediately. So I went from dead on Farah's shoulder to "Yes, yes, I'm waking up! :_)" in less than 2 minutes. Binging works. Eating gives you energy.

4. Eat well when you can.

Like I said, eating gives you energy. Best to have something with a substantial amount of carbohydrates like bread or something. If you really can't pull yourself together for nuts, just eat something healthy. Like a triple-decker sandwich for recess. The many calories in the bread simply mean more energy. calories=energy

5. Have coffee when you know you need to be awake for something important but can't reach that state alone.

Coffee's some strong shiz. Got a cup of cheap coffee so I could stay awake in French class today because I know I would need it. It worked really well, but it was hell at the same time. Coffee makes me alert, yes, but it feels more of a war between a drained mind and a restless body. It's like you're really mentally exhausted but your body's too active, or vice versa. And you can't do anything but feel it rage on inside you. So my physical self was really working and not sleepy at all but my thoughts were just. Strayed. It was artificial alertness. Which is why coffee is brilliant but torturous. And you also start to get really dependent on it.

6. Have hot drinks if you don't like coffee.

Before coffee, I loved having warm cups of hot chocolate or Horlicks while studying. They really keep your insides warm and cosy and you feel much more comforted into staying up. The heat gives you a jolt of wakefulness too, I guess.

7. Drink lots of water.

If you really are trying to stay up in class, occupying yourself with gulps of water helps to a certain extent. It keeps you busy and reduces boredom (if that's what's making you fall sleep..). At the same time, you're hydrating yourself, which is really important in keeping an alert mind, and staving off hunger by tricking your body into thinking it's full. So it's crucial you bring water everywhere you go.

8. Splash your face with water.

Get a tiny bit of water from that bottle into your palm and wake yourself up by sorta splashing your face with it. It's refreshing.

9. Use eye drops.

Carry this everywhere with you. Half the time you are falling asleep because your eyes are dry. Using eye drops work so good because it's like wow, your eyes are so comfortable now and the world is clear and amazing and you suddenly don't feel so tired.

10. Stretch and give yourself massages!

When you are truly exhausted, you know that feeling. Your muscles tense up like crazy everywhere and you feel too tired to even move. Massaging your arms and legs help to..loosen(?) them and reduce tension. This is also very refreshing. Very.

That was long.

But really, I think I used at least 6 of those methods in school today.

I pulled an all-nighter and god seriously?

School sucks after an all-nighter.

Gonna bloody sleep now what am I doing awake?

Oh yes.

If you pulled an all-nighter, don't be an idiot and do it again the next night.

Especially if you used coffee during the day.

You're gonna destroy yourself like that.

That's not gonna feel good.

I miss your morning kiss

What had started has now ended.

You know, if there's anything I miss most, it would be everything I experienced in my cadet life.

That's the best part after all.

Too many memories from when we were like that.

Haha.

I feel devoid of life.

give you what you deserve

Time passes too quickly.

I wish I knew then what I know now

gravity hurts; you made it so sweet

I have so much to do.

I don't know where to start and that's my problem.

I hate this week.

Everything's going to come crashing in your face.

it's a shame you didn't keep it

[What. Just happened to Blogger format.

-.-

Okaaayy.

I'll get used to it; suck it up.]

What a week.

I tried to find something good in every day and I did!

It was crazy.

Even in Thursday's meeting.

But I won't talk about it in this one.

Anyway, where was I.

Ah no, I can't think as straight with this new draft font which drives me nuts.
It is so.. structured and definite and so stiff.
It's suffocating, if that makes sense.
I feel fenced.

KIAUGBV UJSKNFDGCB.
I hate this format.

Okay, I can't take this font.

Really.

This is Garamond.
It is my favourite font because it's the one used for The Still Point and Like A Thorn and Mockingbird which makes those books so beautifully whimsical.
It pleases my eyes and brings me to my element.

What omg I never meant to talk of this.

So I listened to the rational part of me the whole week and buried my overly-sensitive one and the results were exceptional.
Everyday was good.
Every day.
So now I'm conflicted because it feels plastic.
No wait, that's not right.
It feels odd not having so many dark feelings in me.
Hm.

And today I got back my french contrôle and it was terrible.
19/30 for compo and 40/70 for paper 2.
59/100.
No way.
I'm gonna do better for contrôle 2.

This weekend and the week trailing after will be mad busy.

I need to focus and get a grip.

I still hate this thing.

don't have much to believe in

Alright here's a quick one before I sleep or something.

Today I realized that I can rely on myself.

I depend on me to get myself back together, pick myself up.

I take my own advice.

I can't expect all them other people to know when I'm sad or mad or glad (ha) because how would they know?

So I guess only I can drive myself and make me human.

Yes, I can live alone.

It's hard but I can live alone.

Long week ahead - no breaks at all.

Move move move every single hour every day.

Can't breathe, can't rest, can't ease.

Get a grip.

Strong, strength.

keep my mind off the edge

You know, if I've ever cried openly in front of you, then I must value you.

It must mean that I could trust you enough to handle my outbursts with care and say things that could make me feel better and side with me and not judge me.

If I had cried without hesitation in your presence, then you must know that I trust you.

I don't always do that with anyone and everyone.

It takes so much courage for me to bring my barriers down and well.

If I'd ever talked of my problems to you, no matter how little of them, then you are very special.

Please stay.

Anyway, one more thing.

I want to say that suicide should never be an option.

On Facebook (honestly the worst place ever to be emotional actually) there is this girl my sister knows who is really scary.

Every status update she has is about her Last Day and death and attempts.

It is really horrifying because permanent solutions should never be for temporary problems.

I've thought about it - how nice it must be to let go off everything and just disappear! - but I've never seriously considered it.

Because if I did, would it be fair to the ones around me?

If my sister killed herself, God forbid, I don't think I could ever live with it.

I would be plagued everyday with regret and self-loathe.

And please don't do anything drastic, I beg you.

It will pass, I know that because I know how it feels to be so low and not know even which way is up.

It is scary because she's just fourteen.

You have a long life ahead of you.

Don't miss all of that just because of some people who would probably be insignificant in a few years.

They would either make or break you - why would you want them to break you!

Oh well I'm rambling but you get me right?

Don't even think of suicide - that's the devil calling you.

):

Annnd Adam Lambert is actually kinda cute why must he like guys?
):

And Ariana Grande is adorable.

Alright that's it.

are you down to listen to me?

This was supposed to be a decently cheery post, or some philosophical one where I talk of stuff.

But no.

Everything's being too cruel.

Especially to you.

I'm sorry, I really am.

You are too precious for this and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I can't help you.

Nothing I do could help - I'm sorry that they didn't.

But remember that first and foremost, you are a growing person, a human.

Lose yourself in the mess, yes?
But don't keep being stranded.

Find who you are and get yourself back on track after.

Get a grip on yourself - you'll know the best way to eventually.

And then taste the sweet things in life.

Be lost and alone, but don't be a ghost.

Your task as a living person with emotions is to discover yourself why you live at all.

You hear that?
It's not to always do amazing in everything you do.

You are human, and so you act human.

Make mistakes, learn from them.

Get upset, then pick yourself back up.

If you find yourself being too mechanical, remind yourself that you are not.

If someone is driving you to be too mechanical, you remind that person too.

I can only do this for now, and hope it will somehow get to you.

I sincerely pray for your whole well-being.

***

I need strength.

x

I'm just sayin' you could do it better

Oh, this.
So beautiful.

feels like I've been driving for miles

Watched a scary movie today at my grandmother's place and it was scary.

)':

Can't sleep now at 11 because I'm too scared.

But I should just face the fact that I would have to sleep soon...in the dark.

*shudder*

SC Carnival yesterday was amusing.

Not as satisfying as the one two years before, but it was alright.

:)

God I can't erase this feeling from me.

This heavy dread that drags me down.

I mean, urgh!

You know, that bitch has no limits.

I've seen the way she treats people, and it's not right.

She acts as if she owns the world, as if she has a right to everything golden.

Well then to hell with that!

People make mistakes, okay.

You can chastise them because they deserve it, but they don't deserve harsh words like "you disgust me" in the damn public.

They're humans...are you?

I got to go out tomorrow and run errands and buy things and run and make me happy again.

I need to try catch my productivity again.

I see the pain hidden in your pride

So this was what broke me.
Yes I'm broken.
I cannot do this anymore.
Shielding everything behind some fake-ass smile?
I just did that the whole of today.
Can someone explain that?
Why?
Why am I doing this?
Going back to not eating?
No, seriously?

But what made me think I can keep this up forever?
What made me think I was such a wonderful student?

And no, look here, woman.
Fuck you.
How dare you make me feel like this?

And if you're telling me to get help, to talk about it.
I can't.
Okay.
It's hard to expose yourself when you are that insecure.
You think crazy stuff like what if all my problems are just minor shit I'm obsessing over for nothing.
Hence, I won't talk about this outside this place.
I just..ah.

And what if the thing that you have to destroy, the one that is destroying you..is yourself?

everything's adding up

I am still so tired.

But glad enough.

For being pretty much productive.

That's what this week has been all about so far; being productive.

Doing work 24/7, paying attention in every lesson, feeding myself well to focus better, exercising, even!

Feeling like I live for a purpose.

Is this how understanding lessons dutifully feels like?

Well then, it feels so satisfying.

I hope this is not just a phase that I will get over.

I don't want to burn out just yet.

I want this fire to keep going and burning.

Urgh this is incoherence.

But I am so exhausted now though it's only 10pm.

Trying so hard to keep my eyes open and my thoughts straight.

I just can't express enough how proud I actually am of myself now.

It is such a rare emotion, it feels odd.

Very, very odd.

back and forth you rock me

There.

Anxiety again.

There, there, there.

I can't breathe.

I will lose my cool and reach for my firearm

Tired, tired, tired.

And exhausted.

This week had been very productive for me so far - I'm working so hard so suddenly.

It's kinda weird, and I'm wondering if I will lose steam soon.

But until then, I should make use of this good girl phase of mine.

A bit more, just a bit more.

Speaking of phases, I think I go through a lot of them.

So many it's funny.

But no, really.

Yikes!

Ok quit blogging & get back to work!

like it's snowing in the south

I'm so tired.

But it was a productive day, so I don't regret anything..I suppose.

Did so much French work today it's ridiculous.

And it is still not diminishing.

I have many more writings to go.

I need to finish everything ASAP.

Should I stay up late tonight for this?

I'm glad most of my schoolwork is done.

And the ten-round race today felt good.

I think it rejuvenated me for the rest of the day, even when I started feeling really exhausted from it.

Oh well.

I'll try to do 2 more rédactions.

Eek.

pick a part, you dream it up

you're not easy to love

What kind of mood am I in?
I don't know.

Okay, I guess I kind of do but it would be too bizarre to say it out loud.

Eesh.

Drake is such a gentleman of a rapper.

Isn't that why I love him so much?

'Cause every minute you start switchin' up.

And you say things like you don't give a fuck.

you feed me fables from your hand

This morning, you wake, the sun ray hits your face.

Smeared make-up as we lay in the wake of destruction.

Hush baby, speak softly.

Tell me you're awfully sorry that you pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me.

Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me.

Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy.

Baby, without you, I'm nothing.

I'm so lost, hug me.

Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me.

Then after that shove me in the aftermath of the destructive path that we're on.

Two psychopaths but we know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs, that we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky.

Together we move mountains.

Let's not make mountains out of molehills.

You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?

I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count but together, we'll live forever.

We found the youth fountain.

Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refuse counsellin'.

This house is too huge- if you move out I'll burn all two thousand square feet of it to the ground.

Ain't shit you can do about it.

'Cause with you I'm in my fucking mind, without you I'm out of it.

-Eminem, Love the Way You Lie Pt 2

first of all you need to know that I'm not the one

Excuse me but who are you fixin to be?
Let them motherfuckas know it's plenty fish in the sea.

And he sweatin' me just 'cause I got the tightest ho--!

But I couldn't find that th-thing with a microscope.

Gimme dome, dome, do-do-do-do-do-dome dome dome,

I anit trippin' on your money money, long long long.

Want my own TV production company.

So tell Harpo to hit me Celie.

Anyway, RiRi, what rhymes with your name freely?
Money got you vacationin' in Chile?
Do you wanna sit on the back while I wheelie?
Really, really?
No, for real, really?
Laid out on the beach, they be feedin me my cat fishes.

'Cause it's raining men, fat bitches!

-Nicki Minaj, Raining Men

so I surrender to every word you whisper

I heard you good with them soft lips.

Yeah you know, word of mouth.

The square root of 69 is 8 some, right?
'Cause I've been tryna work it out, oh.

Good weed, white wine.

I come alive in the night time.

Okay, away we go.

Only thing we have on is the radio, oh.

Let it play.

Say you gotta leave but I know you wanna stay.

You just waitin on the traffic jam to finish, girl.

The things that we can do in 20 minutes girl.

Say my name, say my name, wear it out.

It's getting hot, crack a window, air it out.

I can get you through a mighty long day.

Soon as you go, the text that I write is gon' say.

-Drake, What's My Name?

like you might make a mistake

Damn these raging hormones.

I swore off these desires a long time ago but urgh.

They ate at me again the whole of yesterday and none of the circumstances helped.

So here I am at this state.

I feel like scream-rapping the dirtiest rap ever, with free emphasis on the explicit words.

Can that clean me out?

I need distractions.

An acceptable distraction for this outrageous one.

And I really like Boyfriend by Justin Bieber.

I'm not a huge fan, but this one is sick.

He sounds a lot like Justin Timberlake.

:)

you got me thinking twice to just breathe

Heads up, this is another one of those vulgar rants.

God damn I absolutely hate all those people who keep saying they want Super Bass or Starships standard tracks from Nicki.
Hell fucking no.
They seem to forget she is a rapper, not just another pop artist.
She just released Beez in The Trap which I absolutely l-o-v-e, but then I see all these haters.
I bet it's a rollover from Stupid Hoe.
But that's not my point, there are definitely people who don't like some songs, so I'm fairly ok with that.
But senseless hating?
Come fucking on.
But what makes it worse are comments like "Oh my gawd I wish she made more songs like Super Bass!!"
Like, NO.
NO!
She doesn't live to keep churning out pop.
I mean, urgh!
I feel like the only side of Nicki they know is her commercial one.
Don't love an artist for being commercial, come on.
And I'm sick of Super Bass, ok?
This might sound hypocritical but people should just stop thinking they're all that for knowing how to rap it.
And that's the only track they know.
What the fuck.
This comment explains EVERYTHING.


Damn, this seems terrible of me.
But really, I'm over Super Bass.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I have such a fierce dissatisfaction with this, but.
I'm sick too of its covers and Sophia Grace and her sister who truly sicken me because I've had enough of them.

And this is really besides the point, but 98.7 censored out part of "My name is Onika but you can call me Nicki" in Starships because they thought 'Onika' sounded like 'nigger'.
And I'm pissed.
It is such an injustice because they didn't bother to check and god what the heck don't make her birth name sound like a cuss word.
You don't go around not knowing songs and fading parts out for nothing.

Dammit I'm done here.

damn, is it the fall?

I learned working with the negatives could make for better pictures.

I feel disoriented, actually.

Damn.

Do you love this shit?
Are you high right now?
Do you ever get nervous?

Are you single?
I heard you fuck a girl, is it true?
You gettin' money?
You think them niggas you with is with you?

-HYFR.

if you're not by my side

I couldn't get around to sleeping at all last night and managed to coax myself into ruggedly losing consciousness only near 2am.

Something about last night was just disturbing, but I don't know what.

I think I was scaring myself a little, too, thinking of anything and everything.

So when I woke up to a light rainy morning with 0 thunder but rapid lightning, I was so unnerved.

It was unusual.

So, so, odd.

And I was very late to school but probably half of the student body was too.

I came at 7.45am.

It was quite amusing.

Catching Fire is amazing.

How is this 'bad'?

I think the plot is brilliant, and I am genuinely constantly hit with surprises.

The feelings I get from it are so raw.

My heartbeats actually speed with anticipation with every single page.

I am tearing myself away from it to save the last part for when I deserve it.

It is that captivating.

It doesn't suck, how could anyone think that?

There is a lot of tragic events, but those just enhance the experience.

It is the love.

Oh yes, had Oral prelims today.

It was fine.

Not great, but..fine.

Roman Reloaded releases tomorrow.

it all comes down to this

You know, in the end.. I'll be fine.

with hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you when I close my eyes

Oh heck I love and miss this.
I had it on my MP3 player but you know what happened to it.
):

I'm really not that over it.
I mean, I'm subdued, but sometimes I get racked over with so much longing for it.
It was my life.

forced trauma; blunt.

Well I was just thinking about this.
It's a rant, and fairly I am able to keep it down but you know.
Why keep it down when you have an outlet?

You are the most insensitive person.
Ever.
On Friday I was so fcking frazzled what with the forgotten log sheets because of the mad rush in the morning when Aryan fell sick.
So I kept apologizing because I felt bad.
I mean really, I felt horrid for pulling the group down because of me being careless.
But you won't even sit your damn ass down and kept saying "We're dead."
dead dead dead.
That's what you kept saying.
Not a word of comfort, nothing!
Like bitch, shut the fck up!
If you don't have anything nice to say to my damn face, you don't say it at all.
Keep your shit to yourself.
I mean, I couldn't help it that my brother was ill.
I was feeling so upset, moody the whole damn morning already.
Did you not see that?
How could you not see that.
Then again, I already know you are one of the worst fcking people to talk to when I am in a mood whatsoever.
You with your silly practical mind and overbearing personality and 0 EQ.
Which is why I know you'll never be a close close friend.

Eesh.
Rant over.

didn't know what I was doing but I put on a cape

My dad just got a wireless mouse for the laptop.

When I was younger, like in primary school or something, Anis and I would argue over who gets to use the computer.

Then I or her would take the wireless mouse and hide it so no one would be able to use it.

Now none of that would be necessary since we got two laptops here.

And I also realize taking the mouse away won't work anyway because the laptop has a cursor pad.

Hahah.

Well, this was pointless, but I miss my childhood.

After school, then, I would be home at 2pm and Anis and I would play pretend in our room, illegally air-conditioned, till 7.

We'd play princess, farming, sinking ship, haunted house.

Oh and with dolls!!

You know, honestly, I would never mind doing all that now.

It's just the serious lack of time and I guess.

As your mind grows, you seem to have lesser grip of being able to imagine all this.

I don't want to grow up.

)':