diving in too soon

That..was intense.
I am wrecked and ruined and broken.
That was one of the most beautiful fics I've ever read.
It was a deathfic so you can bet your socks I've been sobbing the whole way through.

I don't know why I'd decided to read it (it was a one-shot) in between chapters of TIF.
I think I thought I was a tad too emotionless while reading some parts of TIF.
Well, there was a chapter and it ended quite sadly, so comments that spoke of extreme tearing sessions were abundant, and I suppose it got to me that I wasn't crying myself.
I really do hate it when I can't feel things, sometimes.
I want to feel happiness, or sadness, but I am so unable to that whenever I try, I just end up with detached amusement and incredulous giggles because am I seriously trying to make myself cry?

So I suppose I decided to read the deathfic because I thought it would help me "get sad feels and then I can move along with a couple of tears and the right emotions in hand".
Heck yeah, it did.
A little too much.
The plan bloody backfired, I got more than I bargained for (they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes), and now I am left having to nurse myself (my guts feel assaulted, my heart's hollow, and I can taste salt), simultaneously slowing down and disrupting my progress of the reading of TIF.
Well, great.

Really, though, I think I need some serious time getting over sweet turning sour.
It was a bloody good read, and it hit me in the right places.
Now I don't really know whether to sleep it off, or chug on ahead with one more chapter of TIF, which I think won't feel so good now since sweet turning sour's showed up and my mind's still on it, but not continuing will be bad too, since the last chapter ended so horribly and it leaves such an aftertaste if I leave it hanging.

Or is the aftertaste really from sweet turning sour??
Hmm.

I still don't get why I keep making myself read deathfics when I just know those are what kill me straight off.

Ok.
I think I need to mend my ravaged self with a complete + listen session.
Even though it's 4am.