Oh, sick

:(

Actually, I am not really liking the fact that I am becoming particular about food. Oh sigh, if only people could read what I write in ilovelifenotreally.

I have an 'Understanding Eating Disorders' brochure with me. Oh gosh, so many signs and symptoms. So many complications. BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET. Uh...okay whatever. I know my limits anyway. I hope.

1731 cals max.

Double Quarter Pounder Meal.. -shudder-

Oh dear Life, I broke my promise to not eat at McD's for the rest of the month. :( 2 days left till end of June, and I MUST break it now. D:

Nicole Tan's grandma got me a DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER MEAL. Oh good God, it sounds fat. I FEEL FAT. Oh God, I probably took in more than 500 calories already. Oh good, good God. OH GOD. Please save me, SAVE ME FROM THE GUILT.

I shouldn't have said "Oh, I'll have anything. ^^ " Oh God that was the biggest mistake of my life.

OH GOOD GOD.

I shall thus live a calory-conscious life from now onwards. I will go now to do more research on it. I shall fast every Monday, Wednesday and Sunday.

OH GOD.

Oh btw, thank you to everyone who made camp awesome

Sometimes, I feel like I betray friendships. And I am so sorry. But I hope if you think that, then know that I still consider you a great awesome super great unforgettable fun friend. And a best friend.

So thank you.

Jan for believing in me 100% of the time and helping me to pass FD Accred. You are the awesomest. :) I'm not kidding. I love you very much. :) Oh btw, I LOVED/LOVE your performance for campfire. NICE ONE, JAN. :D

Nicole for saying 'of course' with that half-whisper and expression that says 'why are you even asking that' when I asked 'Will you be my best friend?' You crack me up all the time, I swear. /:)

Nicolette for being a source of entertainment. I guess you really really really love your home. Haha, jkjk. You are one awesome dudette. I won't lie.

Nicci for sharing your super big sleeping bag with me even though you probably wanted everything for yourself. :/ No I'm KIDDING. I sure hope sharing my 'pillow' made up for it. :D Sorry I couldn't fulfil my promise to do head-to-toe for Day 3. :( I will not break it though, the next firedrill, I will do it.

Alyssa for being a great groupmate, most of the times. No I'm KIDDING. But why you so quiet sometimes one? >:/ You know how boring it was? I resorted to 1) talking to SOB who's currently dead. 2) talking to my food. Oh and thanks also for putting up with me during the hike. That was fun. :D

Kimmy for being a casualty with me. That was so BORING. I HATED BEING A CASUALTY. Ok, maybe I'm lying a teeney weeny bit, because I don't have to do pumpings and all, but I admit that all those were what shaped camp. So I was very upset that a little fall ruined the whole camp. Day 3 is so incomplete. :( Therefore, thank you for being with me and for composing the greatest song for POC. :)

Jayasree, of course! Why should I forget my own mum? You were a fun person. I enjoyed bullying you in many little ways which you may not have known. I DANCED WITH YKW. HA. TAKE THAT. AND AS ALYSSA WOULD SAY, SO THERE.

OMG MISELLE. WE BROUGHT 2 OF THE EXACT SAME STUFF. :000 How awesome! You were/are awesome! Oh right and thanks for giving me the brilliant idea of using glasses during June camp. You did not get hurt at all. Mm-hmm, ohkay. Oh! And for reacting exactly the way I wanted when I said Ami Ma'am was speaking French. :D

Xuannie for being fun and random and awesome as always. You made camp so much more fun with your x-traordianry voice during FD. And thank you for playing staring contests with me. I think I tried subtly playing that with you during keep still before lunch on Day 1 when you were at the table at the furthest corner. But I don't know if you know... Gosh, SORRY FOR FORGETTING YOU!! DD: ILY K?

Mary Ma'am for being a great group I/C. FOXY LOXY IS THE BEST RIGHT? Even though Piramol Ma'am did not come and stuff. I really liked your excited expression when Foxy Loxy became doomed to be gay for life. :D

No, I'm sure there are more. Especially for the ex-NCOs. Yes, THAT will have its own special thank-you blog post.

:)

Damn, I love Break Your Heart with Ludacris. Taio Cruz is the awesomest. My favourite artist evar. :) I love his whole album! That's good because I don't usually like all the songs on an album. Same with B.o.B., I like all his songs on his album too, but Anis has already taken him, so that leaves Taio Cruz to be mine. :)

Eh, and I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Eh, like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
Eh, if you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Eh, told you from the start, eh

That's for me. I never seem to stick to one friend. :( Haha well that's my favourite part anyway, I will always tap my feet to that. Always.

Oh, and THANK YOU once again. I LOVE ALL OF YOU and I wish I could give you Lemon Honey Hacks but too bad I'd rather keep all of the 3 packets for myself. Oh, and remember, you better not do anything bad to me or else I will eat all the snacks Isabel Ma'am gave us. Remember ah, 8 packets of Chocolate & Almond biscuit sticks and 1 hiuge packet of Hershey's Kisses Dark Chocolate. You don't want that to disappear. >:)

I feel horrid

I have no idea why I am still sad and crying about it because it's not like I'm the one leaving SCRCY.

Yet I read Wen Qian Ma'am's blog post with the whole lyrics of their song for us. And I cry again. It's the meaning.

Self-pity? Reassuarance?

I don't know.

I miss them. I miss everyone. I miss everything. Every firedrill. Every punishment. Every meal.

SCRCY is awesome.

To live by honour, to serve with pride.

I think I know what it means now. :)

With love,

Camp is over. I am camplagging. I simply do not know how to explain all this. Where to start, what to emphasize on, what to say.

Maybe I should start from..the start.

Actually, at first, I was a little nervous for camp, I guess. I mean, which cadet wouldn't be, right? And I was okay. Oh. Scrap that.

For the first 2 days of camp, I was still not in the POC mood. I did not think much about it, honestly. I did not even tear(okay maybe I did, a little, sometimes) when I think about it. I just look at the (ex)NCOs and look at them while thinking, "Oh, they're not leaving until way later in Time. They're not gonna leave us yet." In short, I was not preparing myself mentally for POC. (Unlike how I dealt with arwah Yai's death.)

And suddenly, the last day arrived. And with the bat of an eyelid, it was time for POC. (Somehow the one more 'confirm' real firedrill never came..) And then I look at them while thinking, "This is The End. They're leaving for good. They'll never come back. Remember all those great memories you had with them? Yeah, that's never happening again." And then I started crying like mad. Torrents, bucketfuls of tears. I couldn't sing right. I couldn't eat right. I couldn't see right. It was/is hard to see NCOs cry. You never see a senior cry. It feels horrid when that happens. I know I felt horrid.

I knew they were trying to be strong for all of us. They did not want us to cry too. They want us to be strong. I guess that was one of the last gifts they gave. Being in a way, a role model. Who doesn't cry. So we'll follow them. And not cry. And be strong. I didn't do that.

It hit me last minute. Of course I'll get crushed. I thought I wouldn't cry at all. I thought I'd be some kind of emotionless zombie wondering why the hell all my levelmates, juniors(some anyway), seniors, and NCOs were crying like the world was going to end.(In a way, it did.) I thought I'd be okay. But I was not. I sobbed as hard as when Yai died. I never do that. Never. Yet I broke down. For the NCOs. For the lessons. The memories. The times of joy. The times of hardships. The times of Faeqa Ma'am screaming 'DOWN!!!!!!!!'. Everything. Later that day, I decided I was not done crying and carried on in the car. (Papa got a little worried.)

After camp I was in a missing-camp mood. Everytime I close my eyes I see June Camp unfolding before me. I dreamt about June Camp. The first song I listened to this morning from my MP3? Just Dance. Of course I smiled when Chocolate started dancing to Gaga's Starstruck. But I will never ever ever ever ever forget anything.

Honestly, I was crying for not only the NCOs, but for the Sec 3s, now NCOs. How they will never be the same again. It just, hit me hard, you know.

But for now, I'll just say. Thank you. For every single thing you've done for us. For every single mistake you endured and corrected. For every smile we shared.

Thank you.

I WANT A BARBIE DOLL!!!!

Please? Please? Pretty pretty please?? /:)))))))

With all my love to Life,

Coco, despite having scratch me, bite me, ignore me for these past few six years, had really showed me how important she is in my life. I honestly cannot imagine life without her curled up on the sofa or the carpet asleep and then waking up stretching before slumbering again. I cannot imagine her dead. Maybe, she will pass on when I do not live here anymore...

Like Mama and her late cat, Manis(sweet in Malay). Manis died after Mama got married and while she was pregnant with me.

I hope Coco will pass away when I am pregnant with my own little baby and eat ice-cream tearfully next to my own husband. Just like Mama. :)

Nyai says she had always prayed that the late Manis and arwah Yai would pass away in the morning and that she would be there to see the deaths. Nyai got her wishes fulfilled. That's nice.

Al-Fatihah for Manis, and arwah Yai.

Life, since this is more about him, please do send my regards to your brother, Death.

Dearest Life,

Goodness, I really regret even touching the lemon honey Strepsils. I don't think it tastes nice and sweet at all. It reminded me of, urgh, eating rubber balloons. Instead of making me feel better, I get a worse headache. Now, I think I would rather gargle salt water. What a waste of my $1.10 for 6 useless lozenges. How on earth am I going to finish 5 more? :(

On the topic of attention seekers, I think now I don't quite have to explain on it. It's obvious that they do that because they are really feeling insecure and lost inside and don't know if people will continue liking them when they know them even more. So they just continue faking and smiling and laughing doing everything they can all the while trying to fit in. And hoping that people will not leave them in the end. They keep thinking that people are done with them once that 'fire had burned down'. Thus, the start of their depression. Honestly, what they need is one smile and a hug that is sincere. End of story.

I have not been fulfilling my promises, Life. I must pack for camp today and prepare my uniform today or else I will be pretty much dead by execution.

I shall start with HMT and polishing my boots.

I am not ready to be a Sec 3. I do not want to be a Sec 3. I do not want to be the start of SCRCY's downfall. Fear? I don't know, maybe. Apprehension? Totally.

My time management is extremely bad.

Dear Life,

I'm not posting much because pretty much I feel down much of the time. 'Much' is a weird word once you write/type it many times over and over. Much. Much. Much. Much. Much.

I had a nice dream last night. Or maybe it was not so nice. Because I was trying to run away from 2 people, one of them was Mr Jo. (Haha how did he end up there?) But it was nice because I was running away with someone. And don't you always like that nice floaty feeling in you when you dream of someone you love/like being with you? It was nice.

I promise to try and not be lazy and do all my homework before camp starts and maybe start revising some of my French stuff to get rid of the guilt that will come up when I get my results (50/90 confirm!! But I still hope not.. But still..) on the first lesson of Term 3. That's next week. OH NO. :(

I also promise to transfer my bloggings in Malacca and KL ASAP.

I will also try to get well before June camp. Auntijoe says having a cold during camp is NOT nice at all. She tells me to gargle salt water for my cough but I don't want to. I rather try the new honey lemon lozenges by Strepsils. But Papa forgot to get them today.

Today we also went out to eat lunch. I suppose it was supposed to be a little Father's Day celebration. But we didn't get anything for him. :/ Well, I dedicated a little status for him on Facebook! But he doesn't have an account so..

Birthdays are important. You know why? They are signs of a person's uniqueness. A special day for the birthday girl. I don't know why I'd been thinking about my birthday lately. I'd been stressing to Papa and Mama(mostly Papa) about what I would like them to get me for my birthday. Maybe it's because I just want to be reassured that I'd get something for my birthday, that I am remembered by some people. So far, I had asked for a waterproof camera, earpieces, anything French, and a Barbie doll.

I want a doll. I want a boy doll. And a bride doll. And a casual clothes-wearing doll. A doll that comes with furniture. A doll that comes with cell phones, cups of coffee, and bags. I don't care. I'm not picky. I just want a doll. A Barbie doll.

I had always wanted to be celebrated on my birthday. Never happens. Maybe I just want to make sure that.. o jsbr gtormfd yjsy ;pbr ,r smf vstr gpt ,r.

I am basically not feeling the best right now.

I don't see what's so great about that...person. What makes the 2nd person want to be with that...person all the time. Urgh.

I wish I could talk to someone about it. But right now, I have almost no one. It's so late.

I better sleep.

I I I I I I I I. Look at how most of my paragraphs start with 'I'. It just shows how egoistic I am and how much attention I want/need.

Did you know that sometimes, the worst attention whores may be people who are the most insecure?

I suppose I will talk about that some other time. It's so late.

I better sleep.

P:

I feel like eating Fettuccine Carbonara. Yum. Cream sauce, and fettuccine, and strips of bacon. Yum.

You know what?

I'd been thinking and thinking and thinking. And I realized that I am a very mean person who is biased and inconsiderate and selfish and uncaring and thoughtless and evil. I should do something about it.

:D

Oh my god, isn't La Lavande so pretty now? /:) Though the picture's of a chrysanthemum.. :/ But isn't it lovely? Sigh...

I blogged in M'sia

I feel lazy to transfer everything. :L

Light bulb

What if I convert all my hatred to love? Oh, I feel so much lighter now! Instead of this pure black mist, how about golden streams of sunlight? Instead of feeling angry for missing the POC meeting, thus allowing stuff to happen, how about I feel glad and joyful that they are having a good time?

And I need you now

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone
And I need you now
I said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

its happening againnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

u must imagine very weak and slow typing with hands that do not lift from the keyboard to move to another letter.

basically, i still feel like a kalaidoskope

Regrets

I have now come to realize that in life, there will be many regrets. I mean, I'd faced them many times now. For instance, that time Jan regretted saying 'Oh by the way, I am from SC too' to the elevator doors that were sliding shut. The lift contained, oh, just a teacher and a hiuge group of SC students(!!). And Anis now regrets lending the Percy Jackson and The Titan's Curse book to Alyssa because now she's no more the first one to read the book, therefore, it is now considered...impure? And so, she does not allow me to read the 2nd book, the Sea of Monsters one. Menaing I have to wait like what, 5 months more till she finishes reading the remaining 4 chapters of the Lightning Thief book PLUS the whole of the SOM. >:( It's not fair because I have to wait 5 months for a pleasure lasting 5 days.

Anyway, back to regrets and regretting, you know. It just exists. Surely there is something everyone regrets.

What do I regret? I don't know. Life is a long period of time. Hm. Wait, I can't assume, you know. /:) But I do not think I have regretted anything. Yet.

:(

ilovelifenotreally is losing its uniqueness. In a span of less than 5 minutes, I had seen two blogs that have the same blogskin as it. That sucks. Dammit. Damn. It. But still, I love it. It's like a private diary where I spill out my deepest (and somehow most embarassing) emotions. It's actually kinda soothing and reassuring to know that I may be honest, somewhere. And not hurt anybody at the same time. It's where I may rant, curse, swear like a mental patient. It's like a...a best friend.

You know who else is my best friend? My sister. (No, never the P1 one. Never.) Anis is so like my bestest friend ever. I mean, I can always act and be myself with her. Heehee. Yesterday we planned to stay up till 5am. (We officially succumbed to slumber at around 3.30am.) To pass the time, we played with dolls, story left hanging as always, ate Nutella straight from the bottle, played Neopets, read books, played more Neopets, had midnight snacks, acted crazy, laughed like mad, and had a perfectly enjoyable bonding time(if you minus the whole effort of trying to actually stay awake).

Didn't that sound like fun? /:) It was, honestly. We got high from eating all that chocolate. C:

Hey Anis! Let's do that again! How 'bout it, huh? :D

Story of my life

One moment you're running, flying like the wind, like anything's possible. The next moment you realize it's all just a dream.

I wish with all my almost-broken heart that jealousy is non-existent

:( Sigh. Jealousy must be the worst thing ever. It always leads to hate, and that is definitely NOT good. Must breathe.

I don't even get why I am jealous. If only jealousy weren't my flaw..

But anyway, at least I can continue fattening myself up with chocolate cream biscuits and milk prata which I can happily say that I can make myself. Yesss. I do not need to go to the local coffeeshop anymore for a bite of it. I make myself a plate full of those. >:) Yeah, I tried making it today. It was kinda successful, I guess. Teehee.

And I painted my toenails with henna. And um, it's just random FYI but it's um, yeah. And henna is better than nail polish in more ways than one. It stays there for a long time and it doesn't disappear by itself. You don't have to do anything to remove it, just cut your nails, as per normal, so it's no hassle. Plus, it is okay to solat with it on. Not like nail polish, which requires base and top coats, and some nail polish remover if you want to get rid of it. Also, sometimes, it doesn't seem to stay on and some parts rub off. Ick. And anyway, you cannot solat with it. So yes. :)

And my week so far had been quite wonderful with the sleepovers- with family and friends. ;) Thanks Nyai and my great cousins and the parents and Jan and Nicole for the lovely time. ^^

Hm. I see that this post is very..random.

I can therefore conclude that I am a great fortune teller. The winner will always be Twilight. Trust me.

I'm watching the 2010 MTV Movie Awards on MTV now and I'm just so pissed and bored. If not for the comedy acts and the performances, I would have switched off the tv already. It sucks that Harry Potter & The Half-blood Prince and Alice In Wonderland and 17 Again and Avatar(even if I don't quite like it) have NO CHANCE TO WIN. AT ALL. It just freaking sucks. I mean, I like Twilight. But why must they win EVERYTHING?!?! Yeah, until the host Aziz Ansari said 'Yay what a surprise Twilight won EVERYTHING' at the end.

It's dumb and stupid. What's so GREAT about the movie until BETTER MOVIES DON'T EVEN STAND A CHANCE TO WIN? The only thing Twilight movies have is an average-looking girl, and one super ugly gay-looking guy whose lips are too red and body is too bony. (Sorry, I gotta say Taylor Lautner is still cute and hot.) And, I mean, that's all. I'm just sick of seeing Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson get up the stage. It's getting DAMN IRRITATING.

I am not kidding. They won every category they were being nominated for. Stupid shit.

XC

I promise not to eat Mac's for the whole month. It's a promise, I tell you, A PROMISE! I ate there on Friday and on Sunday, and am kinda sick of it.

Well, after that we went to Daiso!! Isn't that the funnest thing to do EVAR?! Always $2. Nicee. I got a mug for June camp, some design to cover up the hole in my pants, and a letter-writing set of some papers and envelopes with the Eiffel Tower design. :DDD It was so much fun shopping with Haiqal and Daiyana and Anis. You know, bonding time. Teehee.

After that, we went to the playground. We wanted to play Haunted House but we just didn't have the mood so we just bersembang on the playground thingy. And talked about stuff. Haiqal should pay attention to his studies. It's scaring me.

I love my cousins. It was a very fun sleepover even though it was too short. :)

.......

I was quite In A Mood, wasn't I? Ah, dammit. :( I still can't believe the f-word is there. :D

But honestly, the weekend wasn't too bad.:) I'm at Nyai's house now. I had a sleeppover here from yesterday after the kenduri for arwah Yai(WHICH I MISSED BECAUSE OF OA). Uh, let's start from scratch...

On Friday, I was getting so pissed that the bloody printer wouldn't print my OA notes just because the Cyan ink cartridge was empty. I don't even need the bleeding blue colour. I just need black. Which was full. Yet it wouldn't print. Dammit. And I got pissed. And very pissed. And suddenly I was emoing. And then I felt unloved. Then I cried. And emoed. And cied some more. And lashed out at Xuan Yi on MSN. Damn, I am so sorry. :(

Then on Saturday, for the OA thing, I forgot to bring cutlery, had no notes, came almost late...again. And I was just emoing somemore there. And uh...yeah. Lebih-lebih lagi kerana si dia ada situ.

But I hated the outdoor cooking. The fire just refused to light up and from now onwards, I hate instant noodles. URGH. Bleh. URGH URGH URGH URGH. Until we had to But the day got better and well... It was fun, I guess. play a vege-eating contest just to finish it. Unfortunately, Nicci seemed The food was.......uh.....uh. But the vege. OMG. URGH. PLAIN to always win until Jan conquered her. Muahaha. And uh, yeah.

When I got to Nyai's house, there were so many people. Too many. Sigh. In my dirty SCRCY shirt and track pants, I don't think I quite fitted in. But whatever. Salam, salam, salam, went to the guest room(wah air-con!!) and saw Haiqal Daiyana Anis Arinah Shireen Adani Aryan and then I smiled. Blah blah blah blah blah. Then after the whole event the adults stayed back to discuss the problem. :( Damn that bitch to the deepest pits of hell. DAMN HER!!!!!!! I HATE HER MORE THAN DRIMA! Stupid bitch can't even see that SHE'S the problem, and not Aunty Za or Haiqal, Daiyana and Arinah. But you know what? Sigh. I won't judge. Whatever.

Then we OMG, we slept so late, like at 3 am. We were watching RWJ vids even though it was not quite appropiate for the 3 little kids. :D And it was so COLD. I had a very hole-y blanket and was sleeping under the air-con on the mattress on the floor with 3 people squeezed on it. Un-comfy.

But ANYWAY. We had lotsa fun! We're going to Macdonald's soon with Aunty Julia and Uncle Andy. Yay! :)

you dont get it do you

who do you think i am? some kind of entertainer? huh? and you can just like my status any freaking time you feel like it? shut up. its not abt any freaking bloody june hols hw im talking abt, k? that is clearly manageable as it is only the first wk of hols anyway. and hw is always important to ensure that we do some revision. so stop thinking that it is. i just. i just want some words. sth along the lines of 'hey, you ok?' or sth liddat. not just a bloody notification saying 'blahblahblah likes your status'.

all im saying is, im sick of having the world prove that i am just a bloody nobody. get lost, life. just go away. GO AWAY.

somehow, im saying that just to see who would care enough to actually come and show me that they care.

bloody hell. like as if that will happen.

ha. im a stupid entertainer whose statuses get liked whenerver the liker feels like it.

Huh

The printer is pathetic. This blog is pathetic. This life is pathetic. I am pathetic. You are pathetic. everyone of them is pathetic. my hormones are pathetic. the tagboard is pathetic. oa is pathetic. GMH is fucking pathetic. people who like statuses but dont do anything else are pathetic. deaths are pathetic. crying is pathetic. fake friends are pathetic. my shoes are pathetic. sisters are pathetic. msn is pathetic. facebook is pathetic. my phone is pathetic. being human is pathetic. i dont give a fucking damn anymore, k? so just leave me alone. leave me alone unless you're gonna do something about it and not let me float around lost. just go away and prove that i have no friends so i wont get stranded in the end.

You know what?

I was/am right. No one cares. And I bet nobody will bother to do anything. It just sucks to be me. It just sucks.

Shut up

I feel unloved. Why won't you at least say thanks? It was very hard to type all that out considering the keypad is damn small, k?

And nobody replies.

So just shut up.

You know what this means? I am gonna get it soon.

NO WAY AM I EATING JELLY AGAIN

I think I'd rather stick to Marigold chocolate pudding.

'Cause I just ate the most disgusting horrible jelly in the world. Urgh. It was too sweet and I think they used artificial flavouring. URGH URGH URGH. Left a sickly aftermath taste on my tongue. Ee-yuck.

And it SPILLED onto me. Meaning it was runny. I know that most jellies tend to be a little runny, but this one was too much. Eewwwww....

Shall go and pacify my tongue with some yummy decent lemon honey Hacks.

Well, look on the bright side! At least Tètè(my lil bro Aryan) enjoyed it!

Sigh :'(

Just searched scrcy in youtube(it's called boredom) and then "Red Cross Com Video Final '09" came up. And even though I'd watched it lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of times, I just decided to watch it again.

And the part where Amanda Soo sort of reminsces, it's just so... sad(?). Because it shows those times when the ex-NCOs were there, and when the current NCOs were sec 3s, and you know. :(

Now, the NCOs are passing out. Sec 3s are becoming NCOs. We are becoming Sec 3s.

I'm just not ready.

iPhobia

GAH! Why is it so freaking DIFFICULT to get the latest iPhone price huh?! Papa says it is around $300 to $500, one site says it is around $1000(?!) and the other one says it costs $0.00(?!?!). Then, I gave up. Sigh. I don't wanna spend all that saved up money. :( Also, I do not know how much there is in there because it's the kind that can be opened only using a can-opener. But it's pretty heavy. Yep. And there must be at least $50 in there or I'd be so mad.

I think I just want the iPhone 3G one. Not 3GS. But. Maybe I want the 3GS. But that would be costly and so ex. :L

I just want a freaking iPhone. But the latest model would be cool, yes?

Siiiigh. I just want the feeling of being rich. Having an iPhone would change that fact looking at how much I need to fork out. -.-

OMG

Anis friend Angelicka is here... It's awkward k? I'm so not sociable... What to do? Sigh. -.-

Lalalalalalalalala......

Dammit. Not working... :(

Ooh

Skarey.

Why?

Is it that only when we face difficulty do we seek help from God? I mean, usually, we only turn to Him when we desperately need Him. But do not bother when we are in periods of peace.

When in fact, everyday is a miracle and is full of blessings. Hidden or apparent. Therefore, in my opinion, we should think of God always and not only in times of hardship. This is because we should be thankful to God for letting each day happen. Actually, everything has a positive side. Really.

.........

I know I'm rambling on and on with the content being very scattered. But I'm just trying to say that God is....great. He gives us a balance of good times and bad. He gives us hardships to allow us to do the best we can thus allowing us to get a lot of pahala. Meaning, times of hardships are chances which He gives us to do good deeds. :0000

-enlightenment-

And good times are for us to simply enjoy.

Hmm... I think I still have a lot to think about on this matter. And I'll need plenty if time to organize all this information. But in short, I love Allah.

Today was beautiful

In my opinion, it was the exact definition of holiday.

What can I say about today? There's too much to say so I won't waste energy trying to elaborate on the wonderfulness of today.

(Even if it ended with sore legs and sleepy eyes.)

Sincere thanks to all of you who made this day possible. <3

Alhamdulillah.

/:)

Looking at my old blog which had around 10 long posts. I mean, those were from P6 nearing the PSLE so I obviously dumped it sooner or later. But Haiqal and Daiyana and Aunty Za all commented and you know, that was then. Good times, eh, good times. But my posts were so unbelievably FAKE. All about PSLE preparation and PSLE oral only and nothing else. Siigh. No emotions or whatever. At least this one's...alive and insightful(?).

Siiigh. Honestly, those WERE good times. :) Yeahhh... And it was pink too! Heh. Totally random and uncalled for. X)

You know, when I was P6, still kinda... innocent. I mean puberty hadn't started.... Eeyer! What the hell?! I did NOT just say that. But it's TRUE so. Uh.

What the shit.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that my P6 years were very... simple and not too complicated, like now. You know what I mean? -reminisces- But I am thankful that at least my problems are also to do with friendship and that is good because it means I am not a loner. (...........)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Well. I think I'll just put the link here even though no one bothers but I care and I want some part of the primary school me to be on this blog which covers my secondary school life. Voilà.

http://chamomile830.multiply.com/

Yep. When chamomile was my favourite flower. Sorry but I think I'll continue sticking with lavender for a long time. But there! 830 will remain favourite number combo for life! August 30 what. Ha. Randomming here. :P

ROFLMFAO

OMG notalwaysright.com is so hilarious! I think I'm kind of addicted to it. 331 PAGES mind you. That will 100% last the holidays. Or even more. :DDD

It's the kind of stuff that makes you go WTH?! or OMG THIS IS SO RETARDED! or IS THIS GUY DUMB OR WHUT?! and stuff. Basically, it just shows how idiotic humans can be. C: THANKS AHLEESAR/LYSSY!

I can't help it! My hair is too pretty today! ^^ It's just co-operating and stuff and it's so straight and smooth and fragrant and unentangled. You know? Yeah.

Took a quiz from colourquiz.com

Existing situation: Very emotional and artistic, enjoys being surrounded by beauty and art. Looking for a partner who always has an eye for beauty and who enjoys close, loving relationships.

Stress sources: Not a team player and is unwilling to be involved in most activities. In the past she was over involved and now emotionally drained. Due to her fear of over involvement, she now chooses to remain uninvolved with the activities around her.

Restrained characteristics: Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence.
Feels as if too many walls and obstacles are standing in her way and that she is being forced to make compromises. She needs to put her own needs on hold for the time being.

Desired objective: Longs for a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and fanatisizes of living in perfect harmony with others. Has a strong desire for tenderness and affection and enjoys things which are artistically pleasing to the eye.

Actual Problem: Fears others will try to hold her back from achieving her goals and the things she wants. Puts on the charm and can be manipulative towards others hoping she can get them to do as she wishes and making it easier for her to reach her own goals.

Huh... Actually pretty accurate...

Saturday

Siigh. This Saturday is gonna be super busy. First there'll be OA Accred (:000000000000) which reminds me, I need to go and study. And then after that there would be kenduri for Yai. Then hopefully, I can go sleepover at Nyai's house until Sunday! :D With Shireen, and maybe Haiqal and Daiyana and Arinah, provided they even come at the first place.

With the stupid situation the family is in, the future is unknown. Wak Min is being damn STUPID. Hello?! How can you do this to your own FAMILY?! Sigh never mind. Private family matters. That are retarded.

:)

Well I supposed today was rather eventful. And haha. Now I'm stalking some people i won'tsaywhobutclues:levelmates with my sister. I mean, she chooses a person from the list. Yay. Fun. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Great. Now she says that she wants to sleep. Haiz. -.-

Weell

Today is a special day. One, it's Aryan's birthday (don't know if he's aware of it -.-). Secondly, well, uh, it's the first anniversary of Yai's death. Mmm.. He was the closest grandparent I had I guess? And he just HAD to go first. Life's unfair. :( And well, it's because of cancer. Yeah. Well I remembered one distinct thing from that day. At the graveyard, it was so hot. And I didn't cry because 1) I was already having a super bad headache from not having a proper meal the whole day and it was late afternoon by that time, so if I cried, there was a possibility of fainting and 2) I cried a lot already anyway.

Hmm... I wanted to be super emo about this but then... That would make me seem...like that. You know? No? Never mind.

And I supposed before the death, I was already preparing for it. Like, sometimes in the bathroom while showering I would..break down. I knew he did not have much time left. So I wasn't that shaken/broken on the day itself. Sigh.

He taught be the colours of the rainbow, you know? I won't use that ROY.G.BIV. shit they use. I'll stick with Richard Of York Gained Britain In Vain. Never forgot that. Oh, and how he always jokes and plays with us. /:) And that thumb magic trick from when I was 4 or 5. And the Princess & The Key story. And you know, just him.

3 months. 3 months was what it took for cancer to claim him. In three months, I saw him waste away. Each Saturday, when we came to visit, he seemed weaker and weaker. The strong voice became a meer hoarse whisper. The big-sized body became all skin and bones. Bed-ridden. He couldn't even look up. Well, he could, but it took a lot of effort. Too much effort. But he did it, anyway, for the sake of us. I never knew the pain he felt. What does cancer feel like? Does it feel like the flu? A headache, a burning sensation? Or is it much more worse? I don't know. I don't ever want to. And yet..sometimes I do want to know how it feels like. Sometimes I wished I had cancer. So I could empathise with him.

He got cancer from smoking. But when I was born, he stopped. For me. For the first grandchild. And for the ones following. Just proved to show how much he loved us. And on Mother's Day 2009, we gathered there. Had a lovely heart-shaped chocolate cake. Mama told me to feed him the cake. She said, "He wouldn't eat if you weren't the one feeding him." See, he wanted us to be happy. So he ate. Even though chocolate cake isn't what he would eat.

63 is considered young, by the way.

Yep, getting emo. But he really was and still is the best grandpa in the world. Yeah, Yai. I love you and I miss you so much. And I will always always always remember you as the funnest most jovial Yai I ever had. I hope your grave will be spacious and bright. <3