they could never shut us down

Whenever the boys are in public:



Accurate gifs are accurate.
butletmetellyoufirstibettheywillinglykisswhenevertheycan

take you anywhere that you like

Oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh.
I am starting to get da jitters now.
:'(

But hm.
Let's see.
It's just natural that I would get into a school with a 1D song in their promo vid, right?
Ahahaha.
This is destiny.
And it is fate for me to get my 2nd choice all the time like what happened for secondary school posting.

Oh god I am actually quite terrified suddenly.
Yeah.
Really terrified.
No amounts of fanfic reading can soothe me now.

just under the upper hand

Oh god I've never felt more demoralized.
How on earth do I get to Victoria.
For hours I've been vainly scouring the damn directories which are of NO HELP whatsoever, and bus routes are hellish.
I have to change MRT lines a bit, and that's fine, really, but I am hopeless with buses, and now I am to determine the necessary bus changes and this must be the most challenging thing I've had to do in weeks.
There are no straight routes.
NO, just...no.
:'(
I just want to go to school like normal people, why is this so difficult!
Are you bent on keeping me away?
Omgusgddikuagiu.
:(

Alright done with my childish direction rant.
And time to pretend I'm some bloody explorer or something.

horses gallop to her throne

Oh god.
How brilliant.
If Take Care was a book/musical/play/idk Channel Orange is a movie.
It is brilliant, really it is.

but if you let me

Today I only want to read this book and my fanfictions.
Maybe I'll listen to Frank Ocean too, while writing paraghraphs again.
(Because I really haven't played Channel Orange yet.)
Hey, maybe I'll do something unconventional and rip the cd and sync it to my phone and have my maiden listen on it instead of on the laptop.
That would be breaking tradition, yeah, but the phone's worth it.
(Really the only reason I ripped all my albums onto the computer.
But I deleted them from the music library after, of course.)
Hm.
That would be a lovely way to spend the afternoon, I think.

Anyway, the days are getting unbearably hotter.
What a perfectly horrid way to start the school term!

you know I'm okay

Literally me today, since I took half a day to coax me out of bed.
Also am revisiting Take Care so presently this girl is racked over with Drake feels.

nothing but a one-man cult

Man, I'm bummed.
School starts in a few days and.
Damn.

Well I thought I'd have a lot to write and I thought it would easily pour out but I guess not.

I have gotten quite used to this life, for it so lovely and slow and somewhat idyllic.
I've spent my days reading and writing and listening and reading.
If there is anything I've discovered about myself over these lazy months, it is that I fall in love so easily with books and words.
Which really does explain why libraries are dangerous - I can leave with unplanned stacks of books.
(I do not think I can be one to say I have not just borrowed seven books all at once in a fit of madness.)
But books.
I mean.
Books.
Does anything sound better?
(No.)
I'd rather have endless supplies of books in favour of endless supplies of cash.
And I think I'd be that one quirky person in the library you'll see rambling down aisles of bookshelves with a hand out lovingly caressing every book as she passes.
Quirky, but nice.

I've also started to write all those beautiful paragraphs I find in books and fics in this most beautiful book I've gotten.
Best. Idea. I've. Ever. Had.
I've put in those ocean sequence snippets, too and finally, I feel some sort of sated feeling.
Nothing like feeling the words come into physical existence from your pen and wow, the weight is now permanent in that book and no longer on your mind and wow.
It feels so good you don't even know.

I've been acquainting myself with albums by Ed Sheeran and One Direction (both UAL and TMH yeah I know right srsly what so much so that I can actually differentiate their voices right now ikr what srsly yeah woah) and soon I will too with Frank Ocean's.
YAY.
YES I have Channel Orange now I feel quite at peace.
I haven't listened to it yet, though; it is not the right time yet.
Tomorrow night, maybe, when conditions are just right.

I think I'll miss the long nights the most when school comes into full swing and they become obsolete.
Nights are best for being alone and doing things you want to do without interruptions or having to deal with people and their caprices.
Really, that's the only reason I've been staying up so late every night.
You do what you want, and no one can tell you off because they're all asleep.
And I really, genuinely think I can live alone.

I've also been crying a lot, especially for things of such wonderfully amazing beauty because ya know, pent up emotions and the drear necessity of having to contain love for such beautiful things.
I don't know why but it really feels good.
Like that time when I was at the mosque that day and one of the ustaz couldn't be there for one of the lessons (I think they're called lessons I really dk) and a young boy took his place.
Young as in he-hasnt-even-broken-his-voice young.
Keep in mind that this is an official event in the Sultan Mosque on the famous Arab Street, with hundreds of people of all ages present.
And I mean.
He's not even a teenager and god.
His name is Harith, and he makes me cry because he just does.
Bless his soul, really.
He's even done the azan once and his voice is so beautiful and melodious and it's the azan fgs it requires training to perfect it and he already has and he hasn't reached puberty and I'm just me and he's just so..wow.
Another time I cried too was when I was watching a video of a lady I don't even know announcing the gender of her unborn baby.
I mean.
I am just so happy for her and.
And she is so happy and she's got the second little boy she's always wanted now and.
Life is so beautiful really.

Can't.
I really can't oh god.
:'(
:')

But a sad reason for my tears would be that Harry and Louis aren't allowed to look at each other for an extended period of time in public did you know that?
Louis had also just gotten a sparrow tattoo tell me how many couple tattoos do they have to have before people stop thinking it's a coincidence and start seeing that they are really in a relationship right now smdh.

Still can't oh god crying just..crying.
But sometimes it feels good to cry so I don't mind.

Okay it's 12am now I meant to sleep earlier to accustom myself to early hours again but oh well.
I guess I'll just sleep now.
Goodnight to you too.

falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

Somehow I suppose I'd managed to convince myself that listening to Kiss Me before bed and looking through my Larry folder while at it is a good idea.
Well it's not, and guess who's in tears.
Yet again.

running on my mind boy, forrest gump

Yup Archive of Our Own definitely has the best fics.

Idk how they do it but I fall in love with every fic on there and not even a single sentence has passed.

Then I go the tumblr fics and I want to keel over and laugh and die because their fics are ridiculous.

And yet I still read some of them.

can't tell you the truth about my disguise

Well I suppose in time to come you will be faced with many..um.
Sad 1D posts.
I think.
I know, I know, it is so terrible that presently my happiness is dependent on...this but tbh I can't do anything else right now.
You have no idea how easily you can get sucked into this.
And anyway, I just find it all fascinating.
There's a lot of things this band is hiding, a lot of secrets and conspiracies.
I guess that's what had pulled me in.
There're some things hidden, and if you dare to broach the depth, you'll see what.
It's so fatally intriguing.


This is the infamous Wellington moment.
I don't know what else you can infer from this besides the (very, very obvious) fact that Louis is going in for a kiss (and he doesn't hesitate to, because it's a day off or something, and they're just lounging in a bar), and Harry has just managed to stop him from doing so, just in time because there are paps and cameras recording this fgs, and so he quickly twists him around to show him and Louis realises and oh.
I think this is the only proof we'll need, yeah?
But wait, let me try to see it from a they-are-only-friends pov.
1. Louis walks up to Harry and gets very, very close.
Okay, maybe he wants to tell Harry something, that is all.
2. Harry spins him around to face the cameras.
Hey wait, why would Harry need to do this if Louis just wants to tell him something idgi?
3. Louis gets spun and cocks his head to bare his neck.
Umm. Ummmm? I can't it really looks like he's expecting a kiss there.
4. Harry has an arm around Louis all the while.
I really can't look at this and think platonic no just no.
I guess I couldn't see it from a they-are-only-friends pov after all?
And really, why would a need for all of that ^ arise if Louis just wants to tell Harry something friendly.

I am addicted to Unblock Me, maybe that's the only eventful thing that's happening in my life nowadays beside this whole thing.
And I gave up with The Catcher in the Rye.
I am hopeless, god.
I hoard so many books it makes me guilty.

Also let's just finish this with a Harry Styles appreciation session.

What a cupcake kitten.
[This is also highly reminiscent of that moment when Finn revealed his epicly beautiful golden hair, sigh.

Right in those goddamn feels.
It's like they both just shot you with so much beauty and just asdfghjkl.]

do you think this is a damn game, styles.

It's hard being a Louis/Harry girl AND a Larry shipper at the same time.
Idek how it happens.
How does anyone decide between wanting to kiss them and wanting them to kiss each other.
?????

The end.
Now let's hope I don't start writing and thinking about more crap.
I really need a notebook.

i'll be your safety

Well I've just woken up and, oh.
Of course Harry & Louis are in love, as they always had been and always will be because they are soulmates, for goodness' sake!
Soulmates are undeniable, and they are forever.
They've found each other, and they're happy.
And of course their love is real - it's right there for everyone to see.
You just have to pay attention.
I'd be damned if I forget all this.

no lucky charms

Oh, I'm sorry.
I just.
:(
Dear God.
And funny thing is, I don't even have anything to be sad about right now so I really dk what's up with me.
It just...broke?? I guess?

if we ever, ever meet again

Oh no, I am definitely delirious at this point.
Elounor pictures have surfaced, Haylor's starting to make sense.
God no, I can't.
Not. Jumping. Ship.
No, just..no.
I think I need to sleep it off now.
NOW and when I wake up tomorrow everything will be right again and I won't be so messed up.
I can't have myself think Larry's not real because that's 3 years of affection we're looking at.
This sudden imbalance is just me being inexplicably vulnerable to change-of-hearts and I need to see sense.

cover me up, cuddle me in

I remember the first time I heard Kiss Me.
It's a Larry anthem, and that's definite.
(Ed outed them on stage at least twice before, of that I'm sure.)
Still crying.

this freefall's got me so

Oh.
Oh.
Um.
Well.
I really am crying now.
Why.
I guess it got too much.


like he was the whole world.

So do you come here much?
I gotta see your face some more.

Oh god no, I suppose I'll need help.
What have you done to me.
It's been 15 minutes and I really still can't stop.
Crying, that is.

Have you ever cried because perfect boyfriends?
No?
Oh.
Um.
Well.

A little bit of sweet turning sour:


i.

They have a car accident in 2020.


ii. instrumental

The asphalt is still hot when they stumble towards each other, laughing hysterically. They fall into each other's arms, and Louis splays his palms on Harry's back, holding him close. He presses Harry against his chest and it's like holding wind, the way he's so frail, ready to slip through his fingers.

"You're alive," he says. His voice breaks as he cards frantic fingers through Harry's hair, checking for blood. "I love you," he says, kissing Harry messily, thumbs stroking his cheekbones. "I love you, I love you -"

They escape from the smoke and the sirens and catch a cab as soon as the paramedics let them out of their sight. The driver raises an eyebrow at their state but doesn't turn them away. The ride back to the apartment goes by in a daze. Louis is watching the road, holding Harry's clammy hand against the fake leather. Harry’s knuckles feel naked; Louis wonders why he never bought him a ring. He blinks at the road signs, trying to remember what the yellow triangle means. Maybe he has a concussion.

The road blurring under the car makes him think of the things they said they'd do some day and could have missed. There's climbing the Kilimanjaro and watching the clouds below, clinging to the rocks; resting their elbows on the railing of the Eiffel tower and sneaking glances at the city sprawling before them between kisses, a parisienne in a fur coat lounging in a corner; backpacking through the Andes, soles stained with matted brown-red dust. Their dreams have no fear of heights; now there's no time to lose.

Their elbows knock as they kiss again, and Louis takes Harry's face in his hands, kisses his eyelashes, his cheekbones, his throat, trying to make red bloom again on his skin.

"You're alive," he says, dusting his prayers on Harry's skin. He's building him an armor.

Louis doesn't check himself, lets the words melt on his tongue, mix as they drip on Harry's skin like wax. Harry doesn't say anything, his long body still shaking quietly, torn between relief and fear. Louis spreads Harry out on the bed and pulls him upright. Harry hangs in the dust-covered light, his hair lit up.

Harry is feather-light that day, the day they almost died. When he rides Louis and throws his head back, long neck bared, Louis closes his fingers around his hips. It's not a day that makes him want to mark, and yet Harry feels so air-thin in the embrace that Louis digs his fingers into the flesh just to check that he's really there.

The curtains flap at the windows, swelling like pregnant Scarlett O'Haras when the wind hits them from behind, playing hide and seek in their heavy folds. Louis listens as Harry's moans fill the room and wonders why he never realized how lucky they were.

"Never go," Louis says against Harry's lips. Harry doesn't answer. He doesn't mind his silence; it's his absence he couldn't bear.

Later, when they fall entangled on the pillows, the rain outside is like an Indian monsoon. They don't say anything. They don't need to.

what I get for wishful thinking

Ahhhh that was so endearing.
One small, tiny content smile.

we end our day up on the roof

Well.
At least I had a good day on tumblr.
Or night.
Idk.

If My Boyfriend Was Tinier Than Me









shine bright like harry styles when louis breathes.

sew wings on tailored suits

Agh inexplicably sad.

Maybe because I don't have Channel Orange with me.

Mmmm. :(

Today I went out with my cousin Husna - hurray!

We sat at Starbucks for around 2 hours and talked about fun things and then we went back to her place with Anis.

It was really, really nice.

(I know it doesn't sound nice at all, though, but you see, I feel quite inexplicably sad so I can't find it in me to do anything justice save my inexplicable sadness.)

She told me about Forrest Gump and who he is, so now I know.

I need ocean sequence to be updated now lest I fall into a deep, deep depression.

It's..not even a joke or a hyperbole here..

Frank Ocean, if anything (what but he IS something), is probably the ghetto black Ed Sheeran.

He's real, and there is nothing I appreciate more than realness in artistes.

He is so, so inspirational and.

Ugh.

I love this guy, I really do.

I love how his music is so stripped, so sincere, so thoughtful and.

And I respect him so much for coming out and opening up about his sexuality and.

Sometimes he writes and sings about men, too, and he's unafraid.

He has his stories, his own mysteries, and I love this getting-to-know-Frank; Frank who is different, Frank who is more-than-meets-the-eye, Frank who is human.

Frank Ocean I am in love with you and your music and your everything.

I still feel so sad.

I really, really, really need ocean sequence to be updated but I have this queer feeling that the next part of the sequence will only be revealed 3 months later.

Oh god no, I don't think I can last that long.

too many bottles of this wine we cant pronounce

too many bowls of that green, no lucky charms

the maids come around too much

parents aint around enough

too many joyrides in daddys jaguar

too many white lies and white lines

super rich kids with nothing but loose ends

super rich kids with nothing but fake friends.

I love ocean sequence - I love it, I love it, I love it.

(Just imagine this: The most engaging, intense, wonderful story you've had the pleasure of reading, cut off halfway, and you are told to wait for the next chapter and you have no idea when the next chapter DOES come.

Imagine the sudden nothingness that descends.

Imagine settling for numerous re-reads of previous chapters.

Imagine having to write your most favourite scenes out by hand to feel content.

You feel me?)

the words you whispered I will always believe

Okay really who's reading this blog at 2am in the morning?
That 1 view is definitely not me even though I read my own blog a lot ahahah.

baby say yeah, yeah, yeah

this is so perfect right now

1. larry looking at each other like they always do because theyre in love.

2. look theres captain niall just casually SAILING THIS SHIP.

3. ziam ziam ziam ziam ziam look guys its ziam in progress yes yes yes god.

(4. bonus point louis stands like the man he is yeah even though hes really really pretty wow ikr thats a man in charge there and harry your submissive stance is lethal plus you cook idk someone tell me why ppl think hes straight again??)

??!??!?!!!

okay i dont get it makes no sense to me either this was supposed to stop at the last post but I GUESS NOT.

cant deal cant just cant even.

nope nope just nopE.

mnot okay.

dnt touch me.

and it hurts

no you don't get it larry height difference okay.
okay?okay.
because during the x factor days 2.5 years ago they were at the same height aka eye level and then suddenly harry started growing and growing and growing and he didnt stop and now louis probably has to tiptoe to kiss him and harry probably has to lean down to put his head on louis' shoulder and harry is 18 louis is 21 and harrys becoming a giant and louis is nOT GROWINGGGG?????/ how does that compute idek louis' just that poor tiny boyfriend im crying tears of blood?
yeah but funny thing is louis being the dom bastard he is can STILL MAKE HARRY LOOK UP TO HIM idk how he does it he just does i guess good on you louis brb swallowing glass oh you hear that its the sound of me setting myself on fire i think i dont know im already burnt from all this??
and even when louis' smaller he still feels it necessary to protect harry??
yknow 'cause hes such a protective boyfriend??
so this happens



even though theyre like this??

so nothing going on here just louis protecting his boy on numerous occasions and ME TRYING NOT TO DIE its also worse when you remember louis' been doing this even when theyre the same height and no just nO.

look just look i mean LOOK what srsly stop it i cant handle this.
oh no i cant do this anymore i cant deal you dont get it ok byE.
plus ive been typing this without using georgia font while at it thats saying something also i am overwhemed and no spaces and i hope i didnt kill you with my language but this is what i call feels language you shld try it someday its fun its like your mind going bullet train.

and if you only knew

no just nO.
you shld be illegAL.

she's not afraid of scary movies

Omg 4/5 of One Direction are taken..by each other...ahh I can't deal nope I can't okay stop it major feels rn okay okay okay ugh saddest life.

might miss everything you said to me

Okay but really Take Me Home I'm in that cannot-stop-listening-to-it stage.
Ugh omg help I can't even save me pls srsly not kidding here dying.

r-o-c-k me again

Harry's and Louis' voices omg ugh.
TMH album I am O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D.

foolishly, completely falling

And we all think we know what love is.

till it turns from colour to black-and-white

yes of course, I remember, how could I forget how you feel?

you know you were my first time, a new feel.

leave the meter running

I need Frank Ocean's Channel Orange.
I certainly, most definitely do.

my eyes don't shed tears but boy, they pour

pensive

and

desirous

and

vivacious.

Don't touch me.

it's a bad religion

I must be wary and cautious here..I must-
I need to-
to prevent myself from slipping and..and..not..perish..and..

oceansequenceoceansequenceoceansequenceoceansequence
in which there are
liamandzayn
and
zaynandharry
and
harryandlouis
and beautiful, beautiful words such as
aurous
and
verdant
and
opalescent.

Read it.
Do.
Even if you know nothing of them.
wildefiree.livejournal.com
Start with the earliest posts and move up.
Everyone deserves beauty.

lend you broken parts that might fit

Why thank you, Ed, with your life-ruining lyrics and song-writing.

Oh God.
Of course.
But, of course.
If I can't consume the words, the only other option is to have them consume me.
Why have I never thought of that.
It's brilliant.

darling, i'm going to pluck you like a cherry

What am I to do when words are put together so prettily it is a disgrace if they go uneaten and undevoured?

arrival of the birds

Well well well.
ocean sequence, you have nicely dethroned Happy Thoughts.
Very pretty.
ugh.

with the freckles on your cheeks

hearts are a wondrous thing. they’re strong.

highly-resistant to fatigue, restless in its work. it symbolizes life more than any other anatomy (the brain or the lungs) because it’s blood and tissue and valve and because just like life: it goes on.

makes sense that we would love with it as well. for once you start loving someone, parts of them start to replace the role of your vital organs. you stop thinking about it in terms of ventricular and aortic and your heart stops pumping hemoglobin; it pumps lavender, ink, and a voice (it pumps a name).

heartbreak does not occur easily; in fact, it’s safe to say it doesn’t occur at all. the heart is a muscle trained to withstand enormous amounts of pressure, fortified by a cage of bones. a heart can strain or murmur or drown, it can become infected or lose it’s beat. it’s fickle; sometimes it’s too small or sometimes too large; it can explode. but a heart does not break.

it corrodes.

yellow lamborghini

My feet are cold.

feels like snow in September

It is very chilly today; I slept and rose to the sound of steady rain, which is very good, I guess.
I think I am still gushing over the writing style of ocean sequence.
God, it's good.
It is like looking through a scrapbook, with the scattered quotes, timelines, short excerpts of Cummings and T. S. Eliot.
It is like flipping through a book or a diary of some sort, filled with pages of cut-out news articles and brochures, and music recommendations.
On this page here, this is when the infidelity is brought up.
Listen to chopin’s nocturne opus 9 no. 2 as you walk yourself down these paragraphs.
On the next, it is the Butterfly Dream, and emotions are colours.
It is a dreamer's dream.

Quirky, that's what it is.
Quirky and haunting.
(As haunting as sweet turning sour, which I can very much appreciate.)
It is an uncut diamond - it's hard to find fics like this one nowadays.
It is like wandering through a flea market and finding it tucked away at a corner stall.

It's good, God, it really is.
Infidelity, really.
I've never been one for angst, but this is good angst.

I just want to cradle the whole virtual work against my chest and have it never end or the reading of it finished.

This is how ocean sequence: it's bad religion, to be in love with someone ends:

now let’s go back to the beginning.

suppose that people live forever.

the population of the world splits into two, interestingly: the laters and the nows.

the nows and laters have one thing in common. with infinite life come an infinite list of relatives. generations never die, all alive and offering advice. sons never escape from the shadows of their father. no one ever comes into his own.

when a man makes a decision, he feels compelled to talk it over with his parents and grandparents and great-grandparents, ad infinitum, to learn from their errors.

where every action must be verified a million times, life is tentative.

bridges thrust halfway over bodies of water and then abruptly stop. buildings rise nine stories high but have no roofs. the grocer’s inventory of crisps, salt, cod, and beef change with every change of mind, every consultation.

sentences go unfinis –

engagements end just days before weddings. and on the boulevards, people turn their heads and peer behind their backs to see who might be watching.

such is the cost of immortality. no person is whole. no person is free. neither a later or a now.

over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. in death, a man is free of the weight of the past. these few souls dive into lake constance or hurl themselves from monte lema, ending their infinite lives.

in this way, the finite has conquered the infinite, millions of autumns have yielded to no autumns, millions of snowfalls have yielded to no snowfalls, millions of lovers have yielded to none.

lovers make history: here are the blankets, layer on layer, down and down.

There is a lot of reference to Einstein's Dreams of course, but it is very clever still.
(No, I have not read Einstein's Dreams; yes, I will soon.)

our little secret

Good God.
I..I think I've just stumbled upon my next favourite writer.
I love the plot, I love the style, the characters, I love the writing and.
Oh, the writing; the purposeful use of zero capitals, the infusion of occasional technicalities, the metaphors, the similes.
Even the titles of each pov are snipped from Frank Ocean songs.
(Liam's is it's a bad religion, to be in love with someone, Louis gets super rich kids with nothing but loose ends, and Zayn has running on my mind boy, forrest gump.)

She is clever, she can't possibly be anything else.
She is clever, and graceful, and full of thought.

It must be so apt how it is raining as I read ocean sequence, or the first part of it anyway.
(Liam's part, that is.)
Rain is always a good sign.
(I forgot how to spell "sign" for a few seconds there, just saying.)

This is how ocean sequence starts:

you’re my religion. you’re all i’ve got.

- a farewell to arms, ernest hemingway

--

suppose that people live forever.

the population of the world splits into two, interestingly: the laters and the nows.

the laters rationalize that there’s no hurry to enroll in university, to learn a second language, to read newton or dostoevsky, to seek promotions in their jobs, to fall in love, to raise a family.

in endless time, all things can be accomplished; thus, all things can wait. time is sweet in infinite amounts, slow and soft and continuously expanding like a galaxy.

after all, hasty actions breed mistakes and good things come to those who wait.

the laters can be recognized strolling in shops and down city promenades. they walk an easy swagger and wear loose-fitting clothes. they talk slow, the letters heavy, and their skin smells like permanent ink.

they take pleasure in reading whatever magazines are open or rearranging the furniture in their homes or slipping into conversations the way a leaf falls from a tree.

the laters sit in cafes sipping coffee or in bars throwing back tequila and discusses the possibilities of life – their eyes are full and filled with stars.

on the other hand, the nows note that with infinite lives, they can do all they can imagine. they will have an infinite number of careers, they will acquire an infinite amount of education, they will change their politics infinitely.

each person will be a lawyer, a carpenter, an accountant, a journalist, a physician, a farmer. the nows are constantly reading new books, studying new trades, new languages.

in order to taste the infinities of life, they begin early and never go slowly.

the nows are easily spotted. they are the owner of cafes, the college professors, the doctors and nurses, the politicians, the people who rock their legs constantly whenever they sit down. they move through a succession of lives tirelessly, eager to miss nothing.

when two nows chance to meet at the hexagonal construct of trafalgar square, they compare the lives they have mastered, exchange information, and glance at their watches.

when two laters meet at the same location, they ponder the future and follow the parabola of the fountain with their nebulous gaze.

liam payne is now. harry styles comes later.

it is important to understand this in the progression of this story.

what a mess I made upon your innocence

It's come to the point where, when I come across het 1D fanfics, I'm just cringing, like.
That's seriously abnormal, and you, dear writer, need help.

the start of something beautiful

Take me back; take me home.
Watch me fall down to earth.

musn't get our feet wet

Sometimes you read things - books, fanfictions, whatever else - and you realise when you're done you need a few minutes, hours, days to recover before you can get to picking up something new to read.
That's when you know that what you've read was truly some good stuff.

diving in too soon

That..was intense.
I am wrecked and ruined and broken.
That was one of the most beautiful fics I've ever read.
It was a deathfic so you can bet your socks I've been sobbing the whole way through.

I don't know why I'd decided to read it (it was a one-shot) in between chapters of TIF.
I think I thought I was a tad too emotionless while reading some parts of TIF.
Well, there was a chapter and it ended quite sadly, so comments that spoke of extreme tearing sessions were abundant, and I suppose it got to me that I wasn't crying myself.
I really do hate it when I can't feel things, sometimes.
I want to feel happiness, or sadness, but I am so unable to that whenever I try, I just end up with detached amusement and incredulous giggles because am I seriously trying to make myself cry?

So I suppose I decided to read the deathfic because I thought it would help me "get sad feels and then I can move along with a couple of tears and the right emotions in hand".
Heck yeah, it did.
A little too much.
The plan bloody backfired, I got more than I bargained for (they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes), and now I am left having to nurse myself (my guts feel assaulted, my heart's hollow, and I can taste salt), simultaneously slowing down and disrupting my progress of the reading of TIF.
Well, great.

Really, though, I think I need some serious time getting over sweet turning sour.
It was a bloody good read, and it hit me in the right places.
Now I don't really know whether to sleep it off, or chug on ahead with one more chapter of TIF, which I think won't feel so good now since sweet turning sour's showed up and my mind's still on it, but not continuing will be bad too, since the last chapter ended so horribly and it leaves such an aftertaste if I leave it hanging.

Or is the aftertaste really from sweet turning sour??
Hmm.

I still don't get why I keep making myself read deathfics when I just know those are what kill me straight off.

Ok.
I think I need to mend my ravaged self with a complete + listen session.
Even though it's 4am.

lookin' like you do

Today I got soap in my eye.
Twice.
In the same eye.
And it happened within two minutes.
Hahahahah.
But srsly.
Ouch.

Started a few chapters of The Catcher in the Rye.
I also made that cake and now my chocolate craving is pleasantly satisfied.
The only way to keep myself off of fanfictions and the Larry tag is to keep my hands busy, I guess.
And my mind.

Anis just came into my room.
She now ships the chair and vice-chair of her class.
She just fangirled.
Over her classmates.
What.

your last first kiss

Should I make some nutella lava cake or should I make some nutella lava cake?
Yeah, I should make some nutella lava cake.

taste pain and regret in your sweat

But Drake and Ziam?
Yes.

Because they both like Drake and Liam loves Kanye and Jay-Z and Chris Brown and let us be friennndddssssss.

we both like vintage shopping

This is pathetic. 
Me having to collect and compose myself now and then whilst reading this fic.
Me rocking myself back and forth on the bed with arms around my knees.
Me groaning and moaning incessantly and wanting to sob because too much fluff ugh omg.
:(

hope you have the time of your life

So I'm just sitting in bed listening to The Boys during intervals between chapters of These Inconvenient Fireworks and I am wondering since when I've known and had the ability to successfully rap the fastest verses of the song way more than the other, normal ones (which, by the way, I do not know the lyrics of. at all.) .

Another stupid, lazy (yester)day.
Spent it reading The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time and I was sufficiently disappointed despite its grand reviews.
I mean, I've read other books with "special needs" protagonists (Flowers For Algernon, Mockingbird, etc) and they were lovely, but this one was so..
I didn't like it.
Maybe I was in the wrong mood, and I think I was in the wrong mood for these kind of reads which begs for sympathy and empathy.
No, nowadays I need something fast-paced and flurried instead of static.
Something dramatic instead of the heightened observance of everyday things.
Passionate instead of passive.
And I think maybe that's why I've been feeling so empty and irked and annoyed with my life.
It is so dull and I am positively hating everything.
(Shout-out to that stupid oxymoron.)
Think dreary-moor scenes like the ones in The Secret Garden.

Or maybe it's just PMS, but that would really just be another bland, insipid cause for such extreme frustration.

these inconvenient fireworks

"Shut your goddamn mouth up."
"Make me."

but bear this in mind, it was meant to be (?)

Where do I go?

If I don't get into NJC I think I'll be fairly heartbroken.

That would mean that my second choice must be concrete.

I feel roots growing in Nanyang, and it does not help much that they offer ELL and MLL (which I might just get into), but my mom absolutely hates that place.

St Andrews is decent too, but I have somehow some reservations.

I have no idea about Catholic, but from what I've heard it's nice enough.

It is unfair that ACJC offers all the subjects I am interested in.

Here it is.

I am stupidly torn between pleasing myself and pleasing others.

Never thought it would happen, but it did.

Great.

Now I know how some of those distraught brides-to-be on Say Yes to the Dress feel like.

the wolf is hungry

OMGGGGGG.
Nothing like reading a good fanfiction for the first time.
I literally have to smash half my face into a pillow to prevent manic squeals and demented grins and laughter.
Sheesh.

It also actually got me to like that 80s band Scorpions - my dad's been trying to get that to even remotely happen for more than ten years so.
Great job!

have i lost my mind.

Sexy hair

Gorgeous smile

He's the most perfect guy I've come across in a while


Sensitive
Real sweet
He even watches Desperate Housewives with me.

My heart's beating like a mini-drum
I told my best friend he's the one
I said I think that I'm in love this time
She told me something that could change my mind.

He likes boys!

Finally now it's all making sense
He likes boys!

I like this guy but he's on the fence
He likes boys!

Can't believe this happened again
He likes boys!

Oh, oh, oh,
Boys.

Oh, oh, oh.

x(

Sue.

Me.


Ye smug, pretty, little, camp bastard.

jealousy the ugliest trait

Hey.
The meaning of what I said just sank in.

If I say I want to be Harry, it's only because he gets to date Louis.
(And kiss him, and listen to him sing every day and be serenaded and laugh at his sassy, idiotic self, and touch his face and be protected by him and be loved by him.)
Hey.

Won't that make me a Louis girl then?
Say what?

smdh.
This shit. is messed. up.

Ugh but Louis is so pretty I can't even.









I see them couple pictures found their way in but that's not the point.
Ugh this pretty, little camp bastard.

Sadness.

all those conversations are the secrets that I keep

Ugh sudden bad mood but I'd like to think it's just PMbloodyS.
(See what I did there? Ahahaha yay me.)

I want to be Harry Styles.

More Than This is now a Ziam anthem.
Can't not be reminded of Ziam.

I love the background instrumental for More Than This and Bedrock ugh gives me jolts in the heart and makes me so emotional.
You can't say Bedrock doesn't make you feel happy and jumpy when you listen to it.

Louis' voice kills me.
He's not the best singer, yeah, but it is so different and unique and it sends shivers tiptoeing up and down my spine.

I just want a day in.
I mean, I've had loads of those but who can ever get enough?
Now I don't feel like doing anything.
I don't even want to read any of my books or fanfictions or whatever.
I feel like just..spacing out.
Listen to some good music and think of nothing.
Lose myself in it, maybe?
Stay up all night in bed and stare at the opposite wall?
Keep on wishing I were Harry?

Damn I am in NO STATE to make important life-changing decisions right now.

heart's beating like a mini drum

SAJC's a nice place.
It's an option now, I suppose.
Hmm. *thinks*
:/
(Hurray for the Nicki reference!)

she got choices she should make - I think she choosing it right now.
Yes, Drake, yes.
Indeed I do.

At least I know for sure I'll go into the Arts stream.

And you're right.
Shipping's odd.
Buuut I know what I ship.
I don't ship if I don't see chemistry.
Have you ever tried shipping The Wanted?
Uhhhhmmmm awkwaaaard.
No, that doesn't happen because there is just no way.
(And they have no romantic chemistry whatsoever.)
One Direction on the other hand...
Hahahah. Ha.
#srslytrustmeihaveperfectgaydar

something in your eye

OOOkay. Okay.
Okay.
Had my first brush with the K-pop fandom on tumblr.
Apparently SHINee has very, very, very, very similar ships to 1D.
As in the band members and their roles and their pairings - they all match up to a T.
How so very fascinating.
But not fascinating enough for me to go exploring, though, thank God for that.

I wonder if I should explain why I ship what I do.
I ship Larry as a romance, because do I even have to elaborate here.
Ziam as a...uh. Hm.
I ship Ziam as a..one-way romance, or an otherwise very frustrating bromance.
(Wow does that even make sense?)
Because Liam wants Zayn only as a best friend, but he can't run away from his feelings.
Zayn, on the other hand, is more overt.
It's complex.
There's a lot of deep, hidden unrequited love and feelings and ugh.
But Ziam is sweltering in fiction.
That is it.
(Larry and Ziam are different in the sense that Larry are just simply perfect soulmates, whereas Ziam is love.)
Zourry and Zouis are whore-ships.
(If..you get what I mean.)
These two ships just kill me.
Everything else, every other ship is a sweet, simple bromance.

Niall can never ever be romantically involved with the rest of the band because it is so painfully obvious he is straight as a ruler and he is just so cute and happy-go-lucky that any bromance with him is sickeningly sweet and merely platonic. (Sorry, Anis.)
Since Liam is most mature, he will be the one with the one steady relationship, so he will only be shipped with Zayn. That is it. No other. Done.
Now, Zayn's not like Liam. I'd like to think he is still this curious mofo fascinated with the Larry dynamics and goes to Louis sometimes. But he is never shipped with Harry romantically or whore-ically because that just doesn't happen.
Harry is practically dependent on Louis. God, he is head over heels in love with him, so Harry will never dare do anything that doesn't please his One True Love. Like Liam, Harry's only shipped with Louis.
Louis is most complex, I think. He treats Niall like a younger brother and Liam as an older one (so he'll be that annoying little kid bro, even though he's the oldest). Zayn's a friend and Harry is his little One True Love as well, so Louis does whatever to protect him. (This kinda explains why Harry is off-limits to everyone else but him.) And does whatever he can to make him happy. Well, he knows what makes Harry happy anyway. And I like to think of Harry in the Larry ship as a little innocent kitten who's in awe of Louis, and does whatever he is told  so he is a very whipped bitch.
Louis controls Zourry.

Told you Harry's off-limits.
(Dude, like, you can't even touch him without an intervention.)

Once again, you deserve awards if you've bothered reading that whole chunk.
It just felt necessary, though.
That is all, the end.

Now I am thinking of the JCs.
I'd like to go to NJC but I have no idea if I would ever be able to cope.
It's like being afraid of feeling regret a month later if I do get in, especially since I know NYJC is a just-right type of school.
Dear me.
But if anything, ACJC is out, definitely out.
And if I do consider AJC, it would be at the very bottom of my choices.
Wish I had seen CJC because it sounds quite rad but hello careless oversleeping.
Sheesh, man.

miles away and yesterday

Woah, still haven't gotten over it.

New stage, new people and life and gosh.

I wonder who I'll be in JC.

Nanyang looks like a lovely place to go to, and now I can't decide between NYJC and NJC.

they don't know about the up-all-nights

I...still can't wrap my head around the being-able-to-say-I'm-a-9-pointer.
It feels good, though.
Makes me smile whenever I think of it.
Feels kinda surreal.
Why am I still awake?
Sheesh, honestly.
Go sleep, you weirdo.
Even though you know for sure now Larry/Lourry's real, you gots to get you some sleep.
x

you get this kind of rush

I guess I won't be crying on Anis' birthday, then.
Yay!
Wow.
Woah.
Thank God.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.

What on earth did I do to get any of those A1s.
I still don't get it.
I expected B4 for English and HML.
HML.
A1.
HML.
A1.
HML.
A1?

What did I do?

It was funny because the slip looked like this:
ONE
TWO
TWO
TWO
ONE
THREE
THREE
THREE
ONE
like a grade sandwich.

But oh, how glad I am.
I suppose I haven't ruined my future after all!
And now I am to go out for a nice, lovely (birthday/happy news) celebration dinner.

Alhamdulillah, thank God.

you just wanna take me home

Books in the day, and fanfictions in the night.
It really does work out well.
Makes me wish I'd discovered this arrangement way earlier.
Archive of Our Own has the best kind of fics (mostly one-shots), and the worst come from the tumblr tags itself, unless you're really lucky.
The best chaptered fics..hmm.
They're on tumblr but not on the tumblr tag, only there by being rec-ed.
And they're hard to find, but The White Toymaker writes so well.
Reading her work is like reading work of a favourite author, like reading classics.
This must be the fourth time I'm reading Happy Thoughts and I haven't yet gotten over it.
And I'd be damned if I keep finding promising fics.
I've already two long chaptered ones and a one-shot, and three more real life books on the waiting list.
God knows how I will get through them all before school starts.
God knows how I get through tomorrow.

you'll never love yourself half as much as I love you

I hope you do not think I am a fool.
I think I am okay with how I am right now.
I think I do not need saving.
I think I can live like this forever, alone and with books.
I think I can live alone.

show me you care

So much to read.!!!
:)
Too much to read.!!!
:(

and let me kiss you

Well well well, if these haven't been the laziest days I've ever spent.

I think there's just something about being (kind of) alone in the house and laying in bed the whole day watching the passing clouds and the green scaffolding of the next-door construction site that flutters and flutters when there's a breeze.

Sigh.

I haven't been thinking much lately.

As in, thinking productive thoughts, the ones I would and could when I was still properly immersed in the academic life.

I've also caught myself walking briskly more.

That, and thinking empty thoughts while at it.

You're right, that's not good news!
That means less of slow strolls wherever I go and much fewer contemplation of things that require contemplating.

On the other hand, the brighter one, I am living such a good life.

I just recently borrowed some brilliant library books - a philosophy one included, so I guess I'm not off of it just yet huh - and I am spending so much day time on my stomach on my bed yay for me.

(Can't blame me, The Help is amazing.)

((Yay for free books too!! Yay because you can't get heartaches in a library looking at books you can't have/read!!))

And the night sees me reading 1D fanfictions on the computer with the night light dimly switched on, and this goes on till way after the lamps outside blink off at 12.15am.

(Ooh I have a funny story of how I know this.

I used to never know when they switch off and it drove me crazy because suddenly I find that outside has turned into complete darkness and I never knew when that happened.

This went on for months even though all through those months I wanted to know how that happened, when it did and how it looks like when it happened.

All I knew was that they switched off around 12am.

I promise you those lights were playing around with me - they always find ways to make me forget to look somehow, even when I made myself sit on my bed facing the windows to wait for them to switch off.

But one lucky night I made myself look long and hard enough and suddenly the world on the other side plunges itself into darkness and oh, that's how it happens.

It was 12.15am and so now I know.

Okay, that really wasn't funny.)

Sigh.

One Direction.

I don't even...

I didn't know I was susceptible to this shit.

I thought I was immune, okay.

I thought being a romantic would keep me in check, remind me that this life with these lovely rose-tinted glasses is exorbitantly better than one of a raging, hormonal teen in love with some boy band, deluded in her own way in thinking that one of them would actually marry her.

I mean, now that I am kind of more acquainted with this, I know that will just never happen (guys who are we kidding here girl you need a reality check).

No, in fact, worse happens.

And all I can do is appease myself with a how-about-they-are-in-love-with-each-other-let-us-all-just-ship-zianourry-and-leave-it-at-that-bloody-point.

1D is not gay, they are just in love with each other.

They are in love with each other.

They are in love with each other.

They are in love with each other and it hurts.

Or maybe I should embrace this.

I...........don't.......know..........because if I do this whole blog will kinda die idk.

And Shot For Me is NOT a Ziall anthem sorry but no one mixes Drake and 1D, that I absolutely refuse, Anis don't drive me madder.

Is this not funny, though?
I am mad that I am starting to like One Direction.

Yeah, it is definitely a very funny notion.

"You need to save me from One Direction."
*gets off phone and resumes listening to Take Me Home*

Round of damn applause, I deserve all the shit awards out there.

never thought it hurt so bad, getting over you

giving me a heart attack, getting over you

i don't even know.

I was just on the Haylor tag on tumblr and I suddenly see the thumbnail of a video dedicated to Justin Bieber and it has a picture of a wrist slashed at least 20 times and there's red, red blood everywhere and the caption reads "if you want your fans to stop cutting, then stop the drug abuse!! cutforbieber cutforbieber cutforbieber cutforbieber......" and my stomach feels so ill right now and I feel like throwing up and why are you even doing this and why is this here I am not supposed to see this and I want to guard my own wrists.
what in the actual fck, yeah.

sinking so deep

I'm so so sorry, but this is truly necessary.

Just in case I grow up and forget what shipping's like.
As if I would.
So prepare for a long, painful, potentially-destructive onslaught.

So lately my life's been weird.
I think maybe it's because I want to be in denial or something, and if you read this you'd think I don't care that results are coming out in a matter of days (days goddamit! and we're talking 1/2/3), but then again, I think you'd know already that this site isn't really for...that kind of stuff.
(No, here is where I put my happy thoughts and musings so I may re-read them again and again for a personal dose of happy.)
And if this doesn't make sense, pardon me because it's presently 12.40am!

I now live a shipper life.
*sigh*
Larry.
Let me tell you first, it's both a source of joy and agony.
(Don't start shipping. Don't. Don't.)
But do I regret this major lifestyle change?
(Yes it's a lifestyle change because I promise you, one day without a dose of your OTP is like death.)
No, I really do not, even if it destroys my social life.
And also, this explains everything.


How so very accurate, no?

Let's go back to what tortures me most.
Welcome to the 1D fandom and its many ships.



Confused? 
Don't be.
I'll help you along. :)

First we look at this.

From left.
Zayn: I like to think he's with Liam, and my sister ships him with Niall, but really he has a girlfriend named Perrie.
Harry: In a secret relationship with Louis William Tomlinson and for the time being with professional beard Taylor Swift because management needs a publicity stunt like now. (They'll be gone in a few months.)
Louis: In a secret relationship with Harry Edward Styles so he has a beard named Eleanor because management wants to cover it up.
Liam: I wish he were with Zayn (sigh) but he has a lovely girlfriend named Danielle.
Niall: In a relationship with food.

With that out of the way, let us wade carefully into these dangerous waters.

Zarry

This is Harry looking like a kitten aww this is too cute ok.

crash.

Ziall














And since this is my sister's OTP, I think I'll need to do it some justice and add another one.
(But who are we kidding right. Ziam has a higher chance of being real than Ziall can ever have psh.)



Niam

It's not as popular as some other ships, but it's still a cute one.

Lilo

:(

Nouis

Actually any ship with Niall is cute.

Narry


Let's throw in this one too because Harry.



Lirry

Harry's reaction, god.
I think it's obvious I now have a soft spot for Harry ok.
What you'd call being a "Harry girl".
Like how my sister is a Niall girl.

Ziam
Yay Ziam!
Not my OTP, but I ship it because ZaynandLiam and LiamandZayn don't blame me guys and I'd like to think it's real.
asdfghjkl.

CAN

YOU

JUST

IMAGINE

THEM

TOGETHER?

Sensible Liam and "Bradford Bad Boi" Zayn, yeah?
I'm not kidding right now I have too many feels in me I think I'm gonna die I'm dead.

Zouis

Um.

I. Wasn't. Expecting. Feels. 




God.

Larry :) ;)

Hello unnecessary caress.

Aww look at Harry all fascinated and captivated by his boyf.

I'm crying.

Louis looks so proud of Harry I can't even.

Guys time literally stopped when they looked at each other it's official.

Louis you can't help it can you :(

I have a gif for this but I couldn't find it among the hundreds of others in my Larry folder.
Louis waited for Harry (and only Harry) and then proceeded to wrap an arm around his waist and under his blazer you know, to have maximum closeness.

Fetus Larry yay!

They look like they just had a fight and Louis' tryna apologise and Harry's all mad and asdfjgkkj why am I doing this to myself??!?!?!??!!????!



Guys I really don't think we waded carefully enough...

If you haven't started shipping Larry by now idk what to say something must be wrong with you.
jkjk..I think.
Also remember that I ship Zourry too.
Figure that out.
And when you have...don't judge me.
It's a cool ship and I love their fics ok.

Keep in mind there are people out there with one of these ships as their OTP and they think it's real.
See, it's not weird at all!
Thank you 1D for coming and bringing in so much happiness and pain.

Mmmm 1D actually makes me happy.
Something about their many bromances and general cuteness and shit like that.
And I'm still no directioner, but sometimes I need that occasional pop of pop.
And 1D is not just a commercial pop boy-band for pubescent girls (and..boys..?), they are really, simply just five boys who have become so close it hurts, living their dreams together.
(How sappy.)
And I think when you see that side of them, that's what's so satisfying about being a directioner.
I mean, if I were one, that'd be how I feel.
I'm not.



(Surprisingly,) I was sad to read this.
I have no idea why.
There's something special about 1D, I think.
And when they break up, everything will be history.
Ugh.

But basically, you are now more informed of ships in the fandom.
(I haven't even included Elounor or Payzer or Zerrie or the notorious Haylor.)
Do you see why I want to get out of it now?
I can't even handle ONE ship.
Every time I go through any ship's tags I start to laugh-cry, which is hideously hideous, because I don't know whether to feel happy that it's happening or sad that they affect me just that much.
And when I say "laugh-cry", I'm not lying.



Okay goodbye, this had been fun and painful to do.
And if you'd stuck with me throughout the whole thing, I'm happy for you.
You deserve a crown.
:)

Edit:
Congrats to you if you figured what Zourry is, but here it is anyway since I have trouble helping myself.

Zourry

Yay!

Too much tension ugh.

What in the h.

Let us also not forget this happened.









Oh but Lou, how would you know all that?
How ever could you?



Oops. Sorrynotsorry.