no but
how boring and bitter and salty do u have to be to hate people who are actually doing good with their lives
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
how else to sum it up
sometimes i have to remind myself that this space is supposed to be for me
it is to cater to me
is has been designed for me
it is for me to use at my disposal
it is for me, me, me.
it is to cater to me
is has been designed for me
it is for me to use at my disposal
it is for me, me, me.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
be with me so happily
alright so.
a year ago tonight i discovered my first harry&louis fic, in attempts of purging this terrible, terrible ennui.
it was after this cropped up on my dash
so, so beautiful wow.
my heart was taken so, so quick.
there is something so terrifyingly honest about the way these two are with each other, and wow.
ouch.
it hurts a lot.
and it's been a year, and i still feel the same way about this.
and, i have been improved!
a lot!
i don't know i can't say much about this but
learning about their relationship has enhanced interminable aspects of my life.
and they also make me happy, and i am just so.
happy.
there has been a lot of firsts with these so um
for memory's sake,
first louis&harry gif:
first louis&harry fic: happy thoughts
first louis&harry blog: reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal
first louis&harry song (that i ever cried to lmaooo): kiss me
yeah i am done i am not going to push it.
also let me tell you that i am heaving right now
two of my ultimate favourite blogs that discuss louis&harry just follwoed me i think im gona die theyre so clever and groenw up and im just me and i cnt beleive they folwoed me i a m so hapy.
i think i am decently content with where my life is right now.
of course the effort presently exerted leaves much to be desired...but still.
who else can be as effusive when speaking about things like friends..or hobbies.
so i am content.
a year ago tonight i discovered my first harry&louis fic, in attempts of purging this terrible, terrible ennui.
it was after this cropped up on my dash
so, so beautiful wow.
my heart was taken so, so quick.
there is something so terrifyingly honest about the way these two are with each other, and wow.
ouch.
it hurts a lot.
and it's been a year, and i still feel the same way about this.
and, i have been improved!
a lot!
i don't know i can't say much about this but
learning about their relationship has enhanced interminable aspects of my life.
and they also make me happy, and i am just so.
happy.
there has been a lot of firsts with these so um
for memory's sake,
first louis&harry gif:
first louis&harry fic: happy thoughts
first louis&harry blog: reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal
first louis&harry song (that i ever cried to lmaooo): kiss me
yeah i am done i am not going to push it.
also let me tell you that i am heaving right now
two of my ultimate favourite blogs that discuss louis&harry just follwoed me i think im gona die theyre so clever and groenw up and im just me and i cnt beleive they folwoed me i a m so hapy.
i think i am decently content with where my life is right now.
of course the effort presently exerted leaves much to be desired...but still.
who else can be as effusive when speaking about things like friends..or hobbies.
so i am content.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
and if he feels my traces in your hair
Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
— Daniell Koepke
I have been thinking a lot about toxic people in recent months.
— Daniell Koepke
I have been thinking a lot about toxic people in recent months.
by my heavenly side
wow it's been self-destruction going out this much.
*looks at planner*
yep here are a couple more dates marked.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
i need time for myself.
every step outside the house demands two solitary minutes in compensation.
it is very difficult, because socialising almost always means willing stubborn lips to lift; it almost always means having to think of (the right/socially-acceptable) things to say; it almost always means committing to other people who are not you.
it is emotionally draining, and by the end of everything, i am almost always hating myself.
this is for an interminable number of reasons.
one, because being around people makes me realise how i pale in comparison.
two, because saying yes to others is saying no to myself.
three, because too much time is always spent internally criticising every move i make.
(why the fuck did you just walk in there are you a certified idiot
why the fuck did you say that gr8 job now you sound dumb as fuck not as if you look dumb enough too lmaoo
why the fuck do you actually exist)
four, because it just shows how stupid i am at all for allowing myself to put me in a fix.
(you could have said no, dearest, but you didn't. genius.)
there are very few in this universe with whom i am completely uninhibited.
these are the ones with whom i feel everything and anything is possible.
these people are rare and hard to come by, but i think i am very lucky to have them stumble into my life.
it is for the way i never feel doubtful of having my feelings manifest.
(for the way i never feel doubtful of myself.)
it is for the way i am hardly upset or displeased or discontent with their company.
it is for the way i know one may "talk it out" and thereafter traverse along a path devoid of weighty grudges.
(it is for the way we fight a little and a few minutes after continue as if nothing happened, and not in a let-us-pretend-nothing-actually-happened way, no.
it is for the we-argued-a-little-but-it's-resolved-now-so-can-we-go-eat-or-what-i-need-to-tell-u-about-this-cool-thing-i-saw-on-my-dash way.)
it is for the way comfortable silence is the interval between free-flowing conversation.
it is for the way i never have to balance on light tiptoes around them, because there is simply no need to.
the ground does not unwarningly exhume itself; there are never sudden blocks of ice wedged between us.
it is all just warmth and comfort and acceptance in every way and.
i truly appreciate that.
(stupid. i am smiling so hard thinking about them.)
sometimes i feel as if i do not deserve this.
but each time i do, i chide myself because it is impossible to not deserve people who make you light and giddy and very drunk when very sober.
(the only pain they cause are the ones that come with laughing too much.)
it is not at all exhausting being with such people, because there is no need to bite your nails choosing the most impressive bits and pieces of yourself to display.
(oh, the wearing burden of such a performance.)
there is no making way for these people in your life; it is more like realising that in your life, there has always been a space carved out, awaiting the arrival of this person specially cut out to fill that space. perfectly.
it is very much like finding your soulmate.
i do believe soulmates exist, and there are all kinds.
i think i am very lucky.
this year has been one of great self-discovery and self-contemplation.
they have facilitated that process, certainly.
i have never felt more secure prior to delving into a little exploration of self.
yes, it is all a little mad.
but i think i am very lucky.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
this is how to be a heartbreaker
happy birthday
www.food.com/recipe/microwave-chocolate-mug-brownie-349246
www.food.com/recipe/microwave-chocolate-mug-brownie-349246
Friday, November 22, 2013
butterflies so crazy
mnot sad anymore!!!
bc!!
lesbian hary!!!
i love hary styles so much!!
i love him and his genderbending ways!!
he is so queer its painfully beautiful!!!
most itme s i feel like all he thnks!!
is!!!
fucku r gendre nroms!!!!!!!
i lvoe him so much!!!!!!!
harry is such a fun person i want 2 be his friend!!!!
a heart as loud as lions
um ok
it's about 4.30am
i am crying a lot and i cannot stop
it's been like this literally since 2am
so i listened to emeli sande's read all about it bc someone put a link
and it triggered the absolute shit out of me
harrylouisharrylouisclosetharrylouis
sad sad sad just very very very sad
thank you harry&louis
yes ok so
was very sad
decided to watch wreck-it ralph
and still found opportune moments to cry too ????
????????????
so yes
i am crying actual streams of tears
there are used tissues all around me
and im gonna have to stay up a bit more
if i want to make sure i dont get bad puffy eyes come morning
("come morning"???
pretty sure i'd sleep through it lmao)
i am confused????
why am i crying so much?????????????????????
?????????????????????///
at night we're waking up the neighbours
while we sing away the blues.
making sure that we're remembered, yeah
'cause we all matter too.
if the truth has been forbidden
then we're breaking all the rules.
so come on, come on,
come on, come on.
let's get the tv and the radio
to play our tune again.
it's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events.
there's no need to be afraid,
i will sing with you my friend.
come on, come on.
it's about 4.30am
i am crying a lot and i cannot stop
it's been like this literally since 2am
so i listened to emeli sande's read all about it bc someone put a link
and it triggered the absolute shit out of me
harrylouisharrylouisclosetharrylouis
sad sad sad just very very very sad
thank you harry&louis
yes ok so
was very sad
decided to watch wreck-it ralph
and still found opportune moments to cry too ????
????????????
so yes
i am crying actual streams of tears
there are used tissues all around me
and im gonna have to stay up a bit more
if i want to make sure i dont get bad puffy eyes come morning
("come morning"???
pretty sure i'd sleep through it lmao)
i am confused????
why am i crying so much?????????????????????
?????????????????????///
at night we're waking up the neighbours
while we sing away the blues.
making sure that we're remembered, yeah
'cause we all matter too.
if the truth has been forbidden
then we're breaking all the rules.
so come on, come on,
come on, come on.
let's get the tv and the radio
to play our tune again.
it's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events.
there's no need to be afraid,
i will sing with you my friend.
come on, come on.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
shiny things go deeper
I think I need to sort out personal things.
I think I am going downhill a little bit
so I'm gonna have to alleviate that quick.
I think I am going downhill a little bit
so I'm gonna have to alleviate that quick.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
dressing to the 9
lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo
im getting conflicted bc little white lies
sounds rape-y af
and now im reading arguments for and against it
comparing it with blurred lines
and
hm.
sure sure sure arguments for lwl
might be desperate attempts to guard ur faves
no one direction can't possibly be meaning this no
what i see in the arguments (for lwl) rn are a lot lot lot of interpretation and reading-into-it
too much??
????
and im thinking if we do the same with blurred lines we'd likewise find valid points to defend it as well
which
that is a horrible thought i do not ever want to defend blurred lines.
no this is not making sense im sorry.
((im trying to say that if we go deep deep deep and read into blurred lines as much as we did with little white lies
we'd still find ways of going around the 'rape alert'
to make it sound less rape-y
which may not be true))
but the point is
at face value, little white lies does seem to me like a rape-y song
You say you’re a good girl
But I know you would girl
(it somewhat parallels bl's
you're a good girl
I know you want it)
lmao you don't know how much i hate the phrase "good girl"
as if a woman's promiscuity is what defines how "good" she is
aka a woman who likes sex is inherently bad and rebellious o k
anyway
"i know you would" might be a bit problematic imo
yes ok you can say that the use of "would" would mean there is a choice involved
fair enough
but then again the "i know"
may also point out an overly-confident, arrogant and wrong assumption of the girl's intentions?
it might mean a purposeful dismissal of her boundaries??
well
that's one aspect of it
i mean yeah
i'll concede to how they want this album to sound a little more adult, a little more edgy and provocative
but i'm not gonna lie
i'm a little disappointed they decided to go down the
i-know-you-want-it line
which to me just reeks of rape culture.
there are other ways to write and sing about sex
other ways that are less about mushing/interpreting intentions
and more about the experience itself idk
and
the fact that they're my faves
won't stop me from calling them out on things like these.
but all the same
little white lies is definitely not as despicable as blurred lines
i mean, it isn't the song accompanied with a completely
vile, degrading, absolutely misogynist mv, now, is it?
TBH I STILL DON'T THINK I'LL UN-ENJOY IT
I THINK THAT DESPITE IT BEING A DEBATABLE SONG THAT POSSIBLY PERPETUATES RAPE CULTURE
I WILL STILL END UP LETTING MYSELF ENJOY IT LIKE I DO WITH EVERY OTHER STUPID ONE DIRECTION SONG
I WILL STILL LOVE IT
EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO IT YET
WHICH MAY BE A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL OF ME BUT
UM.
im getting conflicted bc little white lies
sounds rape-y af
and now im reading arguments for and against it
comparing it with blurred lines
and
hm.
sure sure sure arguments for lwl
might be desperate attempts to guard ur faves
no one direction can't possibly be meaning this no
what i see in the arguments (for lwl) rn are a lot lot lot of interpretation and reading-into-it
too much??
????
and im thinking if we do the same with blurred lines we'd likewise find valid points to defend it as well
which
that is a horrible thought i do not ever want to defend blurred lines.
no this is not making sense im sorry.
((im trying to say that if we go deep deep deep and read into blurred lines as much as we did with little white lies
we'd still find ways of going around the 'rape alert'
to make it sound less rape-y
which may not be true))
but the point is
at face value, little white lies does seem to me like a rape-y song
You say you’re a good girl
But I know you would girl
(it somewhat parallels bl's
you're a good girl
I know you want it)
lmao you don't know how much i hate the phrase "good girl"
as if a woman's promiscuity is what defines how "good" she is
aka a woman who likes sex is inherently bad and rebellious o k
anyway
"i know you would" might be a bit problematic imo
yes ok you can say that the use of "would" would mean there is a choice involved
fair enough
but then again the "i know"
may also point out an overly-confident, arrogant and wrong assumption of the girl's intentions?
it might mean a purposeful dismissal of her boundaries??
well
that's one aspect of it
i mean yeah
i'll concede to how they want this album to sound a little more adult, a little more edgy and provocative
but i'm not gonna lie
i'm a little disappointed they decided to go down the
i-know-you-want-it line
which to me just reeks of rape culture.
there are other ways to write and sing about sex
other ways that are less about mushing/interpreting intentions
and more about the experience itself idk
and
the fact that they're my faves
won't stop me from calling them out on things like these.
but all the same
little white lies is definitely not as despicable as blurred lines
i mean, it isn't the song accompanied with a completely
vile, degrading, absolutely misogynist mv, now, is it?
TBH I STILL DON'T THINK I'LL UN-ENJOY IT
I THINK THAT DESPITE IT BEING A DEBATABLE SONG THAT POSSIBLY PERPETUATES RAPE CULTURE
I WILL STILL END UP LETTING MYSELF ENJOY IT LIKE I DO WITH EVERY OTHER STUPID ONE DIRECTION SONG
I WILL STILL LOVE IT
EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO IT YET
WHICH MAY BE A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL OF ME BUT
UM.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
all I am is bored bored bored
I haven't written for the purpose of purging boredom in a long time so um
well.
I unfollowed like 60 blogs on tumblr bc too much one direction and I couldn't take it
and all the inactive blogs and
yeah my dash has been a little static
to say the least.
I might be dehydrated bc lazing around the house results in forgetting to drink water and stuff
so I have like a headache thing????
can't think straight
can't do a thing
also like half of today was spent playing plants vs zombies
and not e-learning
which is a disgusting to do
god i'm just gross and dumb and ugh
dumbest post ever
gonna delete this and other stuff soon bye
I haven't written for the purpose of purging boredom in a long time so um
well.
I unfollowed like 60 blogs on tumblr bc too much one direction and I couldn't take it
and all the inactive blogs and
yeah my dash has been a little static
to say the least.
I might be dehydrated bc lazing around the house results in forgetting to drink water and stuff
so I have like a headache thing????
can't think straight
can't do a thing
also like half of today was spent playing plants vs zombies
and not e-learning
which is a disgusting to do
god i'm just gross and dumb and ugh
dumbest post ever
gonna delete this and other stuff soon bye
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
watch it all fall out
ah oh yes indeed
how unkind of the universe
much melodrama
such sad
heightened pretentious
boohoo let us engage in little cry-our-eyes-out fêtes
bc not a thing is going well
and what else is there to do
but languish in the injustice of it all?
ah oh yes indeed
let us drown our forlorn little selves in
ostentatious displays of language use
and tearful, unrestrained tirades on social media
let us all ruefully express
our distaste and dissatisfaction
for situations we may never possibly alter, oh no
laments of the victimised powerless
dear me how cultured we all are
infusing totally not-cliché quotes
into the thing
how unkind of the universe
much melodrama
such sad
heightened pretentious
boohoo let us engage in little cry-our-eyes-out fêtes
bc not a thing is going well
and what else is there to do
but languish in the injustice of it all?
ah oh yes indeed
let us drown our forlorn little selves in
ostentatious displays of language use
and tearful, unrestrained tirades on social media
let us all ruefully express
our distaste and dissatisfaction
for situations we may never possibly alter, oh no
laments of the victimised powerless
dear me how cultured we all are
infusing totally not-cliché quotes
into the thing
Monday, November 4, 2013
if you walk away
try as I might
I just cannot feel attracted to liam/zayn/niall
not a single bit??
i dont want to kiss them at all??
like the mere thought of it eeks me out???
??????
like have you seen louis
huny louis' where it's at
and i guess no one can deny that
harry/liam/zayn are the strongest in the band vocally
but then you can't deny too that
louis' voice is integral in their songs like
his voice
(i can't bring myself to describe it
won't be able to do it justice)
weaves some texture into one direction songs
he creates all these layers like
wow
in the midst of all this chestnut and warm gravel and indigo
you hear this wafting angelic /thing/
like it is all sweet intoxicating mist
and it is so naked and bare and vulnerable
like it sounds so breakable
more easily shattered than the thinnest glass
and when louis is the one giving voice to the words of a song
you can just /see/
the way space between his eyes furrow
and his forehead creases like trenches on a battlefield
and how his eyes sparkle, leaking out all the sunshine within
and how he pours out all these /emotions/
and he's so cute when he sings
louis is so cute so soso sos cute
I just cannot feel attracted to liam/zayn/niall
not a single bit??
i dont want to kiss them at all??
like the mere thought of it eeks me out???
??????
like have you seen louis
huny louis' where it's at
and i guess no one can deny that
harry/liam/zayn are the strongest in the band vocally
but then you can't deny too that
louis' voice is integral in their songs like
his voice
(i can't bring myself to describe it
won't be able to do it justice)
weaves some texture into one direction songs
he creates all these layers like
wow
in the midst of all this chestnut and warm gravel and indigo
you hear this wafting angelic /thing/
like it is all sweet intoxicating mist
and it is so naked and bare and vulnerable
like it sounds so breakable
more easily shattered than the thinnest glass
and when louis is the one giving voice to the words of a song
you can just /see/
the way space between his eyes furrow
and his forehead creases like trenches on a battlefield
and how his eyes sparkle, leaking out all the sunshine within
and how he pours out all these /emotions/
and he's so cute when he sings
louis is so cute so soso sos cute
Sunday, November 3, 2013
omfg I find it so so so hilarious that
this jamaican dude follows me
and my tumblr is like
pastelish vintage paintings and quotes
and his is like
smoke weed errday girls girls boobs drink gold paper weed
and then his liddle jamaican friend came along and followed me too
science is amazing
i think i have an affinity to jamaicans
janelle is jamaican
this jamaican dude follows me
and my tumblr is like
pastelish vintage paintings and quotes
and his is like
smoke weed errday girls girls boobs drink gold paper weed
and then his liddle jamaican friend came along and followed me too
science is amazing
i think i have an affinity to jamaicans
janelle is jamaican
Saturday, November 2, 2013
nah son i just have other petty insecurities that's all
like woah im not all that i literally dont care about the all that
all i was thinking was
friiick now theyre gona judge me in sch and all ppl will hate me bc i was being stupid do i look stupid i am so sad
but nahhh theyre all gone now
wooow how do u know how to make me feel better and not stupid how
people are amazing
good people are amazing
like woah im not all that i literally dont care about the all that
all i was thinking was
friiick now theyre gona judge me in sch and all ppl will hate me bc i was being stupid do i look stupid i am so sad
but nahhh theyre all gone now
wooow how do u know how to make me feel better and not stupid how
people are amazing
good people are amazing
give me love like her
"nooo what if people think im stupid & they judge me like every step i take"
"then u have me, diana and bat and we'll walk with u and we'll all get judged together. you know, i do have a scary face..."
is it me or did i put these rap bitches on the map again
you know what
i dont give a fuck
what the hell did they expect calling me a fag
after ive explicitly said
not to
it was a conscious decision he made
and it was a stupid one
i stood my ground and called him out for it
and it freaked me out after that
but you know what
i think that was a fucking brave thing i did
and i am ok with that
i dont give a fuck
what the hell did they expect calling me a fag
after ive explicitly said
not to
it was a conscious decision he made
and it was a stupid one
i stood my ground and called him out for it
and it freaked me out after that
but you know what
i think that was a fucking brave thing i did
and i am ok with that
Monday, October 28, 2013
everybody's yelling no
what would I call this period of my life
(because yeah, here we are
this is a whole new chapter
although I am uncertain still of how far in I already am into it
for all I know I might've had fallen into it quite unknowingly
it takes some time to accustom yourself to new things
but the newness of it all is starkly crisp and very discernible
it is like
being suddenly submerged in completely new waters
for the first few moments you're still a bit too much in shock to think anything of it
and all you may do is feel
but I am past that now, a little more seasoned to this
so this is me thinking)
it is a bit of sexuality-discovering, isn't it?
the word I am thinking of now is "embrace"
there is a lot of opening up on my part in accommodating all these new things
(haaa I love that pun)
there is a lot of self-exploration and
a lot of listening to your body and soul
and a lot of not inhibiting your own self.
I am not chiding myself for anything
(yet)
I am going to give myself this
it is still a very innocuous thing all in all
(the admiration of anyone I find attractive)
but all the same, it is a Huge Thing
and I am going to acknowledge that.
I am just glad that this time I do not feel the compulsion for
"wringing and wringing my wrists and fingers"
(which made me do baaad things to myself yesteryear
in desperation of purging the feelings)
bc of addled disorientation
(pun game strong today)
and pent-up frustration
and the not-knowing-how-or-what-to-feel
presently I am taking me through everything soothingly and kindly
and not hurting myself so
props to me.
(cue the smiley)
(because yeah, here we are
this is a whole new chapter
although I am uncertain still of how far in I already am into it
for all I know I might've had fallen into it quite unknowingly
it takes some time to accustom yourself to new things
but the newness of it all is starkly crisp and very discernible
it is like
being suddenly submerged in completely new waters
for the first few moments you're still a bit too much in shock to think anything of it
and all you may do is feel
but I am past that now, a little more seasoned to this
so this is me thinking)
it is a bit of sexuality-discovering, isn't it?
the word I am thinking of now is "embrace"
there is a lot of opening up on my part in accommodating all these new things
(haaa I love that pun)
there is a lot of self-exploration and
a lot of listening to your body and soul
and a lot of not inhibiting your own self.
I am not chiding myself for anything
(yet)
I am going to give myself this
it is still a very innocuous thing all in all
(the admiration of anyone I find attractive)
but all the same, it is a Huge Thing
and I am going to acknowledge that.
I am just glad that this time I do not feel the compulsion for
"wringing and wringing my wrists and fingers"
(which made me do baaad things to myself yesteryear
in desperation of purging the feelings)
bc of addled disorientation
(pun game strong today)
and pent-up frustration
and the not-knowing-how-or-what-to-feel
presently I am taking me through everything soothingly and kindly
and not hurting myself so
props to me.
(cue the smiley)
Sunday, October 27, 2013
we are the crowd
surround yourself with people
who make you feel like anything is possible
who make you do the release-your-inhibitions thing
who make you feel good and happy.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
*takes away sharp thing & kisses u gently on the forehead*
tonight
for every person whose spirit i've lifted
there are two whom i've failed to reach
so yeah i'm half smile half cry
but more cry maybe
and that makes the cry double.
for every person whose spirit i've lifted
there are two whom i've failed to reach
so yeah i'm half smile half cry
but more cry maybe
and that makes the cry double.
terrified but i'm not leaving
i'm shivering and i feel like throwing up
this is actually very scary
what the fuck do i do
Monday, October 21, 2013
"you idiot"
well fuck
generally I am now discontent
and whatever happiness I'd felt
has presently dissipated
cheers to that.
generally I am now discontent
and whatever happiness I'd felt
has presently dissipated
cheers to that.
bring back what once was mine
today I feel a little odd about things.
it's been an obscene mix of everything but
it kind of all boils down to
i am happy, and everyone else is not.
today also I had an exchange with a person
and maybe it gutted me
because it made me decide that
to everyone there are interminable layers
and it made me re-evaluate everything I know
(how I am; how I think, feel)
so really
I should be forgiving, I should be kind
(I should be a little less of a narcissist
has this been the right mechanism? idk
i make injudicious choices sometimes)
and now it is as if everything around me has become, without warning, impossibly fragile
I feel a sort of necessity to second guess things
tread lightly because surface glass may be precarious thin
underneath is a dark, turbulent mass of no-one-knows-what
and no one knows.
and if I weren't careful, if I were so unjustly, unknowingly brash
(with a person)
how messily would that glass shatter.
it is a little questionable exactly how
but by the end of tonight
I would have someone's life in my hands
(howhowhowfuck)
and there will be sad people out there but
I have someone's life in my hands???
is this a thing that should happen??
fuuuuuuuuck.
it's been an obscene mix of everything but
it kind of all boils down to
i am happy, and everyone else is not.
today also I had an exchange with a person
and maybe it gutted me
because it made me decide that
to everyone there are interminable layers
and it made me re-evaluate everything I know
(how I am; how I think, feel)
so really
I should be forgiving, I should be kind
(I should be a little less of a narcissist
has this been the right mechanism? idk
i make injudicious choices sometimes)
and now it is as if everything around me has become, without warning, impossibly fragile
I feel a sort of necessity to second guess things
tread lightly because surface glass may be precarious thin
underneath is a dark, turbulent mass of no-one-knows-what
and no one knows.
and if I weren't careful, if I were so unjustly, unknowingly brash
(with a person)
how messily would that glass shatter.
it is a little questionable exactly how
but by the end of tonight
I would have someone's life in my hands
(howhowhowfuck)
and there will be sad people out there but
I have someone's life in my hands???
is this a thing that should happen??
fuuuuuuuuck.
Friday, October 18, 2013
say a prayer to yourself
no I am not going to lie
my actual biggest, biggest fear right now
is the end of harry&louis' relationship.
wow talk about priorities but
it helps me through a lot
like it makes me smile a lot
and puts my mind off things
it...gives me purpose?
if it ends just like that
things will be
bad
(this is an understatement
I will be absolutely wrecked).
((or you can say
I'd lose my...direction.))
so this week I am not particularly in love with blindgossip.
my actual biggest, biggest fear right now
is the end of harry&louis' relationship.
wow talk about priorities but
it helps me through a lot
like it makes me smile a lot
and puts my mind off things
it...gives me purpose?
if it ends just like that
things will be
bad
(this is an understatement
I will be absolutely wrecked).
((or you can say
I'd lose my...direction.))
so this week I am not particularly in love with blindgossip.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
a mixtape with all the songs that you hate
wow this is new
this being a deep low from which I seem unable to lift myself out of so
ok.
this being a deep low from which I seem unable to lift myself out of so
ok.
stupid in love
what the fuck
I was down for like two solid days
at the prospect of infidelity between harry/louis
what is that supposed to even fucking mean
my new nickname is "you idiot".
I was down for like two solid days
at the prospect of infidelity between harry/louis
what is that supposed to even fucking mean
my new nickname is "you idiot".
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
no pain is forever
rihanna is so so so so attractive what
like
her pour it up video
what
what
what
i think of kissing girls a lot.
i like girls.
i like boys too.
but for now i like girls a bit more.
girls.
like
her pour it up video
what
what
what
i think of kissing girls a lot.
i like girls.
i like boys too.
but for now i like girls a bit more.
girls.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
you don't love me, big fucking deal
(crude unpolished raw idk just disgusting and bad language by that I mean basic)
presently I am just generally a little discontent.
I am terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible at texting.
here's a tip: if you want me to reply to something urgent text me don't use whatsapp whatsapp uses up mobile data which I disable most times when I'm out also it is annoying.
no but really.
whatsapp is absolutely terrifying.
people get to know if you are online; they see your last-seens.
they even know when you're typing??? !!
(which is creepy a little and very inhibiting!!!!!!!)
it's just...so unwelcome when you just don't want attention.
like.
when I intend to make a recluse of myself
I do not wish for people to know gdi.
when I slip away I want to be able to do that without people realising ffs I hate whatsapp so much.
and they'd know when you're online and if you do not reply to a message they'd be like
OooOOoohHh whwhYHWY ISi sSHEH Not aReplyung????
dOoeso eshe Hatee Meem or SOemtheing????
no friend I just really don't want to talk to people not anyone not even you it's not you it's me get over yourself.
unless it is something legitimately important.
or maybe I actually really don't like you idk.
but otherwise like hello unnecessary obligation????
and then there will be this huge huge mental task reminder that is to reply to whatever message like I don't actually want to talk to anyone not even you sod off????
feels like I have no choice in what I do tbqfh.
simply put I feel like there is this ubiquitous demand for me to communicate with everything at once every second and I hate that sO MUCH.
I frickin hate instantaneous communication and it is with quite a fiery passion.
give me space give me space give me space
(let me indulge myself with solitude whenever & wherever I please)
if you want to talk to me do it face-to-face
write letters
tEXT.
everything transcribes easier this way
I fuckin hate spending minutes typing long messages on a device when the same thing can be verbally expressed in less than 10 seconds.
and y'know at least with text messaging no one watches your every move f UCK.
and you have all the time in the world to type something bc no pressure no one knows when you're typing or when you're not or whatev you do what you wanna do when you wanna do and I think that's beautiful.
in a stupid nutshell
don't whatsapp me
wait
does anyone actually read whatsapp statuses
bc for weeks mine's been saying
(don't talk to me unless /absolutely/ necessary x)
liKE HOW NICE I EVEN PUT AN X THERE.
but yeah ok.
aLSO
(i'm sorry)
if you'd used my twitter in attempts to reach out to me
(by that I mean reminders to check messages!!!!! which I hate!!!!)
you can be p sure that I hated you for about ten minutes.
like no friend
stay out my mentions if it's nothing related to twitter content.
pm me at most, but mentioning is a no-no.
twitter's not the place to make me feel obliged to do things
twitter is where I am in control
and it is where stray thoughts gather
and it is where others respond to them
or lay bare their own stray thoughts
to which I may respond.
that is all that is it
me on twitter is me in my own garden
do not infiltrate it.
presently I am just generally a little discontent.
I am terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible at texting.
here's a tip: if you want me to reply to something urgent text me don't use whatsapp whatsapp uses up mobile data which I disable most times when I'm out also it is annoying.
no but really.
whatsapp is absolutely terrifying.
people get to know if you are online; they see your last-seens.
they even know when you're typing??? !!
(which is creepy a little and very inhibiting!!!!!!!)
it's just...so unwelcome when you just don't want attention.
like.
when I intend to make a recluse of myself
I do not wish for people to know gdi.
when I slip away I want to be able to do that without people realising ffs I hate whatsapp so much.
and they'd know when you're online and if you do not reply to a message they'd be like
OooOOoohHh whwhYHWY ISi sSHEH Not aReplyung????
dOoeso eshe Hatee Meem or SOemtheing????
no friend I just really don't want to talk to people not anyone not even you it's not you it's me get over yourself.
unless it is something legitimately important.
or maybe I actually really don't like you idk.
but otherwise like hello unnecessary obligation????
and then there will be this huge huge mental task reminder that is to reply to whatever message like I don't actually want to talk to anyone not even you sod off????
feels like I have no choice in what I do tbqfh.
simply put I feel like there is this ubiquitous demand for me to communicate with everything at once every second and I hate that sO MUCH.
I frickin hate instantaneous communication and it is with quite a fiery passion.
give me space give me space give me space
(let me indulge myself with solitude whenever & wherever I please)
if you want to talk to me do it face-to-face
write letters
tEXT.
everything transcribes easier this way
I fuckin hate spending minutes typing long messages on a device when the same thing can be verbally expressed in less than 10 seconds.
and y'know at least with text messaging no one watches your every move f UCK.
and you have all the time in the world to type something bc no pressure no one knows when you're typing or when you're not or whatev you do what you wanna do when you wanna do and I think that's beautiful.
in a stupid nutshell
don't whatsapp me
wait
does anyone actually read whatsapp statuses
bc for weeks mine's been saying
(don't talk to me unless /absolutely/ necessary x)
liKE HOW NICE I EVEN PUT AN X THERE.
but yeah ok.
aLSO
(i'm sorry)
if you'd used my twitter in attempts to reach out to me
(by that I mean reminders to check messages!!!!! which I hate!!!!)
you can be p sure that I hated you for about ten minutes.
like no friend
stay out my mentions if it's nothing related to twitter content.
pm me at most, but mentioning is a no-no.
twitter's not the place to make me feel obliged to do things
twitter is where I am in control
and it is where stray thoughts gather
and it is where others respond to them
or lay bare their own stray thoughts
to which I may respond.
that is all that is it
me on twitter is me in my own garden
do not infiltrate it.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
fireworks at the end of the day
this is going to be the first and last thing/complaint wrt school things by school things I mean project work.
don't look through things
and ask
why is this so bad
just because you see
tons of comments
while other sections
are relatively clean
because
I want to remind you again
of who had to rewrite nearly every page
and who
wrote the good sections that
are relatively clean
and then after of who
offered so little useful input
and yeT WAS STILL SUFFOCATINGLY PATRONISING
?????????
LIKE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
?????????
STOP ACTING AS IF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS ARE PIVOTAL
?????????
BC ATM THEY'RE NOT
?????????
AND I'M THE ONE ACTUALLY DOING SOME GOOD
(WITH THE HELP OF LIKE TWO OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF FOUR BUT YEAH)
?????????
????????????????
frick me this written report thing is like
my baby
you don't get to mess it up ha ha.
of who had to rewrite nearly every page
and who
wrote the good sections that
are relatively clean
and then after of who
offered so little useful input
and yeT WAS STILL SUFFOCATINGLY PATRONISING
?????????
LIKE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
?????????
STOP ACTING AS IF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS ARE PIVOTAL
?????????
BC ATM THEY'RE NOT
?????????
AND I'M THE ONE ACTUALLY DOING SOME GOOD
(WITH THE HELP OF LIKE TWO OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF FOUR BUT YEAH)
?????????
????????????????
frick me this written report thing is like
my baby
you don't get to mess it up ha ha.
Monday, October 7, 2013
drifting peacefully
who's gonna catch you now,
who's gonna catch you now,
running so far away, so far away.
who's gonna catch you now,
running so far away, so far away.
can't risk losing in love again
Ok.
So today has been an odd day.
(maybe because I spent it reading this infidelity fic
I have fuckin love-hate relationships with infidelity fics I swear
fuck
like
if it is captured and portrayed right
the whole concept of infidelity
grazes you in a lot of ways
and the pain it leaves behind both stings and fascinates)
I have this rant draft saved but it is choppy and disjointed and ugh.
it is too raw and it doesn't make sense.
so it will go unpublished, I suppose.
um but I just want to say this.
that
once again I have no fuckin idea why I care about one direction at all
like I really don't
it is an aggressive self-inquisition
but most days I put it aside
just
I have really vehement opinions on them okay.
like fangirling aside
I can quite literally have a proper sit-down with tea and all
and instigate an intellectual discussion on matters revolving around this stupid-ass boyband.
and
if you are not ready to deal with them opinions
don't fucking talk to me about one direction
don't shit on me about them
don't think you know things about them that I don't because that would be an insanely foolish assumption.
don't tell me to tone it down
(although I already try to, when I talk about them, when it is brought up and I have to react)
take me seriously for fucks sake.
come to me about one direction when you have an open heart and mind
or if you want to do something else besides dry-heave over their stupidly beautiful idiotic lovable selves.
because I do like talking about them a lot without feeling inhibited.
and I just really really really really love one direction will hound you the heck down if you talk shit about them in front of my face.
this has been a Serious Thing & I hope you respect that thank u.
okay im sorry im sorry im sory im soryr i didnt mean it to coem off thsi sharp i jsut
i feel out of sorts
and
i am just going to distance myself
from this
like
walk away
from mself
ok
goodnight
in other news
i really hate the one direction twitter fandom
with a passion
fuck
So today has been an odd day.
(maybe because I spent it reading this infidelity fic
I have fuckin love-hate relationships with infidelity fics I swear
fuck
like
if it is captured and portrayed right
the whole concept of infidelity
grazes you in a lot of ways
and the pain it leaves behind both stings and fascinates)
I have this rant draft saved but it is choppy and disjointed and ugh.
it is too raw and it doesn't make sense.
so it will go unpublished, I suppose.
um but I just want to say this.
that
once again I have no fuckin idea why I care about one direction at all
like I really don't
it is an aggressive self-inquisition
but most days I put it aside
just
I have really vehement opinions on them okay.
like fangirling aside
I can quite literally have a proper sit-down with tea and all
and instigate an intellectual discussion on matters revolving around this stupid-ass boyband.
and
if you are not ready to deal with them opinions
don't fucking talk to me about one direction
don't shit on me about them
don't think you know things about them that I don't because that would be an insanely foolish assumption.
don't tell me to tone it down
(although I already try to, when I talk about them, when it is brought up and I have to react)
take me seriously for fucks sake.
come to me about one direction when you have an open heart and mind
or if you want to do something else besides dry-heave over their stupidly beautiful idiotic lovable selves.
because I do like talking about them a lot without feeling inhibited.
and I just really really really really love one direction will hound you the heck down if you talk shit about them in front of my face.
this has been a Serious Thing & I hope you respect that thank u.
okay im sorry im sorry im sory im soryr i didnt mean it to coem off thsi sharp i jsut
i feel out of sorts
and
i am just going to distance myself
from this
like
walk away
from mself
ok
goodnight
in other news
i really hate the one direction twitter fandom
with a passion
fuck
Sunday, October 6, 2013
running so far away
*twirls around happily because*
beach - san cisco
taro - alt-j
west coast - coconut cecords
she changes the weather - swim deep
sad dream - sky ferreira
beach - san cisco
taro - alt-j
west coast - coconut cecords
she changes the weather - swim deep
sad dream - sky ferreira
you take your time, young lion
ugh just kill me now
♡♡♡♡♡
He looks so young in the morning light that slants through the windows; hair sticking up in odd directions and clothes slightly rumpled from sleep. His dark eyelashes cast shadows against his sharp cheekbones, and there’s bruising beneath his red-lined eyes from a not entirely restful sleep and barely any of it. He’s such a contradiction, such an impossible mix of smooth and sharp, soft and firm, pretty and rugged. Harry wishes he had ten hours more to memorise every contour of his face and every curve of his body with his mouth and hands – every line of muscle and every stretch of skin – and then ten, ten thousand times over again.
a little bit of These Road We Stumble Down
♡♡♡♡♡
He looks so young in the morning light that slants through the windows; hair sticking up in odd directions and clothes slightly rumpled from sleep. His dark eyelashes cast shadows against his sharp cheekbones, and there’s bruising beneath his red-lined eyes from a not entirely restful sleep and barely any of it. He’s such a contradiction, such an impossible mix of smooth and sharp, soft and firm, pretty and rugged. Harry wishes he had ten hours more to memorise every contour of his face and every curve of his body with his mouth and hands – every line of muscle and every stretch of skin – and then ten, ten thousand times over again.
a little bit of These Road We Stumble Down
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
my life is a play
i live my life inside a dream
only waking when i sleep.
if i could sell my sorry soul
i would have it all.
only waking when i sleep.
if i could sell my sorry soul
i would have it all.
Monday, September 30, 2013
black umbrella
so tonight I looked in the mirror
and did the
and did the
I have a head
I have two arms
I have two legs
I have two eyes, a nose and a pair of lips
I have two ears
I have ten fingers and ten toes
I have a neck and thighs and a stomach
I have a bum
I can see
I can taste
I can hear
I can smell
I can feel
thing
then
I have collarbones
came out
and that was when I knew I had to stop.
thing
then
I have collarbones
came out
and that was when I knew I had to stop.
wear your heart on your cheek
okay SO at first I was gonna say the usual "don't read this it's probably going to be exTREMEly long and it's about one direction" BUT
I decided no for this because this is important
and really I mean it
right so today I was just doing my thing
(my "thing" constitutes of going on tumblr and twitter and thinking about harry&louis if you haven't noticed um)
and I started thinking a lot a lot about one direction
and how
it is something that is really, really important in my life
and I thought so much I started making a pretend video
you know
the ones where people just talk into the camera
but me I talked into the room mainly
so anyway
I just..wow.
firstly you must know I am not a
"directioner"
"larry shipper"
(yeah I'm past that now)
and if you call me any of that
u r dead
because yes, I think harry and louis are in an actual relationship
and this isn't merely a "ship" because in my opinion it is an actual, real thing
(from what I've consolidated after seeing, reading, analysing things with some logic
and "ship" connotates a fictional quality about them and huny there is nothing unreal about the way harry and louis act)
so I've taken to referring to them by harry&louis, and addressing it as if I were talking about an actual romantic relationship between two real people
and I feel like saying that I "ship" them kind of strips away a bit the respect this relationship deserves.
(because yes, sometimes we forget that there are real human emotions of real life people involved within this relationship that shouldn't be played around for entertainment if we are to, you know, bring this up in a real-world situation)
and also I am not a "directioner" because I just don't want to be identified with them "directioners"
I'm not going to attempt to explain it it just doesn't sit well with me
you can leave it at "one direction fan" and I think that's the furthest I can go.
right, so that is out of the way.
basically
understanding the nature of their relationship
has helped me understand even better the world/society I live in
they are two not-heterosexual men in an extremely internationally-successful pop boyband, and they happen to be in love with each other
then you take into account the fact that majority of the world is still largely homophobic or at the very least very against the whole idea of unstraightness
and the fact that one direction was created to be a goldmine, to bring in loads and loads of cash
and there you go
you start to learn about heteronormativity
and the (glass) closet the boys are forced into
and capitalism, in a way
(how their attainability ordains their success, basically
because their target audience are teenage girls, mainly
and these people are the ones who enable them to earn the amount of money they do
so if not one, but two!! members are not-straight then how the heck are the girls in love with said boys supposed to be as emotionally invested, right?
think of the backlash if one direction doesn't turn out to be the wholesome boyband it is projected to be wow!)
and through one direction's zayn malik
who is the only non-white member so
discrimination issues surface
because zayn is you know muslim and all
and he is faced with so many taunts because of religion
and then there are those who find him not living up to his religion good enough
and zayn has to face all this while juggling fame
and it's important!
and yet it isn't addressed in the movie
while it could have been to bring some depth into it!
and then there's the whole media fiasco
the
appearance vs reality
"reality tv" vs reality
what is real what is not?
print media? filmed interviews where things actually come out their mouths?
what is the agenda here?
the extent that media shoves ideas like "womaniser harry styles" into the minds of the public masses is ridiculous
(did you know on two different occasions they were passing off lou teasdale his married!! stylist and gemma styles his sister!!!! as harry's "new mystery girl" these were /headlines/ on published press let us mull over this for a moment yes thank you
that's...gemma styles??? sister of harry styles??????
am not gonna bother finding the printed news article of lou and harry at the casino
just trust me somewhere on this planet it exists
science is amazin g)
the fact that louis' supposed girlfriend is brought up as much as possible is also fishy as fuck.
(too many incidences if I start I won't stop just trust me on this one they bring her up even when it is highly unnecessary)
they are just pushing louis' heterosexuality so, so hard
and you start to wonder why
hey, is there something they are trying to cover up?
is there something really, really urgent being hidden?
something that carries repercussions so, so heavy the band will be affected oh wait
(I am going to digress a little but
Louis Tomlinson and Louis_Tomlinson are two different people totally
eg. sensitive-to-queer-fans louis vs online-homophobic-bastard louis
"oh, that one's not a lady!" vs "larry is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard"
vs
it just doesn't match up, ok.
once more, real louis vs online persona/twitter louis - who to believe?
how convenient it is to have the second louis be the one more discernible on a very elevated social media platform also.)
(you learn body language
you compare the boys' intuitive reactions
with what they are trying to deny
"oh, but haven't you kissed?" *looong pause, quickly put-together scandalised expression* "...NO!"
"me and harry are just really close" *harry's foot searches louis' under the tables*
not even making this up)
(and the best song ever mv
portrays one direction to be in control
shows them trashing up the studios and going against the executives and their managers and superiors
also harry to be the one taking lead and interacting most with veronica, once again pushing the "harry is leader of the band/harry and his back-up singers" and "womaniser harry styles" images
but is this really, really the case?
does the band really have a say in how they are marketed?
what purpose does the video hope to fulfill at this point?)
so you see
it helps me become by and by more analytical and less prone to passively accepting what is being forced into me left right center
and I'd be damned if this isn't a crucial thing to learn
in this period where pop culture is so prevalent and pervasive
and little kids are just
oh yeah
louis & eleanor are in love ya xxx
I want a relationship just like theirs :) x
they start to emulate them and it's all wrong it's all not right
(having your gf credited for your performance on the football pitch
for your singing
for your well-being
isn't healthy.
this
isn't healthy.
what the heck @JohannahDarling
good job on the PR stuntin')
tbh if you look into louis and eleanor's 'relationship' deep enough
there is nothing healthy about it at all, really.
they don't know anything and
all this blind following is just harsh and it pains me kind of
just
ugh
I get so, so frustrated and wow.
one direction are made out to be these superficial airheads in pop culture but there's so much more to them and no one knows because no one thinks twice when everything is so available and definitely credible tabloids and twitter updates provide all there is to know about one direction.
they don't understand there is so much to learn from them, and this is what sucks a lot.
sometimes I get teased a bit for liking one direction but they don't understand that one direction teaches you a lot
not directly, of course, but
if you put yourself in the proper company
(tumblr users
lapelosa
stupidstagram
thisismyoneluckyprize
poparoll
homeiswithlarry
who are mostly people who are either grown adults, not-heterosexual or both
so yeah, pretty sure they'd have some sound judgement on all this)
and you learn so, so much it is astounding
I am in awe at how much I've begun to comprehend about
sexuality
gender norms
gender identities
feminism, even
(which prevails when you start considering
fan culture
eg. "crazy one direction girls" vs "avid football fans"
voilà misogyny and sexism at work once again)
and then you start applying all this in your daily life and wow
how fucked up society is
( I hate using the word "society" but yeah, it is quite a wrecked thing to an extent.)
and so I am not lying or exaggerating when I say I owe one direction
a lot
because I do
I do owe them, in a way
without them I would've never been exposed to all these
these being things I think every one should delve into
because they carry so much immediate real-life implications
I'd have no problem shipping two m/m fictional characters
(Supernatural Destiel, anyone?)
but it just, I think, /won't/ develop my social-consciousness as well as comprehending louis&harry's situation would
because, once again, the immediate real-life implications one direction offer are incredible.
so yes, one direction really is important in my life.
and not because they tell me that not knowing that I am beautiful is what makes me beautiful
(oh harry once made a lyric change
"you still have to squeeze into your jeans AND you're perfect to me"
not "but", he used "and"
and that makes a hella difference harry is actually really clever and aware fight me on this.)
which are honestly problematic imo
because
oh yeah, you need boys to come and save you to tell you you're pretty
because all girls have internalised insecurities about themselves
just NO. THESE ARE NOT OK MESSAGES. NO.
YOU DON'T NEED BOYS TO COME SAVE YOU
YOU DON'T NEED THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PHYSICAL LOOKS TO FEEL VALIDATED STUPID MESSAGE STUPID /STUPID/ MESSAGE.
but anyway!
one direction is important in my life because it helps me understand it
without them I don't think I could have opened my eyes well enough to see what is happening around me
and people have to understand that one direction is my own means of understanding myself and the world I live in.
and it's done a damn good job of it.
and right now I am not chiding myself for loving one direction, am I?
also I get to watch them being cute and I get to cry and sob and
I get to read beautiful fics
and watch again all five boys acting in really touching homoerotic ways
and they are all so beautiful
and stupid and cute and endearingly idiotic
and the songs are cool and catchy and just so pick-me-uppy even if problematic
and I make myself happy while learning god damn why aren't we analysing one direction in school school would be sO MUCH FUN IF WE DID.
basically the great thing about one direction is
it can either be another puppet of the music industry for mindless brainwashing by pop cult-ure
or
it can be a way for younger audiences to be exposed to all the issues I mentioned, and more, even.
because yeah they are relevant in so, so, so many ways.
right so there you go
this is why one direction is important in my life
my thoughts were muddled and mixed and convoluted but
you gET IT
this is definitely not the end of it, I'm not gonna lie.
I can go on for hours about one direction and this is really a very diluted version.
literally hours and days.
so uh hm.
this has been a lengthy, genuine one direction appreciation post.
(also I use "understand" too much in this I'm sorry.)
I decided no for this because this is important
and really I mean it
right so today I was just doing my thing
(my "thing" constitutes of going on tumblr and twitter and thinking about harry&louis if you haven't noticed um)
and I started thinking a lot a lot about one direction
and how
it is something that is really, really important in my life
and I thought so much I started making a pretend video
you know
the ones where people just talk into the camera
but me I talked into the room mainly
so anyway
I just..wow.
firstly you must know I am not a
"directioner"
"larry shipper"
(yeah I'm past that now)
and if you call me any of that
u r dead
because yes, I think harry and louis are in an actual relationship
and this isn't merely a "ship" because in my opinion it is an actual, real thing
(from what I've consolidated after seeing, reading, analysing things with some logic
and "ship" connotates a fictional quality about them and huny there is nothing unreal about the way harry and louis act)
so I've taken to referring to them by harry&louis, and addressing it as if I were talking about an actual romantic relationship between two real people
and I feel like saying that I "ship" them kind of strips away a bit the respect this relationship deserves.
(because yes, sometimes we forget that there are real human emotions of real life people involved within this relationship that shouldn't be played around for entertainment if we are to, you know, bring this up in a real-world situation)
and also I am not a "directioner" because I just don't want to be identified with them "directioners"
I'm not going to attempt to explain it it just doesn't sit well with me
you can leave it at "one direction fan" and I think that's the furthest I can go.
right, so that is out of the way.
basically
understanding the nature of their relationship
has helped me understand even better the world/society I live in
they are two not-heterosexual men in an extremely internationally-successful pop boyband, and they happen to be in love with each other
then you take into account the fact that majority of the world is still largely homophobic or at the very least very against the whole idea of unstraightness
and the fact that one direction was created to be a goldmine, to bring in loads and loads of cash
and there you go
you start to learn about heteronormativity
and the (glass) closet the boys are forced into
and capitalism, in a way
(how their attainability ordains their success, basically
because their target audience are teenage girls, mainly
and these people are the ones who enable them to earn the amount of money they do
so if not one, but two!! members are not-straight then how the heck are the girls in love with said boys supposed to be as emotionally invested, right?
think of the backlash if one direction doesn't turn out to be the wholesome boyband it is projected to be wow!)
and through one direction's zayn malik
who is the only non-white member so
discrimination issues surface
because zayn is you know muslim and all
and he is faced with so many taunts because of religion
and then there are those who find him not living up to his religion good enough
and zayn has to face all this while juggling fame
and it's important!
and yet it isn't addressed in the movie
while it could have been to bring some depth into it!
and then there's the whole media fiasco
the
appearance vs reality
"reality tv" vs reality
what is real what is not?
print media? filmed interviews where things actually come out their mouths?
what is the agenda here?
the extent that media shoves ideas like "womaniser harry styles" into the minds of the public masses is ridiculous
(did you know on two different occasions they were passing off lou teasdale his married!! stylist and gemma styles his sister!!!! as harry's "new mystery girl" these were /headlines/ on published press let us mull over this for a moment yes thank you
that's...gemma styles??? sister of harry styles??????
am not gonna bother finding the printed news article of lou and harry at the casino
just trust me somewhere on this planet it exists
science is amazin g)
the fact that louis' supposed girlfriend is brought up as much as possible is also fishy as fuck.
(too many incidences if I start I won't stop just trust me on this one they bring her up even when it is highly unnecessary)
they are just pushing louis' heterosexuality so, so hard
and you start to wonder why
hey, is there something they are trying to cover up?
is there something really, really urgent being hidden?
something that carries repercussions so, so heavy the band will be affected oh wait
(I am going to digress a little but
Louis Tomlinson and Louis_Tomlinson are two different people totally
eg. sensitive-to-queer-fans louis vs online-homophobic-bastard louis
"oh, that one's not a lady!" vs "larry is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard"
vs
it just doesn't match up, ok.
once more, real louis vs online persona/twitter louis - who to believe?
how convenient it is to have the second louis be the one more discernible on a very elevated social media platform also.)
(you learn body language
you compare the boys' intuitive reactions
with what they are trying to deny
"oh, but haven't you kissed?" *looong pause, quickly put-together scandalised expression* "...NO!"
"me and harry are just really close" *harry's foot searches louis' under the tables*
not even making this up)
(and the best song ever mv
portrays one direction to be in control
shows them trashing up the studios and going against the executives and their managers and superiors
also harry to be the one taking lead and interacting most with veronica, once again pushing the "harry is leader of the band/harry and his back-up singers" and "womaniser harry styles" images
but is this really, really the case?
does the band really have a say in how they are marketed?
what purpose does the video hope to fulfill at this point?)
so you see
it helps me become by and by more analytical and less prone to passively accepting what is being forced into me left right center
and I'd be damned if this isn't a crucial thing to learn
in this period where pop culture is so prevalent and pervasive
and little kids are just
oh yeah
louis & eleanor are in love ya xxx
I want a relationship just like theirs :) x
they start to emulate them and it's all wrong it's all not right
(having your gf credited for your performance on the football pitch
for your singing
for your well-being
isn't healthy.
this
isn't healthy.
what the heck @JohannahDarling
good job on the PR stuntin')
tbh if you look into louis and eleanor's 'relationship' deep enough
there is nothing healthy about it at all, really.
they don't know anything and
all this blind following is just harsh and it pains me kind of
just
ugh
I get so, so frustrated and wow.
one direction are made out to be these superficial airheads in pop culture but there's so much more to them and no one knows because no one thinks twice when everything is so available and definitely credible tabloids and twitter updates provide all there is to know about one direction.
they don't understand there is so much to learn from them, and this is what sucks a lot.
sometimes I get teased a bit for liking one direction but they don't understand that one direction teaches you a lot
not directly, of course, but
if you put yourself in the proper company
(tumblr users
lapelosa
stupidstagram
thisismyoneluckyprize
poparoll
homeiswithlarry
who are mostly people who are either grown adults, not-heterosexual or both
so yeah, pretty sure they'd have some sound judgement on all this)
and you learn so, so much it is astounding
I am in awe at how much I've begun to comprehend about
sexuality
gender norms
gender identities
feminism, even
(which prevails when you start considering
fan culture
eg. "crazy one direction girls" vs "avid football fans"
voilà misogyny and sexism at work once again)
and then you start applying all this in your daily life and wow
how fucked up society is
( I hate using the word "society" but yeah, it is quite a wrecked thing to an extent.)
and so I am not lying or exaggerating when I say I owe one direction
a lot
because I do
I do owe them, in a way
without them I would've never been exposed to all these
these being things I think every one should delve into
because they carry so much immediate real-life implications
I'd have no problem shipping two m/m fictional characters
(Supernatural Destiel, anyone?)
but it just, I think, /won't/ develop my social-consciousness as well as comprehending louis&harry's situation would
because, once again, the immediate real-life implications one direction offer are incredible.
so yes, one direction really is important in my life.
and not because they tell me that not knowing that I am beautiful is what makes me beautiful
(oh harry once made a lyric change
"you still have to squeeze into your jeans AND you're perfect to me"
not "but", he used "and"
and that makes a hella difference harry is actually really clever and aware fight me on this.)
which are honestly problematic imo
because
oh yeah, you need boys to come and save you to tell you you're pretty
because all girls have internalised insecurities about themselves
just NO. THESE ARE NOT OK MESSAGES. NO.
YOU DON'T NEED BOYS TO COME SAVE YOU
YOU DON'T NEED THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PHYSICAL LOOKS TO FEEL VALIDATED STUPID MESSAGE STUPID /STUPID/ MESSAGE.
but anyway!
one direction is important in my life because it helps me understand it
without them I don't think I could have opened my eyes well enough to see what is happening around me
and people have to understand that one direction is my own means of understanding myself and the world I live in.
and it's done a damn good job of it.
and right now I am not chiding myself for loving one direction, am I?
also I get to watch them being cute and I get to cry and sob and
I get to read beautiful fics
and watch again all five boys acting in really touching homoerotic ways
and they are all so beautiful
and stupid and cute and endearingly idiotic
and the songs are cool and catchy and just so pick-me-uppy even if problematic
and I make myself happy while learning god damn why aren't we analysing one direction in school school would be sO MUCH FUN IF WE DID.
basically the great thing about one direction is
it can either be another puppet of the music industry for mindless brainwashing by pop cult-ure
or
it can be a way for younger audiences to be exposed to all the issues I mentioned, and more, even.
because yeah they are relevant in so, so, so many ways.
right so there you go
this is why one direction is important in my life
my thoughts were muddled and mixed and convoluted but
you gET IT
this is definitely not the end of it, I'm not gonna lie.
I can go on for hours about one direction and this is really a very diluted version.
literally hours and days.
so uh hm.
this has been a lengthy, genuine one direction appreciation post.
(also I use "understand" too much in this I'm sorry.)
Thursday, September 26, 2013
midnight doesn't last forever
ha ha
oh you silly thing
of all things to discuss
you choose the topic of
!!!harry&louis fanfiction!!!
I am so silly I want to laugh at myself
someone anyone come and tell me that
that I am quite the silly creature.
oh you silly thing
of all things to discuss
you choose the topic of
!!!harry&louis fanfiction!!!
I am so silly I want to laugh at myself
someone anyone come and tell me that
that I am quite the silly creature.
sun hasn't died
in retrospect
I am very glad that happy thoughts was my first ever harry&louis fic
it is that perfect little start
that perfect little nudge
featuring the greatest canon
that is
harry&louis are best friends who happened to fall in love
and it is rpf
(a real-person fiction)
so you may start by understanding properly the chemistry among all the boys
in a real-life band
so it establishes this proper connection
between you (fan/reader) and them (band/characters)
before, say, you move on to an au
(an alternate universe)
where circumstances are vastly different
and thenceforth a little harder to appreciate
when you are still so unfamiliar with the real boys
at least, I think that.
anyway, happy thoughts was also considerably clean
which was absolutely and perfectly what I needed
because at that point
I probably was unable yet to acquaint myself with proper full-on smut
so all the euphemisms and implications were embraced
and either way the tension was enough to send me into a fit
so that was good.
also the writing style was the type I was accustomed enough to
(before I could get myself to broach other writing styles)
and so the whole first time experience was just
wonderful and comfortable and lovely and ugh
yeah
if you want to start reading harry&louis fics
(which I don't think you do but just in case idk)
start with happy thoughts
the greatest beginner fic in the history of harry&louis fics.
I am very glad that happy thoughts was my first ever harry&louis fic
it is that perfect little start
that perfect little nudge
featuring the greatest canon
that is
harry&louis are best friends who happened to fall in love
and it is rpf
(a real-person fiction)
so you may start by understanding properly the chemistry among all the boys
in a real-life band
so it establishes this proper connection
between you (fan/reader) and them (band/characters)
before, say, you move on to an au
(an alternate universe)
where circumstances are vastly different
and thenceforth a little harder to appreciate
when you are still so unfamiliar with the real boys
at least, I think that.
anyway, happy thoughts was also considerably clean
which was absolutely and perfectly what I needed
because at that point
I probably was unable yet to acquaint myself with proper full-on smut
so all the euphemisms and implications were embraced
and either way the tension was enough to send me into a fit
so that was good.
also the writing style was the type I was accustomed enough to
(before I could get myself to broach other writing styles)
and so the whole first time experience was just
wonderful and comfortable and lovely and ugh
yeah
if you want to start reading harry&louis fics
(which I don't think you do but just in case idk)
start with happy thoughts
the greatest beginner fic in the history of harry&louis fics.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
like a tv show playing reruns
well I had a pretty idyllic day today I suppose
last night I watched titanic till about 4am or summat
and cried and sobbed a lot
and then I had really really intense titanic!au feels
so I re-read the titanic fic till 5
and woke up at 10am
to continue reading it
(i chose the happy ending first this time bc I couldn't handle any more crying)
((this sounds a lot like the day I read my first louis/harry fic tbh))
there was also a raging thunderstorm outside
so it was comfort in every way
and then when I finally proper got up
the house was empty
(save the cat)
and that was brilliant
took a shower with the doors open
and the stereo outside coolly playing ed sheeran
(how liberating it is to be home alone)
then I had a couple toasted egg-cheese-cucumber sandwiches
while finishing up + and watching adventure time on mute
so it was all slow and quiet and peaceful today
and I really liked that.
last night I watched titanic till about 4am or summat
and cried and sobbed a lot
and then I had really really intense titanic!au feels
so I re-read the titanic fic till 5
and woke up at 10am
to continue reading it
(i chose the happy ending first this time bc I couldn't handle any more crying)
((this sounds a lot like the day I read my first louis/harry fic tbh))
there was also a raging thunderstorm outside
so it was comfort in every way
and then when I finally proper got up
the house was empty
(save the cat)
and that was brilliant
took a shower with the doors open
and the stereo outside coolly playing ed sheeran
(how liberating it is to be home alone)
then I had a couple toasted egg-cheese-cucumber sandwiches
while finishing up + and watching adventure time on mute
so it was all slow and quiet and peaceful today
and I really liked that.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
pull me closer if u think u can hang
hello friends
this is me telling you that
if you like
you may swear around me any time you please
I will not flinch
maybe I'd be surprised you're one who'd let yourself use "crude" language
but I won't mind
(because there isn't really a moral obligation to use "clean" language, is there?)
as long as you stray from using slurs that are homophobic, ableist, sexist, racist or words that, in any way, keep marginalised groups marginalised
that is to say, as long as you don't ever, ever say things like "retarded" or "that's so gay" to describe something that can't scientifically be gay
I would be perfectly ok with whatever you say.
no but really, if you think it's okay to say the r-word
it's not.
how much longer until people understand that the fucking clothes you choose to wear have nothing to do with your sexuality whatsoever
and i think this is insanely important too like
there're so many things wrong with thinking a man is gay just because he wears pink or if his mannerisms aren't stereotypically "masculine"
or something like that
I mean ok
there is a slightly higher chance of someone being not-heterosexual if that someone doesn't act to fit the gender stereotype
but it does not ordain it.
imo the only way to determine someone's sexuality in a fair manner
is to see who the person is actually sexually attracted to
that is all.
or if you are really curious you can just ask the person ya.
also i'm trying to not remember when i was as ignorant as described above it makes me cringe so bad
jfc the sadness of being raised in a heteronormative society.
this is me telling you that
if you like
you may swear around me any time you please
I will not flinch
maybe I'd be surprised you're one who'd let yourself use "crude" language
but I won't mind
(because there isn't really a moral obligation to use "clean" language, is there?)
as long as you stray from using slurs that are homophobic, ableist, sexist, racist or words that, in any way, keep marginalised groups marginalised
that is to say, as long as you don't ever, ever say things like "retarded" or "that's so gay" to describe something that can't scientifically be gay
I would be perfectly ok with whatever you say.
no but really, if you think it's okay to say the r-word
it's not.
how much longer until people understand that the fucking clothes you choose to wear have nothing to do with your sexuality whatsoever
and i think this is insanely important too like
there're so many things wrong with thinking a man is gay just because he wears pink or if his mannerisms aren't stereotypically "masculine"
or something like that
I mean ok
there is a slightly higher chance of someone being not-heterosexual if that someone doesn't act to fit the gender stereotype
but it does not ordain it.
imo the only way to determine someone's sexuality in a fair manner
is to see who the person is actually sexually attracted to
that is all.
or if you are really curious you can just ask the person ya.
also i'm trying to not remember when i was as ignorant as described above it makes me cringe so bad
jfc the sadness of being raised in a heteronormative society.
a bankhead full of broads
I think my life is easier now because I don't let myself overthink.
in past years I would have absolutely grinded myself with doubts and worries about the relationships I had with people around me
but I really enjoy my life now
because I let things happen and flow freely and all
as in
if I like you, I like you
if I don't, I don't
and that's that
I am not trying to explain my feelings anymore
I think maybe my attempts to self-contemplate have dwindled
but once again
when I feel like self-contemplating, I self-contemplate
when I don't, I just don't
and I don't grill myself for it
I don't make things an obligation
because hey, it's life, what in it is actually a necessity
"nothing in life is compulsory, not even life. you can jump down anytime what" says econs tutor larry lim.
everything's just a human and/or social construct meant to entrap that little bit of meaning from all of this
this being a really vast, incomprehensible thing we are all trying to make sense of
futility of living? meaning of life? why am I here?? ???
in a way maybe I am saying my existential crises are all locked away and dismissed for the moment
I really am content with the way my life is right now
so
anyway I was so dumb in 2010 why did I have any friends at all
most importantly why didnt anyone punch me in the face for being so stupid
where were my tru frendz.
in past years I would have absolutely grinded myself with doubts and worries about the relationships I had with people around me
but I really enjoy my life now
because I let things happen and flow freely and all
as in
if I like you, I like you
if I don't, I don't
and that's that
I am not trying to explain my feelings anymore
I think maybe my attempts to self-contemplate have dwindled
but once again
when I feel like self-contemplating, I self-contemplate
when I don't, I just don't
and I don't grill myself for it
I don't make things an obligation
because hey, it's life, what in it is actually a necessity
"nothing in life is compulsory, not even life. you can jump down anytime what" says econs tutor larry lim.
everything's just a human and/or social construct meant to entrap that little bit of meaning from all of this
this being a really vast, incomprehensible thing we are all trying to make sense of
futility of living? meaning of life? why am I here?? ???
in a way maybe I am saying my existential crises are all locked away and dismissed for the moment
I really am content with the way my life is right now
so
anyway I was so dumb in 2010 why did I have any friends at all
most importantly why didnt anyone punch me in the face for being so stupid
where were my tru frendz.
makeup all over the pillow
Okay I know I've been posting a tsunami of things
but
I am not kidding when I say they're all important as fuck
ok
so now I'm asking you to do me a kind favour
and not rush through every new post
and instead
savour each new thing like an exquisite infusion
and let its flavour seep into your bloodstream system thing
and then you may start on the next one
that is I mean if you tend to sprint yourself through everything
especially when there's so many new things
bc that would be boring
as fuck.
but
I am not kidding when I say they're all important as fuck
ok
so now I'm asking you to do me a kind favour
and not rush through every new post
and instead
savour each new thing like an exquisite infusion
and let its flavour seep into your bloodstream system thing
and then you may start on the next one
that is I mean if you tend to sprint yourself through everything
especially when there's so many new things
bc that would be boring
as fuck.
Friday, September 20, 2013
at least i think i do
fond gentle loved-up baaaabieeeesssssssssss :_(
god dammit what did i fucking say don't touch his boy ever ever ever
god dammit what did i fucking say don't touch his boy ever ever ever
is that right
it is only me dragging me into this but
our values have clashed
we are looking for different things; we have different purposes now
you have fulfilled your duty in my life, and I, the one in yours
our paths have diverged.
only to find i've come alive
i wish i wasn't such a narcissist
i wish I didn't really kiss
the mirror when i'm on my own
oh god, i'm gonna die alone.
i wish I didn't really kiss
the mirror when i'm on my own
oh god, i'm gonna die alone.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
must mistake me, you're the sucker
weyhey I took the colour quiz again after 3 years.
-----
Your Existing Situation
"Works well with others, as long as she doesn't have to take the lead. Longs for relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free."
Your Stress Sources
"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"Feels she is getting less than she deserves for all her hard work; however, she makes no effort to change things and tries to make the best of the situation."
His confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
Feels as if too many walls and obstacles are standing in her way and that she is being forced to make compromises. she needs to put her own needs on hold for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks to be known for something she has accomplished and uses her social abilities to win people over. Emotional and sensitive and romantic.
Your Actual Problem
"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."
Your Actual Problem #2
"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."
-----
o
do u want to know how accurate this is
like 98.6%
-----
Your Existing Situation
"Works well with others, as long as she doesn't have to take the lead. Longs for relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free."
Your Stress Sources
"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"Feels she is getting less than she deserves for all her hard work; however, she makes no effort to change things and tries to make the best of the situation."
His confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
Feels as if too many walls and obstacles are standing in her way and that she is being forced to make compromises. she needs to put her own needs on hold for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks to be known for something she has accomplished and uses her social abilities to win people over. Emotional and sensitive and romantic.
Your Actual Problem
"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."
Your Actual Problem #2
"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."
-----
o
do u want to know how accurate this is
like 98.6%
chase you down until you love me
(okay this is from long ago but I'm ready to bring this monstrous birth into the world's light
ignore it it is indulgently shameless I am so so so so so so so rry)
ignore it it is indulgently shameless I am so so so so so so so rry)
nowkissmeyoufool
he’s got golden skin and fingernails that are bitten
he’s got golden skin and fingernails that are bitten
I love when he looks at his boy oh-so smitten
and when he clutches his tummy when he sings
louis tomlinson is my favorite thing
you know I wanted to write about how in love I am with louis tomlinson
(this is me giving you leave to say I am obsessed with him
yeah it is gripping me too & I'm trying to get my head around it tbh
louis tomlinson
bc it is ridiculous and it makes me sad
how much I want to kiss him
he's the prettiest, most beautiful, to exist
crinkles of his eyes.??????
oh??
my god???
not gonna even try with this one??
so fucking beautiful
he made my doll heart light up with joy
I can watch his hands
his lovely chiseled jaw
light sprinkle of stubble
feathery feathery pixie hair
god damn tattoos on golden skin
for years
holy shit
in my thoughts 25/7 tbh
you can give me the nicest, loveliest, most flawless HQ pics of like harry or zayn or liam or niall maybe
don't get me wrong I mean they're gorgeous we can all see that
but I'd look at any louis photo
(lo usi?? LOIUS!! !!!!!!)
and
shit shithith ihsoduidub it's sad bc
louis
pretty pretty louis will pop your bubblegum heart aha : ) x )
fuckin angel.
same hary saem
but then I read some zourry fic and got kinda scared
of jealous louis
(legitimately scared)
sometimes I forget louis is a sassy bitch (no no this isn't an insult it's the truth)
(almost scared enough to not want to kiss him anymore!!!)
bc
jealous louis
will fuck you up.
don't touch his boy ever ever ever.
but then I felt sad bc
imagine people touching your boyfriend all the time
and you can't tell them off
bc you're supposed to keep the relationship a secret
and so I decided that
if I ever met them
I'd ask for permission before going in to hug them.
harry. louis. whoever.
(common decency tbh)
meanwhile I'm gonna listen to paparazzi
bc apparently it's the soundtrack
to my louis crush/obsession.
same hary same.
(this is me giving you leave to say I am obsessed with him
yeah it is gripping me too & I'm trying to get my head around it tbh
louis tomlinson
bc it is ridiculous and it makes me sad
how much I want to kiss him
he's the prettiest, most beautiful, to exist
crinkles of his eyes.??????
oh??
my god???
not gonna even try with this one??
so fucking beautiful
he made my doll heart light up with joy
I can watch his hands
his lovely chiseled jaw
light sprinkle of stubble
feathery feathery pixie hair
god damn tattoos on golden skin
for years
holy shit
in my thoughts 25/7 tbh
you can give me the nicest, loveliest, most flawless HQ pics of like harry or zayn or liam or niall maybe
don't get me wrong I mean they're gorgeous we can all see that
but I'd look at any louis photo
(lo usi?? LOIUS!! !!!!!!)
and
shit shithith ihsoduidub it's sad bc
louis
pretty pretty louis will pop your bubblegum heart aha : ) x )
fuckin angel.
same hary saem
but then I read some zourry fic and got kinda scared
of jealous louis
(legitimately scared)
sometimes I forget louis is a sassy bitch (no no this isn't an insult it's the truth)
(almost scared enough to not want to kiss him anymore!!!)
bc
jealous louis
will fuck you up.
don't touch his boy ever ever ever.
but then I felt sad bc
imagine people touching your boyfriend all the time
and you can't tell them off
bc you're supposed to keep the relationship a secret
and so I decided that
if I ever met them
I'd ask for permission before going in to hug them.
harry. louis. whoever.
(common decency tbh)
meanwhile I'm gonna listen to paparazzi
bc apparently it's the soundtrack
to my louis crush/obsession.
same hary same.
not gonna reach my telephone
In all honestly there are so many important things I want to write about
and I should be perfectly able to do so
since the bulk of my promos are over
but I do not quite know how I am to word anything.
so I am going to try ya.
I think everything will just end up coming one after the other
this is going to be a huge throwing-up
I have drafts saved for weeks jfc.
and I should be perfectly able to do so
since the bulk of my promos are over
but I do not quite know how I am to word anything.
so I am going to try ya.
I think everything will just end up coming one after the other
this is going to be a huge throwing-up
I have drafts saved for weeks jfc.
blood, guts and angel cake
the haunting thing about
instead of being sixteen, i'm burning up a bible
feeling super! super! super! suicidal
is that
not only does
the first line suggest an absolute total loss of innocence (sweet sixteen) with the renunciation of religion
(you burn a bible, you are no longer sixteen)
if you listen to it playing
it sounds a bit like a subverted hymn, like some sort of mockery
and the second line sounds so terrifyingly nonchalant about death
and
once again, when you hear it
there is such a chilling excitement about it like
they look forward so, so much to dying
it is the way a teenage girl would sing along at a pop concert
(let me hide behind superficial things let me forget my troubles)
they are so wrecked they do not care about anything any longer
and all they are is sadsadsad
it is mindlessness cult-ure ish
(is it?)
the thing is,
two days ago
this is what kept me company.
ah, the delicious perplexities of adolescence.
instead of being sixteen, i'm burning up a bible
feeling super! super! super! suicidal
is that
not only does
the first line suggest an absolute total loss of innocence (sweet sixteen) with the renunciation of religion
(you burn a bible, you are no longer sixteen)
if you listen to it playing
it sounds a bit like a subverted hymn, like some sort of mockery
and the second line sounds so terrifyingly nonchalant about death
and
once again, when you hear it
there is such a chilling excitement about it like
they look forward so, so much to dying
it is the way a teenage girl would sing along at a pop concert
(let me hide behind superficial things let me forget my troubles)
they are so wrecked they do not care about anything any longer
and all they are is sadsadsad
it is mindlessness cult-ure ish
(is it?)
the thing is,
two days ago
this is what kept me company.
ah, the delicious perplexities of adolescence.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
the little loss of innocence
instead of being sixteen, i'm burning up a bible
feeling super! super! super! suicidal
Sunday, September 15, 2013
see I will get over u
the worst is when you dream of him
and even then nothing happens.
out of reach, so out of reach but
still so beautiful.
and even then nothing happens.
out of reach, so out of reach but
still so beautiful.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
like it's do or die
but do not look at me as if I were
out of my mind
do not smile laughingly and say things
as if you were
placating an obstinate child
(whom you wish to dismiss)
because it would be nice to be taken seriously about this.
out of my mind
do not smile laughingly and say things
as if you were
placating an obstinate child
(whom you wish to dismiss)
because it would be nice to be taken seriously about this.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
don't call my name
maybe it is also something
feral and raw and gutturally human
especially when trapped in this period of life
because I am but a scampering teenager still
and I've yet to wade properly through whatever waters there exist
so I really ought to be more kind to myself.
meanwhile
I'll allow myself to indulgently taste this
which I'm gonna file under my
"inconspicuous not-for-the-cameras boyfriendy things they do" folder
I mean will you look at that
the elbow game
jfc this isn't primary school.
(but I'm sad because will you look at that
even now they still thirst for each other
even if only for that tiniest bit of touch
and they've gotten so good at keeping their poker faces on
it's sad)
feral and raw and gutturally human
especially when trapped in this period of life
because I am but a scampering teenager still
and I've yet to wade properly through whatever waters there exist
so I really ought to be more kind to myself.
meanwhile
I'll allow myself to indulgently taste this
"inconspicuous not-for-the-cameras boyfriendy things they do" folder
I mean will you look at that
the elbow game
jfc this isn't primary school.
(but I'm sad because will you look at that
even now they still thirst for each other
even if only for that tiniest bit of touch
and they've gotten so good at keeping their poker faces on
it's sad)
a king with no crown
I feel sad
I feel sadsadsad
and I am losing myself to it.
I think maybe what I need is some -
where mundane details are blown into fantastical proportions
(hyperboles, metaphors)
and you still learn things
just not from school books.
maybe this is transient
maybe not
because I am supposed to already know how to care for myself
but
I feel sadsadsad
and I am losing myself to it.
I think maybe what I need is some -
where mundane details are blown into fantastical proportions
(hyperboles, metaphors)
and you still learn things
just not from school books.
maybe this is transient
maybe not
because I am supposed to already know how to care for myself
but
two tickets to iron maiden
I feel a bit ill actually.
and I don't quite know why.
it's been a bad day.
for a lot of people.
another unneeded late night
I am so disappointed
in myself.
and I don't quite know why.
it's been a bad day.
for a lot of people.
another unneeded late night
I am so disappointed
in myself.
Monday, September 9, 2013
if we walk down this road
(I am sorry once again
it is 3.30am and sleep is being particularly elusive hm.)
I wasn't prepared for this
how have I never seen this before
sis...
sis...
Now I want you to look at this
and tell me there is a difference.
(it's an actual couple jfc theres no difference frick me)
they thought there weren't any cameras these fucking idiots
I hate my life
i hate them
they ruin everything
i straight-out broke down no exaggeration fuck me fucj fkfbivubi
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